9.09.2015

My Own Worst Enemy

You know how some people can't just leave well enough alone? I am one of those people. Despite the fact that it seems like I speak my mind quite often, I tend to let thoughts fester. I harbor resentments. Then one day the cork explodes and my rage is everywhere like a shaken up bottle of champagne, leaving unsuspecting victims soaked in my vitriol. 

Four years and three deaths. Two miscarriages.
My familial relationships have become unhealthy at best.
I've put my mother ahead of my husband and children.
I've resented my brother for decades.
My anxiety takes me over.
The smallest hiccup and I become so furious that I shake. Crying at my desk for hours this morning trying to sort things out with my sister-in-law via email.
What happened? Where and when did my train go off its rails? Lashing out at Husband who does nothing but be the best he can be for not only me but every member of this dysfunctional family. Casey telling me to be calm. Asking me why I'm frustrated. What on earth?
So I sit here. Exhausted from emotion. Wondering what's next. Feeling sad and ashamed. Contemplating repair. Trying to think happy thoughts.

2 comments:

Andrea King said...

I'm gonna say something that I've said other times and I'm gonna keep saying it because I love you and I care about you. I know you'll likely say "money....time..." but you'll find it when you're ready. And I'll keep saying this until you are.

Therapy.

The Xanax will help with the symptoms, sure. But therapy will get to the roots and release them and help you deal with them in ways that don't leave you feeling like you're a terrible awful person, because you are NOT a terrible, awful person. You are a lovely person with the best of intentions.

I know you're going to say "It's fine, I'm fine." But because I love you and I care I'm going to gently say "You're not and you deserve to be." I don't like how you beat yourself up. Not at all. The end.

I love you.

Ang said...

i agree with andrea. i think therapy helps. she helped me figure out why i am the way i am. you've been through quite a bit in the last few years to say the least. i think it would do you a lot of good. :)