8.04.2015

PURGE

"I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion." - that is one line in Fight Song by Rachel Platten that can bring me to tears instantly. Another song that can bring me to tears within moments is Darius Rucker's It Won't Be Like This For Long about the phases a daughter goes through.When I find myself sobbing in the car because I am listening to the radio? I might be depressed.

I just powered through a pretty emotional menstrual cycle. I also am just getting over a crazy bout of heat rash that I've had for over a week. All that Zyrtec and Benadryl and topical lotions... I don't think they really made me feel any better inside. And it all kind of resulted in a very anxiety-filled, stressed out weekend but taking Xanax just put me to sleep... not exactly a solution.

Yesterday, I realized that in three weeks, my first born will turn five-years old. This past weekend, Casey waved at his "school" and I realized that two weeks from today will be his last day there. That he'll be in kindergarten like a big kid. That our alone time in the car to and from day care will be GONE. Emotional, indeed. Nothing like a first milestone to sock you right in the gut.

My 20-year high school reunion that I didn't really want to organize but sort of ended up organizing is on the 15th and I'm disappointed in the response and that I was unable to make it better. That I won't see the few people I really want to see. Thank goodness, Christine and her family will be here because otherwise I think I'd consider it a total bust and it hasn't even happened yet. I just want it behind me.

I hate election time because everyone talks nonstop about Planned Parenthood and abortions as though it's the most important topic in the world. I'm tired of the internet being a big ol' tattle tale source of outrage. I don't understand all the uproar. Breastfeeding and why white people shouldn't have dreadlocks and on and on and on. Ease up on the fury, y'all.

My phone took a crap so I got a warranty replacement but I'm worried they'll tell me my phone doesn't qualify and I'll have another expense I don't need. When my phone data wasn't working and I wasn't all deep in apps and games it may have been a good thing but now it's back. Ha!

Gran is still dying I guess? She doesn't eat, barely drinks but is somehow surviving. Hospice thinks she might be blind. I haven't seen her in a month or so and I have GUILT even though she has no idea who I am and dismisses me when I try to visit.

I'm not super excited about Husband's dumb work schedule and all the call and me having to make dinner all the time. I'm sort of tired of "mom"ing because the kids never don't need something and sometimes I wish they could just fend for themselves. I know I should just enjoy the moment because soon enough they will want nothing to do with me at all but sometimes I am just too tired and irritable and I wonder if I'm ruining the children.

I need a vacation but can't afford one. A co-worker straight ditched work to go to rehab so we're dealing with a short-staffed, weird office environment. Don't even get me started on our budget. Being an adult is not something I feel particularly good at sometimes.

I just want some good news. And a break. And a raise. I want some lifted spirits and some optimism. To not feel so overweight and exhausted all the time. Finding a balance is so hard. I was walking during my lunch break and that really helped until the damn heatwave said "we should turn Randi's body into a fiery rash so she can't do anything for days and days." I gotta kick it back into high gear with some movement and healthy eating. Thanks for sitting through this but I'm sorry you had to.

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