6.24.2015

ANXIETY

It has been a week and a half now since Gran was in the ER. I have been to see her four times since she has been on hospice and there doesn't seem to be much of a change. We are all trying to prepare for her death but that in and of itself is a very stressful feeling to have for more than a couple of days especially because she can live anywhere from a few days to a few months and no one really knows. She has not eaten solid foods or had a BM in a week now. She takes a couple sips of Ensure a day but other than that, she is bedridden. She sometimes cries out in pain or mumbles in weepy incoherence but mostly she just lies there with her eyes closed and tells us how tired she is.
My mother is handling her mother's death a lot like she handled the death of my father, very business-like with a faux strength. I finally had to intervene a bit and remind her that despite the last several hard years of Gran becoming her "burden" she is still her mother and this is a time for grieving and connecting, not a time for making plans and arrangements. I convinced her to ask my uncle to come from Germany to help during these trying times seeing as there is only so much support my brother and I can offer considering he and I both work full-time, have our own spouses and have children to tend to. She conceded and admitted that she could use the moral support and didn't mean to stretch us so thing.

Here's what the rest of the foreseeable future looks like and when I think about it I kind of start wigging out:
Tonight: Husband on call, dinner at my brother's.
Tomorrow: I go for a test for a new position. Husband goes to the VA in the valley to be assessed for further benefits. Husband on call.
Friday: Casey's pre-K graduation, my filling
Saturday: Sasha's bday party, Husband on call from 7p - 7a.
Sunday: Husband on call from 7a - 7p (yes that is 24 straight hours), me picking up Uncle from LAX. Was supposed to see some out of town friends for brunch but I think that's not happening now.
Monday: Husband on call again and I know this is when my period comes because now is the time for PMS, the time for PMS is now.
Friday: No work but I have both kids and no husband.
Saturday: 4th of July which is actually going to be super nice and fun (god-willing) but it's still a "thing."
Monday: No work but I have Christa. Was planning a visit to BFF & Co.
Tuesday: No work but I have both kids and have to take Casey to the ENT (and that means surgery or more tests or evaluations will follow shortly thereafter)
Wednesday: Paying the piper for having that many days off work
Saturday: Uncle leaves and neighborhood-wide yard sale participation because we're going to have to get rid of the things Gran had in her apartment (assuming she passes).

I mean, this is in addition to just living, being a mom, working at my job. You know... regular stuff. Then on top of it I assume Gran will die and things will need to be done in accordance with all of that. This has me taking Xanax, losing my patience, not sleeping, no focus at work, hurt feelings, lots of crying... I'm trying to distract myself with 20-year high school reunion planning but I think that distraction may be a hidden stress cloaked in party planning? I just don't know any more. I was thanked for meddling but called a meddler nonetheless. Sometimes I just wish I could have a real vacation. Somewhere quiet, near a body of water, with no driving involved and just play time with my children and their dad. Is that so much to ask?

MORAL OF THAT STORY: "The Scooby-Doo gang were meddlers, too, and they always saved the day." - My ever so supportive Husband. (Sadly, I am going to have to quit the rolling with Scooby and company real dang soon if it means I am losing my shit all the time.)

1 comment:

Coodence said...

sorry to hear about the hurt feelings and the crying joseph! i had no idea. hope its getting better.