Cinco de Mayo

I don't celebrate this holiday nor do I really know what it's for. I always assumed it was Mexican Independence Day and that's not true. Mostly it's an excuse for people to talk about tacos and tequila. America. What cinco de mayo means to me is that my birthday is a week away. I used to really do some legit countdowns every time the 12th would roll around but as I get older, I find I grow less and less enthusiastic about ticking off the days I am aging. I'll be thirty-eight this year. That seems so old. I tease Husband all the time about being 40 and how old he is even though I don't think he's old. Yet 38... that number seems so ADULT.
Will I ever feel grown up? I have been at my job for nine years this month so I suppose at this point it qualifies as my career. I have a mortgage and a car payment. I have two kids and two pets. I'm someone's wife. I've seen my grandpa and my dad pass away and have watched my grandma slip into old age induced dementia. I've traveled the world. I have done so many things. No gray hair, yet, but still I don't feel like a grown up.
This year seems ripe with changes. My job is changing. Husband's schedule is changing. Casey will be entering kindergarten. I have just been feeling so reflective lately and I am not sure why. At night I find my mind wandering in a million directions, thinking about the events of the day and the future all at once. In lieu of prayer, I talk to my dad about how proud he'd be of his grandkids and how much I miss him and need him.
Bah. What a miserable, nonsensical post this rambled into. I guess the point of all this is to say, turning 38 seems so heavy yet I really am optimistic about the future. I'm happy with who I am and satisfied with what I have. I truly want for nothing aside from wanting my dad around still. My family and I have our health. I feel like I am so less tolerant of drama and BS. I find myself speaking up about what I want and going for it. You know? So maybe grown up isn't as out of reach or as bad as it sounds.

1 comment:

Coodence said...

38 is old joseph! but at least its not 55.