4.14.2015

Do you ever feel...

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

Those are some of the lyrics to Katy Perry's "Firework." I feel like when I write these posts I should start it off like I'm in an AA meeting and say "I'm Randi and I'm a depressed person." Like, that's who I am, a part of me. Like a "recovering" alcoholic is always an alcoholic. Anyway, those lyrics kind of sum up how I feel right now. Sort of overwhelmed. Basically "over" having a Husband who is at work when the rest of the family is home. "Over" Casey's cough/cold that has been a constant since he started preschool over a year ago. "Over" not having had a full night's sleep in like 5 years. "Over" working at a job where there is no way to move up. Just "over it."
This morning, Casey was supposed to have a pretty big dental procedure but when we arrived they decided not to go through with it, despite having this appointment for about three months now, because he has a cough. We'd all rearranged our work schedules and daycare schedules and now Casey's teeth need to remain badly damaged until we can miraculously plan a date in the future when he may not have the cough that never seems to go away. I got mad. Mad at my inability to control things. To have things "just work out" for a change. I dropped the boy and his dad off, popped a Xanax, and drove to a parking lot where I could have a good cry alone. 
This motherhood business? It's not easy. Working full-time and being a single parent in the evenings? Not fun. Living part-time with my husband for five years only to have him home and work nights? Far from ideal. I haven't gone on a real vacation since my honeymoon, using most of my time off to tend to sick kids or go to Michigan for familial obligations.
I know there is a good person in me - a firework, if you will. A light-hearted, funny and fun to be around person. A woman that makes her friends and family and husband and kids smile and feel good about themselves. One who isn't constantly disappointed and frustrated and "always mad." One who doesn't cry in a parking lot because she feels like a loser. One who doesn't have to write blog posts like this in hopes of relieving some of the pressure and bad feelings, mostly self-inflicted. I'm just scared to think that person only exists with the help of a little white pill.

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