5.22.2014

Tokophobia

Yesterday I was sort of startled by the realization that had I not terminated my first pregnancy, I would have a kid old enough to be graduating from high school right now. I'd be doing things like prom and buying class rings. Instead, I have a brand new baby and a three-year old getting ready to go into Pre-K in the fall. It's interesting to think of where life could have taken me had I chosen a path other than the one I did.
I have also come to the realization that I have a very real fear of pregnancy. I googled it, actually, and there is a real term for it: tokophobia. I don't know that I'm phobic, necessarily, but I definitely worry about it way more than I should. You see, when Husband and I got married, we had other friends who were either trying to get pregnant or already were. They said it took them a year of trying but it only took Husband and I a couple months and I got pregnant with Casey. After Casey I had two miscarriages but both times I got pregnant rather quickly.
Then, there is the story of Christa. After my second miscarriage I decided I couldn't take it any more and decided I didn't ever want to have another baby. I had my D&C and a period followed a month later. I called to schedule my tubal ligation calculating when best to schedule it based on my next period. Well, that period never came and still hasn't come. Christa was conceived in one "try" and here we are. She's my little blessing and I know she is here for a reason but there is no doubt she was definitely unplanned. They call babies born after a miscarriage a rainbow baby because of the beauty that can come after a storm and boy does that describe her perfectly.
While I was pregnant with Christa, Husband got a vasectomy and was tested and confirmed that there was nothing there any more. This should be enough right? But we were intimate after the baby was born and due to lots of stress and hormones and emotions, I got terrified and convinced myself I had somehow gotten pregnant. I even took a pregnancy test because it was gnawing at me that badly despite my OBGYN telling me the chances of me getting pregnant so shortly after childbirth and Husband being fixed and my nursing exclusively were slim to none. I might be insane.
So basically all of this is just being written because on Tuesday I have my pre-op consultation for a tubal ligation next Friday morning. Five pregnancies in 18 years is more than enough for me. I can't imagine having my hands more full than they are now. And frankly? I just don't trust that the vasectomy is "enough." I'm covering all my bases. Because I'm terrified.

1 comment:

Destiny said...

I had a tubal ligation. It was overall, a simple, smooth process. The pain was hard to get under control after surgery, and involved vomiting from the pain meds the first day. For about a week, I was sore. When the belly button heals, it really itches.

Christa is adorable!