8.29.2013

Heavy

Yesterday on the drive from my office to pick up Casey from Maria's, I was listening to Katy Perry's Roar on the radio. It's a pretty upbeat, fun song with empowering lyrics but next thing I knew, I had tears streaming down my face. I think it would be easy to blame this on pregnancy hormones but I just don't think that's the case this time around. Sometimes I think I just get overwhelmed and tired of putting on my brave face and just need to cry.
A couple months ago, my dad had a relentless cough so my mom basically forced him to go to the doctor. You know men, unless they are on the verge of death they will never willingly seek help. They thought it was pneumonia and tried to treat him with medication but the cough was persistent. This led to chest x-rays that determined he had a mass in his lung which led to scans and an eventual biopsy. Their identification of the tumor turned out to be false so we are not sure if the mass is cancerous or not. Tomorrow morning, he is going in for surgery and an extended hospital stay. My dad already has Parkinson's and I sort of feel like this is the last thing this guy needs. It's terrible seeing my dad age and get sick and I hate it.
Another person aging poorly in my family is my Gran. My mom's mother is my last remaining grandparent and is in her late 80s. She's been a bit dingy for a while now but only recently she has become quite repetitive and very forgetful. For a couple years now she's been living in an apartment for the elderly with a caretaker coming every morning to bathe her and help her with breakfast and lunch. My parents bring her dinner or take her out to dinner five out of seven nights a week to afford her some kind of independence but the fact of the matter is, she's no longer doing very well and it's likely that by the end of the year, probably sooner, she will have to go into a nursing home.
Work is the same as work has ever been in that it is feast or famine when it comes to how busy we are. I assume our company is doing quite well because we all received 5% raises and a 20-year anniversary monetary bonus recently but something feels "off" lately. Our front office is not running so smoothly and it's a source of daily frustration for me. My direct supervisor is very good to me but is also a micro-manager and after seven years of having to sort of fight to prove myself, I grow weary. All my vacation time is spent in Michigan or tending to the family and I guess, quite frankly, I'm a little bit burned out. Maternity leave cannot come soon enough although that hardly qualifies as a sabbatical, does it?
Last week was the last week of Husband's furlough (unpaid leave) and his struggles with trying to find work up here in addition to that furlough have been quite a strain as well. We are well past the five-year mark of him working part-time in San Diego and I'm extremely tired of him having to keep going down there pretty much weekly despite the fact that he has proven his work performance does not suffer when he works out of the base blocks from our home. While I'm extremely grateful for his income and our insurance, I really anxiously want to start our lives where he is home full-time. Only six more months until I pop and we're going to have to face some serious decision making.
I have so much to be grateful for and I'm very conscious of them but these things must have been percolating under the surface and finally just boiled over. I take comfort in the fact that I have a roof over my head and a family that I love. No one is wanting for anything. We are surrounded by good friends. For the most part, we have our health. I'm glad to know I am strong enough to hold down the fort and hold it together despite how overwhelming things sometimes feel.
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Louder, louder than a lion
‘Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

3 comments:

Coodence said...

Poor thing. I am worried about your dad, too.

Erin Aylsworth said...

This resonates with me so much. I, too, have been there when everything around me seems so HEAVY that no amount of fighting, keeping my chin up, or positive thinking will help. I lose it, have a good, body-shaking cry, and then feel a bit better. All the problems are still there, but I'm somehow to put things in a different perspective. I think you've done a great job at sharing some frustrations but also shown some balance in admitting there are things for which you are deeply thankful. I've come to the conclusion lately that just because I have a lot to be thankful for does not mean there isn't room for improvement, and I think that's OK.

Keep blogging - it's a good outlet for letting some of that stuff out. Keep the balance in focus - it will help you acknowledge the downs while the "ups" act as water-wings so you don't drown in it all.

In the words of Rowlf the Dog, "I hope that something better comes along!"

libelletage.com said...

I am glad that the tumor is not cancerous. This getting older stuff is pretty hard. Sometimes I can't even believe how we keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Having my kid go away to college has been so hard on me. It's been three weeks but it's felt like 3 years. Everyone keeps saying things like it's just like when she used go away for the summer. But it isn't. It's completely different. Because she is grown up now. And she is going to change a lot, and it will be good. But it is never going to be like before.

I tried to convince my husband in my sad state that we should have another kid. He thinks I am nuts.