Onward and Upward

This weekend was rough. Tensions were high. Maybe we didn't have enough to distract us because we intended to take it easy? It's hard to say. I am very emotional and seem to bounce around from feeling a mixture of relief, embarrassment and being ashamed. Thanks to my hormones getting back in line, I go from apathy to rage in a split second. Last night is the first time I really got sad about the miscarriage, the first time I allowed myself to just cry from deep down inside. BFF called so I shook off my facade of strength and started grieving I guess. God bless her for being brave enough to pick up the phone.
This was my fourth pregnancy and I am confidently hopeful it will be my last. I regret not asking the doctor to tie my tubes when he was down there last Tuesday to take the pressure off of Husband to get a vasectomy. With our luck, that procedure would make his wiener stop working and that's the last thing we need right now. I feel like my uterus deserves a break from contraceptives of all shapes and sizes. I just want to have spontaneous, irresponsible sex that has nothing to do with either trying to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Is that too much to ask?
I want to punch everyone in the face that tries to put out a glimmer of hope by telling me to try again or that I'm still young. I know I'm a wishy-washy mofo but I firmly believe I do not want to go through this again. The thought of a third miscarriage instantly sends my imagination on over-drive and I can just see myself institutionalized. The thought of another baby? Well that's horrifying in and of itself right now. My follow-up appointment with the OBGYN is next Tuesday and I am probably going to ask to be referred to some sort of grief counseling. I fear that the loss of two babies could be very detrimental to a marriage and I'm very afraid of the toll it may possibly take on ours. Husband is such a rock. I know he is grieving too but he is a superhero in the way he handles my grief. He held the unfortunate position of being the focal point of all my anger this past week and he took it like a fucking champ. He went back to San Diego yesterday and I think it was for the best. He needed the reprieve and I needed to realize he's undeserving of my anger. We are both in this together.
As for being a friend, I am afraid I am not a very good one right now. I don't know how to deal with this or even how I want to be dealt with. If even the idea of a phone call seems daunting, a face-to-face encounter sounds terrifying. I have two pregnant friends and want to know all about what they're going through and feel like my miscarriage is a burden on them somehow. If there was some sort of magic wand I could wave to make things normal, you better believe I'd be waving the hell out of it. Thanks for listening, everyone. Here's to turning it around sooner than later.


Lisa..... said...

That is really hard. And I can see grief counseling being helpful. I don't have the experiences you have, but I know what a toll this last year has taken on me. My teenager is taking antidepressants and getting better, and I am taking time off work. But wow, that was a heavy load to carry.
I realized it is so hard when you have no one to talk to about it. It's not exactly facebook/blog material, you know?

Coodence said...

well said hosefina.