4.09.2013

Onward and Upward

This weekend was rough. Tensions were high. Maybe we didn't have enough to distract us because we intended to take it easy? It's hard to say. I am very emotional and seem to bounce around from feeling a mixture of relief, embarrassment and being ashamed. Thanks to my hormones getting back in line, I go from apathy to rage in a split second. Last night is the first time I really got sad about the miscarriage, the first time I allowed myself to just cry from deep down inside. BFF called so I shook off my facade of strength and started grieving I guess. God bless her for being brave enough to pick up the phone.
This was my fourth pregnancy and I am confidently hopeful it will be my last. I regret not asking the doctor to tie my tubes when he was down there last Tuesday to take the pressure off of Husband to get a vasectomy. With our luck, that procedure would make his wiener stop working and that's the last thing we need right now. I feel like my uterus deserves a break from contraceptives of all shapes and sizes. I just want to have spontaneous, irresponsible sex that has nothing to do with either trying to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Is that too much to ask?
I want to punch everyone in the face that tries to put out a glimmer of hope by telling me to try again or that I'm still young. I know I'm a wishy-washy mofo but I firmly believe I do not want to go through this again. The thought of a third miscarriage instantly sends my imagination on over-drive and I can just see myself institutionalized. The thought of another baby? Well that's horrifying in and of itself right now. My follow-up appointment with the OBGYN is next Tuesday and I am probably going to ask to be referred to some sort of grief counseling. I fear that the loss of two babies could be very detrimental to a marriage and I'm very afraid of the toll it may possibly take on ours. Husband is such a rock. I know he is grieving too but he is a superhero in the way he handles my grief. He held the unfortunate position of being the focal point of all my anger this past week and he took it like a fucking champ. He went back to San Diego yesterday and I think it was for the best. He needed the reprieve and I needed to realize he's undeserving of my anger. We are both in this together.
As for being a friend, I am afraid I am not a very good one right now. I don't know how to deal with this or even how I want to be dealt with. If even the idea of a phone call seems daunting, a face-to-face encounter sounds terrifying. I have two pregnant friends and want to know all about what they're going through and feel like my miscarriage is a burden on them somehow. If there was some sort of magic wand I could wave to make things normal, you better believe I'd be waving the hell out of it. Thanks for listening, everyone. Here's to turning it around sooner than later.

2 comments:

Lisa..... said...

That is really hard. And I can see grief counseling being helpful. I don't have the experiences you have, but I know what a toll this last year has taken on me. My teenager is taking antidepressants and getting better, and I am taking time off work. But wow, that was a heavy load to carry.
I realized it is so hard when you have no one to talk to about it. It's not exactly facebook/blog material, you know?

Coodence said...

well said hosefina.