End of the Month

  • I really wanted to post weekend pictures but Blogger is being a bitch so if you want to see them you can click here. Damn me if I didn't have my camera when I was visiting with Christine but did I get a picture of her wee baby bump? No. No, I did not.
  • Since she is a wise doctor and has experienced the same thing, Christine diagnosed my excruciating foot pain as plantar fasciitis. Sounds about right to me. I have tried the inserts in my shoes for some time but haven't gotten any results. Next step is trying the stretches I suppose. While I was getting my foot massage during my pedi on Saturday, I didn't know whether to cry or kiss the lady for initially hurting my feet then eventually alleviating the pain.
  • Last night Casey was taking a bath and he sort of rose up out of the water and was on his hands and knees. From the righteous stink of his earlier farts, I deduced he was about to drop a deuce. I immediately responded with "No no no! We do that on the potty!" and lifted his naked ass out of the bath and plopped him on the toilet. Lo, the poop was made and Casey promptly tried to flush it down the toilet but I stopped him so I could take a picture of it and send it to Husband. I think a line may have been crossed there... I'm not super proud of myself.
  • May is tomorrow! I simply have no idea where the time is going and why it feels like it needs to go so fast. A week from today we will be boarding a plane. This weekend we have two parties to attend. Next weekend we'll be celebrating Mother's Day and my and my mother-in-law's birthday in Michigan. The following weekend is the Strawberry Festival. The weekend after that is our anniversary dinner celebration and a Dodger game. Thank God we'll have Monday the 27th off for Memorial Day to recover from all of these exciting good times. I mean DANG... It's not even May and it's already June!


Weekend Wrap Up

This would be called "Weekend Pics" but I forgot my camera at home. Ah, well. What can you do, right? After work on Friday, the three of us went over to Christine's folks' house for an anniversary barbecue. I brought the gift of a bottle of wine for the married folks which is a good thing because when we got there her dad was drinking wine out of a box. Ha! Classic. The lemon bars made fresh from lemons off our tree were a hit as was the company and the conversation. Casey did great going potty at someone else's house save for the one golf-ball turd in the chonies he produced while we were eating dinner. At least it wasn't messy.

Saturday we went to my nephew's little league game at 8 a.m. (why?) and I got to watch a couple innings while Husband and Casey played at the nearby park. It's very hard for me to root for his team since he is playing for the Giants but I suck it up and do it anyway. When we got home the sun was shining so we let Casey strip down to his birthday suit for some backyard fun time in his sandbox and pirate ship that we fill with water. Always a good time watching the nudist play. I baked another batch of lemon bars to bring down to LA and then Christine and I went for much needed pedicures.

We woke Casey up for his nap to depart our home at 3pm and it took nearly two hours to get to BFF's house which is normally just an hour's drive. I wanted to murder people in Malibu but when we finally arrived we were met by many friends and ice cold beer so all was once again right in the world. We had a good ol' sausage fest accompanied by yummy side salads; once again the lemon bars were a hit. After much outdoors play, I found out I am quite good at cornhole. The kids wanted nothing to do with bed time and managed to stay up past the double digits. They were just so darn cute and happy so it totally didn't matter one bit. Frankly, I thought it was adorable how they'd go from snuggling on the couch watching Disney movies in their PJs to running out to the backyard in them to sneak s'mores by the fire. So, so nice.

Sunday Husband had the brown bottle flu. We did muster the strength to take Casey and Betty for a morning bike ride but the sun decided it wanted to stay behind the clouds so that led to a mostly lazy day. I managed to basically slice the tip of my thumb off while prepping a bagel so Husband had to put me back together after my attempts at bandaging myself back up failed miserably. We all took long naps and watched movies and rested which was wonderful. Our night was closed out with a visit from Christine and Alex and it was the perfect end to a lovely weekend. It would be nice if all of our heavily planned weekends between now and June go off as well as this one did.


Arbor Day Haiku Friday

Fun weekend ahead! 
BBQ with Christine hoy
Her parents' anny
Maybe a pedi
Before we bounce to LA
To see Cod and friends
Sunday's free for now
Perhaps a swim in the pool
If weather permits


Potty Talk

Maria has been really encouraging Casey to use the wee training potty at her house for some time now. However, when Casey is at home, he basically refuses to participate in potty time. He's quite stubborn when he wants to be. Because I am a mom of the internet age, I have done a lot of reading about potty training and the theme seems to be the same: don't pressure them, they'll do it when they are ready. A friend's pediatrician (and I'm paraphrasing here) said "You can start potty training early and they'll be trained by 3 or you can just train by 3 and they'll be done more quickly." Because of this, I haven't really exerted tremendous effort and have respected when Casey has not been willing to partake of the potty.
Yesterday when I picked him up from Maria's she told me he had been adamantly against putting a diaper on and had been using the potty and chonies all day. I thought that was great news but didn't expect too much once we got home. When we did get home I knew we had to walk Betty and that he hadn't gone potty in about 40 minutes so I asked him if he wanted to use the potty before our walk and he totally did! It was magic! Then about an hour after we got home I asked if he needed to use the potty again and he did and there was nary an accident to be had.
Because it was late and he absolutely must wear a diaper to bed, I figured this was kind of a fluke but I was still super excited about it and posted it to Facebook. Apparently potty training is kind of a big deal because so many people were "liking" his progress as well! So this morning when I took off his super full peepee diaper, I asked him to sit on the potty and he peed and all was well in the world. He absolutely would not let me put a diaper on him so we did chonies. Before we left for work about an hour later, I asked him to potty again and he did and I just couldn't have been a prouder mommy.
When he pees, he tells me "I did it!" and I say "Yeah you did!" Then he says "You're happy!" and I say "Yeah I am!" Then we sing and dance and high five and celebrate. It's sort of wonderful. And I kind of dig it because I don't have to bribe him yet with candy or treats. Yesterday he had to ceremoniously flush a square of toilet paper down along with his business which sort of made me laugh. Whenever I go to the bathroom, he watches me and when I finish he says "You did it, mama!" and he flushes the toilet and we are all very proud of our accomplishments and toilet time. And why shouldn't we be? Next step: poop and eventually standing to pee. God help us.



We finally got around to watching Lincoln this weekend after several weeks of having it in our home. While this movie was very educational, it was sort of super boring. What I mean by that is, the dialogue spoken in this film was quite eloquent. You could tell that screenplay was worked on out of absolute passion for the subject matter. The costume design and sets all seemed to be quite representative of the time. The roles were exquisitely cast especially the surprise cameo by James Spader but of course the incomparable Daniel Day-Lewis as Abe himself.
As a history lesson, I found myself entranced by the movie. Who knew "Honest Abe" was so shady? He really toed the line of almost breaking the rules to get the 13th amendment passed! However, as a movie, I found myself just a little bored at times. Not a lot of action to be found in this one but there is enough talking to last you for a while. That being said, I really liked it but I don't think it's for everyone. And I can see why it lost to Argo for best picture. It simply didn't have the same kind of wow factor. It was nice to be reminded why Honest Abe is my favorite president though. 


California Adventure Wrap Up

We had a free weekend last weekend so I had tossed around the idea of going up north to see Christine but with Casey having just had his dental procedure I wasn't so sure he'd love being in the car for basically eleven hours over the course of three days. I finally threw caution to the wind and decided to buy tickets to California Adventure. While I was checking out online, they offered $100 off if I signed up for the Chase Disney credit card. Why not? So I did and on Saturday we got up at the crack and headed on down to Anaheim.
I swear I'm so lame because I start crying the second I see the Disneyland freeway exit. I stinkin' love it there. We went specifically for Cars Land and it was so aweseome. It looked just like the movie and boy have we watched that movie a zillion times. It was amazing. The rest of the park was practically deserted by 2 pm and half the rides we just walked right on with no wait. Since our visit last May, they had new Monsters Inc. and Little Mermaid rides and I love love loved them (all our pictures are here). Casey did great in the lines we had to stand in and loved the rides. Although he completely avoided napping he never lost his cool. He did, however, fall asleep about half an hour after we left the park at 6 pm and basically slept until the next day. 
Casey was all decked out in his Lightning McQueen shoes, a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Mater hat so the employees kept giving him stickers and buttons and other park goers showered him in praise for being such a cutie. He refuses to eat when we go anywhere so he basically fueled himself on goldfish crackers all day. We packed our lunches and really didn't spend more than $40 the whole day. It was just what we Fridays needed. On the way home, Husband realized that it was exactly 5 years to the day since our weekend at Disneyland and the anniversary of the first time we exchanged those three beautiful words that we still can't stop saying to each other: "I Love You." If that's not just absolutely perfect, I simply don't know what is.

 Casey meeting Lightning McQueen
 Casey on a tractor (Moo! Pffffffffth!)
Casey fist bumping his best friend Woody.


Haiku Friday

Another week down
And I'm glad to see it go
Baby teeth and bombs
I saw my gyno
Talked about tying my tubes
And the miscarriage
I'd just like ONE WEEK
Of straight, boring normalcy
And peace on earth, please


National High Five Day

You may have noticed that I didn't blog about my weight yesterday although I had kind of dubbed that day "Weigh-In Wednesday" for some time now. The truth is, I quit the diet group. Mainly it's because I am not dieting or exercising and it seemed foolish to stress myself out every Wednesday by looking at the same number that's always there. I also had to step away from the wee message boards that were sort of full of snack shaming. I know those ladies are actually trying but I just don't see the sense in feeling bad about yourself if you want to have a milkshake after you've been working your ass off. So it was better if I just disappeared.
Disappearing actually sounds nice to me right now. I am really gun-shy about making plans or hanging out with people outside of my immediate family and I'm not sure why. I'm super comfortable sticking close to home and just being with Husband and Casey. Maybe it's a side-effect from all the weirdness of the last few weeks. Husband had an unexpected trip to the ER. I miscarried. Talk of furlough was thrown around although nothing has come of it yet. Casey had his dental procedure. Add to that the bad news of bombings and factory explosions and I'd just like to hide for a minute.
Because there is all this sadness and weirdness, Husband and I decided that we were just going to say "to hell with it" and take Casey to Cars Land at California Adventure on Saturday. Soon the weather will be warmer than we'd like and the summer crowds will be pouring in. There's a limited window before Casey turns three and we'll be forced to pay his price of admission. I'm not going to stress about the money we may or may not have. I let our cleaning lady go today after only two visits because I can't justify spending money on something I'm capable of doing myself. Soon the medical bills will be pouring in so for just one day, we're going to forget it all. I think we deserve this.



Ever since I was a little girl, the importance of nice, healthy teeth has been stressed in my family. It was well established that both my grandfather and my mother had phobias about losing their teeth so eventually it became a phobia of mine as well. I'm religious about my biannual dental checkup and as a kid I had braces. I totally judge people with fucked up teeth. It seems only natural, then, that my worst nightmare came true when we found out that Casey, plain and simply, has bad teeth. It has been obvious for some time that his front two teeth looked almost broken with a darker line across them and when we asked his pediatrician about it, she referred us to the spaceship dentist to have Casey checked out.
Sure enough, those teeth had cavities in them as did one of his others. I will confess, I felt like I should shoulder the blame for this. I should have gotten rid of the pacifier a long time ago. I should have stopped using the sippy cup much sooner than I did. I should have really tried harder with brushing his teeth. I should have taken the pre-natal vitamins and forced Casey to take his more regularly. Well after all the should-ing all over myself, the dentist told me that there was really nothing I could do about Casey having bad teeth. Unfortunately, they're just porous and no one is responsible.
After several visits to the dentist over the last couple months for fluoride treatments and checkups, we made an appointment for Casey to have extensive dental work done. Yesterday was the big day and Casey was put under anesthesia and taken to have his procedure done. They had to basically do a root canal on the front teeth. By the time those cavities were taken care of, not much of his actual teeth remained so they made composite teeth. They're a little on the gray side but they're there and didn't have to be extracted so I'm pleased. Turns out Casey's upper lip just lies very low so you can't even really see them anyway. From what the dentist told us, about 50% of three-year olds don't even have their front teeth because of trauma anyway. Who knew?
He also had a cavity in one other tooth that was filled. The dentist was kind enough to use a bone colored filling and only charge us for a standard metal one. His remaining teeth were covered with a sealant that should prevent further deterioration. The whole thing took about two hours and cost just under three thousand dollars. While Casey is definitely worth every penny, I'm not going to lie - that is a shit ton of money. Luckily, we were approved for a 12-month same as cash Care Credit account so we don't have to pay it all off at once. And hopefully our insurance will cover at least a portion of that.
Casey took the whole thing like a damn champ. He fought off the anesthesia for as long as he could but eventually succumbed right before they were going to resort to giving him the nitrous. He woke up in a great mood and immediately began asking where his toys were. The anesthesiologist hinted that me might be disoriented or lazy for most of the day and he would likely not eat anything. Yeah right. Getting him to take his nap was like wrestling a gator. When he woke up from his nap, he ran into the other room telling me how hungry he was and basically ate and drank us out of house and home for the rest of the day. He peed right away which is a great sign. And resting? Haha. He laughed in the face of resting. I'm glad he's such a resilient little trooper. Hopefully we never have to go through this sort of thing again.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Healthy teeth means a healthy body (and an empty wallet).


Licorice Day Haiku Friday

April's really sucked
Maybe it will turn around
Optimism's hard
Casey's surgery
Is scheduled for next Tuesday
They're knocking him out
Not much after that
Hoping for smooth seas ahead
Mama needs a break


Perfect Storm

Last night Casey just had a bad night of sleep. There was a lot of crying and coughing for a few hours in his own bed and then he brought it into mine. I have to assume it was congestion because he had a snotty nose this morning. From the middle of the night until we woke up there was coughing, crying, tossing and turning which meant not much sleep for any of us. It's kind of him to share. Thanks to all of this, I woke up tired with a headache, a bad attitude and ended up running a bit behind schedule.
After my shower I thought I should give the Bun a carrot because I feel I neglect him. When I went out there armed with treats, I saw that he had no water. Neglect confirmed. That meant I had to add another step to my morning to refill his water bottles so I was more behind. While I was in the back yard, I looked around and saw many, many piles of poop that I had to clean up because it's gardener day! More behind. Then I hear Casey scream so I yell at Betty because I know she's to blame and she decides to pee on the carpet and I get to clean it up. More behind.
As if that wasn't enough, Casey had a diaper full of poop that obviously needed to be changed before I headed out the door to work. I am going to rename him Old Faithful because it never fails that if I'm running behind, he has shit himself. Luckily, it didn't turn into the shit storm we experienced at my brother's house on Monday when he was wearing his big-boy chonies. I asked him at least every two minutes if he had to potty and the answer was obviously no because he was too busy wreaking havoc with his cousins. Shortly into our visit, I noticed his shorts were wet so I went to change him on my niece's pretty purple changing table and was greeted by a huge, stinky load that looked just like melted chocolate. Ever try to peel off a poopy pair of underpants? It's a real mess, trust me on this. Poop all down his legs, under my fingernails, falling on the floor. Parenthood, man. It's a real treat.
Hump day has passed but here's the MORAL OF THAT STORY: I deal with enough literal poop in my home life that I shouldn't have to deal with any figurative poop. DON'T MESS WITH ME.
Have a nice day.


Weigh-In Wednesday

Well you guys are never going to believe this but I am still fat! Haha. I'm down .2 from last week, 1.6 overall. This is week 6 and I believe there are two more weeks to this challenge but I can honestly say I checked out about week 2. Let's talk about weighing in here for a second. I weigh in the same time, same place, same scale every week. Every week I get about 5-6 different weights. They're all pretty much the same but why is my scale so stupid? Good question. Moving on.
I think it was the day after my procedure when I last walked Betty at the insistence of my son and I was pretty winded. Last night we walked again, in the wind and everything, and I did much better. I have this idea in my head about exercising to my Wii dancing game or maybe doing a yoga DVD but I just haven't gotten there yet. Heck I even have a Wii fit I could turn on but no. I just haven't. On top of that, I just hired a cleaning lady to come every other week so I can't even pretend like I have chores that will count as exercise. I did, however, detail our truck like my life depended upon it on Saturday so there was some effort exerted.
I definitely need to get back to bringing food to work because I have been eating out like every day and that's not good for the wallet or the waistline. I didn't lose any weight when I quit drinking beer so drink beer I shall. I also have to keep my hand out of the candy dish at work. These are simple things. Eat less and better. Move more. This isn't rocket science.


Onward and Upward

This weekend was rough. Tensions were high. Maybe we didn't have enough to distract us because we intended to take it easy? It's hard to say. I am very emotional and seem to bounce around from feeling a mixture of relief, embarrassment and being ashamed. Thanks to my hormones getting back in line, I go from apathy to rage in a split second. Last night is the first time I really got sad about the miscarriage, the first time I allowed myself to just cry from deep down inside. BFF called so I shook off my facade of strength and started grieving I guess. God bless her for being brave enough to pick up the phone.
This was my fourth pregnancy and I am confidently hopeful it will be my last. I regret not asking the doctor to tie my tubes when he was down there last Tuesday to take the pressure off of Husband to get a vasectomy. With our luck, that procedure would make his wiener stop working and that's the last thing we need right now. I feel like my uterus deserves a break from contraceptives of all shapes and sizes. I just want to have spontaneous, irresponsible sex that has nothing to do with either trying to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Is that too much to ask?
I want to punch everyone in the face that tries to put out a glimmer of hope by telling me to try again or that I'm still young. I know I'm a wishy-washy mofo but I firmly believe I do not want to go through this again. The thought of a third miscarriage instantly sends my imagination on over-drive and I can just see myself institutionalized. The thought of another baby? Well that's horrifying in and of itself right now. My follow-up appointment with the OBGYN is next Tuesday and I am probably going to ask to be referred to some sort of grief counseling. I fear that the loss of two babies could be very detrimental to a marriage and I'm very afraid of the toll it may possibly take on ours. Husband is such a rock. I know he is grieving too but he is a superhero in the way he handles my grief. He held the unfortunate position of being the focal point of all my anger this past week and he took it like a fucking champ. He went back to San Diego yesterday and I think it was for the best. He needed the reprieve and I needed to realize he's undeserving of my anger. We are both in this together.
As for being a friend, I am afraid I am not a very good one right now. I don't know how to deal with this or even how I want to be dealt with. If even the idea of a phone call seems daunting, a face-to-face encounter sounds terrifying. I have two pregnant friends and want to know all about what they're going through and feel like my miscarriage is a burden on them somehow. If there was some sort of magic wand I could wave to make things normal, you better believe I'd be waving the hell out of it. Thanks for listening, everyone. Here's to turning it around sooner than later.


National Deep Dish Pizza Haiku Friday

This week can suck it
Work was a beast yesterday
Plus that other stuff
I went out last night
Beer at Pirate's Grub-n-Grog
With two sweet ladies
4:30 today?
Casey was done with sleeping
T.G.I.F., y'all


Weigh In Wednesday

Looks like I haven't gained since last week and I did get a pedi so all is right with the world. Yesterday was my D&C so I'm not sure how that affects weight since I'm all bleeding and shit. All I know is I didn't eat anything all day yesterday except for a delicious In-N-Out double double, a Neapolitan milkshake and some fries right after my procedure and then later I had a soda and some broccoli salad for dinner. I had had some water in the morning and apparently broke the cardinal rule of anesthesia. Who knew? Either way, I survived my procedure although I did tell the nurse if I died during it to mark "She drank water" on my headstone. I'm on recovery mode right now so there won't be much exercise in my life for a little bit.
Yesterday before we went to my afternoon appointment, Husband and I went to the new REI to kill some time and keep my mind off how damn hungry I was. I thought I'd be brilliant and try on some bathing suits and it was all just sad hilarity. These were XLs and I looked like a stuffed sausage. Couldn't even get the wee size 14 board shorts over the ol' thighs. Might as well hate myself more while grieving  and starving eh? Jesus Christ.
This morning I went to get my haircut and had some good laughs with my beautician. Stopped by the doctor for my RH negative shot. Visited new mom Gen for some newborn time. Even got to feed baby Ethan a bottle and hold him for a good hour of nappy time. Then I hit Anaba for some solo sushi and a nice cold Sapporo. I'm having a nice Stone IPA and some Cadbury mini eggs while I type this before I take a nap. I am trying to avoid being sad and am just trying to be grateful for what we have. Life goes on you know? Gotta let go of the shit that holds you down.


Argo Fuck Yourself

After all the hype around Oscar season in regards to Ben Affleck being snubbed for the Best Director nomination and Argo winning best picture, I was very excited to watch this one. I had one good friend tell me it was boring and another tell me it was fantastic so I really had no expectations one way or another but I can happily say I fell into the latter opinion. Not only was Argo beautifully directed and bursting at the seams with great performances, it was also original and felt very fresh to me. All the accolades surrounding it were well warranted. Argo was suspenseful, had a historically accurate feel in my opinion and intertwined moments of sheer hilarity and sheer terror seamlessly. I haven't seen a Ben Affleck movie I haven't loved.
When I think back to my schooling, I feel ashamed when I watch movies like this and it has to be a history lesson for me. As I watched the embassy being stormed by activists I felt sick to my stomach. When the hostages were walked blindfolded into a dark room with guns aimed at them, my heart ached. Watching the planning and execution of a basically doomed and impossible escape had me pacing around my living room. I laughed and cringed and cheered... Frankly I can't believe this actually went down in real life. Not only was I entertained, I was impressed. Good show, Ben Affleck. Good show indeed.


No April Fool's Day Joke

Today I had my second ultrasound. They were running about half an hour late so I sat in the waiting room uncomfortably, with a full bladder, a poop knocking on my back door and a tummy full of butterflies. After we were brought back, she tried an external ultrasound with no results and excused me to empty my bladder and, you know, do that other thing. On the way back to the exam room from the bathroom, I burst into tears. I can only imagine what I was having was a mix of sheer terror and post-traumatic stress disorder. I did my best to settle myself down and the transvaginal ultrasound commenced.
The technician suggested I was about 6-weeks along because all she could see was the gestational sac. I told her that was impossible because I found out about 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant. She said she was only there to read the results but it was up to the doctor to make the call. We were escorted back to the waiting room but I went outside to call my mom and try to pull myself back together. I told her what we saw and we both agreed it didn't sound good so once again I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.
My OBGYN is nothing if not straight to the point and he came in basically saying this was not good news. He put me at 7-8 weeks minimum considering my last period and the fact that I am a very regular menstruator. By this point, the baby would be the size of a blueberry and pretty hard to miss on an ultrasound. A heartbeat should definitely at least be seen if not heard. There should have been a fetal pole. None of the aforementioned applied so he suggested we go home to grieve and think about what we want to do next. He said it was fairly normal for a woman my age to experience at least two miscarriages with the third almost always working out but the thought of trying again makes me want to die. I am not strong enough to deal with this sort of emotional upheaval.
Because Husband has a background in medicine, he and the doctor threw around the idea of another blood draw to test hormone levels and perhaps we should do another ultrasound in a week. My OBGYN humored him but I think it was pretty clear to all of us that we were just trying to postpone the inevitable. After much deliberation, we conceded to the fact that low blood counts the first draw accompanied with two sub-par ultrasounds basically meant there was no good news to be had. There had been little to no development in two weeks and we just needed to come to terms with the fact that this pregnancy wasn't viable. 
Naturally, we are devastated and I'm currently awaiting a call from my doctor confirming my D&C appointment. I wanted to tread so cautiously this time but still was sort of careless by telling a handful of people we were pregnant. I was gradually getting more and more comfortable with the idea that this was really going to work. Just like the last pregnancy, I dismissed early questionable news (last time a lack of heartbeat on the doppler, this time low hormone levels) and tried to make excuses for them. Just like the last pregnancy, I am left with nothing but grief. I tried to cling to any glimmer of a symptom but in reality I think that my body was being tricked by hormones. And so today we carry on, with no desire to try again and a renewed sense of gratitude for the family we already have.