From Coldplay to Linkin Park

Yesterday I posted this on Facebook: I think this week so far is summed up best by Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. #emorandi
Today I think I would write: Today's song lyric of note would be from Linkin Park: Takes me one step closer to the edge. And I'm about to break.

Sunday was a great day, I'll tell you what but it's been downhill from there. Here's a summary so I can lay it out for myself even if you, dear reader, may be bored to death.
  • My mother is miserable because of my Gran and my dad, both of whom she has to care for. Gran suffers from dementia and bitchiness. Dad suffers from Parkinsons and being retired (a.k.a. laziness). I am the receptacle for her bitching and I'm just not one who can shake things off that easily.
  • I emailed with my sister-in-law yesterday and she told me she and my brother are having troubles. I think she was trying to be sympathetic but mostly it just makes me worry about the D-word. (That would be "divorce" by the way).
  • Husband has been down south for work a lot lately which leaves me with just too much in the way of Casey and Betty on top of working full-time.
  • I am still fat and frankly I feel like staying that way because eating is the one thing that makes me happy. Fat Bastard? Why yes.
  • I am still not pregnant. I know this because I have peed on many, many strips and I'm also suffering from severe PMS.
  • Husband's work (a.k.a. The Navy) is threatening unpaid furlough days which I am sure you have read about because congress can't seem to develop a budget. That would essentially mean about $400 a month in unpaid wages. Maybe I'm wrong and it's not congress. Frankly, I don't give a shit.
  •  Last night I went out for a super fun dinner out with Casey and my folks and Casey basically conned a stranger working at the restaurant to pick him up and hug him. However, because God or Fate or some motherfucker is testing me to see how much I can take, at 10:30 pm I was awaken by the sounds of Casey screaming. I thought he was having a nightmare so I didn't rush in right away but then he screamed again. When I ran into his room, I found him sitting in a pool of strawberry-scented vomit. Oh, fruit snacks. So gross.
  • Neither of us really slept a wink because after I got him cleaned up and in to bed with me, he proceeded to cry out and toss and turn all night long. At one point I'm pretty sure he got out of bed. Yeah. Not fun. No Husband.
  • Every morning this week Casey has said "I want to go back home" when I drop him off at Maria's. This morning, he said it with tears in his eyes thus leaving me crying.
So yeah. That's that in a nutshell. I haven't taken a vacation since December of 2011 and that was post-miscarriage and we went to Michigan. My next vacation is 2 months away. To Michigan. Again. Please, dear God, give me a motherfucking break already. Amen. 


Weigh-In Wednesday

On January 1st I joined this group with a weigh-in of 224.5. That was an afternoon weight with clothes on. This morning's naked weight was 222.4. I deduced my clothing weighs about 1.6 pounds so if I am down at all, it is about a half a pound. Not great but at least I didn't gain. Since I am a glutton for punishment, I have joined a second challenge called Spring Into Fitness hosted once again by the lovely and patient Jessica. This one ends April 24th, approximately two weeks before I leave for Michigan and turn 36.

As far as exercise goes: not so great. I have taken Betty on a walk twice this week but last week is a blur. This past weekend there wasn't much physical activity going on but it sure was a fun weekend full of going places and doing stuff! I figure I'll try the treadmill thing again soon but probably not this week. Last night I went to Vons and stocked up on salad, fruits and vegetables for work and lower calorie evening snacks. That was pricy but I figure it will keep me from going out to eat and can hopefully help me kick the bad habit of getting sodas when I go out. Water intake has increased to about 64 ounces a day and I need to keep on that.

My goal is to lose something this time. I say 10 pounds but I'll be happy with anything. Two other goals I had last challenge were to lose weight to get pregnant (didn't happen) and to lower my cholesterol to avoid going on medication (still at like 240 I think and that is ATROCIOUS). My Lent goal of giving up beer and candy is only going so-so. I have not had candy since the 13th which is pretty great for me. I have lapsed on the drinking part, though. I figure if I make it Monday through Thursday without drinking: that's a win. I did that last week and this week is looking good. So here's to a new beginning!



We managed to squeeze some time in this weekend to watch Bernie.This is a true story based on an article about an actual murder committed by a real-life Bernie who was a funeral director in the small Texas town of Carthage. I had never heard of the movie or the crime aside from a brief review in EW, but I threw it on the queue as I am prone to do if something piques my interest.
This movie is quite unique in the sense that it has well-known actors portraying the lead roles while most of the supporting roles are "played" by actual townspeople. I guess you could call it a mockumentary. Since true-crime television is a favorite of mine, I gave Bernie a chance and I was not disappointed in the least. The people giving commentary about the events that occurred were charming and oftentimes hilarious.
The story is that Bernie was quite beloved for being a genuinely nice man. Marjorie (MacLaine) was a wicked old widow who met Bernie at her husband's funeral. The two had an intense relationship until one day he snapped and killed her. However, he didn't report her death and went on basically being a charitable beneficiary of Marjorie's fortune and spread her wealth to the people of the Texas town while continuing to lead a very modest lifestyle for himself. When he is being prosecuted for her murder by McConaughey's uncharacteristically unattractive and unlikable district attorney, most of the townsfolk don't really want Bernie to be punished. It's quite a story and frankly seems both too strange to be true and too strange to be made up. I recommend this movie if you are up for something "new." Bernie was definitely unlike anything I've seen in a long time. Heck, it's worth the rental just to listen to Jack Black sing throughout most of it!


Weekend Pics

This weekend BFF & Co. and my family took the Metro from Culver City to The California Science Center to see the Space Shuttle Endeavour. Casey hasn't been on a train since he was about 4 months old so this was very exciting for him as you can see by his expression above. 
When I walked into the hangar to see the Shuttle, I was suddenly covered with goosebumps and sort of started crying uncontrollably.
This was a big, wonderful specimen and made us all quite proud that we, Americans, pulled this off. Very moving. And the best part was it was only $2 to see. Huh?
Casey and Sasha really loved this exhibit/aquarium so we spent a lot of time looking at fish through a giant wall and under a tunnel. There was even a scuba diver feeding the fish with tongs. It was really something. Worth noting? The Asian tourist next to me spoke very little English but I could definitely make out P. Sherman and Sydney. Yup, Finding Nemo.
Casey made friends with this tortoise and I just thought it was a fun picture. The museum has lots of different things to do and see and touch. It was a perfect spot for the kiddos to explore.
And finally, here's one of my favorite pictures of the day. A lady gave Sasha a heart balloon and she just couldn't have been happier. Best of all? Casey didn't try to steal it from her and thus "a scene" was averted. The rest of the afternoon was spent enjoying adult company while the kiddos napped it off. All in all, a fantastic Sunday outing with the Bhallagrasses.


Fabulously Fat Haiku Friday

Latte, Madeleines
Brought to me at my workplace
By my enabler
Bossman chimed in, too
And bought breakfast burritos
Why the heck not, man?
Co-worker asks me
If I'll go to lunch with him
I say: "What diet?"


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 7

According to this here photograph, I am down 1.6 pounds since last week. I'm not entirely convinced that is true, but I'll take it. As I mentioned last Wednesday, I had decided to give up beer and candy for Lent - so basically until the end of March. The candy part has gone very well but the beer, not so much. I didn't drink beer Wednesday through Friday of last week, but I did have wine those nights (except for Wednesday but especially on Valentine's Day). Baby steps I guess. A cold one - or two - after work is a hard habit to break.
On Saturday morning I cleaned the house and did laundry for almost 3 hours straight so I earned a nice cold beer. Then Christine and I went for mani/pedis and a nice girls-only sushi lunch and I had a couple more. And then, basically, just kept drinking because why not at that point. Sunday I was a little better, but not much. Monday we went on a super awesome hike for a couple hours and I had two beers at dinner. Normally, I would be drinking from noon on if I wasn't at work so I feel like though I totally failed the Lenten challenge, I did better than I would normally for a holiday weekend.
Other than the hike and cleaning, exercise has been pretty sparse. I stumbled pretty hard on my hike so my left leg is super sore right now. The treadmill is gathering dust. Oh, well. I'll try harder later I guess. My co-worker is on vacation so there is no temptation to go out to lunch and I've brought my salads and granola and nuts and healthy snacks for this week.
I did sign on for another challenge that begins the day after this one ends and I hope to do better. My new goal is to lose 10 pounds by my birthday/Michigan which is about 12 weeks away. Originally I had said 20 but I'm trying to be realistic. I'm just so fucking tired of being this heavy. I want to be a size 12, not a size 16. Is that so much to ask? Love, Randi


Weekend Pics

We decided to hike Piedra Blanca on President's Day and when we stopped to get our permit, these little blue birdies were there and we figured that was a sign of a good day to come.
It was Betty's first hike and she took to the trails like a true pro. She would run ahead and come back to check on us and just would not quit. Hiking was a favorite past-time for Husband and Kiyah so it's nice that Betty likes it too.
Casey and I found a spot under some shade so he could have a snack. We sat on a picnic blanket under which he wanted to "z'hide!" but we were not about to "z'hide!" on a dirt trail under a dirty blanket. Mom is such a killjoy.
Casey wanted nothing more than to dive into this icy water so Husband had to carry him like this. He spent a lot of time on Husband's shoulders but really did great considering we were out there for a couple hours.
Betty may have bitten off more than she could chew because she was exhausted on the car ride home. She actually fell asleep just like this and though it's not pictured here, she drooled all down the seat. Really nice.
And then there's this guy. Husband said he saw him at the trail head on our way into the hike and he was there on the way out. While we were loading up the car to head home, he approached us: tall and lanky with braces, lip quivering out of fear. He had ditched his friends and had no cell service and was looking for a ride down the mountain into town. After looking him up and down, Husband told him he was going to the bathroom and would take a look through his stuff and we'd give him a ride. Came to find out his name is Remington and he's a sophomore at the high school in Ojai. He told Husband he had a camping knife which ended up being some gigantic Rambo looking thing so Husband confiscated it for the ride. When you're 15, you really believe you need that kind of gear to go hiking I guess.
He said on the way home that he didn't know how to ask for help when he was at the trail head. I find this to be a sad commentary about today's society. Luckily, he found the super nice Fridays to help him but I have to wonder what would have happened if he'd been stuck there. It's funny because before we had Casey, Husband and I hiked another trail close to this one and stumbled upon a couple with a dog. They looked disoriented and it was a hot day and they were walking on the road as we were driving home. We pulled over and offered them a ride back to their campground because they had gotten lost. I'm sure glad we look trustworthy enough for people to keep hopping in our car after our hikes but I also have to wonder about the people who maybe aren't experienced enough to tackle such big adventures. Be safe out there, readers.


VD Hangover Haiku Friday

Husband sure spoiled me
He came home super early
Surprised me at work
No Valentine's card
A hardcover book instead
Wrote nice words inside
Then wined and dined me
And took me to the boudoir
Yeah... I will stop now.


Happy Valentine's Day

Once upon a time I was in love with a boy and he dumped me. Twice. On two separate Valentine's Days over the course of five years. After that it was really hard to give a shit about this particular holiday especially since I rebounded with an emotionally unavailable dude and wasted another several years of my "romantic" life with him. I remember being a kid and thinking Valentine's Day was so much fun, exchanging cards and candy with our classmates, dressing in red and decorating with hearts. For as long as I can remember, my mom has given me a red gift on this day but she's at sea on a cruise right now so I have no red gift from her.
I didn't have much in the way of Valentine's Day decorations so I cut pink and red hearts out of some leftover craft paper that I had and made a string of them covered in heart stickers and put them around our fireplace mantle. I was hoping it could be a fun project for Casey and me but he ditched the whole project after he put the first heart sticker on so that was that. I had a red rose wreath I used at Christmastime so we bought a pink monkey plush that was holding a red heart and now he lives in the wreath above the fireplace and it is all very festive in our living room now. Casey, however, seems a bit pissed that his monkey lives up there rather than in the pile of stuffed animals in his bedroom.
Husband is coming home from San Diego a day early just to spend Valentine's Evening with me. I have a card waiting for him at home. I covered the envelope in I Love You's and Xs and Os. That's about the extent of our celebration though I may buy him a beer cuz I'm just that classy. I gave Casey a card that screeches like a monkey when you open it and a replica of the car his daddy drives. Something special for him. It's not red, but it will do. 
Hope your Valentine's Day is great regardless of whether it is romantic or not. And for goodness sakes, I hope no one breaks up with you today.


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 6

Went up .2 but my effort level has been holding steady at zero throughout most of this competition so I won't act surprised. We've taken at least 4 walks to the park since last weigh-in which is pretty good. I had a pretty lazy weekend and took naps both days. Last night I had a couple beers and finished off the last of my Ben & Jerry's S'mores ice cream but I feel like having the grilled fish and salad for dinner in lieu of fried fish and fried sides speaks volumes. I've been trying to drink more water and make better food choices but Monday sucked so hard I ended up having a Quarter Pounder with Cheese McDonald's meal and I'm still trying to get over the shame of that.
I have some candy bars lying around that I need to get out of my life so I plan on giving those away shortly. Today is Ash Wednesday so even though I'm a lapsed Catholic, I still try to play along each year. This year, BFF and I talked about giving up beer and candy with the Sunday stipulation in play (basically Sunday is a cheat day that Catholics seem to approve of). Christine will be here this weekend so I hope I can stay strong until her dad's birthday party on Sunday. And I hope to not become a wino while kicking the beer habit but I won't make any promises. For those of you wondering, Lent is from today until March 31st, Easter.
I think these weekly updates have gotten to be a bit negative so here's some positive stuff just to let you know I'm not a body hater:
  • I like that I'm strong enough to carry my son and wrestle and toss him with ease.
  • I like the feeling I get when I push the stroller while leading Betty on the leash. She's really strong so she pulls and I feel like a warrior handling both things at once.
  • I like that my handsy Husband still finds me sexy even though I am significantly heavier than when we met.
  • I posted a picture of myself when I was young and skinny at Homecoming on Instagram and think I'm sexier now that I have boobies. I was flat as a board senior year apparently.
  • I'm proud of my body for carrying Casey to term and for recovering quickly from my miscarriage.


Haiku Friday

It's tax time today
I'm a little bit nervous
Just don't want to owe
It's supposed to rain
A chance of thunder, they say
Puddles for Casey
We have no real plans
Other than dinner tonight
With Uncles and Gran


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 5

Well last week I was 223 and this week I'm 224 so I'm up one from last week but still down .5 overall so I guess that's that. I finally broke down and bought a scale for my house so I no longer need to weigh myself in front of my co-workers in the warehouse. I don't know how accurate that thing is but that's fine, too. I'd rather weigh in the comfort of my nudity at home so there. According to this, my clothes weigh about 1.6 pounds which seems way too low but I guess that's reality. I can no longer live in denial.
I'm smack dab in the middle of my period and coming off of a weekend of binge eating and drinking (thanks, Super Bowl!) so frankly I think I'm doing ok. I'm maintaining at least. My "No Beer February" has not started yet but I'm not surprised. I live to make unachievable goals. I've not really exercised since last weigh-in and I've been slacking on the salads. So... yeah. I either need to try harder or accept that I weigh this much and move on with my life.
This week this link has been circulating and shared by many of my Facebook friends that I read and it gave me some perspective. It relates to me because I am always behind the camera and whenever someone takes a picture of me I scrutinize it to death and usually try to delete its existence. I don't know when I stopped being based in reality, but the reality is I weigh what I weigh and it is no one's fault but my own. I know my son couldn't care less how heavy I am; all he wants to do is play and cuddle. My Husband must think I'm still sexy because our fat sex is pretty super. In the future we will all enjoy looking back at pictures of ALL of us and we won't be looking at how fat mommy is, but how much fun we all had together.
While weight is highly scrutinized in my family, I have learned to mostly ignore the "joking" insults. I know this weight is unhealthy but I'm not going to live every second wondering how many calories I'm consuming and burning. I love food and I love beer. I don't binge eat packs of hot dogs and barrels of candy. Unfortunately, I have a desk job and busy evenings that make exercise a challenge. Until I can figure out how to add more hours to my day and be less exhausted, I suppose things will sort of just stay this way. And frankly? I'm kind of ok with that for now.


Movie Review Monday

If you are my friend on Facebook or if we have run into one another since I watched this on Friday night, then you know already I loved Pitch Perfect. It is no secret that I love Glee so it seems like a no-brainer that I'd like this movie about competing a capella teams at a university, but I just wasn't sure about it. Either way, I threw it on the queue and was not disappointed. Glee is definitely campy but it tries to be a little bit serious about current events and there is definitely some depth to it. I can't say that about Pitch Perfect which is why it was such a treat. I mean, this movie was just so cheesy and corny and I couldn't have liked it more than I did. I was squealing at Husband, like completely out of control with how pleased I was watching some serious ridiculousness. Oh, Husband. He's such a good sport putting up with me and this kind of shit. The music was great, the girls were funny and there was a wee cheesy love story that just tickled me. And I think it speaks boatloads for the movie that I walked away from it really liking Anna Kendrick even though she really turned me off in some of her other roles. Two thumbs way up.


Hello Feb Haiku Friday

Busy weekend, y'all!
Tomorrow my uncles come
Here from Germany
Sushi dinner planned
The whole family together
Nine adults, Three kids
Sunday? Super Bowl
We're having some friends over 
For good food and fun