On Perez Hilton this morning, I saw an exclamatory headline about Beyonce opening up about her miscarriage. It had come out after she announced she was pregnant or right after she had her baby that she had previously miscarried. I think it was something Jay Z said. Either way, I have mixed emotions right now and instead of putting it on Facebook, I've decided to just put it here instead.
It's no secret here that I had a miscarriage in December of 2011. It is, however, sort of still a secret on Facebook and I'm not sure why but either way, that's the way it is. Lately, I've been talking a little more openly about it in comment form and whatnot but I never really addressed the fact that I had posted about being pregnant and then after the miscarriage, I basically deleted any reference to it. After that incident, I posted a little more about beer and figured everyone would just sort of put two and two together on their own. I'm friends with a lot of Husband's family and friends and he is much more private about such things than I am. It's the same reason we never really publicly announced Kiyah had been put down.
Personally, I don't know how I feel about Beyonce being some sort of spokesperson for miscarriage all of a sudden. It seems strange to me. Am I making this uglier than it needs to be? Maybe. Deep down inside, I feel like this is a tactic to bring attention to her new album and that we are expected to applaud Beyonce for her bravery. She basically said she used the sadness following her loss to write the first song on her new album. I'm also curious as to whether Beyonce talking about her miscarriage will be helpful to anyone. It sure would be nice if her "coming out" would take some of the taboo away from miscarriages which are obviously far more frequent than anyone wants to talk about until you've had one but I'm just not sure that's what will happen here.
There. I feel better now.


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 4

Just a summary for this month:
Jan 2 - 224.5
Jan 9 - 223
Jan 16 - 223
Jan 23 -224.5
Jan 30 - 223
(looks like my goal of being in the two-teens for the doctor this Friday will not be met after all)

As the challenge's coordinator Jessica so kindly told me when I sent her my numbers this morning: it doesn't matter what happened in the middle, just that I am down now. Since last Wednesday, I used the treadmill twice and walked Betty once. Not particularly exceptional but better than nothing. In order to motivate myself to treadmill more, I put a calendar in front of it with a highlighter and a pen. This way, I can highlight the days I use it and mark down how many calories I burned as well as record my Wednesday weigh-in. Sometimes it's nice to actually see your progress that way.
Eating habits have not been great but I did have salads for lunch Monday and Tuesday this week. I am also attempting to drink more water at work. Monday I had 32 ounces, Tuesday 64. For the past two nights, I stuck to one beer with dinner. I also paid close attention to my portion sizes when I served myself leftovers. I realized I was eating way too much trail mix at work so I took out the M&Ms and am making a concerted effort to only have the 1/4 cup serving as a snack. I will confess to eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's between Monday and Tuesday. I know I need to stop bringing that shit into my house but I fucking love ice cream.
This weekend is Super Bowl and my Uncles are coming in from Germany so I know there will be quite a bit of celebratory eating and drinking. After that, though, I am going to try to attempt to do a Beer-Free February. I'm going to make a concerted effort to have salads for lunch daily and get home to use the treadmill more often. This particular challenge ends February 27th so it's now or never I guess. Mostly, though, I'm going to focus more on eating healthier, smaller portions and exercising and less on the number on the scale. I am more than what I eat and what I weigh.


Netflix: Two for Tuesday

Beasts of the Southern Wild has been raved about in Entertainment Weekly for months so I finally broke down and threw it on the queue. The lead actress is the youngest actress in history to be nominated for an Oscar in the Best Actress category. It is also nominated for Best Picture and I tend to want to see as many as I can before the actual ceremony. I love movies and I love the Oscars even if it does make me a pretentious shit.
This is the story of a community of very poor people living in the bayou. Hushpuppy is the little girl that must basically grow up too quickly because her father is dying and the bayou is flooding to the point that it is inhabitable. Apparently there is a fantasy element to this story and prehistoric beasts are involved, hence the title, but I can honestly say I couldn't understand any of it. It was very slowly paced and hard to follow. Frankly, I can't say much about this movie other than it's tragic to think that kind of poverty exists in the United States. Yup. That's about all I took away from it. Husband said "This is the last of the indie garbage you bring into this house." Which leads me to review number two.

Recently Christine reviewed this movie on her blog but prior to that, Husband bought this book for my dad because he happened to hear about it on a podcast. You see, my dad is a bit of a sleepwalker himself. He is constantly fighting off wolverines (why wolverines?) and saving my mother from thugs. He screams out in his sleep often and it never fails to scare the ever-living shit out of my mom. Once, he jumped out of the bed to pursue his prey, ended up running straight into the wall and gave himself a bloody nose. Really nice.
Sleepwalk With Me is the true story of a comedian who suffers from REM Sleep Behavior Disorder. Basically, his physical body acts out his dreams which is basically horrifying to imagine happening but pretty funny to see interpreted on film. The story (and so I assume the book as well) is humorous and very interesting. However, I had a hard time liking Mike Birbiglia in this movie. He's very dry and until he hits his stride performing, is not very funny. His character (and thus himself) says the best thing about him is his girlfriend of 8 years and he's not even remotely interested in marrying her. His parents are sort of a nightmare and he's a struggling bartender, wannabe comic. Just not overly likable. That said, I did enjoy the movie but I think I'd prefer reading his words as opposed to seeing him act them out for me.


Movie Review Monday

Because I feel bad asking my folks to watch Casey so we can see a practically three-hour movie, I took a half day on Friday to go with Husband to see Zero Dark Thirty. This way, I don't have to pay a sitter and Maria and Casey are none the wiser. By the way, whatever happened to a 90-minute movie? Is it really so much to ask for? Not that I'm complaining when it comes to this one though. In case you are out of the loop, this movie is about the pursuit and capture (well, assassination) of Osama Bin Laden.
The first two hours of this film are pretty tedious. According the story, Maya is an agent who was basically recruited straight out of high school to work for the CIA though we never really find out why. All she has done in her 18 years at the CIA is pursue Bin Laden. We get to see how she clings to the smallest lead almost obsessively and how it leads to the climax of her career. We also get to see some pretty questionable torture behavior from citizens of these United States to get those little leads.
There is no question as to whether this film merits its multiple Oscar nominations. It is epic story telling while simultaneously a history lesson. I walked away from seeing this feeling a lot of patriotic pride. Frankly, while the torture was unnerving to watch I feel its blatant honesty is a part of the story that needs to be told. I felt dumbfounded as to how this whole thing went down over so many years. As for Jessica Chastain, I have only ever seen her in The Help and her character in Zero Dark Thirty could not be more of a polar opposite. Just a really incredible performance. And so many familiar faces in supporting roles. I highly recommend getting a viewing in before the envelopes are opened on February 24th.


I'm a Mom Haiku Friday

Under the weather
I blame Casey, lack of sleep
Yet I'm here at work
You know you're a mom
When sick days aren't for yourself
But for your baby
I'm off at noon though
To see Zero Dark Thirty
Because I said so


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 3

Well here we are at the end of week three and I'm exactly where I started. Since the name if this game is "No Excuses" I won't attempt to make any. My exercise track record from last week was pretty abysmal. I cleaned the house on Saturday. Sunday we rode bikes for a while. I did the treadmill during lunch yesterday and walked the dog last night. Other than that, I didn't exert too much extra effort aside from rough-housing with Casey every spare moment of my life.
As far as eating goes, I had salads four times last week and twice so far this week. I totally ate another pint of Ben & Jerry's this weekend which I really need to stop doing but apparently I can't seem to control myself. I definitely drank my fair share of beer, too. I know that the beer is my biggest problem, but this isn't AA and I'm clearly not slowing down any.
Husband said there was no use in dieting until after Superbowl and I might be agreeing with him a little bit at this point. However, I will continue to count my tiny victories. I think I'm doing better about bringing lunch to work and at least I am attempting to use the treadmill that was for months just used as a dust attractor in my garage. I'm still trying to leave a little bit on my dish and I'm making a concerted effort to drink more water. 
The girls on this facebook group are a lot of fun and seem to be very supportive. I don't feel afraid to share my progress regardless of success or failure. Basically, being in that group with 50 other women that are basically on the same boat as me takes the edge off a bit. I have until February 1st to make somewhat of a dent in my weight/eating habits before Dr. T tells me off. So here we go again. Back to the drawing board.


Tired Haiku Friday

Casey has regressed
To the sleeping habits of
A newborn baby
Waking up at 3
Climbing in to bed with me
So I'm awake too
Then Husband's snoring
Is like a roaring freight train
So sleep? None for me.


Big Fat Baby Maker

I was so happy that I didn't gain in yesterday's weigh-in that after work I proceeded to stuff my face at my parents' house. I love hot dogs and never really eat hot dogs. My parents made hot dogs and the rest is history. I had chips and dessert and a couple beers and I laughed in the face of dieting. BUT? I did good at work and used the treadmill at lunch so I guess that's better than it could have been. This is how I look at my day now... goods and bads. Highs and lows.
So I figured I was back on the wagon today but not really. See, this morning I went to the OBGYN and their scale is actually right on with the scale I use to weigh myself in our warehouse so I guess I really am just that fat. Because the East winds are blowing, I decided against the treadmill today because I'm super congested and full of static electricity and no. So I decided against the damn salad, too and stuffed my face with my co-workers AND got a soda on top of it. Ugh. Whatever. I guess I can just try to be good tonight but I know I'm not walking the dog in this wind either so we'll just call today a lunch-hour fail and I'll carry on with my life.
My biggest fear was that the OBGYN was going to tell me that I can't conceive because I'm a great big fat person but when I suggested that theory to him he pooh-poohed it and said there were lots bigger ladies than me getting knocked up. He said that it was his job to tell me to lose a few pounds but then he also said I'm not nearly as big as the women he's seen and I'm a "big girl." I am pretty sure he meant sturdy and tall but "big girl" always makes me think obese. Which I am. But I digress. He doesn't seem the least bit concerned that I've been trying since September to have another rugrat so I just need to be patient.
Speaking of being patient... When I told the lady at the front desk I was there to find out why I wasn't pregnant yet she told me this story. A friend of hers had been trying for a long time to have a kiddo and finally just gave up on the idea. She ended up going through the adoption process and just as it was complete, she found out she was pregnant. With TWINS. So she had an 8-month old adopted baby when she ended up birthing out two more babies. Can you fucking imagine? Now that same lady has six kids total. I told her not to put that evil on me. I'll be fine with just one more. Please. God. If you're listening. Amen.


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 2

Well I'm still only down that pound and a half but I'm in the Weight Watcher frame of mind where I'm just glad I've maintained. I suppose it could have been worse. Monday of this week is the first time I've started bringing fruits and veggies and salads to work. My work-week plan goes something like this:
- 2 cups of coffee with Splenda and nonfat milk
- 1 packet Quaker Instant Oatmeal (about 130 calories)
- 1 banana
- 20 minutes on treadmill doing about an 18-minute mile (burns about 100 calories or more)
- 1 pre-packaged Caesar salad (230 calories) but I add cucumber and this legume mix I get at farmer's market. Thinking I need to add a hard-boiled egg for more protein to stave off afternoon hunger.
- 1 package of baby carrots (25 calories)
- A large handful of the trail mix I made which is mixed nuts, M&Ms (a girl needs something!) and raisins.
- Go home and walk Betty and Casey to the park
- Do my best to eat a reasonable dinner.
- Limit to one beer at least Monday through Thursday.

This Monday I started going home and doing the treadmill on my lunch hour. I do about 20 minutes because it's really all time will allow once I drive home and change into workout clothes. Between Wednesday of last week and today I only walked Betty 3 times again. I know I can do better than that but I'm glad I got at least that much in. Saturday I cleaned the house very thoroughly so I consider that a bunch of exercise. Followed that up by chasing Casey and his 1-year old cousin around for a good 5 hours. I definitely feel I'm getting my "activity" in. I've started taking a vitamin that has a stool softener in it so between that and all the water I'm drinking (about 2 Siggs a day),  I feel like all I do is go to the bathroom. I've kept it to a beer a night Monday and Tuesday and for anyone that is a mother parenting alone, if you can do it without the comfort of a nightcap then you're a better mom than I.

I know I can do better on the weekends. This weekend I convinced Husband to buy me a pint of Ben & Jerry's limited edition Cannoli flavor. It was so worth it ohmygod. We also went to a brewery on Sunday to watch the game, something we NEVER get to do, and I had two super tasty beers (there... but more at home...) and some calamari. I also know we should be outdoors playing harder and more often but it was just so damn cold! My goodness. But? I think as long as I'm consciously trying at least most of the time, then I'm winning. So there. My BMI is somewhere in the 34 range putting me right in the middle of obese so that's awesome. I've got six weeks to go! Let's get me out of 34th place!


Book Review

"Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own." This tiny excerpt is only a morsel of an example of why I love David Sedaris. One of my New Years Resolutions was to read more books so I'm proud to report that I finished Me Talk Pretty One Day last night in just about two weeks. At this rate is should be able to read 26 books by the end of the year. Ell oh ell, you guys. That's totally not going to happen. I have two weeks of Entertainment Weekly to catch up on, for goodness sakes.
This is my third Sedaris book in succession (even though it's been over three months since I finished the last one!) so I'm going to try and read another author this time around but I still have two more of his books waiting on my bookshelf. The man just has a way with words. His collection of short stories is nothing more than retelling something as mundane as a French lesson yet I end up laughing so hard I literally have tears streaming down my face. Husband clearly knows I love what Sedaris has written when I read aloud to him, all the while snorting and screaming while trying to contain my laughter and remain composed enough to blurt out a sentence or seven.
Now that I'm in the groove of reading instead of watching mindless television or obsessively looking at my phone, I'm excited to see what kind of books I can burn through that have been patiently waiting on my shelves... some for years now. Shameful.

Personal Edit/Update: I read only 12 books last year... and not one a month either. Yikes. Good thing I'm working on that.



We had high hopes to watch at least three movies this weekend but we only got around to watching Ted on Friday night. I don't know how many of you know what a huge fan of Family Guy I am but I married a guy that reminds me of Peter Griffin so that ought to set things straight. Naturally, this was going to be right up my alley. It took me a few minutes to wrap my head around a stuffed bear talking like a cross between Peter and Brian but once I got past that it was easy to love this movie. It was a lot more 80s nostalgic than I thought it was going to be and dammit I just think Mark Wahlberg is great. Go figure that Marky Mark would one day end up to be such a fine actor once he stopped dropping his pants and whack rapping.
What surprised me the most about Ted is how heart-felt it was. Of course it was full of bong humor and ridiculousness but the relationship between Mila Kunis (could she be more beautiful?) and Mark Wahlberg was really sweet. Hell, even the relationship between Ted and Mark Wahlberg was sort of believable in how natural and awesome it was. I feel like FG has the ability to do this as well. As funny and stupid as that show is, there is that strong sense of family bonds and you genuinely like the characters. Plus, Ted managed to do a few fantasy cut-away scenes like FG does and they were incredibly funny. Husband and I both had a good laugh and I think if you like FG, there's no going wrong with Ted. My mom and dad would agree.


Vehicular Haiku Friday

Frost on your rooftop
I feel bad for you and Bun
It's so cold outside
Today is your day! 
You get a new battery
And new brakes to boot
I hope you live long
We can't afford a new car
And I like you lots



  • I am currently ranked 34th in my weight loss competition. I'm no math wiz but I don't think my chances of winning are very good.
  • Since I just finished my period I can go ahead and accept I am still not pregnant. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Someone mentioned scarring after a miscarriage and Husband is on a medication that might affect sperm count so I'm a little bit "blech" about the whole thing right now.
  • Uncle Sam is taking $77 a pay period away from Husband and myself. This is not very helpful when we are facing either $2K in repairs for Vehicular or a new car payment. And let us not forget about the price of airfare for our trip to Michigan this May! 
  • Our tax appointment is about a month away and my stomach is sort of in knots over the whole thing. Last year I was claiming the wrong thing so we paid out the ass but now that's fixed plus I had them deduct a little extra so I am hopeful we get money back. That's how it works for homeowners with offspring right? 
  • My mother bought Casey a pair of rain boots the other day and he has consistently worn them with his pajamas to Maria's every morning since in lieu of his slippers. I think the whole "dress myself like a weirdo" phase is on the horizon.
  • I'm hosting Super Bowl if anyone wants to come.


New Year, No Excuses - End of Week 1

Well, you guys, I guess I did it. In a week I "lost" 1.5 pounds. I'm not entirely confident that is true, hence the reason "lost" is in quotes. I weighed in last Wednesday afternoon and this time it's the morning. But I guess I'll take it since Monday morning, the very same scale said 224.5. This is my period week and I'm on the tail end of her right now so I trust nothing any scale says.
I didn't really behave myself other than I may have cut back a bit on the beer. I only walked the dog and the boy to the park about three times so that's not very good as far as exercise is concerned. I guess this should be the time I grab the bull by the balls and really get serious so it's only natural that today I forgot my oatmeal and last night Vons didn't have any of my salads that I like so I'll be going out to lunch for the third time this week. The Randi Diet Plan is to have no plan at all I guess. So going forward:
  • Drink more water at work
  • Move more - maybe next week I'll start going to my house and doing the treadmill for a half an hour on my lunch break. I used to do this to go to Curves and it's no further a drive than before. 
  • Get oatmeal from McDonald's this morning for breakfast and then tomorrow it's back to Quaker
  • Choose something sensible for lunch while eating out and don't get soda but ultimately I need to bring my salads to work especially if I'm going to have time to do that treadmill thing.
  • Always try to leave a little bit on the dish.
  • Limit to a beer a night during the week or shoot for no beer (good luck LOL)
  • And for God's sake keep my em-effing hands out of the candy/cookies/ice cream etc.


Oh, Netflix

This weekend I was so excited because I had finally gotten the last two Netflix DVDs out of our house after nearly a month of gathering dust on the shelf and two fresh new red envelopes had arrived. Netflix thought they'd play a funny game and send me a random movie off my queue rather than the next on the list. Either that or I don't know how to manage my queue and I bumped Warrior up from #47 to #1. Most likely, it was the latter.
Husband decided we should watch it even though I was super mad it wasn't Ted and thus we did. First impression was that it was trying to look like an indie even though it didn't have much of an indie feel. Second was that the "action" was so slow there were times we sped the DVD up to 1.5 and just watched the actors twitch like they had Tourette's Syndrome and listened to them talk like chipmunks.  Let me break down some of the cliches:
  1. Recovering alcoholic dad
  2. Orphaned sons
  3. Good son vs bad son
  4. War veteran but he's a deserter
  5. Teacher and wife (high-school sweetheart of course) working three jobs between them and about are about to lose their home because of hospital bills for their sick kid
  6. Widow of a marine needs to be taken care of by the deserter
It was all so cliche it almost felt like a spoof. Husband wondered why they couldn't find an American beefy dude to play either of them (Hardy is British and the other dude is Australian) but I'm pretty sure the they passed on these roles because the movie was just so cheesy. Quick question, why did they have a Boston accent if one lives in Pennsylvania and the other one grew up on the west coast when their mom fled from their abusive dad? So many things wrong with this one but if you want to see some ass-kicking, there is plenty to go around in this here movie film. Plenty.


Django Unchained

Let me preface this movie review with a non sequitur: We saw Django Unchained at the Camarillo movie theater and I felt like I was cheating on our regular spot in Oxnard. I had free passes and we're being frugal so it made sense but everything was wrong. The self-serve, sort of flat soda. The butterless popcorn that you had to butter yourself. The Reese's Pieces in a box instead of a bag... Yeah. All wrong.
With that said, Django, or any other Quentin Tarantino movie release for that matter, is somewhat of an "event" for Husband and myself. Though I like some of his films more than others, I can say that any time he releases a movie, I know it will be unlike anything I have ever seen before. Django is no exception because in the wrong hands, I really don't think this movie would have worked so well. As a matter of fact, I think this was my favorite of his movies thus far. The acting was unparalleled. The historical aspect was unsettling as well as enlightening. The story was entertaining. The soundtrack was perfectly fitting even though it bounced from Western-style sound to hard core Tupac to a really rousing John Legend number. I laughed, I got a bit teary-eyed, I cheered and flinched and shuddered. He pretty much takes you through the entire spectrum of your emotional responses.
The two and three quarter-hour running time wasn't too bad but there is no getting around the fact that Django is a long ass movie. I enjoyed just about every minute of it but it got me really wondering how in the hell slavery happened. I mean, that is some brutal, fucked up nonsense. Tarantino is not afraid of shoving some torture in your face, I will tell you what. There were several times I had to look away from the screen because it was just so VISCERAL. That's the perfect word for this movie. That or "blood bath." Quite frankly I think DiCaprio, Foxx and Waltz can do no wrong. Their chemistry was amazing. Good good good stuff. Go see it.


Hello 2013 Haiku Friday

First haiku this year
Stepping off on the good foot
The right frame of mind
My budget looks tight
My food plan is in the works
Trying to move more
Been busy at work
Busy with Casey at home
Gittin'er done, y'all


New Year, No Excuses

Since weight loss is part of my New Year's Resolution list, I decided to get peer pressured into doing a challenge by the lovely Chaos & Love blogger, Jessica. For the low price of $25, I have enrolled into a weight loss competition that started yesterday and runs until February 27th. There is the potential to win a good chunk of change so that is certainly motivational but there is also the idea of me having to be accountable to someone else. So yesterday afternoon I took my "before" picture, a picture of the warehouse scale and sent them off. There was no turning back and I will do this every Wednesday for another 8 weeks.

Pretty right? I think the black socks really make the look. Hahahahhahaha. What else can I do but laugh? Over the Christmas break I saw two pictures of myself with Casey where I thought "Who is that great big fat person next to my son?" When I can't wrap my head around the fact that I look like an entirely different person, it is time for a change.
Since I couldn't believe the number on that scale I checked again this morning and it was actually at 222. Morning weight check is so much better than late afternoon. Just to clarify, that weight is with jeans, tee-shirt, socks, underwear. No shoes.
I'm not exactly sure how I want to approach this diet thing but yesterday I didn't really snack for the most part. I didn't have a beer like I usually do after work. I thought about going to McDonald's but went to Jersey Mike's instead. Today will be better. My short term goal is to get into the two-teens by January 25th at 4 pm for that is when I am going to see my primary physician for a checkup. Can't wait to hear his wee "Mrs. Friiiiiday..." lecture.


Happy New Year!

'Tis the season for resolutions, eh? I took a moment last night before I went to bed to jot a few things down that I would like to achieve this year. Mostly, I am not trying to be unrealistic in the things I would like to achieve. Here goes:
  • Eat and drink less
  • Move more
  • Get pregnant
  • Less Facebook and more reading books 
  • Learn to like and be happy at the job I have had for the past 7 years or really truly start getting serious about finding a new one.
Ultimately, I would like 2013 to be my very last year as a great big fat person. I'd like to get healthy as to never be a burden on my family or our finances. I'd like to be in a position where I am teaching my son better habits when it comes to food and activity. Casey is more perceptive now than he has ever been so it's a good time to get serious. Plus, we're really working on making him a big brother. Gotta get ready for that physically as well.
I started reading a new book yesterday. Journal-ed a bit  before bedtime to reflect on the nice New Year's Eve we spent with my brother and his family. It's always so flattering when someone chooses to ring in the new year with you, right? Or to choose you to spend an important evening with. It felt really nice. I had only two beers all day yesterday instead of the four to six I would normally have. Took my vitamins before bedtime. It's all about the baby steps.
Mostly, however, I would just like to be in a positive frame of mind this year. I think that means having more patience, cussing less, being more optimistic, making realistic goals and broadening my horizons mentally and physically. I want to learn more and see more so I can be more. This sure has been a cheesetastic post but I'm leaving it. It's meant to be this way.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Today is day 2 of a 365 page book. I'm going to make it a good one.