Seems fitting to type about this today. Last night, fellow blogger and enabler Genny came over to my house bearing a bag full of 50 or so hospital grade pregnancy tests. Just what I need right? To thank her for her generosity, I asked her to stay while I tested my pee. As the many, many tests prior to now have read, these too were negative. "These" because after she left I took another and again this morning, one more. I have a sickness.
To say I am relieved that these tests are all negative would be an understatement. I have come to the conclusion that I am 100% happy to have one, perfect little boy. I kind of have known this for a while but this most recent go 'round of being off of birth control and having sex with my husband has really proved it. Can I tell you how stressed I have been? I have been buying piss tests like a damn junkie and I have literally been scratching the flesh off my legs about it. I don't need this much stress over anything in my life, especially not the thought of bringing another child into this world.
I think I have been listening too much to the outside forces of the world, be they intentionally aimed at me or imagined by me. My pregnancy was pretty much the norm and my birth story is the easiest one ever told. However, I had challenges recovering from childbirth and I suffered from some pretty stupid postpartum depression. I sort of knew just after Casey was born that I didn't want to go through any of that again but I tricked myself into believing it was just PTSD.
Then, there was the miscarriage. I try to tell myself I am not one to look for signs but if there was ever a sign that maybe Casey was "enough", that should have been it. It's been almost a year since the miscarriage and I can honestly say I am just not over it. Hell, I'm not over the fact that I intentionally terminated a pregnancy almost 16 years ago. These two things weigh heavily on my mind. They're practically daily thoughts. I need to listen to myself - and to Husband who has told me time and time again he supports whatever decision I make when it comes to bearing his children - and put this shit on hold, perhaps indefinitely.
Next step is looking into hormone-free birth control options. I have also taken a note from Christine's blog and am making some goals:
Financial: We're paying things off and building savings accounts up. Casey will have his own established by the end of the month and I am banking on a healthy bonus to get us back on our feet.
Spiritual: I started a journal by my bed and am starting it off by listing what I am thankful for each day this month. It's nice to stop and realize what you have.
Career: I am going to try and maintain a more professional composure here and hope to retain my sanity along with my job. However, I have applied for a position elsewhere and am anxious to see where that goes. I know from experience that the process is very slow so I am patiently waiting.
Health: Husband and I both need to get our cholesterol under control so we are focusing on bettering our diet. We have both decided to cut back on our beer consumption during the week. Yesterday was the first time I didn't have a beer after work in some time and here I am, alive to tell the tale. I have remained strong about avoiding the candy dish at work, am bringing my salads for lunch again and have a stash of good snacks that are helping me avoid the tray of cookies in the other room.
Physical: When daylight savings started on Monday, I started walking the boy and the dog in the morning. It's not much but it's more than what I was doing. I also have a treadmill in my garage waiting for me to use it. Our goals for the weekend always include walks and bike rides so I just need to keep up with that. Hard not to be physically active with a 2-year old boy-child and a puppy.
Organizational: I would like to start a list of things we need to do around the house, for the house and in general. For the most part, I'm anal and organized but I need to get a realistic look on pricing things to get the house in better condition. Other than that, I'm calendared up the ass.