So Long, January

What more fitting way is there to bid adieu to a month than going for a blood draw and urine sample at the start of your day? Looking back on the month I'd say a lot has gone one. Casey and I went up to my old stomping grounds at Camp Ramah to bid adieu to an old friend and co-worker who moved from LA to NY. We joined some friends in celebrating their son's first birthday. We hung with some new friends at BFF's pad to watch Green Bay blow their playoff game. Then we closed it out with that trip to Big Bear. Not too shabby.
Casey had a doctor's visit that was the most excruciating thing to ever happen to him. Apparently stripping down to get on a scale is as cataclysmic an event for a one year old as it is for my fat ass. Ha! I saw the OBGYN and he told me to get knocked up again because he was "optimistic" and I decided to go back on the ring. I saw my primary physician and he is the one that sent me for today's blood draw. He apparently saw how much weight I have gained and thought it best to check my cholesterol and thyroid. Always a good time. I had this feeling like I had just been to the phlebotomist and I couldn't figure out why. When I got there, I realized I had just been there for the pregnancy screening and it gave me a case of the sadz but not too heavy because I'm on Prozac again.
Yup. Prozac. I gave in. I guess I just have to accept that there is something off kilter in my system and I just need something to help level me out. Yesterday was the first Monday in a long time that I didn't lose my shit at work. I think Bossman may have noticed something was off because he really tried to get my goat a couple times but I just didn't give in. Ultimately, I think Prozac just keeps me from being super passionate about dumb shit. Does that make sense? So something that normally wouldn't really bother a "normal" person, will drive me crazy mad. Yeah. I don't know. I'm on it and we'll see how it goes I guess.


Big Bear In Pictures

The kids watching Yo Gabba Gabba and co-existing nicely.

41 bottles of beer on the wall! 41 bottles of beer!

Casey at Big Bear Lake with the ducks

Finished that puzzle like a boss!


One thing I love about being in SoCal is that I can be at the beach in a matter of minutes and on a snowy mountain top by a lake in a matter of a few hours. What I love most about SoCal, though, is that now little trips like these with BFF & Co. are things we actually get to do instead of talk about doing now that they're no longer in NY. Sasha and Casey are only 2 months apart and it's really neat that they get to grow up together. This weekend was so chill. We got to drink beer and play games and sit in a hot tub and watch the kids play. I mean, dang. What a nice way to end January.


Thomas Crapper Haiku Friday

Three glasses of wine
Plus first period in months
A killer headache
Santa Ana winds
Just might bring that headache back
In time for Big Bear
Haven't been out there
Since I was in 7th grade
Should be a fun time


Good, Bad, Ugly

The Good
  • Casey let me sleep until quarter to 7 today! After several pre-6 wake ups, this is epic.
  • Spending this weekend in Big Bear with BFF & Co.
  • My period came back!

The Bad

  • Getting a bill for $155 for the "interpretation of your biopsy or specimen"
  • Coming to the realization that I must go back on Prozac after one too many mood swings.
  • Accompanying the return of the period is the return of the Nuvaring as I have decided that another child is definitely not something I want but condom-less sex is.

The Ugly

  • Casey's temperament for the past week because he's had a cold.
  • How much our bunny poops.
  • 220 on the scale.


Movie Review Monday

I've fallen a bit behind on the reviews and I'll blame playoff football games for this. Hopefully with the season winding down I'll get back on track. Because really? I don't care about the fucking Patriots going to the Superbowl AGAIN and I'm a bit butt hurt about San Francisco losing because that was at least a California team that I might be able to root for.
Speaking of San Francisco, that's where Rise of the Planet of the Apes is filmed. The only reason I put this on the queue is because it is awards season and everyone is raving about the job Andy Serkis of Golum fame did making lead ape Caesar come to life. Both his performance and the CGI effects are noteworthy indeed. The cast was pretty solid. I think James Franco is lucky he's had the solid roles he's had but I'm not sure he's the best actor. Every time I see John Lithgow I think of Harry and the Hendersons. Frieda Pinto was super pretty. Draco Malfoy had a cameo and got to do the "damn dirty ape" line from the original.
Basically this movie is about a bunch of monkeys that get a hold of some brain enhancing meds and break lose in San Francsico. Supposedly this is the prequel of the other Planet of the Apes movies and I have to admit I have seen none of them. This one's got a lot of back story and Alzheimer talk when in reality all you want to see is apes doing some damage. If you're patient enough, you get to see some serious shit go down on the Golden Gate Bridge. That's about all I can say about this movie. Yup.


Haiku Friday

Got some sleep last night
Husband took Casey duty
Praise Baby Jesus
Doctor this a.m.
Asked me if I was pregnant
Not "still" but "again"
Freaked me the fuck out
Bought a test at CVS
Rest assured, I'm not


Good, Bad, Ugly

The Good
  • Tomorrow is Friday and I don't have a single plan for the weekend.
  • I actually did the rollover from one retirement plan to the other without fucking up my taxes!
  • Our lunch was super late today so I got a free cupcake. Better than nothing.

The Bad

  • Casey's sick which means neither of us is sleeping. Still.
  • Facebook lately. What's with all the inspirational quotes and pictures of inspirational quotes that should be on Pinterest instead of clogging up my feed? And why does it bother me so much?
  • My mood, essentially.

The Ugly

  • After eating salads and fruits for several days, the gas my body is producing is simply inexcusable.
  • How Casey's cough sounds like a dog barking and how his face is consistently covered in snot and drool.
  • My mood, essentially. Both bad and ugly. Yup. I'm aware.


The Pursuit of Happiness

I wonder when that was written for our Declaration of Independence, if the writer knew that the attainment of happiness was a far fetched idea. Like, you can try for it but I wouldn't expect it. I've been thinking a lot of the "idea" of happiness. Here are a couple definitions:
a : a state of well-being and contentment : joy
: a pleasurable or satisfying experience
Is happiness fleeting? Is that what that means? One is a "state" and the other is an "experience" and neither of them scream "permanence" to me. What I read is that ultimately there are only moments of happiness but ultimately it's going to be a majority of bad experiences or mediocrity? Is it futile to expect more?
I really hope the feelings I am having this week are caused by PMS (please, God!) otherwise I may have reason to worry. My son has entered a stage in his life where he must cry or have some kind of fit just about all of the time. Sure, there are moments of laughter and playfulness but ultimately, he is a struggle. With him entering this stage of his life in addition to having no spousal support in the home, I'm starting to feel unhappy more often. So often, in fact, that I wonder sometimes if it is permanent.
With my home life being a struggle, my sleep suffers. When my sleep suffers, my mood is affected. When my mood is affected, my relationships become tense. This not only affects my relationship with Husband but with my family, friends and co-workers. Because I am the kind of person that tends to air her dirty laundry, I worry about how I am perceived by the friends I vent to. It's a vicious cycle and I'm exhausted by it.
In yesterday's comments, Jessica told me I should give myself some slack because it had been a rough year.
It's entirely possible I'm simply being too hard on myself. I may be expecting too much as well. Lately it's been harder to be optimistic and count my blessings, though. Lately, I'm just tired.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: I'd rather lay it out here than be Debby Downer on Facebook.


Reflections on a Tuesday

  • I'm in a better frame of mind about food and being fat than I was yesterday. I stood on the scale after my shower and it was less than I thought it would be, although not by much, so I've decided to let that be a catalyst for good behavior. I didn't eat candy at work yesterday and instead snacked on fruit. I only had one beer last night as opposed to the couple I usually have. Today it's been oatmeal and almond milk and I brought some more fruit and my salad for lunch. I also really like April's idea of halving my portions. Such a simple thing to do! While I'm trying to avoid eating out, this is probably essential when I do. Husband is a fan of filling the huge dishes we have with servings of food so perhaps I need to be the one serving myself.
  • Eventually, I have to find some way to exercise. Walking before work is not an option because I am not in the mood to drag Casey out in the morning. Walking after work is a struggle because it is still pretty dark pretty early. I have not yet used the Wii Fit I swore I would use because frankly I'm not sure how. There seem to be treadmills on Craigslist but I need to wait until tax returns before I commit to that big of a purchase. I keep thinking I'd like to walk on my lunch hour but I've yet to figure that out either. I own yoga DVDs but actually putting them in? Yeah...#whitepeopleproblems
  • Sleepless nights affect me more than I should let them. I believe this is another reason to not have a second child. Since last Thursday, I've had interrupted sleep or very early wake ups. Last night, Casey was to blame because he has a cough that is apparently cataclysmic to an almost 17-month old. I do not have the patience to deal with this sort of thing. I ponder often if this is why I was on Prozac or if it's just OK to be that irritated. It tends to seep over to Husband, too. It's definitely something I'm struggling with because I do not want to go back on Prozac but I don't want to dislike my family.
  • If my period ever comes, I have decided that I am definitely going back on the Nuvaring. I don't think I love the idea of hormones but I definitely do not want an "accident." This Friday will be 5 weeks since the miscarriage... I wonder if it will be soon... Maybe this accounts for my awesome mood?
  • Thankfully, I am sorting all of this out prior to my doctor's appointment this Friday. I'm also quite proud of myself for sort of actually sticking to my new year's resolution of getting healthy. Husband bought two packages of Double-Stuf Oreos because they were on sale and I haven't even LOOKED at them. Silver linings and small achievements, people.


Morbidly Obese Monday

Funny how that kind of spells MOM right? Because I am both a mom and morbidly obese this Monday? OK, maybe I won't go that far but I am definitely pushing it. Whether I claim 5'7" or 5'8" (I'm somewhere in between, I think), the old BMI definitely says obese. I really have no excuse for this other than sheer laziness and gluttony. I don't exercise and basically I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Or don't want it as is what happened this morning.
Seems like every Monday I stake a claim that today is going to be the day the diet begins. Today started off innocently enough. I packed my bag for work with my oatmeal squares and almond milk in my attempt to lower my cholesterol before I have to see my primary physician on the 20th. I grabbed the bananas, blueberries and blackberries to snack on. Then, out of nowhere, my co-worker comes in and hands me a sausage mcmuffin. This is after I've had my breakfast. I can't say no, so I eat it. WHY CAN'T I SAY NO?!?!
I even have a big ol' thing of gum on my desk so I can chew that rather than dip into the candy drawer. Does that stop me? Not always. I keep water in the fridge at all times because supposedly water helps you feel full. Can we just admit this is a bullshit thing to believe? Because it does not ever make me feel full. It just makes me run back and forth to the restroom all day which is essentially the majority of the exercise I get.
My jeans are tight and these are the fat jeans. I will not get another fucking size bigger. I will not do it. I can't believe these fat jeans are tight. It's astonishing. But I should believe it, right? Because yesterday I threw caution to the wind and devoured snacks and beers while watching the Green Bay game like it was my God-given right! Thank goodness I attempt to diet at work otherwise where would I be?
So now that I fucked up by eating the sausage mcmuffin, I'm not going to eat lunch. I'll just go home and watch Husband eat. To remind me of what I have done. And just like last week, I will have salads for lunch for the remaining 4 days of the work week. Because I have to. I just can't keep on like this. I need to literally lose at least 50 pounds to be even remotely within my healthy range. Diabetes runs in my family, for chrissake! I do not want to get "the sugar."
There. End of rant.

April 20 - May 20
The opportunity to make a change in your life, which you may have been contemplating for a long time, could finally manifest itself today, Taurus. This could be a move to a new neighborhood, a return to school for an advanced degree, an entirely new profession, or all of the above. Whichever it is, expect to spend a lot of time throughout the day discussing it with friends and family. Then move ahead with whatever plans you have.


Haiku Friday the 13th

Casey and Husband
Get the whole day together
While I sit at work
Buying a bunny
I want to name it Gertrude
Gertie or Trudy
Less work than a dog
Just to have a pet, you know?
Something to snuggle

***Edit: It's a boy bunny. I guess Gertrude won't work.


Good, Bad and Ugly

The Good
  • Found an excellent backup sitter situation for when Maria has emergencies
  • Got an "all-clear" from the OBGYN this morning
  • Had a nice dinner with 3 of Husband's Navy buddies last night. 1 brought me wine, 1 flowers and the other a cheese and meat platter. My favorite things!
The Bad
  • That Maria's brother had to die for me to find a sitter backup
  • How I felt leaving my OBGYN and walking into a room full of preggos
  • My addiction to Words With Friends
The Ugly
  • I drank a whole bottle of wine last night so I imagine around 3 my hangover will come a'knockin'
  • My complexion is that of a 14-year old going through puberty so methinks Aunt Flo is right around the corner
  • How much I crave candy while at the workplace


5 Stages of Grief

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:

  1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
  2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
  3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
    The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.
  4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
    It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
  5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
    In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.
So as bad ass as I may come across for my last post about the miscarriage, truth is it's been a month and I'm still struggling. I think I'm in stage 4 of this grieving process if I had to put a number on it. I know I'm depressed when I become apathetic and apathetic I am. Blah. Thankfully, some of the "bad feelings" I was harboring were put aside last night when Husband and I finally took a moment to sit and talk. With a toddler and phones that have facebook and a huge high def TV, there always seems to be something to do other than talk. Last night after Casey was down for the night, we turned everything off, had a couple beers and shot the shit for a solid hour.
Sometimes I get so hung up on being a mother and taking care of the house and work and all the other tidbits of life, that I forget to be a wife. It doesn't help our cause that we live together part time. I need to take moments to remember that I wanted to marry this man for a reason. We happen to have a leather-bound book that the officiant at our wedding gave us with the vows we took on the day we got married. In that same book, we jot down moments worth remembering in our marriage. I took a moment to re-read a few entries, to write about the miscarriage and to reflect on how much I really do love this man I'm married to. So my heart feels a little better today and I think I'm moving on to stage 5.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Bad things happen but you can still live. It's time to let go.


Movie Review Monday

Friday night's DVD was Horrible Bosses. To be honest with you, I had very low expectations for this movie. Most of the comedies we've gotten lately have just not been that funny. I'm super glad it broke the string of bad flicks we'd been watching. Jennifer Aniston has never been nastier. Colin Farrell has never looked worse. Kevin Spacey has never been such a dick. It was great. I clearly love Jason Bateman as all of us do. Sudeikis really effed me over with Hall Pass but made up for it here. As for Charlie Day, I could hardly stand him in the single episode I watched of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which I could hardly stand either. However, he was the scene stealer in this movie. Very funny. I think it's his high pitched voice. Whatever it is, this cast and this very dark story really worked for me. Plus, a Santa Clara alumnus makes a brief appearance and it made me proud to be an Oxnardian and a Saint.

Next up was Super 8. This really was a no-brainer and I'm not exactly sure why we didn't see it in the theater. Husband identified the Goonies vibe right away and from there it was just a great, old-fashioned movie watching experience. The train crash sequence was amazing. Elle Fanning? For a 14-year old, she can sure act her ass off! My goodness! There wasn't a moment in this movie where I lost interest. The kids are just great and the air force is a super great bad guy. As for the alien? Let's just say it made me poop my pants. Not literally. But close. Loved it.


Inaugural 2012 Haiku Friday

I now floss daily
I overheard something once
It extends your life
On a bad note, though
I'm not speaking to my mom
Not a great start, 12
So... Resolutions
Made some but didn't start them
I have all year, right?


Stolen From BFF

Five best things about 2011 - as inspiration for 2012 (in no particular order)
1. The birth of my niece
2. Buying a house
3. Being in MI twice this year for my brother-in-law's boda and for a white Christmas
4. BFF moving to California
5. Being Crusty's Matron

Four general plans for 2012
1. Focus on getting healthy as I am sure weighing 220 pounds as I write this is not that
2. Be more fiscally responsible
3. Read more books
4. Start dating my Husband

Three places I plan to go in 2012
1. To Big Bear at the end of the month
2. To the movies more often
3. To Portland to meet a friend's first baby when it is born

Two career goals for 2012
1. I think this is not necessarily for me but to get Husband transferred up here already
2. Goof off online less

One change I'd like to make in 2012
1. To be more positive and relaxed without the assistance of Prozac. I went off when I got pregnant and would really not like to get back on again. Instead, I'd like to try to elevate my mood with exercise and a healthier diet. Perhaps even go back to keeping a paper journal.


Movie Review Monday - Double Feature

We had to make up for lost time having not seen any movies in a Michigan theater. On Friday I only had to work until noon but Maria didn't know this so Husband and I had a free pass to see a movie. We had thought about going to see the second Sherlock Holmes installment but decided on Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol solely based on Rotten Tomatoes approval ratings. Beforehand we had some Taiwan beer at China Square to loosen us up. I say this only because while it may have added to the fun we had, it was also detriment because I actually had to pick a time when I could go pee! Let me tell you, this movie is action and suspense packed. I know it's hip to hate Tom Cruise but he really is a movie star in the very sense of the word. Add to that an incredible supporting cast and the fact that Brad Bird of Incredibles fame was behind the scenes and there is really no way this movie could go wrong. I think some of the story is obviously slightly far fetched but who goes to a movie like this for credibility? I prefer to go and see stupendous stunt sequences only to find myself laughing at how close to the edge of my seat and/or jumping out of my own skin I come. Excellent holiday movie. I totally recommend it and endorse EW's A rating. As an added bonus, the Swedish Mikael Blomkvist is the bad guy!

Speaking of Mikael Blomkvist, we decided to take advantage of having today off and took in the matinee of the American version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You may recall when I devoured both the book trilogy and the three Swedish movies in a matter of three week's time. I thought maybe seeing this version might be overkill but all this hype about Rooney Mara taking over the role of Lisbeth Salander (EW is particularly guilty of this) piqued my interest. Add to the fact that Se7en director David Fincher was at the helm and that was really a game changer for me. There is a lot of shit talking about cocky Americans feeling the need to improve upon the Swedish film as if there is no room for improvement. We're talking about a book that is on the cusp of being 600 pages. Seems to me there is a very good chance that two movies can have completely separate ways to tell such an epic tale. My feelings were officially validated after seeing the movie. I'm not sure if it was the casting or the locale or maybe Fincher was allotted a bigger budget, but I felt his movie nailed it. The opening sequence alone was well worth my $6.75 admission. Mara's hype is well-earned. If you had the opportunity to see this beauty in her small Social Network role where she breaks up with Zuckerberg and compared it to her role as Salander, you would never know it was the same actress. Just a fair warning to those who have not had the pleasure of reading the book or seeing the other movies: this is a GRAPHIC movie that is often quite hard to watch.
So how about it? We're two for two in the movie theater! I recommend either one wholeheartedly. Do I sense a comeback?