WARNING - Sad Shit Ahead

I guess it's Thursday and it should be Tummy Thursday and all that's on my mind right now is the miscarriage and that like 5 of my friends - be they on facebook or real life - have announced they are pregnant since my miscarriage. Phew. That was a run-on if ever I've written one. I am going to just lay this out here because I am hoping it will help me come to terms with some things. This online journal is the only journal I keep for myself and thus you must suffer the sad along with me.

December 15th was my last Tummy Thursday update and I had been spotting. I called the doctor's office and they told me it was normal but if it continued or got worse I had to call them. On Friday, the spotting was definitely not just spotting anymore but it wasn't enough blood to necessitate a tampon or a pad, per se. I called the doctor at 10 a.m. and was told to come right in. After a look inside me, the doctor confirmed I was bleeding and told me that I should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He said he was sending me for an emergency ultrasound and that if we heard a heart beat things were fine. If not, we'd have to have an emergency D&C (They don't do elective surgery on the weekends. Ha. Elective. Like I had a choice).

By noon I was having my ultrasound (both internal and external) and there was no sound at all. The tech was all business and said that this was not an audio ultrasound. She wouldn't tell me what she saw as the radiologist was the only one that could do that. The silence was killing me. I wept because deep down inside, I knew things were not right. After a bit of a wait in the lobby, the radiologist confirmed that there was no heartbeat. He said "the baby has passed." I wept again. I knew we had to go back to the doctor but I would have given anything to just go home and hug my son and pretend that none of this was happening.

By 4pm, I was getting ready for a D&C. Husband had to leave me alone to make sure Casey was taken care of. It's the first time I've ever gone for any procedure alone. Just me and the nurses chatting it up. Getting asked a million questions while being prodded with an IV and having monitors taped to me. One minute I was awake in one room, the next I was awake in recovery. It was a very fast procedure and I was home by 8pm no worse for the wear. Everyone at the hospital was so kind and I tried to be as invisible as possible.

The thing about this pregnancy is that I never felt pregnant. I mean, there were some symptoms but I just never believed it was really happening. I didn't even panic when we didn't hear the heartbeat when the doc ran that little microphone over me. Just as I was getting comfortable with the idea of being pregnant, I got slapped in the face with this miscarriage. Mostly, I just can't stop thinking about it all. Did I get pregnant again because I wanted to or because it was the thing I was sort of "expected" to do? Am I more disappointed that I had a miscarriage or that I have to tell everyone I had one? Was I sad about the baby dying or that I knew we had to do all the stuff that goes along with it like the D&C?

Another thing that comes along with having just miscarried is that you hear the stories about women who have had that happen to them multiple times. Am I the kind of person that can just keep trying? I have had three pregnancies. One was an abortion, one was Casey and one was the miscarriage. How many more times do I want to do that to my body? How can you psychologically go through more than one loss? I simply can't wrap my head around it. I also have the people that tell me I'm young and can just get pregnant again, like it's nothing more than getting a new pair of shoes when your other shoes no longer look so nice. It's just crazy.

I prefer to think that things happen for a reason. Though I'm not entirely convinced there is a God, I do believe in a higher power and I think that said power was maybe just looking out for me. Husband still doesn't live with us full-time. It's probably not a great idea to have another baby and have him unemployed or what have you. I also have zero patience with Casey, why I am I adding to that? Does another baby deserve that? And when you really break it down, I'm not exactly crazy about pregnancy and had sort of a nightmare recovery after Casey was born. My postpartum depression could have cost me my marriage had Husband been a lesser man.

As of right now, all I want to do is sell every baby item I have saved under the impression I would have another one. I have zero desire to try again. I'm quite content with the little boy my son is growing into. I don't know why so many people insist that only-children deserve more. I know plenty of people without siblings that turned out just fine. There's a part of me that just wants my life to carry on as usual. I'd like to start dating my husband. I'd like to travel. I think of how much easier my life would be with only one child and how much more cost effective as well.

I'm not disappointed that I don't have to turn my spare room into a baby's room. I'm not sad about not having sleepless nights ahead of me again or breastfeeding constantly. Or making my boobs stop lactating for that matter. It's kind of nice to think that I won't need to buy Pampers for another three years. I know these things sound silly to you and that you might be thinking it's the sad talking but I'm really as coherent as I have ever felt. I don't feel sad, really. Only occasionally. Mostly, I'm just trying to plan for my future now that it has been reset.

Anyway, I just wanted to jot these things down. I'm going to take a deep breath and just keep on keeping on. I hope soon I don't have to tell any more people that I've had a miscarriage and that everyone will just know on their own. It's time to start thinking about what I want to do next like dieting and saving money and working on the house. I want to remember to be my husband's wife in addition to being my son's mother. I also want to take some time to just be Randi.


Gen said...

Damn you from bringing tears to my eyes.

You sound like you have your mind made up and really, it is no one's business but yours and the Husband.

Sometimes I wonder if I even want to try. Deep down inside, I secretly love that I can pick up and go wherever I want, whenever I want. But there's also a part of me that longs to be a mom.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you don't have to keep saying it over and over. Eventually people will know.

Let me know when you're ready to hit the streets for some walking!

212degreedesigns said...

damn you indeed... that I'm not closer so that I might have helped in some way. All three of you are in my thoughts and heart. All the time.

Coodence said...

Beautifully said, dude.

Jessica said...

I admire you for writing this and for owning your feelings. I've never been where you are but I do know those feeling you are having about adding a second child to the mix. Like you said, everything happens for a reason. Hopefully the reason for this will be evident sooner rather than later.

libelletage.com said...

I'm glad that the sad things that can happen in life can also give us a moment of clarity at times. That is not to say I am glad you had to go through, not at all. I wish for you all the best in the new year.