Crazy Stupid Love What a freakin' great movie! My third one this week *** Emma Stone - so cute Ryan Gosling - a hottie Steve Carell - awesome *** Julianne Moore though? I find her unlikable In all her movies
I guess it's Thursday and it should be Tummy Thursday and all that's on my mind right now is the miscarriage and that like 5 of my friends - be they on facebook or real life - have announced they are pregnant since my miscarriage. Phew. That was a run-on if ever I've written one. I am going to just lay this out here because I am hoping it will help me come to terms with some things. This online journal is the only journal I keep for myself and thus you must suffer the sad along with me.
December 15th was my last Tummy Thursday update and I had been spotting. I called the doctor's office and they told me it was normal but if it continued or got worse I had to call them. On Friday, the spotting was definitely not just spotting anymore but it wasn't enough blood to necessitate a tampon or a pad, per se. I called the doctor at 10 a.m. and was told to come right in. After a look inside me, the doctor confirmed I was bleeding and told me that I should hope for the best but prepare for the worst. He said he was sending me for an emergency ultrasound and that if we heard a heart beat things were fine. If not, we'd have to have an emergency D&C (They don't do elective surgery on the weekends. Ha. Elective. Like I had a choice).
By noon I was having my ultrasound (both internal and external) and there was no sound at all. The tech was all business and said that this was not an audio ultrasound. She wouldn't tell me what she saw as the radiologist was the only one that could do that. The silence was killing me. I wept because deep down inside, I knew things were not right. After a bit of a wait in the lobby, the radiologist confirmed that there was no heartbeat. He said "the baby has passed." I wept again. I knew we had to go back to the doctor but I would have given anything to just go home and hug my son and pretend that none of this was happening.
By 4pm, I was getting ready for a D&C. Husband had to leave me alone to make sure Casey was taken care of. It's the first time I've ever gone for any procedure alone. Just me and the nurses chatting it up. Getting asked a million questions while being prodded with an IV and having monitors taped to me. One minute I was awake in one room, the next I was awake in recovery. It was a very fast procedure and I was home by 8pm no worse for the wear. Everyone at the hospital was so kind and I tried to be as invisible as possible.
The thing about this pregnancy is that I never felt pregnant. I mean, there were some symptoms but I just never believed it was really happening. I didn't even panic when we didn't hear the heartbeat when the doc ran that little microphone over me. Just as I was getting comfortable with the idea of being pregnant, I got slapped in the face with this miscarriage. Mostly, I just can't stop thinking about it all. Did I get pregnant again because I wanted to or because it was the thing I was sort of "expected" to do? Am I more disappointed that I had a miscarriage or that I have to tell everyone I had one? Was I sad about the baby dying or that I knew we had to do all the stuff that goes along with it like the D&C?
Another thing that comes along with having just miscarried is that you hear the stories about women who have had that happen to them multiple times. Am I the kind of person that can just keep trying? I have had three pregnancies. One was an abortion, one was Casey and one was the miscarriage. How many more times do I want to do that to my body? How can you psychologically go through more than one loss? I simply can't wrap my head around it. I also have the people that tell me I'm young and can just get pregnant again, like it's nothing more than getting a new pair of shoes when your other shoes no longer look so nice. It's just crazy.
I prefer to think that things happen for a reason. Though I'm not entirely convinced there is a God, I do believe in a higher power and I think that said power was maybe just looking out for me. Husband still doesn't live with us full-time. It's probably not a great idea to have another baby and have him unemployed or what have you. I also have zero patience with Casey, why I am I adding to that? Does another baby deserve that? And when you really break it down, I'm not exactly crazy about pregnancy and had sort of a nightmare recovery after Casey was born. My postpartum depression could have cost me my marriage had Husband been a lesser man.
As of right now, all I want to do is sell every baby item I have saved under the impression I would have another one. I have zero desire to try again. I'm quite content with the little boy my son is growing into. I don't know why so many people insist that only-children deserve more. I know plenty of people without siblings that turned out just fine. There's a part of me that just wants my life to carry on as usual. I'd like to start dating my husband. I'd like to travel. I think of how much easier my life would be with only one child and how much more cost effective as well.
I'm not disappointed that I don't have to turn my spare room into a baby's room. I'm not sad about not having sleepless nights ahead of me again or breastfeeding constantly. Or making my boobs stop lactating for that matter. It's kind of nice to think that I won't need to buy Pampers for another three years. I know these things sound silly to you and that you might be thinking it's the sad talking but I'm really as coherent as I have ever felt. I don't feel sad, really. Only occasionally. Mostly, I'm just trying to plan for my future now that it has been reset.
Anyway, I just wanted to jot these things down. I'm going to take a deep breath and just keep on keeping on. I hope soon I don't have to tell any more people that I've had a miscarriage and that everyone will just know on their own. It's time to start thinking about what I want to do next like dieting and saving money and working on the house. I want to remember to be my husband's wife in addition to being my son's mother. I also want to take some time to just be Randi.
Boy do I love seeing that little red envelope in the mail that has a very special DVD just for me. Getting around to actually watching the DVD presents itself as a challenge though. I can't seem to stay awake at night and have a hard time really focusing on movies I want to really focus on. So after a two-night viewing, we finished up The King's Speech last night. What a fantastic film filled to the brim with fantastic actors. I cannot praise Colin Firth appropriately with words. He's simply brilliant. It pained me to see him stammer his way through this film and at the end I felt like bursting into a round of applause for him. It was also wonderful to see Helena Bonham Carter step away from her standard unusual fair and present herself as a supportive wife, mother and queen. You could literally see the pain behind her eyes as she watched her husband struggle with his speech impediment. Brilliant. And, for the record, if history was presented to me like this in High School, I may know much more than I do now. For those of you who read this blog and think that I'm extra hard on movies that are simply mediocre, this is why. Movies should make you feel something inside whether they are stupidly moronic like Step Brothers or Tommy Boy or if they are gut-wrenching and sad like A Beautiful Life or The King's Speech. I feel passionately that you should step away from a film either with your cheeks in pain from smiling or your eyes a bloody mess from weeping. That is why I review the movies the way I do. Perhaps I'm too emotionally entwined in them but I want a film to transport me from reality and I want to enjoy my time there, be it a 90-minute visit or a 2-hour plus stay.
While in Michigan, we had high hopes that Casey would stay with his grandparents and we would be able to go to a movie every day. Unfortunately, Casey turned into the devil in Michigan and I didn't dare leave my in-laws with a monster. We ended up watching The Social Network on cable, though, and it was quite good. I have mixed emotions about Jesse Eisenberg. Something about his face or the way he talks. I find it distracting. However, as an actor in this film, I thought he was quite believable as a brilliant nerd who was not exactly likable. The movie itself was a bit long and a bit chatty but I totally recommend it. I'm addicted to Facebook. It's no secret. It was fascinating to see the steps that made it came about. How the word "Facebook" itself has become a noun and a verb. After watching The Social Network, it seemed like I heard more and more people on the street talking about how they didn't want such and such to end up on Facebook. In a store in Frankenmuth, there was a shirt that says "What happens tonight ends up on Facebook tomorrow." It's such a cultural movement, woven deeply into our every day lives. This movie really made me think about what that means. Facebook isn't just a website, it's a way of life for goodness sake. Just on a personal side note, I remember waiting until Husband said it was ok to tell Facebook we were expecting again. Just the random pregnancy posts and whatnot. It's so strange to me that I can't - that I won't - tell Facebook we miscarried... that there's a stigma to it. Something so taboo that I'm practically depending on posts about beer drinking to sort of relay the hint that I'm no longer pregnant. Yet just the other day, a friend of mine took to his wall to tell his friends that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Truly something to ponder, eh?
12 weeks today. Fetus is the size of a lime. I wear stretch pants now. Finally succumbed and bought a pair of maternity jeans. My friend Cindy just popped and I'm waiting for her maternity clothes so I don't want to indulge too much in the purchasing of more. I'm frugal.
I tried to schedule an appointment for the first trimester screening for Down's but it turns out the one appointment they had where the timing was right is the week that we're in Michigan so the fates made the decision for us. I sort of didn't want to do it anyway and now I can't so there you have it. We have the second trimester screening on January 25th where they will do a blood draw and a sonogram and we should be able to see if Segundo is a boy or a girl.
As much as Husband is convinced he can't put a girl in me, I kind of am leaning in that direction. I don't feel at all like I felt with Casey. Right around this time with him, I was puking my guts out at least three times a day whereas currently I want to devour anything and everything that crosses my path.
So far I have had only one concern and that is with DISCHARGE. I may as well just be bold about it. Apparently it's normal but I don't recall this with my first pregnancy. I had a tummy ache the other day and when I went potty a sort of dark looking clump was in the potty that may or may not have looked like old blood. Yuck. The tummy ache was just because I had to poop so I'm not super worried but yeah... the body does some tricky shit when you're preggo.
Naturally, before the movie even hit theaters, I had already purchased The Muppets original soundtrack. It's got some groovy tunes on there and I'm totally obsessed so it is what it is. What I didn't realize was that my obsession was contagious. We have this room that is dedicated to music books and DVDs. It's known as the study or the library or the bar. It's the room of requirements, if you will. When we want to listen to a CD, we sit in there and play. Casey grew quite fond of the Muppet soundtrack almost instantly. I normally wouldn't do this, but I gave him the booklet that goes inside the jewel case. He will sit there for sometimes a half hour straight, quietly thumbing through the dozen or so pages that have pictures of the Muppets and the lyrics to the song. If we're not in the room and he wants to go there, he'll grunt and point and do a little movement that is his equivalent of dancing to gesture that it is time to go into the room of requirements and throw on the CD. This has become a daily, sometimes twice daily, occurrence. He lives for it. I mean, how stoked am I that the kid loves the Muppets? He watches the old TV show on DVD, the old movies, he has dolls of Gonzo, Fozzie, Kermit and Animal. All he wants to do is look at pictures of Muppets. It's incredible! And here comes the inevitable "but". But, every time Muppet time is over, Casey throws a temper tantrum. He cries real tears and he cries them for quite a while. On Monday when we had to put away the CD so mama could go to work and he could go to the sitter, he even did that thing where kiddos go limp and throw themselves and ended up busting his lip on my knee cap.
MORAL OF THAT STORY: Man. I thought I loved the Muppets...
When Netflix jacked up their prices, we opted to keep the streaming movies on our PlayStation. After a while, though, we realized we missed the DVDs and the choices on the streaming are quite limited. Our first week back on the DVDs we got Hall Pass and The King's Speech. Since I didn't want to have to pay too much attention to the DVD and really want to enjoy The King's Speech, we opted to put in Hall Pass. Hindsight being 20/20, I guess I would have wanted to know that Rotten Tomatoes gave this movie a 35% out of 165 reviews. That's not a good sign. When I put this on our queue it was because of the line in the trailer: How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. It was Jason Sudeikis' pick up line and he's a funny guy. So are Owen Wilson, Pam from The Office and Christina Applegate. Plus the Farrelly Brothers are supposedly quite comedic. How did this movie go so horribly awry? How does a movie make me dislike Pam from The Office? Inconceivable! This movie is about a couple of wives who give their husbands a week off of marriage so they can see that the good ol' days aren't really as good as they remembered. I guess. I don't know. It was godawful. I laughed twice? Maybe? And that's being generous. Even the gratuitous toilet humor was so crass it wasn't funny. So we sit through this whole shitty movie just on principle and it just kept on sucking. I even sat through the credits for a bit with Husband because he couldn't believe the movie was written by the Farrelly Brothers and needed to see it with his own eyes. Naturally, we're treated to one last "extra" snippet that includes male on male anal rape. Yeah. Sums it up quite nicely.
Three years ago, Husband (who was then just my fiance) came with me to the first of our holiday Christmas parties together. We went to the Aloha Steakhouse in Ventura, a pretty nice spot just stone's throw from the pier and next door to the hotel where they filmed the final pageant in Little Miss Sunshine. While we were there, a drunk former co-worker got a little mouthy about what Husband and I would be doing for a honeymoon which led to Husband coming thisclose to asking said co-worker to take it outside. Good times. This year, the company dinner was at the same restaurant. The spot is pretty well-known for having a problem with vagrants hanging around, causing trouble and panhandling. On the way into the restaurant, we skipped the stroll we wanted to take because there were people asking me for money. During dinner, we could hear a dog barking and a group of young ruffians in a kerfuffle. Husband sort of stood up like he was going to go and break things up but I stopped him. At about the same time, one of them got knocked the fuck out and hit the concrete like a ton of bricks. When the attackers fled the scene, Husband and a couple other people in our group went outside to tend to the unconscious young man on the ground. I should probably mention that Husband was a Navy medic so he really can't help himself. It would go against everything he stands for if he didn't help out. Well help he did and he ended up getting repaid by getting that dude's piss on him. I guess when you're k.o.'d you lose control of the ol' bladder. The police and the ambulance came and Husband's job there was done so he came in and we enjoyed the rest of our party. On the way out of the restaurant, we were detoured because of a homeless woman sleeping in the doorway to the parking garage. I thought it would be tacky if I climbed over her. When we went the long way around, we got to go through Hobo Junction once again. A clearly inebriated old beggar asked me for a quarter but I declined. Then he figured he had nothing left to lose so he asked for a dollar. No, thank you. So I got the gift of being called a "fucking bitch" and Husband had to use all his willpower not to punch that dude in the face. All in all, a very festive holiday dinner that really drove home the spirit of Christmas. Amen.
Only 9 more days Until we fly. Michigan! I dread the flight, folks *** Long day of travel With a rambunctious wee one And TWICE! In one week! *** The stay will be nice Snowy Winter Wonderland Husband's great family
I'm 11 weeks today and the fetus is the size of a fig. I had an OBGYN visit this morning but it's still too soon to hear the heart beat. I've already gained 4 pounds in the month since I was last there. It's because this pregnancy, I am starving. All the time. I want to eat everything I see and then some. With it being the holidays, there are sweets and treats all over my office at all times. I have no will power. I'm going to have to find it soon, though, or I'm going to find myself weighing 250 pounds when I give birth again. She's a brick house, ladies and germs.
On another note, my sister-in-law had to give up dairy to breastfeed and I'm thinking I might try to jump on that band wagon after the baby is born, too. I don't want to do it now because I think it's important to get all the nutrients I can now while the fetus is baking. After the first of the year (because dieting during the holidays is a joke) I'm thinking of cutting way back on a lot of stuff and trying to go very raw oriented. More fruits and veggies than carbs. Ease up on the meat and dairy. Not only for my weight, but my health as well. Bitch has high cholesterol, you know. And when I was full o' Casey, my blood pressure was redonk.
On a final note, the Doc was asking if I wanted to do the screening and/or amniocentesis for Down's and I just don't think so this time. I guess the odds of me having a baby with Down's is 250/100 at my age. I just figure the baby will be born when I'm 35 but I'm baking it when I'm 34 so I don't want to worry. I also wouldn't abort the baby or give it up for adoption if it did have Down's so what's the point. Any thoughts on this, women out there? Drop me a comment.
I'm 10 weeks pregnant A quarter of the way through Fetus size? Kumquat *** No morning sickness But I'm already showing And eating for two *** I know I shouldn't But I'm totally starving All the freaking time.