This used to be a place where I'd come and do some sort of sexualized meme but for today it is where I will share some soul-baring bullshit. Strap yourselves in, it's going to be a bumpy ride. When I was in high school, I had a friend named M. She was a little on the butch side and played soccer. She was very funny and random and shared a love of Muppets. I genuinely considered her one of my closest girlfriends. She used to come over to my house and I always gave her back rubs and made her popcorn after soccer practice. I know where your mind is going right about now, but I was a junior in high school and went to a Catholic school my whole life. I was totally naive about homosexuality aside from whatever experiences I had with my uncle and his "roommates." Ok? For me, she was just a friend.
Then, she started writing me some really romantic sounding notes and it started to get a little weird. She was part of my circle of friends so I didn't make too big of a deal about it but I definitely was getting a vibe from her. Once, she got super mad at me in my bedroom with my parents downstairs and kind of attacked me? Yeah. My dad had to ask her to leave. Once, I was babysitting BFF's doggies while her family was away and when I came outside she was sitting there waiting for me with a mix tape of some R&B songs she made for me. That seemed more like something you'd do for a boyfriend (and seemed a bit like she was following and/or stalking me) and I'd be lying if I said shit wasn't starting to get real awkward.
Once, she spent the night at my folks' house while they were out of town. It was a bunch of us girls and we were drinking and she wanted to sleep in my parents' bed with me but I wouldn't let her and so she slept in the doorway of their room. She also wouldn't stop fucking with me one morning and our friend Walter leaped over and tackled her like she was a dude. The last straw, though, was when we were spending the night at a mutual friend's house after graduation. We had all been drinking (our parents let us do that shit and it was not a big deal because no one was driving so don't judge) and we all slept in the same room. In the middle of the night I felt a hand rubbing my midsection and just under my boobs. Yeah. It was her. I leaped out of bed and locked myself in the bathroom and bolted as soon as I could, leaving her far behind.
I didn't talk to her for years and years after that and all was good in the world. Then, being the forgiving and eternally optimistic person I am, I allowed her back into my life briefly about three years ago though I can't recall the reason why. Shortly after we had started talking again on the phone, she sent flowers to me at my office. Gerber daisies. My favorite. Then she sent me a quite pricey Dodgers pullover. Shortly thereafter, she said she was sending me a plane ticket so I could go visit her in Florida. I accepted the other gifts sort of unwillingly prior to that but this made me put my foot down. I told her she was being inappropriate and immediately cut off contact once again.
This past Sunday I get a text from a number I don't recognize saying something about how tragedies like 9/11 shouldn't be the reason we tell people how we feel about them but "I love you and am glad you are a part of my life." Something like that. I replied "Thank you for the sentiment, I'm not sure who this is as you are not in my contacts." The response read something like "If this is still Randi, this is M, also known as Voldemort. You still cross my mind." She knows she is someone who must not be named. She knew she shouldn't have texted me; I know that. What I don't know is that why I'm still on her mind. Why can't she let a sleeping dog lie? Husband wanted me to send her a message that he didn't want her talking to me but I just let it go. I deleted the text and didn't respond and never intend to. There is nothing worse than that kind of blast from the past. I can't escape that shit. Any of my actual exes I would be fine talking with, and the fact that I refer to her in the same category as an ex pretty much makes me want to throw up in my mouth. There. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.