I got my hair trimmed last night so I wouldn't look like I have a mullet for Crusty's boda. Afterward, I went over to her folks' house and saw her dress and how skinny she is and the beautiful shade of auburn her hair is now. What a bride she will make, friends! Anywho, apparently my insecurities about being a fat matron crept over into my dreams because this is what went down in Slumber Town last night:
  • I had the most complicated dress in the history of dresses. It had at least three pieces to it and I had to try several times to get into it.
  • My dress was straight and tight and I could barely walk in it. Thus, my strappy shoes were literally rubbing together as I tried to walk and kept getting tangled into one another.
  • All of Crusty's old college roommates decided they wanted to be in the wedding, too, so they all became last minute bridesmaids and we all had very different dresses on.
  • Crusty's veil was this animatronic number with a Sesame Street theme (like, puppets attached) that actually sang the Sesame Street song while she wore it.
  • The wedding was being held in what was basically a dirty ol' Moose Lodge.
  • The "choir" started singing Christmas carols instead of the Wedding March.
  • Crusty was blonde so I knew it wasn't real.
Right? What the hell? I guess I have wedding on the brain. My dress should be ready to be picked up from the dry cleaners this afternoon and I get to try it on with my new Spanx undergarments. I tried on the actual girdle last night and dear Lord that sucker is tight. When I rolled it off, my panties came off with it. I will say the bra-llelujah is the most comfortable and nice fitting bra I have ever worn even if it is not attractive in the least. And, Spanx? If you're listening, maybe a more discreet packaging is in order when you ship your undergarments. I don't think my office needed to see SPANX in bold print splattered on the side of your box. Ordering a girdle should be more subtle... like ordering a dildo. Plain, unmarked boxes, people.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: I apparently need to lay off the methamphetamines before bedtime.


April said...

The boss' wife ordered some Spanx online. How did we know? She had it delivered to the office. Thankfully we're all women.

And wow, what a crazy dream! I think the Sesame Street part was the most hilarious.

Andrea said...

I think that if I ever do get married again (laugh snort choke) I want it to be at the Moose and I want that animatronic Sesame Street veil!! And we'll all wear nothing BUT Spanx. So there.

A Spanx only affair.