9.28.2011

Matronzilla?

I got my hair trimmed last night so I wouldn't look like I have a mullet for Crusty's boda. Afterward, I went over to her folks' house and saw her dress and how skinny she is and the beautiful shade of auburn her hair is now. What a bride she will make, friends! Anywho, apparently my insecurities about being a fat matron crept over into my dreams because this is what went down in Slumber Town last night:
  • I had the most complicated dress in the history of dresses. It had at least three pieces to it and I had to try several times to get into it.
  • My dress was straight and tight and I could barely walk in it. Thus, my strappy shoes were literally rubbing together as I tried to walk and kept getting tangled into one another.
  • All of Crusty's old college roommates decided they wanted to be in the wedding, too, so they all became last minute bridesmaids and we all had very different dresses on.
  • Crusty's veil was this animatronic number with a Sesame Street theme (like, puppets attached) that actually sang the Sesame Street song while she wore it.
  • The wedding was being held in what was basically a dirty ol' Moose Lodge.
  • The "choir" started singing Christmas carols instead of the Wedding March.
  • Crusty was blonde so I knew it wasn't real.
Right? What the hell? I guess I have wedding on the brain. My dress should be ready to be picked up from the dry cleaners this afternoon and I get to try it on with my new Spanx undergarments. I tried on the actual girdle last night and dear Lord that sucker is tight. When I rolled it off, my panties came off with it. I will say the bra-llelujah is the most comfortable and nice fitting bra I have ever worn even if it is not attractive in the least. And, Spanx? If you're listening, maybe a more discreet packaging is in order when you ship your undergarments. I don't think my office needed to see SPANX in bold print splattered on the side of your box. Ordering a girdle should be more subtle... like ordering a dildo. Plain, unmarked boxes, people.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: I apparently need to lay off the methamphetamines before bedtime.

2 comments:

April said...

The boss' wife ordered some Spanx online. How did we know? She had it delivered to the office. Thankfully we're all women.

And wow, what a crazy dream! I think the Sesame Street part was the most hilarious.

Andrea said...

I think that if I ever do get married again (laugh snort choke) I want it to be at the Moose and I want that animatronic Sesame Street veil!! And we'll all wear nothing BUT Spanx. So there.

A Spanx only affair.