A Series of Unfortunate Events

Have I told you about the asthmatic pigeons that live in the archway in between the windows of my room and Casey's room? Yeah. They don't coo or make pretty bird sounds. They wheeze and hack and grunt and groan. They're awful and we've been trying to get rid of them since we moved in almost three years ago; not only because of the sound but because they shit all over our place. The landlord put spikes on the arches to discourage them from sitting there but the damn things made their nest their anyway. See? All that poop buildup is just an added bonus.

That's basically the scene to the left outside my son's window. Every morning when I hear those winged beasts of death moaning, I bang on the window and they fly away. Well on Monday morning I did that and the glass shattered, apparently either weakened by the repeated banging or overcome by my immense strength. See?

Yeah. I did that. And my pinkie paid for it. See?

It's always nice to start a Monday off by making hamburger out of your fingers. I told my landlord about the incident and they didn't really say I had to pay for the window myself but they didn't say they were paying for it either. Later I found out that they weren't going to and Husband called and threatened to report them to the health department because that fecal matter all over our home is sort of in violation. Vermin. At lunch time I went home and spent 2 hours waiting for the window repair guy to fix the window. During that time I started to get pretty heated and I sent off pictures of pigeon poop and this one of the bad window along with the letter below:

I thought I would attach these pictures of your decomposing windows and the pigeon fecal matter outside my 6-month old baby's window. Nice isn't it? Not only that, but I have an injury on my finger thanks to the cheap glass that was as old as the building that happened to shatter when I tapped on the window to scare away said pigeons. If you'd like to see a picture of that, let me know and I can forward that as well. I find it appalling to know that I pay $100 more a month than all 3 of the other tenants in this building and am still being held financially responsible for the replacement of a faulty window. I have never in all my life put my hand through a window at any other time so I'm positive I did not develop extraordinary strength. This building - currently attempting to be sold by you - has a termite problem as well. The garage door is practically falling apart and I wouldn't be surprised if the termites haven't gotten to the furniture we have stored out there. The paint in the upstairs bathroom is peeling and I'm pretty sure there is mold growing around our window because there is no ventilation in the bathroom unless we have that window open. Our carpets are in terrible condition and no matter how frequently I vacuum - often more than once a week - they are still as stained and torn as the day I moved in here. I won't even begin to comment on the linoleum in the kitchen. We have a bathroom faucet on our kitchen sink for goodness sakes! The screens have holes in them and our mini blinds are in terrible condition. In other words, this building is in dire need of repair. In the close to three years we have been tenants here, I have hardly contacted you on issues aside from the termites, the pigeons and the disintegration of another faulty window a few months ago. It would have been a nice gesture on behalf of your property management team to extend an offer to replace the window that shattered this morning. Instead, money is coming out of my own pocket to repair it and I'm being deducted time out of the office to handle it myself. I can only say that the end of June can't come fast enough so we can vacate this apartment and leave you with the extensive repairs that should have been done long before you took over this property for (name withheld). It would be greatly appreciated if someone could contact me immediately.

I had been calling all morning and got no real response or resolution. I sent off that email and they called me within seconds. They were at my apartment less than 5 minutes after that call ended to do a property inspection and offered to take care of the cost of the window. The landlord said "You like to express yourself in writing don't you?" to which I responded "Yes because then I have documentation" which I think is code for "I could sue your ass."

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Charlie Sheen ain't got nothing on this sleep-deprived, hormonal mother of a letter writer when it comes to crazy... but it gets the job done! So does the Friday full court press that Husband and I put on the rental agency. Go Team!


April said...

Good for you for speaking up in writing. I wouldn't want to live in pigeon shit either. Assholes. I hope you're able to move by June.

Coodence said...

Good story.

"...not only because of the sound but because they shit all over our place."

Sort of reminds me of:

"Did that bird just shit on my face?!"

Sassy said...

A good solid letter usually gets more attention doesn't it.
Well written too :)

Hope your finger is feeling better!