Back on the Zac

Lately, I have been less than pleasant in demeanor. At work I spend 8 hours of my day feeling irritated for the most part. I spend all week missing my husband and then he gets home and I'm easily irritated with him. I get so angry with the way people drive that twice in the past week I have verbally confronted people for cutting me off. This sort of behavior is not good for me and considering the world we live in, could potentially be dangerous. I should be able to suppress some of these feelings and just write them off but I've been unable to. I obsess about them just like I obsess about the balance of our checking account and budgeting and bills. I obsess about what will happen with my grandparents, buying a house, moving, going to Michigan twice this year, and the list goes on and on. The key words here should be "obsess" and "fester."
I'm sure most of you know this already, but Husband lives down in San Diego for work and that means I get to play single mom usually 4 or 5 days a week. That in addition to the aforementioned worries has meant a great deal of stress lately. I work full-time then dive right into mom mode until we both fall asleep. I then get to wake up with Casey throughout the night, wake up super early with him each morning and dive back into mom mode until I go back to work again. It's a vicious cycle but I've gotten pretty good at mastering it. Thank the maker I have an easy baby. On the weekends I get to be in mom and wife mode simultaneously and this leaves basically no "me time" when I can just be in Randi mode. Weekends and evenings are full of errand running and family obligations and chores... It's just gotten to be too much and frankly I'd like my life to be more "fun" than it currently is.
In November of 2009 I stopped using Prozac (which I was using to treat depression) and this week I made the decision to go back on it. I started last night with a 20 mg dose and I am hoping that this will alleviate some of my obsessive tendencies. Since I don't see my living situation changing before June, I may as well alter the way my body processes it. I told my doctor all the things I just wrote in the first two paragraphs of this blog post and he seems to agree with me that going back on medication is the right decision. I don't know, I feel like I am admitting defeat being dependent up meds. However, when I shared that thought with Bossman he said "If it works then it's victory, not defeat, silly girl!" I guess I'll just hang my hat on that for now.


April said...

Bossman is right. It IS hard to deal with all of that. Think about it, you've spent the majority of your life being Randi. Not mom or wife Randi, just Randi.

Every single aspect of your life has changed over the past couple of years. For some people, it's a little more difficult to adjust and fit into those changes. And that's OK.

It is truly a good thing that you're able to recognize you're having a hard time and asking for help. That's not defeat, it's self-awareness. Some people can be oblivious to that. Instead of noticing what's going on with them, they blame it on everyone else. I seriously applaud you.

Coodence said...

What a smart cookie that April is.

Congrats, dude. Hard decisions are never easy. What kind of bullshit saying did I just write right there? Fuck.

Lurker Girl said...

Zoloft became my salvation about a year ago. I was stressed, crazied, frenzied, ready to lose my freaking mind at times--I went to my Dr and she told me that asking for help is the hardest part.

I hated the thought of relying on a pill to help stabilize me, but thank the Gods that I stuck with it--I'm happier, more relaxed and just a better person in general.

I even got to a point where I stupidly thought I didn't need the pills anymore and considered going off them--but then, I had a minor surgery that REQUIRED me to go off the pills for about 3 weeks.

Back to crazy land I went--and it happened FAST! So I will happily take my little pill everyday to keep the tranquility in my life. Don't think you "gave in" or failed--sometimes doing what we have to makes for a better wife and mommy--and what is better than that???