Happy Birthday, The Cat
Dear The Cat,
The vet made today your birthday. How about that? It's too bad you don't have a real birthday or a real name. I really don't know that much about you. All I know is someone else didn't want you so I took you home. And you scratched the shit out of me. And you tried to run away a bunch of times. You're a lot better now and I'm proud of you for staying in the yard and not fucking me up any more. Your dad and I like to call you The Fat and Jabba the Cat and other mean names because you are obese. And sometimes you fall off the table and make us laugh. And we really like it when you throw down with Kiyah.
Anyway, I didn't think I loved you but I do.
Your mom (LOL?)