End of October Haiku Friday

Kings hockey last night
Overtime and a shoot out
Too bad they still lost
Woke up all stuffy
Sneezy, achy, exhausted
Then I called in sick
Next: pumpkin carving
Stocking up on candy, too
For Trick or Treaters

Happy Halloween!


Almost Halloween!

Cute nephew quote of the month:
(after hanging streamers for his Spongebob birthday party)

Uncle B: With these leftover streamers I can make you a mummy!
Nephew: No, make me a daddy.

Uncle Brad



Ever since the Shia LeBeouf digital short "Dear Sister" on SNL I have loved the chorus of Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek (2:54 mark). Now I'm hooked on this terrible R&B/rap son by Jason Derulo. So I'm sharing it with you. I'm good like that.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: This blog is really going to hell in a hand basket.


TMI Tuesday

1.) What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a.) be late
b.) have poor hygiene or dress like a dirty hipster - one in the same
c.) not act like a gentleman (i.e. open doors, offer to pay, not be a self-absorbed prick)

2) Pick an animal that best displays your personality.
I would say a dog. I love to sleep and eat and go for long walks. I'm very affectionate, too, but if you get too close to my stuff or my loved ones and I perceive you as a threat I'll tear your throat out with my super sharp fangs. I also have a mean bark that is as bad as my bite.

3) If your S.O. stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
If it was my husband, forever. Our relationship is not based on sex. Anyone who defines their relationship on sex alone is in for some heartache once the ol' penis stops a workin' for good which is what eventually happens to ALL men. Sorry fellas.

4) Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
Depends on the mood I would suppose. We all have our moments.

5) Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Yes! OMG I've even spent money INSIDE a store just like that! LOL

Bonus (as in optional)
: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?
Men? 100%. Women? 50%. (These percentages are not based on scientific studies but on my lame opinion alone.)

Questions from here.


Lifestyle Change Haiku Friday

The scale read two ten
"You've gained some weight, Mrs. F"
Echoes through my ears
Newlywed weight gain?
But it's so much more than that
It's time to get real
Healthy and less food
Drink water by the gallon
More and longer walks


I Bought These

Since all I do is walk my dog and I never go to they gym like I say I'm going to, I decided to buy into this sudden trend of shoes that supposedly help your muscles just by wearing them. I know. Next thing you know I'm going to buy a freakin' Thighmaster or some other piece of garbage I see on Sunday morning paid-advertising.
But back to the shoes. I saw the ads for those weird looking Skechers Shape-Ups but decided that those looked too "special." Special as in short bus. Special as in, one leg is shorter than the other so I wear Frankenstein/Spice Girl platform sneakers. No thanks.
Then Reebok came along with these EasyTones and I thought - now that looks like a normal sneaker. I'll give them a go. In the store, they felt just like standing on pillows filled with air. After a week of walking in them, I can already feel the effects in my calves, the back of my thighs and even a little bit in my butt. Wow.
I have to admit they're taking some getting used to. The backs are a little low so my socks keep getting pulled down around my heel and I don't love that. I also can't seem to gauge how tight they need to be... maybe it's the extra elevation from the air pillows. Anyway, just thought I would endorse these for those of you looking for an additional way to boost your work out if all you do is walk.


White Trash In The House!

The Devil Dog decided to eat the door the other day. I'm sure it's due to her lack of fiber intake. Probably not. She's just a spoiled little beast.

But since that bitch will not leave well enough alone (hey, that's a technical term - she's a female dog) I decided to take matters into my own hand and repair that shit (that's just an expletive):

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Duct tape really can fix anything!


Bad Week Haiku Friday

This week's for the birds
Yesterday I'm writing off
PMS week? Yes.
It's all the small things
Straw that broke the camel's back
You know how it goes
Dodgers better win
I'm getting pampered today
Turn this shit around


Movie Review Monday

Every now and then a movie comes along with a cast that seems perfect for downright hilarity. Couples Retreat seemed as such but by the end of the film, I'm not sure it lived up to my expectations. Sure, I laughed... How could you not with Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman and Jon Favreau? I also felt a little preached to. Here are four couples that decide to go on a vacation together to help one couple save their marriage. Along the way we realize at least 3/4 of them are miserable and 1/4 of them might not be as happy and functional as they thought they were. Where are the laughs in that? Basically this is a "moral of the story" kind of movie that reminds us all that we'll be happiest in our relationships if we work hard at them and remain true to ourselves. I don't think I needed comedians to teach me this lesson. I have parents for that.


Dodger Lovin' Haiku Friday

Way to rally, boys!
Sure the Cards made some errors
But you made them work
That was great baseball
Torre raised you from the dead
Now you guys are champs
Let's clinch this third game
Maybe take it all the way
World Series Winners



So, recently we were working in the yard (that will never be finished because of a naughty dog that loves to dig when she's not licking feet) and I unearthed this beast:
Grody Bug Back
I believe my exact words were "Dear GOD! Babe, come see this!"
Grody Bug Belly
So we examined this nasty little bug (what is it?) and watched him move his ugly mouth around and then since it didn't do anything to me, we let him burrow his ass back in his hole.
Grody Bug Butt

MORAL OF THAT STORY: If you're good to me, I set you free.


Airing Dirty Laundry

My dog can't hold her licker. Like, she licks everything in excess. She licks dog treats. She licks the metal underneath our couches. She licks the carpet. She licks faces, arms, legs, anything really. That tongue is always going. But her favorite thing to lick in the world? Feet. That's right. My dog has a foot fetish. If I didn't stop her, I'm pretty sure my husband would let her lick the flesh right off his foot bone. To further encourage this ridiculous behavior, my brother and his wife bought her this:
So Gross

Kiyah's Foot
That squeaky toy is at least a man's size 11 and has painted toenails. Could anything be grosser? Ew. Figures it's her favorite toy ever!


Back to the Cinema

After a lengthy hiatus that I blame mostly on Netflix, we finally made it back to the movie theater. Since it was Husband's birthday weekend (Happy actual birthday, Buzz!), he got to pick so we got to take in Zombieland at the regular retail price. Damn I dislike missing the matinee discount. Anyhoo, this is your typical shoot 'em up, zombie movie but I will say the following:

  • Emma Stone is Linday Lohan 2.0 - super cute and foxy but ditch the "S" talking because it drives Husband nuts.
  • Woody Harrelson can play the bad ass, redneck, Twinkie-obsessed psycho any time and I'm game!
  • Abigail Breslin has really grown into a lovely young woman and I liked her in this as much as I liked her in Little Miss Sunshine.
  • Again, Jesse Eisenberg? We already have Michael Cera. I just don't need you.
  • Zombies? Evil clowns? Yeah I'll scream out loud every time. I have no shame.
Finally, there is a cameo here that can't be missed and made this movie worth the price of admission. But guess what! I'm not going to tell you who it is. Hehe. I'm mean that way.


New Tattoo Haiku Friday

October's flower,
A marigold, with a bee.
On my left rib cage
Sparked a change in me
Feels like a new beginning
Or a closed chapter
I feel empowered
I want to take on the world
One day at a time


Happy Birthday, The Cat

The Cat for President

Dear The Cat,
The vet made today your birthday. How about that? It's too bad you don't have a real birthday or a real name. I really don't know that much about you. All I know is someone else didn't want you so I took you home. And you scratched the shit out of me. And you tried to run away a bunch of times. You're a lot better now and I'm proud of you for staying in the yard and not fucking me up any more. Your dad and I like to call you The Fat and Jabba the Cat and other mean names because you are obese. And sometimes you fall off the table and make us laugh. And we really like it when you throw down with Kiyah.
Anyway, I didn't think I loved you but I do.
Your mom (LOL?)