What Kind of Fuckery is This?

As I mentioned in last week's haiku, beer and I are on a break. What it boils down to is that I have been binge drinking like a college frat boy and it's starting to show in my arms, hips, thighs, ass and gut. And probably my double chin. My weight is the highest it has ever been and I think sobriety is a good way to face that issue. If you don't agree, that's fine. I just don't want to hear about it.
Anywho, that defensive bitchiness is a result of menses. My blunder. What I really came here to tell you is that last weekend it was very warm and I was looking for a cool, refreshing, alcoholic beverage that was not beer. Cuz ... baby steps right? First I wean off beer, then wine, then the puffing.... Anyway. I thought "Why not have a wine cooler?" Yeah. I know. A wine cooler. I'm 32. This isn't junior high. But whatver, I bought a 4-pack of these Bartles & Jaymes Mojitos for $4 and figured I'd give them a shot. But guess what? This shit isn't even "wine!" It's "flavored beer." WTF? So I didn't even open a bottle because I saw "beer" and I'm trying to be good and that's that.
Well, Crusty is in town and she came over the other night and wanted a tasty alcoholic beverage so I made her my guinea pig and asked her to drink this alleged wine cooler doppelganger and tell me what it tasted like. Her response was classic:
"Tastes like 10th grade."
Then she made a face and I told her she didn't need to finish it, we poured it down the drain together and she washed the taste out of her mouth with a classically delicious Budweiser American Ale and that was the end of our journey. There are three more in my fridge if you want to be a part of the experimental process.


212degreedesigns said...


dude, we are on the same roller coaster. several weeks ago i stepped on our scale and let out a scream.. because to my horror I realized I weighed more than I ever had before (when I wasn't pregnant).

i looked at everything i was doing differently and even considered that it had something to do with that stupid birthday I just had, but really 75% of it.. is the drinking.

if it wasn't a beer, it was a rum and coke, if it wasn't that it was ICE TEA MOJITO (god those fuckers are GOOD)!!!

what's really funny? last week i too found myself bringing home a 6 pack of wine coolers. LOL

i blame it totally on the men that love and accept us. WTF is up with unconditional love shit?!?!


Shora said...

Beer is evil. But hey, you're SUPPOSED to gain a few pounds when you first get married. It's all part of that wedded bliss thing so embrace it babe!

Buzz said...

Crusty would have hit the ball out of the park if she would have said:

"Tastes like Mommies Kisses!"

I'll take one for the team and ensure the flavored beer gets consumed MB, promise.

Coodence said...

Gross, Dr. Brad. Just cuz it's there, doesn't mean you have to drink it.

Going on the wagon is a time honored tradition, BFF, and a great way to slim your waist line fast, soothe your aching liver, and lose some of that tolerance you've been steadily gaining. Hooray for being a cheap date!