Goodbye July Haiku Friday

What a busy month!
But I don't know why really
It just seemed to be
Obon Festival
My HLP's wedding day
Salsa Festival
Less than a month and
I go back to school again
Talk about busy


What Kind of Fuckery is This?

As I mentioned in last week's haiku, beer and I are on a break. What it boils down to is that I have been binge drinking like a college frat boy and it's starting to show in my arms, hips, thighs, ass and gut. And probably my double chin. My weight is the highest it has ever been and I think sobriety is a good way to face that issue. If you don't agree, that's fine. I just don't want to hear about it.
Anywho, that defensive bitchiness is a result of menses. My blunder. What I really came here to tell you is that last weekend it was very warm and I was looking for a cool, refreshing, alcoholic beverage that was not beer. Cuz ... baby steps right? First I wean off beer, then wine, then the puffing.... Anyway. I thought "Why not have a wine cooler?" Yeah. I know. A wine cooler. I'm 32. This isn't junior high. But whatver, I bought a 4-pack of these Bartles & Jaymes Mojitos for $4 and figured I'd give them a shot. But guess what? This shit isn't even "wine!" It's "flavored beer." WTF? So I didn't even open a bottle because I saw "beer" and I'm trying to be good and that's that.
Well, Crusty is in town and she came over the other night and wanted a tasty alcoholic beverage so I made her my guinea pig and asked her to drink this alleged wine cooler doppelganger and tell me what it tasted like. Her response was classic:
"Tastes like 10th grade."
Then she made a face and I told her she didn't need to finish it, we poured it down the drain together and she washed the taste out of her mouth with a classically delicious Budweiser American Ale and that was the end of our journey. There are three more in my fridge if you want to be a part of the experimental process.


Weight Loss Tip

Buy the size on the left instead of the size on the right.
Ice Cream
MORAL OF THAT STORY: You can teach this old dog some new tricks.

P.S. Happy birthday, Andrea! Me love you long time!


TMI Tuesday - Nonsexual Edition

1. The three words that best describe you are funny, honest and hardworking.

2. The three words that best describe your life are busy, educational, fun.

3. Your three guilty pleasures are lounging around in my jammies, ice cream and candy.

4. The three places you would like to visit before you die are all the baseball stadiums in the U.S., Spain and Italy.

5. The three things you would like to do before you die are graduate, be a mother, avoid divorce.

Bonus (as in optional): What three to five "flashes" would be your life so far?
Winning a first place trophy at a karate tournament when I was a kid, going to state qualifications in Speech in High School, me on an airplane going to different countries, being proposed to at Dodger Stadium, the most fun wedding ever (ours of course!).

Questions are from here.


Movie Review Monday

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: It's been a while since I have seen a movie in a theater but it was Harry Potter that took me out of hiding. I have to admit I was intimidated by the nearly three-hour running time but I can honestly say that it didn't seem that long. I laughed a lot thanks to Professor Slughorn but also nearly pooped myself when the Holocaust-like demons came out of the water. Scary! And spoiler alert, my ass. If you haven't read the book, it's not my problem. The teenage angst and love is just so well done! You'll really like it; it's my favorite Harry Potter movie yet.

Grey Gardens: I saw the original 1975 documentary years ago with my fancy gay uncle because it is a bit of a cult classic in those circles. I was befuddled. How did cousins of Jackie O go from being debutantes to a couple of old crazies living in squalor? What this HBO movie does is give you the answers the documentary didn't. It tells us what big and little Edie Beale were like prior to their downward spirals. Drew Barrymore absolutely NAILED it and became little Edie. I can say the same for Jessica Lange. The costumes are absolutely wonderful as well. I really recommend renting this one.

Miracle at St. Anna: And finally there's this movie. Husband rented this Spike Lee story of black soldiers in World War II. Buffalo soldiers they were called. I didn't like this movie. At all. As a matter of fact, we both fell asleep watching it. And when Husband decided to finish it the next day? I took a nap instead. Apparently it's a James McBride novel. He wrote a fantastic book I once read called The Color of Water. I recommend you take the time you would have spent watching this nearly three-hour movie and read that book instead.


Beer Breakup Haiku Friday

Taking a beer break
At least until Labor Day
To fit in my jeans
Prozac, booze - don't mix
So I hopped on the wagon
Today is day 4
No beer with sushi
Unimaginable! But?
I did it. It's on.



I think I have come to the conclusion that summer vacation does nothing for me. I am clearly someone who thrives on stress and deadlines and having too much to do. I know, it came as a shock to me, too. I'm someone who, if given the choice, would spend all day in her jammies, curled up with a good book, under a quilt, sporadically napping. However, an idle brain is the devil's workshop and too much time to think just isn't good for me. Have you ever been in a position where you think everything is peachy keen until the peanut gallery joins in with one too many opinions and it completely changes your way of thinking? That sort of happened to me this week and it has got me really wanting to shake things up in my life. I won't list them or make promises to keep to these "new" goals, but something hit me like a light and I know now I'm ready for some big changes. First thing that comes to mind is being grateful for what I have as opposed to longing for what I don't.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up faster.



I bought these shoes from Chinese Laundry a couple years ago because I thought they were so sexy. I didn't realize, however, that they are actually made of barbed wire, broken glass and razor blades. Do not attempt to wear these shoes if you are a bridesmaid in a wedding. Your feet will end up tragically blistered, bleeding and sore. The price of beauty, my ass.


American Psycho Haiku Friday

Yuppies and brand names
Manhattan, 1980s
Torture and murder
Truly disturbing
Definitive of the times
Of self absorption
Tedious reading
Can't say there's a "story" though
I don't recommend



Husband works for the Navy and they get to do fun things like field exercises in the scorching heat. He sent me this yesterday and I laughed. A lot. So I am sharing with you.

Eric the pleasantly cooperative insurgent



I figured I ought to post something for my faithful readers to let you know that I'm still up and running. Not that any of you expressed concern or anything, mostly just because I am full of myself. I'm sure, too, that most of you have seen me on the facebook - my new obsession. I guess I can blame that on my lack of blog fodder. That and the fact that not much else has been going on of late. Mostly I have just been playing house, working in the yard and enjoying the last of my summer vacation. I'm in the middle of reading American Psycho and man is it something. The last movie I saw was Valkyrie on the DVD and that isn't even worth reviewing. Yeah. So... I imagine by now you've long lost interest and you might be drooling on your keyboard so I'll let you go.
We'll talk soon.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Hipster Haiku Friday

The word of the day
To describe this scarf-like trend
Hipster Jihadist
I can't take credit
Husband thought of that ditty
So clever, ain't he?
Here's a fun website
"Look at this fucking hipster"
A hipster a day


I Lack Inspiration

Borrowed from BFF:

Things I like, or care about:
  1. Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook
  2. The Dodgers
  3. Britney Spears
  4. Whatever Perez Hilton wants to tell me about
  5. Keeping my checkbook balanced and finances in order
Things I don't like, or don't care about:
  1. Hypocritical Michael Jackson coverage
  2. "The economy" being the scapegoat for everything
  3. Twilight - be it in book or movie form
  4. Going to an endocrinologist
  5. Finishing my scrapbook


Stupid Human Tricks

WKND 010
WKND 011
WKND 012
(note the utter indifference Kiyah has to offer)
MORAL OF THAT STORY: Just because you are willing to do it, doesn't mean your dog will be.

Just to make y'all feel better for my husband, he did get her to leap over the hurdle:
WKND 017
How equestrian of her, no?


Seven, Seven

Happy 40th Anniversary, Moo & Poo.
Lord knows how the two of you made it this far.


The Yard

Fancy New Yard
This is like the third time we've tried to fix up the yard. Let's see how long this lasts. I relocated my overgrown ficus from the spare room to the back yard. Its leaves are already whitening so I'm not sure the fickle ficus will be happy enough to survive outdoors. And to that I say "Oh well." We chose some hearty looking blue grass and fancy wee trees. In the center, we planted Alstroemeria in honor of my bridesmaids. The Cat really digs all that overgrown grass on the right for her jungle expeditions and nest building so don't judge me. I live to please the pets.


3-Day Weekend Haiku Friday

Sleeping in until
We want to get out of bed
No alarm for us
Cereal? No way
There's time for bacon and eggs
Leisurely breakfasts
Taking it easy
No plans, task lists or deadlines
Have a happy fourth!


The Hot House

After reading about the oh-so-tame life of Julie Andrews, I was hungry for a little bit more grit. When HLP moved, she left me a box of books that included The Hot House: Life Inside Leavenworth Prison by Pete Earley so I chose that as my next read. This book even looked the part with it's cracked spine, its stained pages and the sticker on it that read USED. Earley goes into the prison as a reporter rather than a prisoner from July '87 - July '89 and this book is an excellently written recount of his experience there. He focuses on the warden, a select few inmates and a handful of guards. I have always had a bit of an obsession about prison culture because it is a life so few of us will ever be a part of. I've been a visitor many times but never a prisoner and this book really makes you never want to end up an inmate. And it isn't because of some scare tactic hyperbole - it is simply because there is no way life could be worse than when one is serving time (oftentimes life) behind bars or in "the hole." I recommend this read but it's not for the faint of heart. This book is not holding anything back.


Delicate Flower

See that there? That is the result of a ten second blood draw with the world's tiniest needle. Well, that big mark on my vein is anyway. That other mark? That hickey-like creation? That's from when I took off the piece of medical tape that was holding the wee cotton ball over my puncture wound. Trying to get down to the bottom of this hypothyroid, weight gain, depression nonsense is nothing but a big ol' pain in my butt. Another blood test and I'm going to smack someone. Also? If the doctor KNOWS he is sending your for a test that requires a urine sample, why doesn't he let you know in advance? If you're like me, you pee in the morning before leaving the house; probably, you go right after you roll out of bed. Inevitably, if I don't go pee, they need no sample. If I go, they do. Murphy's Law.
In addition to all that silliness, I got the pleasure of visiting a neurologist yesterday because since the wedding, my left thigh has been, well, numb. Doc says it's a paralytic nerve and not very uncommon but he still wanted to run some tests. I blame my nephew's other aunt for falling on me on the dance floor but that's another story for another day. Nerve function testing is crazy. You are basically pricked with safety pins, electrocuted and stabbed with wee needles that pick up the sound of your nerves doing what they do. Holy cow. What an experience. No results yet but I hope I never have to go back to that place.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: I get sick so you don't have to!