6.30.2009

Can't Wait To See This

If you love Jackass, you must go here

6.29.2009

End Of An Era

See that? That's my belly unadorned by jewelry. What a delightful sight for your Monday morning blog viewing. I got my belly button pierced the day after high school graduation. My mother warned me that if I went ahead and did it, she'd kick me out of the house. She never did. Not for that or the tattoos. BFF and I took our graduation money and headed to State Street in Santa Barbara. I remember the day like it was yesterday. She and I in our Doc Martens, driving my '89 Ford Taurus up the 101 most likely listening to Pearl Jam and signing to Hotel California. Smoking our Marlboros. The man who pierced me was named Todd. When I sneezed, I recall he said "Todd bless you." He had holes all over his face where jewelry used to live and a piercing right above his nose, between his eyes. June of 1995, kids. 14 years later it's time to say farewell. It was a good run.

6.26.2009

They Go In Threes Haiku Friday

Never watched Late Night
Phil Hartman immortalized
You, your hearty laugh

Drew was my Angel
But your nipples comforted
I was not alone

Soundtrack of my life
Thriller at slumber parties
Long live King of Pop

May these celebrities, these icons, find the peace in death that they were unable to find in the last years of their lives. While I am guilty of following gossip sites and tabloids, I cannot imagine how unbearable living under that sort of scrutiny must have been. To have every misstep, every scandal, even the slightest human error be broadcast for the world to see... to be followed night and day, bombarded by paparazzi... to not have the privacy to die with grace and dignity... well, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Thank you for the entertainment you gave us. Heaven will be happy to have you.

6.25.2009

Correction/Love Thursday

So a while back I said that my husband and I were going to have our first dance to the song "Just The Way You Are" by Billy Joel.
I lied.
We actually danced to this song.



My ma wept. That's all.

6.24.2009

Julie Andrews: Home

My fondness for Julie Andrews is no secret around these parts. Back in the early days of my babysitting experience, at the ripe young age of 12, I cared for two girls who absolutely adored Mary Poppins. I had never watched that movie prior to then, but I have since seen it dozens of time. In that same household, I saw The Sound of Music and realized my love for the British songstress/actress. To me, Julie Andrews is the very definition of grace and femininity. At the same time, she has an air of mischief about her that is undeniably fun and absolutely adorable. When I saw that she had an autobiography on the shelves, I squealed with joy and eagerly anticipated its arrival. Crusty gave me Home: A Memoir of My Early Years for my birthday and I have been reading it off and on ever since. Some of the few things I can say about this book are: it is a fantastic sedative, it is the epitome of British formality and charm, and it is almost 100% conflict and scandal-free. It is my humble opinion that if one is going to tell the story of their life, there should be at least a dash of intrigue, mystery or drama. Miss Andrews' story reads as a delightful peek into her personal diary and ends just prior to her leaving for America to film Mary Poppins. If you have an interest in the ins and outs of a childhood and young adulthood in musical theater, this book is for you. If not, well, I'd recommend someone else's autobiography.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover.

6.23.2009

Frost/Nixon

When this movie showed up in my mailbox I was pretty much predisposed to disliking it. History has never been a strong point for me, especially American History. I blame this on attending a private Catholic school. I'm sure at one point, that sort of education had some sort of prestigious affiliation, but when I was enrolled at Santa Clara High School it was staffed with mostly alcoholic, absentee teachers, drug use among students was rampant and the school itself was in an academic slump. So while I definitely had heard of Nixon and Watergate, I wouldn't say I had any more than a passing awareness of it. Frost/Nixon is an extremely well done period piece and in my opinion, Frank Langella may as well have been Richard Nixon. Incredible acting. There is a Kevin Bacon connection and since this movie was directed by Ron Howard, his brother Clint has his prerequisite cameo as a cameraman. Husband and I can't say enough wonderful things about Oliver Platt and while I can't seem to visualize Sam Rockwell as anything other than the bad guy and Drew Barrymore's quasibeau in the first Charlie's Angels movie, he also did amazing job in his supporting role. I highly recommend this movie for history buffs and people that may be in need of hearing this story for the first time. Wonderfully done.

6.22.2009

Best. Flavor. Ever.

Best Ice Cream Flavor Ever
This flavor had a limited appearance once before and it flew under my radar. A couple months back I saw it at our local grocery store and I thought I'd give it a shot. I fell in love immediately. Husband and I have a bit of a tradition of getting a pint of Ben & Jerry's every weekend so we returned the following weekend and Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road was no where to be found. This occurred week after week until I decided to give up. Apparently, this deliciousness had run its course and was back to being a thing of legend. This past weekend, Husband and I were headed to the market to get our weekly rations and in the parking lot he said, "Maybe the Yellow Brickle Road will be there today." I glared at him, asking how dare he tease me that way. When all my hope had been lost. I walked into Vons with my head down and we headed to the ice cream aisle. Lo and behold! The flavor was there! I gasped with such relief and joy that three women passersby stopped to stare. I imagine they thought something or someone out of a horror story was leaping out from the freezer section. But no. It was just me and my Yellow Brickle Road. And the euphoria only ice cream can bring.

6.21.2009

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Happy Father's Day to you, Poo!
Couldn't love you more if I tried.


6.19.2009

Ode To My Right Arm Haiku Friday

Band-aid on my hand
I burnt it on the oven
Removing pizza
***
Scratches from the cat,
A cut from washing a knife,
A swollen knuckle
***
Four vials of blood
Removed from my elbow crook
Amputation time?

6.18.2009

Poop Rant

Do you see that beloved beast right there? Isn't she cute with her gigantic rawhide bone? Protecting it even while she sleeps? Well she's adorable but she's also a poop factory. Since getting pets, Kiyah and The Cat, I have become the primary poop picker upper. Every morning, Miss Kiyah and I go for a walk and every morning I pick up at least one, sometimes two, healthy piles of poop in a wee plastic bag I cover my hand with and which I tie in a knot and throw in the trash. I, Randi, am a responsible pet owner and do not leave droppings of doo doo to be stepped in. A few houses in our neighborhood have signs in their yard that say "No Dogs" or "No Dog Poop Pleace (sic)." I respect those yards. For the most part, however, I don't get a say in where or when Kiyah poops.
This morning I saw the epitome of lameness. On someone's city-issued trash can, located on public property also known as an alley, someone had put a sign "No More Dog Poop." Um... WTF? Would they prefer it be thrown flaming on their stoop? Perhaps left in their garden? Maybe on their sidewalk? I felt like leaving the bag o'poop right on top of the trash can but instead threw it in the receptacle, disregarding the idiocy of that sign.
Two Words: Public property.
Two more words? Suck it.

6.17.2009

I Want To Ride My Bicycle


For the past several years I have been coveting this bicycle. Now that I live near the beach, it is almost a prerequisite that I have a beach cruiser. So I splurged and got this beautiful baby: a bubblegum pink, Paul Frank Skurvy cruiser complete with basket, bell and white wall tires. Now I truly understand the love Pee Wee Herman had for his bicycle in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. It is quite an upgrade from the last bike:

Nothing was wrong with it, per se, I just am not down with shifting gears. So naturally, I turned to Craigslist to try and unload this bad girl. I set the price at a reasonable $60 and even threw in the water bottle holder with water bottle for free! I know, huh? Lucky. I got a couple queries but one fellow was particularly persistent so I told him to come on by and see if he liked it. This guy asked so many questions! How many inches? Is it a mountain bike? Is it an adult bike? And on and on and on. Dude, did you read the ad? Did you see the picture? For $60 - frickin' cheap as far as bikes go - that many questions simply aren't allowed. So he was in my garage hemming and hawing about whether or not to commit when I finally said, "Dude, if you have the exact change, I'll drop the price to $50." Did he have the correct change? No. But he did manage to thumb through about fifteen $20 bills looking for it. And I ended up giving that douche $10 change.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: If you're going to bargain, play the part. Don't flash your wads of cash after haggling the price down.

6.16.2009

TMI Tuesday - Wedding Edition

Have you ever...
1. been married?

Yup!
2. been divorced? been remarried?
Nope!
3. had sex at a wedding reception?
Not during!
4. had sex with someone you first met at a wedding or wedding reception?
Yup! On two separate occasions.... yikes.
5. given a a toast to the bride and groom?
Just for BFF.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the funniest thing you've seen or done at a wedding?
My husband coming out for the garter removal portion of our wedding looking like this:

and then like this:

Bonus II (as in optional): What is the best toast for the wedding couples?
"May you never want for as long as you live and may you live as long as you want." Actually, that was Pep Streebeck's birthday toast to Granny Mundy in Dragnet but I think it's a nice sentiment. BFF killed our wedding toast. She's not to be outdone.

Questions are from here.

6.12.2009

Disgruntled Worker Haiku Friday

Customer service
It's the story of my life
Hard work butt kissing
***
Ungrateful assholes
Power trip by talking shit
Like I'm a retard
***
Well I'm no dummy
So I plaster a smile on
And get the job done

6.10.2009

Dear Doctor Blog

I've mentioned this before but right now it's on the forefront of my mind and I'm taking to the blog to see if some of you have some inside scoop you can share with me prior to my next doctor's visit.
I suffer from hypothyroidism. It sounds silly to say "suffer" but it truly is a pain in the ass. Would you like to see my symptoms? Here goes:
  • Fatigue
  • Weakness
  • Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
  • Coarse, dry hair
  • Dry, rough pale skin
  • Hair loss
  • Cold intolerance (this I'm unsure of because I'm either sweating or freezing)
  • Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
  • Constipation
  • Depression
  • Irritability
  • Memory loss
  • Abnormal menstrual cycles
  • Decreased libido
Fun stuff huh? And about the only things I don't have symptoms for is the stuff with my hair. I've got quite the healthy coiffure, thank you very much. And I wouldn't say my skin is rough either. The rest of it, though? All there. I'm being treated with a prescription but it doesn't seem to be doing much to alleviate my symptoms. I will be attempting to cut things out of my diet that affect my thyroid such as: potatoes, corn, raw cabbage, raw cauliflower, raw broccoli, raw spinach, peaches, pears, strawberries, soy and... wait for it... alcohol. Ugh. I guess what I want to know is, do any of you have hypothyroidism? What have you done to fix the situation? Any advice is much appreciated.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you don't know the answer, ask the web.

6.09.2009

Lovin' Zefron

One of my Facebook friends from high school threw up an invitation to see 17 Again and I shamefully confessed that I wanted to see it. Last night I did but only because it was at the discount movie theater. There is nothing new here - a grown man (Matthew Perry) feels he lost his chance at greatness in high school and wants to go back. Thanks to some movie magic, he turns back into his 17-year old self (Zac Efron) and tries to recapture his glory days, only now he is doing it alongside his teenage son and daughter (Buffy's Michelle Trachtenberg) while his soon to be ex-wife (Leslie Mann) watches on. His nerdy buddy (Thomas Lennon a.k.a. Lt. Dangle from Reno 911) pretends to be his dad while wooing his principal (The Office's Melora Hardin). I did some name dropping here to give this silly movie some well-deserved credibility. I laughed quite a bit and am convince that Zac Efron will have a long career in Hollywood. That kid exudes charisma, has a rockin' hot bod and is 100% talented. He had me at when he hosted SNL. While I'm ok with not paying full price to see this one, I highly recommend it when it comes out on DVD soon. Or maybe at your local discount theater.

6.08.2009

Bedtime Stories

Thank God for Netflix otherwise I doubt I would have seen this movie. I really have a thing for Disney, it's time I come clean. While I don't believe Disneyland is the happiest place on earth (because Chavez Ravine is), it definitely is a close runner up.Husband and I fell in love there, dontcha know? But I digress. With Enchanted came a new kind of Disney movie that combined the cartoon aspect with their family feature films genre. I loved Enchanted. And I loved Bedtime Stories. Everyone and their mother has a cameo in this movie and it is just good, clean fun. Adam Sandler is goofy but not annoying though his New York accent doesn't seem to make sense seeing as his character was born and raised in Los Angeles. Other than that? I got chills from the scattered morals of the stories and the predictably silly romance storyline. I am pretty sure the world would be a better place if more kiddos loved this movie like I did. Though I did have to pause the movie several times to ask husband if I'm mentally retarded because I loved this movie so much and I'm 32, at least four times older than the targeted audience.

6.06.2009

The Hangover

I know you've all heard these sage words of advice before: When you fall off a horse, you get right back on. So Husband and I ventured out for our second movie in two days to see The Hangover so it could wash the bad taste LOTL left out of our mouths. This, Hollywood, is how comedies are made. It almost goes without saying that director of Old School has lent his magic touch to this tale of boys behaving badly during a bachelor party weekend in Sin City. The best part of this movie is that we never really know exactly what went down at the party so don't expect a flashback to the 80s comedy styling of Tom Hanks. It's raunchy, crude, vulgar and hilarious. I laughed so hard that at times my hearty guffaw was reduced to a mere wheeze of a sound reminiscent of Charlie's grandpa in 1971s Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Ed Helms had my heart with Andy Bernard in The Office and he does no wrong here as the worry wart of a buddy. Zach Galifianakis had me rolling with his almost criminal stupidity and naivete. And Bradley Cooper? Well he's just easy on the eyes and as cool as a cucumber. So, so funny. Stop reading and go see it.

Land of the Lost

There's a saying "they can't all be winners" and I can't think of a more appropriate cluster of words to describe Land of the Lost. It is no secret around these parts that I love me some Will Ferrell so naturally I was going to see this on opening weekend. When the theater darkened I may have even let out a wee squeal of joy. That squeal, however, was short lived. I won't say that LOTL sucked, per se, but it just isn't good. The whole movie lacked a cohesive quality that it desperately needed. I compare it to when we were in high school and had to videotape our version of Hamlet to show our literature or drama classmates - the basic material from the also awful television show is there but the editing and flow are sloppy at best. I will give credit where credit is due, though; the special effects were amazing. Dinosaurs scare the shit out of me. Chaka? I place him in the same "Annoying Character" category as Jar Jar Binks. Danny McBride? Stretch your wings, homeslice. You're a funny sonofabitch but it's time to break away from your Tropic Thunder character. I recommend Ferrell's guest appearance on Bear Grylls' special Men vs Wild over this movie any day... you know, because Will Ferrell is actually funny in it.

6.05.2009

World Environment Day Haiku Friday

Raindrops are falling
Makes getting out of bed hard
I want my blankie
***
Oh, Sister Christian
I can't help but play air drums
While I drive my car
***
Lotsa random thoughts
I'm ready for the weekend
And movie viewing

6.04.2009

Text Theater

Husband: I want to vacation in Narnia.
Me: You're nuts.
Husband: Why because the time difference is a bummer?
Me: Yes. Because of jet lag, babe. That was my main concern.
Husband: I thought sure you'd be most worried about griffin attacks.

6.03.2009

Facebook

I've tried and quit Friendster and MySpace. I swore I wouldn't be sucked into Facebook. Guess what. I lied to myself. I totally joined on Monday. Not only have I joined, but I have immediately become addicted. In less than 48 hours I have acquired 79 friends. Real friends. People I'm actually glad to be in contact with! I've used their chat system to talk to a lady I used to work and live with and for whose kids I was a nanny. I've made my move on a game of Scrabble BFF invited me to. I've found out that my wedding DJ did indeed play "We don't have to take our clothes off" during the garter toss only we couldn't hear it over the roar of people laughing at Husband with his swim cap, goggles and mouthguard get up. I've solved the mystery of who gave us the red tea kettle since Target goofed up and didn't include a card. I'm officially obsessed.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

6.02.2009

TMI Tuesday

1. What was the last movie you saw on a date?
Before Husband and I were married, we caught Wolverine in the theaters last. That counts as a date, right? Now Netflix has taken over.
2. What was the last meal you had on a date?
The Monday night after our wedding we went on our first date as a married couple at Anaba sushi. We ate a giant boat and got some free green tea ice cream. Holler.
3. When was the last time you made out in the car on a date? More?
I'm too old to make out in cars. This must have been when I was in my early 20s. Sex in a car hasn't happened since then either. I think right now it would be physically impossible.
4. Using a dating websites do you think you are more likely to find a "hook up" or a relationship?
I feel like you're more likely to find a "hook up" but there are good guys out there. I happened to meet my husband via Blogger so I don't think the internet is as taboo as it used to be... then again, look at MySpace - a breeding ground for whores and deviants.
5. Do you have any special "first" date rituals? Flowers, certain restaurant, etc.
I think a first date should absolutely include a meal. You need time to talk to the person you're with. My ideal date is lunch, an afternoon movie, and close it off with a long walk and a night cap.
BONUS QUESTION: Do you believe in sex on the first date? Can a relationship bloom if you have sex on the first date?
Do I believe in it? Sure. I've seen it happen. From experience I think it's best to wait. The good ones are worth waiting for and know that you are, too. I believe BFF beat that into my brain.

Questions are from here.

6.01.2009

Golf

Now that I'm a newlywed, it only seems right that I take up some sort of old person sport that I can play with my husband, right? For my wedding gift, Buzz gave me my very own set of clubs and a pair of fancy golf shoes. On Saturday morning, we set out to the driving range at the Port Hueneme Navy base. I got to pick out my very first golf glove and we got a $6 large bucket of balls and set out to the tee. Let me just state for the record that my golf experience is limited to a few shots at the Sportmart indoor driving range when I worked there in the late 90s and a few rounds putt putt golf at Golf N' Stuff throughout my early childhood. In other words? None. I have to give Buzz props. He is an amazing teacher and within an hour I managed to hit a couple balls past the 100 yard marker and made contact with the ball more often than not. Of course, the "big ball" also known as our planet Earth also got hit quite a bit but I think she'll recover. Two days later, I can still feel soreness on my left side but apparently that's a sign I'm doing things right. I'll let you guys know when I join the LPGA.