Fuck You, February Haiku Friday

So long, second month
Don't let the door hit your ass
On the way out, huh?
Surgery and school
And expensive car repairs
Gloomy, rainy days
Why are you still here?
You have until tomorrow.
Seriously. Bye.


Persistence Pays Off Humpday

I am pleased to announce that the great zipper debacle of '09 has come to an end. Last Wednesday I briefly touched on the failure of my second attempt at a repair. Before I bring you the awe inspiring climax I suppose I should let you know a bit more about the failure. Or perhaps a brief recap will suffice?
  • Zipper ripped when I tried to squeeze fresh-out-of-the-dryer jeans over my ever expanding hips
  • Jeans were brought to be repaired, $7
  • "Repaired" zipper refused to keep its teeth together
  • Jeans were brought back to be repaired again, $0 but a bit of a tongue lashing
  • "Repaired" zipper refused to stay up. At all. Like I bent over to tie my shoes, zipper was down. I sneeze, zipper down. I breathe, zipper down. You get the gist.
  • Owner of jeans accepts defeat at said "repair" shop
In a last ditch attempt to salvage my most favorite pair of overpriced jeans, I brought them to another dry cleaner where prior to this visit I'd had great success with the cleaning/restoration of my suede purse. I explained to the lady there that I knew these jeans were tight but she wasn't allowed to comment on that. And although I wear my jeans snug, the zipper manages to remain up. I gladly paid the $15 fee and went on my merry way. Well, I picked up my thrice repaired jeans last night and am wearing them this morning. The zipper has yet to fail me.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.



Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. For those of you who aren't familiar with religion and all the fun stuff that goes along with it, Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent. Lent ends on Easter. During that time, if you are a good Catholic or what have you, you give something up so you can relate to the sacrifice Jesus made for us. That sacrifice being His life for our sins. So you can see how it makes sense that Jesus died and a bunch of goofy ass Catholics decide they'll give up candy for 40 odd days to see what it was like to walk a mile in His sandals.
I am one such goofy ass, albeit lapsed, Catholic. Since all attempts at dieting and self-control seemed to have failed me thus far, I am going to give up desserts for Lent. Cookies, candies, crepes, chocolates, jelly beans, ice cream, cakes... you name it, I'm off of it. And I'm doing it all in Jesus' name. Amen.



This weekend I gave in and bought 6 new shirts. All designated with the size XL. I then audited my closet and threw out anything that had an M on the tag. I have to admit, wearing clothing that fits does wonders for my appearance. And not seeing those other clothes that stopped fitting long ago take up space in my closet is like a weight off my shoulders. I know I don't have to weigh as much as I do now and I will continue working on that. But I will not torture myself any longer. I won't be keeping track of everything I put in my mouth. I'll still walk the dog twice a day. I'll still do my best to eat healthy but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never again wear a single digit sized item of clothing. Maybe if I go in the direction of not letting my weight be such a focal point in my life, things will come together nicely on their own. Clearly, obsessing about it hasn't worked thus far.


91 Days Haiku Friday

Wedding weighs heavy
Then again, so do I right?
It's just jokes, Baby
February sucks
Black history month aside
So close to over
Filing my taxes
Checking off task list boxes
Gittin'r'done, son!


Over Extended Hump

That sounds like a whacked out camel but really, it is a description of today. So I am going to do a rant list and get it off my chest:
  • I suck at quizzes
  • Working full time and going to school part time is not fun
  • We have to order flowers for the wedding this Saturday
  • I have to assemble invites on Monday
  • Next weekend is working on the registry
  • A co-worker is on vacay so I have twice the workload
  • My other co-worker clears his throat incessantly and it makes me want to punch a baby
  • Too much to do, too little time
  • My zipper repair totally FAILED
  • I got lovely Red Chuck Taylors for Valentine's Day but the day was still slightly jacked up because I got a migraine and had to ruin Buzz's dinner reservations
  • I got a 90% on a presentation I stressed about all weekend
  • I am currently sitting at 55% in my other class (see: quizzes, sucking)
  • My wedding dress still won't fit as of 93 days before the wedding
MORAL OF THAT STORY: Don't bite off more than you can chew.


I Love The 805

Know why? Because I live on the beach...
No shit?

and after a wee drive of 45 minutes we made it to the snow.




There seems to be a trend of late to release movies in 3-D. Until now, I was hesitant to jump on the bandwagon. Coraline seemed worth it because of the stop motion medium it is made in. The cross between animation and actual, moveable parts deserves to be seen larger than life. What I didn't realize, however, is that the mix of movie snacks and three dimensional viewing would culminate into the migraine of the year. Nice.
Coraline is a sweet movie. It's the story of a young girl seemingly neglected by her workaholic parents that falls into an alternate world with her "other mother" and her "other father" where everything is perfect - save for the buttons where eyes should be. Of course, we jaded adults know that the grass is always greener on the other side, until you get to the other side and realize that grass still needs to be mowed. Feel me?
I recommend this movie to those who have an affinity for movies like The Corpse Bride or Nightmare Before Christmas. It has the same kind of feel only it's missing the magic touch of Tim Burton.


Valentine's Day Still Sucks Haiku Friday

All of life's stresses
Are coming together to
Make me lose my mind
Just my luck, again
Vehicular's in the shop
Cue ominous clouds
Your fucking awards program
Took Bones from me. Jerks.

Ok, mini disclaimer: I'm sure Valentine's Day with my fiance will be a lovely occasion I just think the idea of it all is as lame as can be. xoxo


Inspirational Lyrics Thursday

I really like John Legend and his new CD Evolver is very good. I would recommend you purchase it but I don't want to be the boss of you. The last song on the CD, If You're Out There, really touched me so I thought I would throw its positive message on the old blog since my stories of late have been less than joyful.

If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation, we can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late

We've been looking for a song to sing
Searched for a melody, searched for someone to lead
We've been looking for the world to change
If you feel the same, then go on and say

If you're out there, sing along with me
If you're out there, I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud, if you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now, now, now

No more broken promises, no more call to war
Unless it's love and peace that we're really fighting for
We can destroy hunger, we can conquer hate
Put down the arms and raise your voice
We're joining hands today

Oh I was looking for a song to sing
I searched for a leader, but the leader was me
We were looking for the world to change
We can be heroes, Just go on and say

If you're out there, sing along with me
If you're out there, I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud, if you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now, now, now

If you're ready we can shake the world
Believe again, it starts within
We don't have to wait for destiny
We should be the change that we want to see

If you're out there
If you're out there
And you're ready now
Say it loud, scream it out

If you're out there, sing along with me
If you're out there, I'm dying to believe that you're out there
Stand up and say it loud, if you're out there
Tomorrow's starting now

If you're out there
If you're out there
If you're out there

If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation, we can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late


Moral Of The Story Humpday

Yesterday I left my apartment at oh dark early to walk the dog. Six in the morning is never a fun time, but it was particularly cold yesterday and I was bundled up in a beanie and my hoodie. Brrr, man. Winter's chilly. I try to keep my head down in the morning not only because it keeps the cold air off my face but because I really don't want to make eye contact with anyone that might be out at that ungodly hour.
Of course, we all know how good I am at avoiding eye contact. I happened to look up at the exact same time a black car was cruising down my street. Lo and behold, the window was down and a guy caught my attention and asked for directions - to a dentist of all places. At six in the morning. I live on the 5000 block of my street. He was looking for an address in the 600 area of the same street, which just happens to be one of the main streets in Oxnard.
I told him he had to turn around because he was way off. He retorted that the address was 600 West and if he turned around he would be going East. That was certainly a point I wasn't about to debate at six in the morning as it wasn't even a remotely valid argument. Even if he turned around, there could still be a West. I reiterated that it would be in his best interest to go back from whence he came as he was in the wrong 'hood. I know. I live there. This dude had the nerve to ask if there were any more office buildings at the end of my block even though I clearly stated he was no where near his destination so I looked to the West and retorted "Nope, you keep heading that way and you'll end up in the ocean."
That guy chuffed at me, clearly not amused, and drove away, taking his attitude with him.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: If you're lost, don't act like you know where you are.


A Piece of Humble Pie

Recently while trying to wiggle into my size 14 Lucky Brand jeans - fresh out of the dryer, mind you - I managed to rip the zipper. I didn't feel good about that at the time but I figured I would take these very over priced jeans to the local dry cleaner and get the zipper replaced. A $14 investment in a pair of $120 jeans... seems logical. When I picked them up, the zipper had been replaced but it seemed a tooth must have been off kilter because when I would bend over to say, tie my shoes, the zipper would open even though it was zipped to the top.
This morning, I decided to go back to the same dry cleaner and request the zipper be replaced again. When I did, the employee decided to remind me of my girth by saying, "Didn't you say these jeans were too tight the last time you were here?" Well, she had me there. I most certainly did. However, I have other pairs of pants that are too tight and they manage to remain zipped all day. I agreed with her that they were tight but it seemed a matter of a faulty zipper more than a matter of my jeans being too tight as this particular pair happened to have been worn for several days in a row - faulty zipper and all - and were now a nice comfortable fit.
The thing is, I didn't walk into that establishment with even the slightest bit of 'tude. I went in with a smile and requested the zipper be replaced. I didn't demand a free repair or throw my weight around. The employee told me she'd replace it this time for free but if it happened again it was because my pants are too tight, not because her work was sub par. I even offered to pay because I felt guilty for trying to squeeze my Hugh Jass into some snug denim...
I guess I feel like that lady could have had a little more of this thing we in the business call "Customer Service." One would think a smile and an acknowledgment was all she needed to offer rather than basically saying "Hey, fat ass, you ripped your jeans. Not my problem." The customer is always right and doesn't need to be reminded of her weight problem... It's like that one time I went to Abercrombie & Fitch and requested a size 12 and was told "I don't even think they make them that big." Sigh. It's hard out there if you're not a size 2.


Food For Thought

I am a size 14.
I have 14 weeks to lose at least a dress size.
That dress happens to be my very expensive wedding dress.
I am officially eligible to shop at Lane Bryant.
I tried on a pair of size 12 shorts and while they got over my tremendous ass, zipping them up would have been impossible.
I always feel my heaviest on Mondays.
Especially the Mondays before my period.
So I'm going to try again. I guess today is day one. And there will just have to be as many day ones as it takes.
Fuck I hate this.


Ode To McDonald's Breakfast Haiku Friday

The perfect breakfast
After a night of drinking
Mmm... Greasy goodness
With Coca Cola
Like only McDonald's has
To wash each bite down
Hash brown on the side?
Heck no. I put it inside.
All textures at once


Bladder Cystoscopy Snippets

  • Check-in was at 11:15, surgery was at 1 pm.
  • I was out of the hospital by 2:30.
  • Didn't have anything to eat since dinner the night before.
  • I slept a lot in the morning to avoid being hungry.
  • This of course was after working from 6:30 - 8 am.
  • The nurse attempted to find a vein for my IV three times without success.
  • These three attempts were what some would call "Owee."
  • My mom told her to find someone who knew what they were doing.
  • The anesthesiologist got my IV in his first try - no pain, no bruising.
  • My right arm has two very ugly bruises now thanks to nurse dipshit.
  • The surgery lasted a whopping 10 minutes.
  • I woke up out of anesthesia pretty much immediately.
  • First thing I asked for was a cheeseburger and a cup of coffee.
  • The nurse gave me apple juice. Not the same.
  • Got to pee in a bed pan, lying down, for the first time.
  • Haven't had any side effects at all aside from today's headache.


25 Things About Me

BFF tagged me:
  1. When I get married on May 23, my new last name will be Friday.
  2. I met my fiance via blogger.
  3. My cat doesn't have a name. She's just "The Cat."
  4. Walking is my favorite form of exercise and unwinding.
  5. I've studied Spanish for 15 years so I guess that makes me bilingual.
  6. I've been going to college off and on for 13 years and have no degree.
  7. I will attain my bachelor's degree (God willing) in May of 2010.
  8. I don't have my tonsils any more.
  9. I just got a Samsung Propel and I love it.
  10. On Wednesday I will be having surgery to remove bladder polyps.
  11. My hobby is photography.
  12. Our band 's name on Rock Band 2 is "Techno Microwave."
  13. My birthday is May 12 and I love telling people about it.
  14. I have been on the phone with AT&T trying to return my phone charger for over an hour.
  15. I love buying CDs and DVDs.
  16. I prefer buying books over checking them out of the library.
  17. Dodger Stadium (aka Chavez Ravine) is my favorite place in the world.
  18. Buzz proposed at a Dodger game and that was just the best thing ever.
  19. I have been to several foreign countries.
  20. I am quite fond of skulls and crossbones.
  21. My dog has one brown eye and one blue eye.
  22. I love to bake but hate to cook.
  23. Beer is my favorite beverage of all time.
  24. My favorite flavor for coffee is hazelnut.
  25. If given the option, I would only wear sneakers with funky socks for footwear.