So Long, January Haiku Friday

Yesterday - lab work
Today I have to fill out
Pre-op paperwork
Hospitals aren't fun
I don't like going alone
But on the bright side
I don't have to be at work
For part of the day


The Year of Weddings

Do you guys remember that telephone game we used to play as kids? I had a similar experience last night when I called HLP to let her know that I got her save the date card. We were chatting and she mentioned that my good buddy PJP got engaged. I'm sorry.... WHAT! This guy is one of my very oldest and closest friends and I found out about this monumental event through a friend who heard from her mom who was told by his mom that he was engaged! Ferris Bueller* much?
Turns out this happened about a week ago and since he is a pilot he doesn't have much phone time so we ended up chatting for about an hour about how exciting this all was. After I congratulated him we touched on wedding planning talk and what a nightmare it can be. It got me thinking though, with my own wedding four months away, I'm in pretty good shape planning wise. I have:
  • a dress
  • a venue
  • a photographer
  • a florist
  • rings
  • favors ordered
  • invitations ordered
  • someone to perform the ceremony
  • cake tasting on Saturday
So far so good right? And this morning a good friend sent me a list of ideas which I thought were really cute and plan to try and incorporate them into the rehearsal dinner or ceremony or reception. With all this wedding talk I thought I would throw this question out to you, loyal readers:

What was the most memorable aspect of your wedding? Or if you aren't married, what is something you know you want included in your wedding?

*My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.


Medical Moral Humpday

I would hardly say that I am at the pinnacle of health. I've always had random things wrong with me. I scratch when I'm nervous. I have allergies. I take medication for hypothyroid. I take Prozac for depression. I've had my tonsils removed due to weird little halitosis nuggets called tonsilloliths. You know... the list is long.
For the most part, though, I feel healthy. Because of all these prescriptions, however, I spend a lot of time visiting my primary physician and random specialists. This usually requires a pretty regular amount of urinalyses and blood work. A few months ago I went for one such urinalysis and they found microscopic traces of blood in my urine. Please note: this is not the same thing as pissing blood. Just in case any of you have overactive imaginations.
Taking care of this didn't seem to be too much of a priority but I was eventually referred to a urologist. That word just sounds like an old person doctor to me. Urologist. Ugh. He was still finding traces of blood in my urine as of late last month and last week I had to go into his office again for a procedure where they insert a catheter and a camera into my urethra and snoop around my bladder. Guess what he found! Polyps in my bladder (thanks for the link, Crust!). Oh, goody.
My urologist is optimistic that these polyps are benign so I'm not too worried but I do have to go for a biopsy a week from today. That will require a visit to the hospital, anesthesia and a day off of work and school. Please think good thoughts for me. The last thing I need is to be diagnosed with some sort of bladder cancer 4 months before my wedding.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Doctors are your friend regardless of how scary they may appear and how annoying they can be to visit.


TMI Tuesday Movie Edition

In keeping with the theme of the last several posts:

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
The Wrestler -- see review below.
2. What is your favorite movie theater snack?
I don't really buy snacks for the most part but this past weekend I had Gummi Bears one day and Hot Tamales the other... I gotta say I'd prefer some sort of chocolate like ROLO mingling in my mouth with salty, buttery popcorn.
3. Have you ever snuck in 'outside' food into a theater?
Who hasn't done this. My favorite is when the eses bring in their 40 oz. malt liquor and they roll from the top of the theater alllll the way down to the bottom. Classy.
4. Have you ever made out in a theater?
I have. Several times.
5. What is the 'farthest' you have gone in a theater?
Yeah, I'm not answering this. High school kids be crazy but I would like to note that I didn't lose my virginity until after high school. So use your imagination.
Bonus (as in optional): What is one of your favorite movie sex scene?
I don't know if it's nostalgia or what but I think Top Gun has the sexiest sex scene of all time. Take my breath away. Indeed, Berlin. Indeed.

Questions are from here.


The Wrestler

There has been a lot of talk about this movie and how it is Mickey Rourke's comeback vehicle so I felt that since it finally found its way to Oxnard, Buzz and I should see it. So we did. I tell you it was a movie-a-day this past weekend. After seeing Gran Torino and Slumdog, I thought we were on a roll as far as good movies were concerned. I can't decide if this third flick was fantastic or if it was overshadowed by emotional exhaustion after the other two.
I will say this, Mickey Rourke deserves any and all accolades he gets. His portrayal (or "portrayance" depending on who you ask) of a washed up professional wrestler whose last hey day was in the late 80s is dead on. I didn't realize we would have the added pleasure of seeing Marisa Tomei as a past her prime stripper but she was great as well. Evan Rachel Wood plays Rourke's estranged daughter and the scenes between the two of them are quite powerful.
The rest of it, though, is just a tragic story about two adults who can't seem to find their niche in modern day society and rather than face reality choose to hide behind an alias in a second life. Buzz commented that until about halfway through, he didn't realize that this movie was set in the present because everything seemed to reflect the late 80s. I have to agree with him. So after the fantasy of GT and Slumdog, we were slapped in the face with a healthy dose of reality. There is no happy ending here, just life being as gritty as it can be.

My Very Own FAIL!

funny pictures
moar funny pictures


Slumdog Millionaire

Two movies in two days! We're on a roll! I knew I wanted to see this movie solely because I have a soft spot in my heart for Danny Boyle. Trainspotting had an incredible impact on me and I know that any movie coming from the man that brought Scottish heroin addicts into my life is worth a revisit.
Oh yeah, and I sometimes have to prove to BFF that I love Indian people.
I noticed a bit of a theme that carried over from Gran Torino and into this afternoon's viewing of Slumdog - Escapism. Fantasy. Mark Harris, a writer for Entertainment Weekly, commented in his last column that GT is "fantasy pretending to be social commentary." I found that interesting. Perhaps he is right, perhaps we have no reason to believe that the racist in our neighborhood has anything to teach us about "heroism and self-sacrifice" but at times like this when our economy is unsteady and our country is at war, it is my humble opinion that people are going to the movies precisely for that escape. Even if it is delusion, it gives us hope.
Perhaps that is why Slumdog Millionaire is nominated for 10 Oscars. Or it could be that this was just an excellent movie. I recoiled seeing the orphans of Mumbai running through poverty stricken slums and miles of trash. I laughed at the innocence of the children. I believed in the main character's honesty and devotion. I tapped my feet along with the incredible soundtrack. And I hoped for a happy ending.
I highly recommend you seeing this. It will open your eyes to a world you are unlikely to have seen before. It will impress you with its story interweaving with a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire subplot. And if you are anything like me, it will have you walking out of the theater with a smile a mile wide plastered across your face... and just maybe, a little Bollywood dance in your step.


Gran Torino

I won't mince words here. I had zero interest in seeing this movie. Clint Eastwood in a grumpy old man role? None for me, thanks. But sometimes a girl has to let her man have his way and so I watched it. Begrudgingly.
The beginning of this movie is not the easiest thing to sit through. Hell, the whole movie is unsettling at best. Eastwood's character is a surly widower who also has the added joy of being a racist. His neighborhood is being over taken by Hmong immigrants and he is none too pleased about it. It's not just the immigrants, there are gang members and disrespectful teens to boot. It's a very realistic and upsetting commentary about the current state of affairs in American neighborhoods everywhere.
I really don't want to give away too much of the plot and really make an effort to not do so in my reviews. Let me just say that Gran Torino covers the spectrum of emotions one expects out of a solid film. It was everything one could hope to get out of a movie viewing: I laughed, cried, cringed. I felt so many things - good and bad. And after the movie was over, it stayed with me. It made me think.
What it boils down to is - Clint Eastwood knows how to make an excellent movie. Don't believe me? Watch Million Dollar Baby. I hold both of these films with the same high regard.


6th Picture Haiku Friday

From Sassy.
Here are the rules:
6th Picture Meme!
1.Go to your Picture Folder on your computer or wherever you store your pictures.
2.Go to the 6th Folder, then pick the 6th picture in that folder.
3.Post that picture on your blog and the story that goes along with the picture.

Ball at Fisherman's Wharf

Buzz and I walking
With Kiyah last Saturday
Exploring the 'hood
The Fisherman's Wharf
BFF & I - Spudnuts
Our high school hangout
See the graffiti?
It's there on the rusty ball
That is so Oxnard



I have never really watched a ton of it. I would make time for Jeopardy! on the phone with Crusty when we were yewts. There were few scattered programs I really enjoyed but I never really got sucked into the big shows. 24? Nah. I don't have the attention span. Lost? Too scary.
Last semester? I developed the perfect schedule for evening TV viewing:
Monday - How I Met Your Mother
Tuesday - House
Wednesday - Bones
Thursday - Must See TV - The Office and 30 Rock
Sunday - Fox's cartoon line-up. Natch.
When my old man's up for the weekend we spend a lot of time watching football or HD nature programs or the Food Network... basically anything he wants to watch because I dub him king of the remote when he's home.
However? This semester my TV line up is all jacked up, yo! And do you know who is the culprit? The swill that is American Fucking Idol.
Now? Bones is on Thursday. I can work it out that I watch it before The Office and 30 Rock BUT this week is a 2 hour special and the two networks collide!
House is on Monday but that messes with HIMYM!
It's a tragedy, people! I refuse to succumb to the DVR. I won't do it. But this? This fumbling of scheduling? Is precisely why I will watch re-runs of Family Guy on TBS ad nauseum as well as multiple past episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos. Oh, Tom Bergeron. How you delight me.



I have been driving the New VW Beetle for almost ten years now. I had a lease before I purchased Vehicular. It is a wee car that fits my personality and lifestyle to a T. It is very compact and feels like I'm driving in a bubble. The windshield feels at least five feet away. I love it.
What I don't love, however, is that the New VW Beetle is apparently invisible to other cars on the road. I seem to be in a state of permanent blind spot. People cut me off left and right and I'm constantly having to jam on the brakes or swerve to avoid impact.
Such a scenario occurred yesterday on my way to school. Yup. Yesterday was my first day of school. As if I wasn't all nerves already, I'm driving down the back road to campus (it's basically all farm land) where people drive way too fast. I'm one of them so I'm not judging. The light has just turned yellow and I'm minding my own business in my own lane when the mother-effing Orkin man whips into my lane. He cut me off so close that I had to slam on my brakes and nearly stalled the car.
What in the hell? My favorite part about this story is that I literally ended up right behind him at the next light so it was totally worth it to almost hit me. Know what was on the back of his truck bed? The 1-800 number asking how he is driving. And oh so conveniently placed right next to that number is the truck ID number.
Know what I did? I tattled. I called and tattled on the awful driving habits of the Orkin man.
Do you know why? He deserved it. I'm sick and effing tired of constantly driving on the defense and having to be 100% alert at all times knowing that I will inevitably be in a collision thanks to someone else's shitty driving.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Don't drive like a dick and have the nerve to ask "How is my driving?"


Barack Obama Day

Is it just me or has this become much more than an Inauguration Day? I saw some commercials last night on CBS and I think Obama has surpassed his presidency even before he has been sworn in. Don't get me wrong, I voted for Barack Obama and I completely support him. I think he is charismatic and intelligent and has the right stuff to unite a country that is in desperate need of some cohesion.
But when did he become a celebrity? Sometimes when I see these all of these singers and actors getting ready to celebrate him home, I wonder if Obama hasn't just become "one of them" - like a political Speidi.
I guess maybe prior to this, the presidency wasn't such a pop culture spectacle. Or perhaps I just wasn't paying attention. I just hope all the hoopla doesn't cloud the reality of it all. This man is walking into a huge disaster. There is a lot riding on his shoulders. People expect miracles from him. In reality? He's just a man that needs to clean up the mess a moron left before him. Just like when a coworker quits and you move into his desk - a thorough cleaning and a whole lot of catch up needs to be done before Barack Obama becomes the second coming of Christ.
He's not a miracle worker, people. He's not a celebrity. He is the President of the United States of America.


MLK Jr. Day

  • I'm at work.
  • I do not recommend PS3's Maternational Championship
  • My new boyfriend is Mike Rowe.
  • Sunday morning at the park is hard to beat.
  • 80 degree weather in January only sounds good.
  • I walked for miles and miles on Saturday.
  • I have every intention of seeing Paul Blart Mall Cop after work.


Haiku Friday

Oh my god! A bug!
He crawled across my keyboard
So I killed him dead!
Smacked him really good
I used my spiral notebook
All carcass and guts
Moment of silence
God rest his little pieces
Don't fuck with Randi


Transient Ischemic Attack

Commonly known as: Mini Strokes

My Grandpa is having these. He was admitted into the hospital on Tuesday for evaluation and testing and should be released this afternoon. I went to visit him last night. While he looks better than I've seen him look in a while and talked more than I have heard him talk in ages, he is clearly not the man he used to be. It was awful watching him try to make himself comfortable on the adjustable bed, using a triangle on a chain to lift himself into an upright position. He asked where "Mike" was and let's just say that's not Buzz's real life name though both of them do have four letters. He was convinced he wasn't being released but the nurses already told my mom he would be. Confusion.
This is a very weird time for me. I have never in my life been a part of watching a family member deteriorate both physically and mentally. My dad's folks lived in North Dakota and we just weren't super close so when they died I wasn't particularly affected. I knew my his mother had Alzheimer's but there wasn't enough contact to really see how it was affecting her. I know my mom's mom is as nutty as a fruitcake, but even though that's her character, I can see old age is winning its battle. It's slowly claiming both of my mother's parents' memories and their abilities to function independently.
So that's that. Not much else to say. I just thought I'd jot this down. I can only pray that they both make it to my wedding... it's so close and I can't imagine the huge void I would feel if they weren't there to watch me walk down the aisle. Not that it's all about me, of course... but it is how I'm feeling.



Since we are on the topic of new year's resolutions, I thought I'd blog a bit today about my weight. I know I have a whole other blog devoted to this very subject but guess what. They're both my blogs! So I can do whatever I want!
Phew. Glad we got that out of the way.
My battle with the bulge has gone back for ages. When I was younger and weighing a mere 150 pounds, I thought I was fat. In February of 2005, when I began blogging, I weighed 165.5 pounds and thought I was fat. Since then, it has been a vicious cycle of gaining and losing ten pounds here and ten pounds there. Now, I'm in the high 180s. The difference is, I don't think I'm fat.
I credit age and Prozac to this current mode of thought. I'm not fat. If anything, I'm overweight. I can stand to lose a few (or forty but who's counting?) and gain some muscle tone but my reflection doesn't disgust me. I'm at the baby making age. These hips will come in handy when I have a pregnant belly to support or a wee one propped on my side. My softness is the exact ingredient needed for a good old fashioned cuddle. My ample rear? Well it cushions my fall when I speed off a wet slide and glide through the air to land on my rump.
So though I would like nothing more than to get down to 150 pounds for my wedding so that I will be a breathtaking bride, I refuse to beat myself up or call my names in the meantime. Know why? Because I love me for me. Not for my reflection. And if I love me for me, you'll love me, too - regardless of what the scale says. And so ends today's cheese.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: The new "F" word is fat. Don't use it or I'll wash your mouth out with soap!


Confessional Tuesday

The month isn't halfway over and I'm already revising my new year's resolutions. I have learned that a lack of booze or puffin' makes me slightly tightly wound. On Friday night, one work week of "sobriety," we went to order my wedding invitations. At the risk of sounding like a bridezilla, I sort of threw a bit of a tantrum over getting my way on a ribbon I liked. Then apparently I frightened the stationery lady into thinking I was verbally abusing my mother. Either way, Buzz was told by my mother to "get me home and calm me down" and Buzz himself even suggested getting a couple beers in me so I could "relax."
Hmm... I was sort of proud of myself that I'd gone Monday morning through Friday evening without partaking in the smoking of a certain substance and not drinking beers at home. On Thursday night I do dinner with the Golden Girls (aka Ma & Gran) and I had only one wee Cadillac margarita. Normally, I'd order a large or end up having a second. Not me though. Nope. I was being good.
But I decided, with the help of my fiancé, that quitting everything cold turkey in addition to dieting, does not make for a very enjoyable me. So I decided that smoking on the weekends is ok. Having a few beers on the weekend is ok. What's not ok is the imbibing of such treats on a daily basis. On that note, I was actually quite well behaved all weekend - a couple glasses of wine on Saturday night and a few beers throughout the day on Sunday. I think I deserve a gold star.


Book Review Monday

Just because I didn't post the review last week, didn't mean I slacked off on my book-a-week goal. It took me forever to get through Dean Koontz's The Darkest Evening of the Year because, and I'm not going to mince words here, this book was mediocre at best. When I was younger I read every Koontz book I could get my hands on as fast as I could. After I read everything I could borrow from a friend or purchase in paperback, I would anxiously anticipate the time each year his most recent hardcover would be released in the cheaper paperback form. Library? Yeah... Not for me. I still have an entire bookshelf devoted to my collection of his work. I even have a couple of the books he wrote for kids in hardcover. I loved Dean Koontz.
After reading Evening, I realize somewhere along the way, I must have outgrown him. Could it be that I have read so many excellent books by such a variety of writers that I'm jaded toward the very author I turned to for entertainment throughout my youth? I think the answer is yes. It took 345 pages to capture my interest. The book is 461 pages long. That is not a good thing. Koontz simply uses too many words to embellish the smallest, most insignificant details. What should be a subtle hint of the macabre is too blatantly evil - the dialogue between the "bad guys" is so bad it is practically comical. He builds the back stories of several characters just to eliminate them, why waste your reader's time? The climax - if you can even call that - is too neatly wrapped up and left me deeply dissatisfied.
Ultimately, Dean Koontz has a predictable formula to each of his books that essentially boils down to a dog, a lead character with a past and a romantic interest. It has just become so tiresome. I can honestly say this will likely be the last Dean Koontz book I crack. Luckily, it was purchased with a gift card and I didn't waste my heard earned coin on such drivel.


Family Drama Haiku Friday

Sometimes family sucks
Selfish, unappreciative
And time consuming
Know what else sucks ass?
Family plus wedding planning
Everyone's two cents
So take a deep breath
And remember there's love
Now kiss and make up

Quote of the day: "Women are not people, they are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment." - Peter Griffin via my Family Guy desktop one-a-day calendar.


THC Withdrawal

While I haven't missed the beer nearly as much as I thought I might, smoking dope has been a completely different story altogether. Now you chime in: "It's been a completely different story."
Never mind.
I find that while I used to be entertained for hours by Scrabble games on the computer and random television, my evenings seem a bit more boring now. My programs don't seem to have the same pizazz. On the plus side - I haven't had the desire for late night snacks and junk food. Mostly I stopped smoking dope because of the munchie factor and my desire to drop the pounds before the wedding. I also have absolutely no memory and that concerns me. But I love it. I love smoking dope. There. I said it. Cuff me.
The worst "side effect" so far has been the oh-so-vivid dreams. Good lord. Last night I dreamed I was hanging out with the ex that dumped me when I was about 22 years old. He had just separated from his wife and was spending his birthday alone. I knew I was engaged and I knew if someone were to see us together there'd be trouble. Sure enough, his entire family came by. Then my family did. Then I was transported to Carriage Square which is now little more than abandoned buildings. I was being shot at by semi-automatic weapons out of the back of a Ford van. You know the kind - no windows, boxy, very 70s kidnapper van. Then I'm in Bakersfield checking out a house for my brother's friend Freddy Brown and I have no shirt on so I'm constantly trying to cover my boobies...
Yeah. That's all. I miss the cannabis. It hasn't even been 4 whole days.


Look Away

The other day at the local Arco gas station, a guy resembling the gentleman in the photograph I've posted was going from car to car soliciting spare change from the paying patrons at the pump. I hate this. I really do. I mean, I get it, but I really don't like being a part of it. What I dislike more, though, is that I was inside my vehicle talking on the telephone clearly making an effort to avoid eye contact with this vagrant. Did that stop him from tapping on my window and asking me for change more than once even though I clearly mouthed the word NO? The answer is no. It did not stop him.
BFF warned me when I got to New York for the first time to not make eye contact with anyone on the street during my stay as it would only lead to trouble. Know what? She has a point. A week or so ago there was another dude walking around the parking lot of Vons. Mind you, it was well after dark and I could sense he was up to no good. I did my best to avoid eye contact but he got me! He asked for help and I asked if he needed directions. No, he told me, he had an office in Ventura (whatever that means) and was looking for people who wanted to make some extra money. I declined and bee-lined toward the car. Is that really the best way to recruit employees? Was he a pimp? I don't get it and I don't want to be a part of it.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Keep your eyes on the prize and the bad will pass you by.


TMI Tuesday: Would you rather...

1. Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don't get along with?
I would rather be on the island with someone I disliked or didn't get along with initially because eventually that pettiness would have to be put aside and we would use teamwork to hunt and build our shelter. Plus... if we bickered at least we'd be talking and thinking and actively interacting. Keeps the crazies away...
2. Would you rather accidentally walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?
I think I would rather that neither of these things happen EVER! It's bad enough my Ma saw me full frontal flash my fiance when we were all on a weekend away together. Then again, she used to wipe my butt... I have a feeling she's probably desensitized to anything involving my naked body. Yeah... they can walk in on me. I would like to retain my eyesight.
3. Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car with out any underwear?
Nipple slip. I don't see nothing wrong with a little booby action but the cookie should be for his eyes only.
4. Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the Internet for two years?
I'd take a pass on the Internet. I can't believe I'm saying this, but there used to be a time when we all got along just fine without it. In my lifetime as a matter of fact! There were letters in the mail instead of emails, libraries instead of Google, paper maps that could never again be refolded properly instead of MapQuest and encyclopedias instead of Wikipedias.
5. Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?
True love. Have you heard of all those folks that win the lottery and end up with an unhealthy dose of bad luck? None for me thanks. I'd rather work hard for my money. So hard honey honey.
Bonus (as in optional): If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
Missionary. So I could look into his eyes. Man... that made me throw up in my mouth a lil bit.

Questions are from here.


Thank God, It's Monday Day

  • Rock Band 2 on PS3 has changed my life.
  • I am now a fan of the Food Network
  • I can't stand the Iron Chef Chairman.
  • Planet Earth on HD Discovery Channel is amazing.
  • Per my new year's resolution, we hiked this weekend.
  • I am on a quest to find the world's best chicken fried steak.
  • I have 20 weeks to lose 40 pounds.
  • Today is day 1 of my sobriety.
  • Pajamas and elastic waistbands are my best friends.
  • Being back to the real world schedule? No thanks.


First Haiku Friday of 2009

Rang in the new year
Under a blanket of fog
Toasting with champagne
I should be at work
But took the day off to chill
Start the new year right
Some resolutions
And goals for two thousand nine
I dub this "Our Year"


White Slaves and Madams and Pimps, OH MY!

In August of 2007 I read a book called The Devil in the White City. It was my first foray into nonfiction books written like novels. Since I enjoyed it so much, I threw Sin in the Second City onto my wish list. BFF sent it to me for Christmas and I just finished reading it. This book is about the Everleigh sisters, Minna and Ada, two madams who ran a famous brothel in Chicago in the early 1900s. Their courtesans - the Everleigh Butterflies - were part of an exclusive club that didn't allow the drug use, alcohol abuse and robberies normally associated with prostitution. They were afforded the best medical care, gourmet meals and glamorous attire. They would recite poetry to their "boys" and made more money than any other whores at the time.
This book focuses a lot on the underbelly of the world's oldest profession - the corrupt politicians, paid off policemen, and the pimps who protected all of them. No story would be complete without an antagonist so of course we have the reformists show up to ruin the party. There's nothing like a Puritancial goody-two shoes to rain on a parade. When these two worlds collide it is really rather interesting. I had no real knowledge of this particular part of American history and I have to say, it was worth the read.
That's three books in three weeks. Sup?!?!