11.28.2008

Haiku Black Friday

Me? At the mall? No.
Never have been nor will be
Not on Black Friday
***
Used to work retail
Mandatory shift that day
Oh. My. God. Nightmare.
***
Screw saving money
I'm saving my sanity
Well... what's left of it.

11.26.2008

Incredibly Bad Thanksgiving Poetry

Rain, rain - go away
For tomorrow's Turkey Day

Buzz and I will be on the road
Heading toward the mother load

Thanksgiving with Beanie and Miggie
Celebratin' Friday - gettin' jiggy

Santa Rosa here we come
For some food and some fun

Hope your tryptophan works fast
Spend the day on your ass

Watching football with the boys
Come on Cowboys - make some noise!

MORAL OF THAT STORY: I lack inspiration and thus am little more than BFF's follower.

11.25.2008

TMI Tuesday

1. What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
I would have to say I love it all but if you are serving yams (sweet potatoes) with melted and toasty marshmallows on top I might have to kiss you on the mouth.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
If I had to pick a man, Billy Corgan (Sorry, Maine). If I had to pick a woman it'd have to be Alanis Morissette.
3. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I'm going to apply it to the wedding rings we have on layaway!
4. What is your favorite curse word?
Hands down - FUCK but really I love all of them as if they were my own.
5. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
I think I would go back in time and make sure the Floridians didn't fuck up their tallies so Al Gore could have spent the last 4 years as our president instead of that other dipshit. A war could have been cut short and the economy could possibly not be in the shitter. Who knows, maybe all of the United States would be green by now.
Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
The ability to blink and be in another location instantaneously. Hello more frequent visits to friends, goodbye long and costly flights!

Questions are from here.

11.24.2008

WALL·E

I will be the first to admit that I had no desire to see this movie when it was in the theater. I don't know why... maybe it was WALL·E's resemblance to the robot in Short Circuit. Either way? I didn't go to see it in the theater but I did watch my ma's DVD.
Can I just say that I was totally wrong about judging WALL·E by his appearance? It turns out he's the cutest darn robot west of the Mississippi. And EVE is Angelina Jolie animated robot style... At least in my opinion.
The first half of the movie is pretty much without dialogue though sound effects are a plenty. Even with a limited vocabulary, WALL·E captured this cold, black heart of mine. Need proof? I wept at the end. There. I said it. I wept.
And naturally for Pixar, John Ratzenberg voices a character. Of all the people in the world, I wonder how they picked Cliff Clavin. Sigourney Weaver is the ship's voice and she sounds just like a lullaby. Such a handsome woman.
Anywho, this disjointed blog post is a very serious recommendation. Buy the dang DVD. You won't regret it.

11.23.2008

Happy Birthday Crusty!

crusty & princess randi
I know this was from my birthday...
a loooong time ago... But we look hot.
Go wish her a happy happy.

P.S. SIX MONTHS TIL MY WEDDING!

11.21.2008

Kings Won Haiku Friday

Hockey and fighting
Those two things go hand in hand
It gets me amped up
***
Overzealous "guards"
Confiscating my zoom lens
Like it was a bomb
***
Not letting me pee
Stupid bitch "fan" I had to
Tell "Shut the fuck up!"

11.20.2008

Because My Fiance Is Funny

"Two Disney Characters, animated for children, formed into ceramic, meant to dispense seasoning. But, through isolation comes... unrequited love. Love that knows not the bounds of forbidden inter species attraction, and thrives without regard of what Tigger might think. Because he isn't bouncing anywhere near.... "Brokeback Stovetop"

So Wrong

11.19.2008

A Delectable Fall Dessert

Moose's wife made this Apple Crisp for our engagement party while we were in Michigan. I made it myself this past weekend and it's just so yummy I have to share.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 13x19 pan.

Peel and thinly slice approximately 6 large apples until you have 8 cups of apple slices. I used green Granny Smith apples and they were absolutely delicious.
Combine your apple slices with the following ingredients and evenly distribute them in the pan:
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. nutmeg
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup flour

Blend the following ingredients until crumbly:
1 cup flour
1-1/2 cups packed brown sugar
1 cup rolled oats
1-1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1-1/2 tsp. nutmeg
2/3 cup softened butter

Spread the crumble over the apples and bake for approximately 30-35 minutes or until the apples are tender. Serve with vanilla ice cream and it will resemble this:
In the haste of preparing dinner and dessert for 8 in our tineh apartment, I accidentally baked this scrumptious concoction with the pan covered in tin foil. It took away the "crisp" aspect of the desert but didn't take away from the taste. To "fix" what I'd done, I baked uncovered for another 5 minutes and my, did mouths water.
MORAL OF THAT STORY: There is such a thing as a happy accident.

11.18.2008

I Got Nothin'...

1. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?
What a fascinating question! Finance did just this weekend. Weird.
2. On a scale from 1-10, how comfy are you being naked?
At my own home? 10. In front of people I'm not intimate with? 1.
3. What is the longest you've ever been celibate after having lost your virginity?
Probably a few months. I'm a serial monogamist. Or? A whore. Not sure who keeps track of this sort of thing though...
4. Have you ever had sex in a car? If yes, since you were a teenager?
Yes I have but not since I was a teenager as since then I have acquired this thing called dignity.
5. When did you last use food or drink as medication?
Um... always? I eat because I'm unhappy, I'm unhappy because I eat. Oh, Fat Bastard. Thanks for the inspiration.

Bonus: Name three words that:
a) get you excited --- Dessert, Beer, Money
b) make you squirm --- Twat, Eyeball, Vein
c) make you laugh --- Didgeridoo, Tickle, Fart
Not sure if that was sposeda be 3 words for each or 3 total. My blog? My rules.

Questions from here.

11.17.2008

An Open Letter

Dear hoodlums in my 'hood,
I could see if you were actually creating some sort of work of art with your graffiti but as far as I can tell? That shit just looks like chicken scratch. And do you really think you are a bad ass if you're tagging the sidewalk so far from the street on a sidewalk inches from the beach? There's clearly no way the police or anyone will see you or catch you so I'm not sure there's even a thrill to it. All I know is that my walk is ruined because you're scrawling all over the place - benches, fences, you name it, your stupid, misspelled gang name is on it.
And speaking of benches? Whomever is stealing the bronze memorial plates on the benches lining the oceanfront should be ashamed of themselves. Why not just start grave robbing? Families spend their good money to commemorate a loved one and then you steal their gorgeous plaque, sell it for scrap metal and then I'm assuming smoke the money you made from it. Fucktards. And the people buying those to melt them down? You're just fucking jerks. Period. Have you no shame?
Anyway I guess all I want to say to you is: keep our beaches clean and fuck your mother.
xoxo,
Randi

11.14.2008

Xoloitzcuintli (show-low-eats-quint-lee) Haiku Friday


Mexican Hairless
That's an ugly dog, you guys
Looks like a hell hound
***
Skin like warm leather
Mr. Bigglesworth - dog style
Sort of repulsive
***
Thank you to Craigslist
We got ourselves a Dogloo
And a freak show, too.
The "New" Igloo


P.S. Happy birthday, Moo Lady. 61. Damn, you're old but still sexy as ever.
My Nephew's Year 2 Portrait

11.13.2008

Reef Endorsement

If you're like most of the Southern Californian men I know, you drink and you like to wear flip flops. Last weekend I purchased two quality products that would suit you perfectly if you find yourself fitting in both categories:

Reef Dram


Your eyes do not deceive you. There is a compartment built into the sole of this flip flop where you can store liquor. A flask of a shoe, if you will. It comes with funnel and a key as well. Perfect for a long flight if you're too cheap to foot the bill for a cocktail. See what I did there? Foot the bill? Never mind.

Reef Fanning

This bad boy has a built in bottle opener on its sole. As Buzz and I messily discovered, however, it is advised you remove the shoe when you put it to work. If you decide to do a crane stance or open the bottle while seated, the perpendicular angle of the bottle will cause it to explode and foam all over your living room carpet. Or so I hear...

So there you have it! Two gift ideas for the upcoming holiday season. No need to thank me, this is what I was born to do.

11.12.2008

Progress or Regress?

Lately I have been seeing machines like these popping up all over the place. The first time was at my local Ralph's grocery store. That experience was less than satisfactory. I noticed that there was not a single checker in the lanes but there was one woman manning four of these self-service check out stations. Needless to say, the people checking themselves out were no less than frustrated to realize they had to help themselves on a machine that was completely foreign to them. Sure, the touch screen gave directions but who wants to deal with that first thing in the morning? I hadn't even had a cup of coffee yet, my brain sure as hell wasn't functioning at full speed. When I commented on how ridiculous it was to not have checkers, I was told the manager wanted to try it this way and I pretty much swore I wouldn't go back. And you guys know my word is bond. Yeah right.
This weekend, we went to The Home Depot to buy spray paint for the used Dogloo XT we purchased via craigslist for more than half off! On a Saturday, long lines are pretty much commonplace so we went to the self checkout willingly. But? What sense does that make when you need to show the checker your ID before you can leave the store with spray cans? No sense at all. I still needed human assistance.
And Monday? I went back to the Ralph's I'd swore I wouldn't return to because I wanted to bring some snacks into the office. I checked myself out without throwing a fit and lo and behold, I get an error message on the damn checkout machine that I needed to retrieve my change from the checker. Oh so futuristic yet I still need the assistance of an actual, living, breathing cashier. What the fuck is the point?

MORAL OF THAT STORY: If I wanted to ring my own groceries, I'd work at a grocery store.

11.11.2008

Happy Veteran's Day

I think a lot of people, just like me, are just thrilled to have a day off of work or school. But we can't forget that there is a reason the rest of us get to chill today - Veteran's Day.
I am the fiancee of a veteran. I am the daughter of a veteran. I am the granddaughter of a veteran. Who knows? Someday I may be the mother of a veteran.
Today is a very important day and I hope you take the time to say thank you to someone you know who served their country selflessly to protect our freedom and basic rights.
We may not support the war, but remember to support the troops.

11.10.2008

Happy Birthday, Curtis!

A happy 27th birthday goes out to my "little" brother today.
Happily married and a father. Unbelievable. He's a man.
Mom, Brother, Gran - Old Photos
Jesus Christ I feel old.
I think I totally take after my Gran though...
a beer bottle in every shot.

11.09.2008

Zack & Miri Make a Porno

After a month's hiatus, I finally made it back to the movies yesterday. I was hesitant to see Zack and Miri Make A Porno because I am just not a huge fan of Kevin Smith's movies. I find Kevin Smith as a person to be really interesting and hilarious but his movies tend to be a bit too chatty for my liking. And even though I cuss like a sailor, it sometimes makes me cringe to hear excessive amounts of foul language in a movie. I know. I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma. What can I say?
I finally folded and went to see Zack and Miri because my mother and father, both in their 60s, saw it before me and I can't have them being hipper than I am. Also? I love Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks. The Apatow Connection is strong in this film but not strong enough to make me love it. I definitely laughed and enjoyed myself but some of the scenes just didn't have the oomph they needed. I guess you can sum this movie up by saying it's a love story for guys that love titties and sexual references. I have to say, though, Justin Long and Craig Robinson of The Office fame really steal the show. I'd say they made it worth the price of a matinee admission.

11.07.2008

Lucky 7 Haiku Friday

Thank God it's Friday
It has been a crazy week
I think I am spent
***
First was the time change
Then the president elect
And of course Prop 8
***
I can't forget school,
Work, taking care of my home
Where does the time go?

11.06.2008

Prop 8

Might as well address the elephant in the room and get off this political blogging high I have been on for the past... forever. As some of you may or may not know, Proposition 8 - an amendment to the California Constitution eliminating the rights for same sex couples to marry - has passed. It passed with 52.5% of the votes. You heard me correctly. Just over half. 47.5% of California voters said NO. I am sure this is not the end of this matter as it is clear the "majority" did not rule.

I'm not sure what to say about this. I'm thrilled Americans came together and voted an African American into the presidency. However, that elation is not nearly as high now that I know while most people may no longer be racist, they are still homophobes. The idea that Prop 8 will "restore" or "protect" marriage is absolutely absurd. The divorce rate is still somewhere between 40 and 70% in the United States. Infidelity is rampant. Multiple marriages are not unheard of. Clearly there is some sort of gay agenda or gay cult we should all be terrified of.

But really? Who decides to be gay? Who looks at the newspaper or the television and thinks "You know, that's the lifestyle for me."? Being gay is not a choice. It is not something you decide. It is inherent and it is HARD. Let's face it. Bigotry against homosexuals is blatant as is discrimination. And for those minorities that voted for Prop 8? How dare you. How. Dare. You. You of all people should be sympathetic to the very hardships homosexuals face in today's society.

So that's that. I'm going to get back to the light stuff now. I just wanted to voice my piece of mind. I'm extremely saddened that I have an uncle that needed to leave the United States to marry his boyfriend. When will the United States really practice what it preaches in its equal rights amendment? "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex."

Please read this blog entry by one of my favorite gays. It's very well written.

11.05.2008

Obama Is President!

We did it! What a monumental occasion. History in the making. Whatever the cliches are they just seem to be so real today. I cannot express in mere words the pride I feel to be an American voter today. Katie Couric was getting on my last nerve last night with her consistent playing of the race card and her vapid smile so I switched over to CNN and got my news from the divine Anderson Cooper. I applaud John McCain for his speech requesting unity at this time. I was so disappointed in the crowd booing Obama's win. Obama. Just typing that name puts a smile on my face. His speech gave me chills. Hearing the crowd repeat after Obama "Yes We Can" was practically a religious awakening for me. Last night I felt proud of the voters that came out and stood in long lines. I felt so pleased that the apathy of today's youth seemed to have been lifted for at least this very important election. I feel hope today. Hope for a better country. To think that we have an African American president is such a sign of the times. But aside from his race, Obama is simply a spectacular man and I put my faith in him completely and look forward to supporting his presidency for at least the next four years.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Yes We Can. Voting does work.

11.04.2008

Bad Luck

Have you ever just had a string of dumb things happen and not know why or if there is an end to the stupidity in sight?
So far I have...
  • Broken one of my favorite figurines
  • Gotten a C on my test (unacceptable)
  • Totally ruined breakfast (don't ask)
  • Torn a hole in my sock and thus in my foot
  • Broken two watches in two consecutive days
Let's see if together we can't break the string of bad things happening. Please remember to Barack the Vote and vote NO on Proposition 8.

11.03.2008

Feeling Patriotic

  • Please remember to VOTE tomorrow
  • That would be No on 8 and Yes for Obama
  • The American flag is not a decoration, it is a symbol of our great nation. If the flag you are flying is tattered, it is time to retire it. If you use our country's flag to make your campaign poster pop, make sure that flag isn't lying on the muddy ground or my fiance will want to beat your ass and I will support him.
  • Here is a link to Flag Rules and Regulations.
I pledge allegiance to the Flag
of the United States of America,
and to the Republic for which it stands:
one Nation under God, indivisible,
With Liberty and Justice for all.

11.02.2008

HAPPY 31ST BIRTHDAY, BFF!!!

BFF & Me
God wanted today to be long for you.
Don't forget to fall back.
Go wish BFF a happy happy. Now.