3.26.2008

CAUTION! Drama Ahead.

I guess you can call it a personality flaw. My insecurity. My need to make sure that everyone is happy all the time. My desire to be there for everyone at any time and to know that I am needed. That I need to have structure, schedules and plans. That I tend to put the needs of others ahead of my own. That I tend to predict an ideal and imaginary future without really taking real life and monkey wrenches into account. Some people are eternally pessimistic and tend to err on the side of caution with worst case scenarios. Me? I think everything is going to be great and that there is no way anything can go wrong. Not only do I think it? I run off at the mouth and tell everyone how convinced I am that I am right. Inevitably, as they always do, things go wrong. And when they go wrong, I am the one that ends up looking like an ass.
Beer? Yeah, I have been drinking it. Dieting? Not so much. Exercising? Nope, not that either. Homework? Hardly. I feel like I make these huge declarations aloud in order to set a goal for myself yet somehow I seem to constantly fall short of my goals and expectations. It's only a matter of time before I fall on my ass or quit or fail. And right now? I just want to be alone. Focus on me. Put me and my needs first. How on earth can I be there for everyone else when I can't even be there for myself?

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Don't count your chickens before they hatch. You never know when a coyote will sneak into your coop and devour those sons of bitches.

2 comments:

Andrea said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, chicky. Take some time to just be and to breathe and to be with you and you'll sort things out. But you have to do so without beating yourself up. Stop that immediately. I mean it.

Lisa..... said...

Don't I know that! Nursing is all about taking care of other people....and thinking about me last. As the youngest in the family I was often the peacemaker, the people pleaser, if you will. But the older I get I learn, it's like when your on an airplane. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first, then your kids. Because if your not okay, their not going to be okay. Take some time for you.