Dear Uterus,
Hi. It's the rest of the body talking. We hate you and want you to leave. There really is no two ways about it. For years you have been giving me nothing but problems. You used to make me puke when I was wee and now you just annoy the ever living shit out of me. Why must you taunt me so? Do you like making me bleed? Do you like making me double over in pain? Is it not enough that the cramps you create destroy my abdominal area that you had to spread them to my lower back and upper thighs? Really?
I have slowly been trying to drug you to death with Naproxen and birth control. You sure know how to take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. When the birth control decided you were invincible it started giving me migraines on a fairly regular basis. Since the sexin' stopped, so did the pill and here you are again, rearing your nasty head. You're all but useless to me. I don't see you giving me babies any time soon so until then why don't you take a long walk off a short cliff.
I don't know who shit in your Cheerios, but I am tired of getting the brunt of your bullshit. Stop lashing out at me once a month and get down to the source of your issues and handle them. Why don't you pick on someone your own size, you big bully?
Queen of the Menses

Random Act of Kindness

I work with a guy and his last name is Bytheway. We have BTW on his mail box. He bought me this mammoth from, well, Mammoth. Nice right? Thank God for Aleve and stuffed animals or today would have been a pisser.


So Silly

Crusty sent this to me a while ago but I just now got around to seeing it for the first time. I definitely LOL'd.


Melancholy Haiku Friday

The Circle of Life
Friends and family rotating
One goes out, one in
Need finality
I have to say some goodbyes
Can't and won't linger
You can please some of
The people sometimes but not
All peeps always, right?


Love Thursday, HNT... Whatever

My Best Vanna
Today I choose to love:

  • My sense of humor
  • My imperfections
  • My indecisiveness
  • My brutal honesty
  • My friendships
  • My family
  • My life


CAUTION! Drama Ahead.

I guess you can call it a personality flaw. My insecurity. My need to make sure that everyone is happy all the time. My desire to be there for everyone at any time and to know that I am needed. That I need to have structure, schedules and plans. That I tend to put the needs of others ahead of my own. That I tend to predict an ideal and imaginary future without really taking real life and monkey wrenches into account. Some people are eternally pessimistic and tend to err on the side of caution with worst case scenarios. Me? I think everything is going to be great and that there is no way anything can go wrong. Not only do I think it? I run off at the mouth and tell everyone how convinced I am that I am right. Inevitably, as they always do, things go wrong. And when they go wrong, I am the one that ends up looking like an ass.
Beer? Yeah, I have been drinking it. Dieting? Not so much. Exercising? Nope, not that either. Homework? Hardly. I feel like I make these huge declarations aloud in order to set a goal for myself yet somehow I seem to constantly fall short of my goals and expectations. It's only a matter of time before I fall on my ass or quit or fail. And right now? I just want to be alone. Focus on me. Put me and my needs first. How on earth can I be there for everyone else when I can't even be there for myself?

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Don't count your chickens before they hatch. You never know when a coyote will sneak into your coop and devour those sons of bitches.


She Did So Good, Y'all!

Do you think Sarah Chalke will end up being "mother" on How I Met Your Mother?
Is it slightly incestuous that she's hopping networks in these crossovers?
Or that she plays a doctor on both shows?
Did anyone else think that last nights episode was very Scrubs-esque?
Does anyone agree with me that Brit Brit made a nice come back?
Share with me!


#1 Weekend Movie Quote

"He's a dirty trash can
full of poop."
- Smudge from Surf's Up


We Have An Apatow Down!

Last time Buzz was here we had a nasty run in with this movie. I was as hyped about that one as I was about Drillbit Taylor. Once again, I was more sold by the cast than by the movie itself. Once again, I walked away a little disappointed. I just don't think PG-13 is the best format for the comedic genius Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow have to offer. Maybe it's because I am old and jaded and have a mouth a sailor would envy. Then again, maybe I am just one of those hipster/emo sort of people that think PG-13 is selling out. It's going "mainstream." It's similar to the way I felt watching Will Ferrell in Kicking and Screaming. It just ... wasn't great. Sure, I laughed. I just expected more. It's never a good feeling when I share the same opinion of a movie as some of the more popular critic sources in my neck of the woods but I will quote one of them when I tell you this:
"Wait for cable."


Good Haiku Friday

Golden Girls Dinner
Gran the crazy Italian
My mom, and yes, me
Yolanda’s owner
Recognizes all of us
One happy family
Gran’s Monday Night Girls
“All of them are dead you know”
Such a happy thought


Happy Pills HNT

Also what I commonly refer to as "breakfast."
Happy HNT




You see that there? That's what happens when you are backing out of a parking space as someone directly behind you is simultaneously backing out of their parking space and the two worlds collide. Dang. It figures that this would happen a mere 6 months from her being paid off. It figures this would happen right when I thought I had some money to spare to fix my tattoo. And it figures this would happen when I'm on my Prozac happy cloud and didn't think to really take down insurance info, etc. However, I take responsibility for this wee collision though I am sure it is a 50/50 sort of deal. You see, I was sort of looking at my phone and not really checking behind me as I threw her in reverse. So yeah. Unfortunately for me I am in a super little Beetle and she didn't stand a chance against a super big pickup truck. Said truck had zero damage other than a tiny little scratch on his shiny chrome bumper. And get this. The guy driving? His name was Jerry Garcia. Ha! You would think that would make him super chill but he was sort of raising his voice at me for not paying attention and accusing me of wanting to make it look like a hit and run. What. Ever. So I sent him on his merry way with a heavy heart because now my toy is broken.

MORAL OF THAT STORY: Look over both shoulders and behind you whilst backing up lest you too end up with $1300 worth of damage that could have totally been avoided.



Who did I think I was kidding? Seriously. Not only did I drink beer. I drank 4 beers. Three Black & Tans and a green Stella Artois. Steeeeeeeeellaaaaaaaa! I had to right? I mean... the stinkin' holiday basically revolves around drinking beer. Yeah. It was awesome. I really didn't have any intention of going out but I did and it was super fun and I was super wasted. Teehee. I even got the "Nice shamrocks" cat call from a random passerby. So seriously? The beer consumption hiatus is back on. No brewskies 'til Germany. Wunderbar!

And why not throw a TMI Tuesday in here while we're at it:
1. In the midst of a hangover have you ever promised to "never drink again?" How long until you broke that vow?
I make little bets with myself that I will go a certain period of time without drinking but I know that "never again" is simply not an option when it comes to me and the brewskies. See above.
2. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done while drinking (or not if it is really stupid) but thought it seemed like a good idea at the time?
Probably humping random strangers. Yah... that'd be the stupidest thing. Moon Tomahawk anyone?
3. On a scale of 1-10, where do you rate green beer?
My last beer of the night was a green beer and I definitely didn't turn my nose up at it. It's a beer for God's sake. What's not to love? TEN!
4. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't have (drunk or sober)?
I am ashamed to say that one St. Paddie's day of yore I made out with a stranger at a bar that had just won the "Guinness Chugging Contest." Someone had a camera and there is evidence of said kiss. The guy had Guinness stains all down the front of his shirt. The next day I was so sick I thought I was going to die. Go figure.
5. What is the stupidest thing you have ever seen a drunk do (besides driving a car)?
Cartwheel into a brick wall or puke over a 2nd story balcony onto someone else's patio.
Bonus (as in optional): How do you cure your hangover(s)?
Bloody Mary + Breakfast Burrito = Bliss


Kiss Me, I'm Not Irish!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you. I decided last week to cease imbibing of the beer until I get to Germany so this is going to be a rough day for me... To quote the beloved Lloyd Bridges in Airplane! "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking."
And yes. That is my magnificent rack. Regardless of how borderline inappropriate (if by "borderline" I mean "utterly") it may be to wear this shirt to work, I only get to rock it one day a year so there.


Support Your Local Troops!!!

Hooray! It's Time!

p.s. this is my 500th post.




Don't forget to vote! It's your last day to be the boss of Andrea...
and remember to do it twice so it sticks.

UPDATE: 17 of you voted. 58% (10 of you) said "Hells to the yes!!!" and the rest of you were on the fence with a maybe. I know for a fact more than 17 people read this silly blog o'mine. Tsk, tsk for not rocking the vote...

Andrea, the people have spoken. You are officially westward bound. I am the boss of you.

Must Have CDs Haiku Friday

She sounds like Sade
A lovely angelic voice
I am a huge fan
Sing-a-long drinking music
And an Irish brogue
Now the Scottish brogue
Gotta love the accents right?
A solid album


María Full of Grace

Normally I'm not one to throw up a movie review on a rental, needless to say a rental that is several years old. This is a Spanish language movie (also known as María, eres llena de gracia in Colombia) that we watched en mi clase de español yesterday afternoon. It was also a highly regarded independent film when it was released and Catalina Sandina Moreno (María) was nominated for the Best Actress Oscar that year. I see a lot of movies and I can honestly say that this is better than any blockbuster, high budget, star studded flick I have seen in a very long time. Mi profesora said that no one cast in this movie was a professional actor but I have no proof to substantiate that claim. If it's true, awesome, but the performances are solid regardless of their experience in acting. The movie is about Colombian female mules that smuggle cocaine into the U.S. by swallowing condensed drug capsules into their stomach. Clearly, this is a very vague summary as there are so many more fascinating layers than a simple drug smuggling movie but I don't want to give too much away. This film is surprisingly realistic and often times feels like a documentary. I would highly recommend you check it out. English subtitles are available on the DVD.


First Indiana Jones... Now This?

By the way... I'm totally not being sarcastic. I'm PUMPED. Here's Indy in case you haven't seen it.

Moral of the Story Hump Day

Do you all know of the license plate rings from local sporting goods stores that read "I'd rather be..." and then follow up with hiking or golfing or some other outdoorsy activity? Well when I was on campus about a week or so ago there was a student in a wheel chair pushing his way through the hallway. For some reason, when he passed me I turned around to get a second look. Look at me, gawking at the handicapable. On the back of said wheel chair was a sticker that read this:
I'd rather be...
MORAL OF THAT STORY: If the paraplegic is laughing, why aren't you?


Tattoo Tuesday


Ok, so I know it's not HNT so there should be no reason at all for my huge backside to be gracing the top of this post. However, the older picture I had of my "tramp stamp" is quite blurry and I had to retake one for the tattoo man. See, I am really disappointed in the way the tattoo on the left came out. Anyone care to take a stab at what that is supposed to be? Bueller? Well it's supposed to be orange fall leaves with an autumn sky behind it. It goes without saying that the "artist" clearly lacked skill.
So now I'm considering some retouching/cover-up work. It would appear that in order to bring sharpness, symmetry and recognizability (not bad for a made up word huh?) to this bad girl it's going to cost anywhere from two to three hundred big ones. Clams. Smackaroos. Bucks. You get the idea. It's not cheap.
My dilemma is this. I am going to Berlin in May for 12 days to celebrate my 31st birthday and the end of the semester and to simply go on a vacation with my bestest friends to see my favoritest uncle. Tickets weren't cheap and I doubt my stay will be either though I do get to room for free. So there's the big expense for the year. Also, I wouldn't mind making a trip to the right coast in the fall as well. But? I know I have money coming:

  • Refund check from the gubment arrives in September
  • Car payment is complete in October
  • Potential work bonus comes in November

Where am I going with this? Well I want your opinion. Since my Andrea Poll is already occupying poll space in the upper right hand corner of this blog (GO VOTE! though you have to do it twice for some reason...) I am going to rely on comments below to help me make my decision. Do I get this tattoo work done now and pay it off later or do I wait?


Monday Musings

So if it wasn't totally obvious, I had a guest all of last week. If you haven't figured out how to click on her link yet and if you still don't know who she is, I simply don't know what to tell you. I can't help the helpless I guess. We had a fantastically mellow time together, spent a lot of time taking pictures and meandering through Ventura County and Los Angeles. To say she was a perfect guest would be an understatement.
On Sunday we woke up in the wee dark hours of the morning to send her on her way. After I watched her PT Cruiser lights fade away as she departed from my apartment, I opened the seal on the air mattress and headed back upstairs for some more shut eye. When I awoke again I came downstairs to find a deflated bed and none of her luggage remaining. I stripped the sheets, folded the blankets, rolled up the mattress and it was as if she'd never been there. Suddenly, my living room area seems much larger and a lot more empty.
I know with the HNT and these recent posts it might be coming off that we are total "Lez-be-friends" (thanks, Dirk) but it's nothing like that. It is just so refreshing to be able to spend some quality time with such a solid lady. Since my gal pals are scattered across the United States, it's rare that I get to just run around and be silly with another person that shares my gender. There is definitely something to be said about new friends. I am so glad I get to add her Virginia-livin' ass to my list.
80s hair band Cinderella really sums it up nicely:

Yeah... cuz that's totally not gay. Don't forget to vote on the poll above Skurvy. Closes midnight Friday.


Sorta Sad Sunday

Something is rotten in the city of Oxnard.
-Randi's take on Shakespeare

Toothpaste will never be able to take your place.


Coincidence? I Think Not

There is an urban legend around these parts that the Eagle's song Hotel California is about the Camarillo State Hospital a.k.a. Cal State Channel Islands when it was crazy town. The Bell Tower bears a striking resemblance to the hotel above... dontcha think?

Hotel California


Foo Fighters Rock Haiku Friday

Andrea took me
We had a Sizzler dinner
Old dudes hit on us
Dave Grohl is Jesus
Running, screaming and singing
Triangle solo
Former home of Lakers, Kings
Vintage arena

via videosift.com


I Love My Mack HNT

Rum + Backrubs = Naughty
Os has a Mac theme going this week
but since I'm all about the sucky PC
I decided to feature my "mack" instead.
Pants optional indeed.
Happy HNT!


An Actual Post?

This ol' blog of mine has been desperately lacking in content for a while. I apparently am of the strong belief that my amazing photography skills alone will keep you interested in coming back but I really don't think that's why you're here. It's the voyeurism. It's so you can look into the happenings of my life and either gasp in horror or relate sympathetically... or maybe even laugh hysterically. At least... that's why I look at blogs.
Much has been happening but I am leaning toward keeping a photo journal of those sorts of momentous occasions on my flickr instead of throwing a picture up and calling it a post. I have a visitor in town and she is not only keeping me busy, but entertained. I'm 2 for 2 at meeting bloggers! Hooray! We were able to see most of Southern California in a matter of a few days. Lots of driving around and pointing out of landmarks. It has been a lot of fun and I was able to confirm last night that "the cross" is still standing in Ventura. I plan on returning later this week for a photo shoot.
As for the bleak little haiku that I posted last Friday, well, in a summary of only 5 words: I have a big mouth. I speak my mind and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I'm grateful for those closest to me that have come to accept this oft unpleasant aspect of my personality but I have come to learn that not all people are able to accept constructive criticism and more often than not I have to learn to keep my opinions to myself.

Moral of that story: When a problem comes around? I must zip it! *crack the whip* Zip it good!


I DID IT!!!!


Oh, Tiny Pony

I am a celebretard. Thank God Andrea is here and gave me a reason to go see these pregnant tiny ponies. Teehee.


Predictably Ferrell

The title of this post may lead you to believe this is a bad thing but for me it is the essence of joy. Do you know how much I love seeing a long anticipated movie starring my comedic idol on the night of its release? A lot. There. I said it.
Will Ferrell is so amazing. He could literally read me the phone book whilst making his classic faces and channeling his rage voice and I would pay to see it. That curly afro he's rocking is hilarious in and of itself. Stupid humor? It's definitely in surplus in Semi-Pro.
However, there were a lot more "touching" and "sincere" moments in this movie than in his prior films. Not that it's a bad thing, but it did seem to upset the flow a bit. Maybe the story of an underdog sports team requires those ingredients. But why did Woody Harrelson's character need a love interest? And why did it have to be the lady from ER? Some of it just didn't seem pertinent to the hilarity.
And just when you least expect it, here comes the bear. And the ridiculousness returns and all is well in the land of silly.