So this isn't the most upbeat post I've ever hit publish on but here goes. I am feeling big. Like bigger than ever. It's been a while since I used this blog to rant about my weight but I'm thinking maybe if I write it out I can deal with it. I'm an emotional eater. Shocking, I know. And man do I know the meaning of excess. Why have one beer when I can have three? Why have one Valentine's Day sugar cookie with buttery frosting when there are ten in the carton? Rather than get motivated and say, do homework or hit the gym, I sit and fill this void of mine with calories. Lots and lots of calories. Whilst reclining on a LaZBoy couch. WTF?
I used to exercise at 5 a.m. every morning. I used to ride my bike to the gym, exercise and then ride that bitch back home! Now? My dust covered bicycle sits with deflated tires in my parking garage. I used to walk every day after work for at least an hour. Now, after I put in my 8 hours at the office I drive home or to school and plop my ass on a chair for another 5 hours before I go to bed. For some reason, I don't think sitting on my ass for two thirds of my day is what the good Lord intended otherwise I would have no legs.
I am currently tipping the scales at 183 pounds. Yesterday I purchased my fifth pair of size 12 pants. I swore after Weight Watchers I wouldn't do this to myself again yet I'm heavier than I have ever been. Wearing an empire-waist dress to dinner so I can sit and eat comfortably and perhaps even provoke ponderings of pregnancy? Well that's not where I want to be. I'd rather just wear a dress so I can look smokin' hot. Not that I'm not smokin' hot, per se, I just don't want to be one of those women people look at and say, "You know she's got a pretty face, it's too bad she doesn't weigh about 30 pounds less."
So seriously? Fuck this. It's back to my resolutions. Back to the gym. Back to not allowing sweets in the apartment. Back to diet food. Back to taking care of myself. Back to size 10. Back to a normal BMI. Back to self-restraint and self-control. Back to me.


Buzz said...

Go Get em'...

Don't give up.

ceedee said...

I think you're hot. And? That pic of you and E is the cutest ever! Hang in there - don't beat yourself up. Think positively and find something you like to do :) LYLAS

Not Fainthearted said...

back to taking care of yourself.

that's the best one.

go girl. You deserve it!!!

Stacy R said...

Delurking to say size 12 IS NOT FAT!! Girl, I had 2 kids and am happy that i'm a size 14 (after much work, I was a size 22.. shit, that is fat), but, you go and do what is healthy for yourself, and don't give up. It's not about what people think of you, but what you think of yourself. You are beautiful, and healthy. . and if the "ick" (which is what I call it when I don't want to get up and go to the gym) has got you get over it and get your sweat on!! If you are down on yourself there is no way you're going to get over this funk!


Randi said...

Thank you for delurking. I know I'm not fat, believe me. I hate that word. I just feel like if I were more disciplined, I could be in good shape like I once was not too long ago.

Lisa..... said...

I am a size 12 too. I just don't want to be a size 14 again, or 16. That's when I start to feel pretty unhappy. Once I heard a commercial for plus size models and it asked for women size 10 or bigger. WTF??? Just work on feeling healthy and happy. That's the only measurement that counts.