Grillz Fo' Ma' Teef: The Conclusion

In a time long ago, I got a plaster cast made of my 12-year old teeth so I could have a memory of what they looked like before braces made them the stunning specimen they are today. I have been saving the mold all these years for no apparent reason. It is the white one below, to the right of the newer, golden mold Dr. B threw together for the bite guard. I now have a collection.


Just for shits and giggles I thought it would be fun to show you the amazing view of my mouth open wider than it will ever be in the history of our time. Don't say I never gave you anything. Oh and disregard the stain on the roof of the white one... I think I may have used it as an incense burner at one time. Classy.


Can you see that I am missing a tooth in the mold on the left? If you can, I will give you a gold star. Once upon a time there was a mutant tooth inhabiting that space (upper back right, you blind ass). It barely broke through the surface of the gum and was more of a nuisance than anything, what with its ability to act as a magnet to any and all food particles. I spent more time sucking out morsels than Monica spent sucking on Bill. Zing! Dentists from Los Angeles to Oxnard tried with a vengeance to get that sucker to grow out of the gum to join the rest of my teeth in a pretty little row but to no avail. I finally let one of them pull it.

Mutant Tooth

Is that something? See how the left side of the root is slightly crooked? That is why the stubborn piece of shit wouldn't come down. It was literally hinged above the tooth next to it. I know you are all fascinated by now. There's even a wee filling in this monster. I save it solely for the freak factor. Maybe I'll make a necklace out of it someday like ScarJo did for Ryan Reynolds.

The Grillz

That right there is what $400 will buy you. Doesn't that one on the left look a little off kilter to you? Yeah! It's cuz I'm toofless. LOL. Anywho, the freak out of a lifetime came along with those. You see, I picked up this extravagant purchase at approximately 5 p.m. After I was done at the dentist, I proceeded to simultaneously do my homework and exercise on the stationary bicycle at the gym. I got home, started to unpack my day's worth of baggage and realized that one fluorescent orange case containing my bite guard was no where to be found. I threw things hither and yon, ran down to the car to search through the trunk and anywhere else I could think of and nothing. NOTHING! I have owned this pricey purchase for no more than 90 minutes and it has disappeared! Needless to say, I frantically sped back to the gym parking lot and on hands and knees scoured the space where I could have possibly dropped this stupid container. Nothing. I went to the Golfsmith nearby to see if it had been turned in. Nothing. I went to Bally's to see if anything had been returned. Nothing. I felt like I was in junior high and accidentally threw away my very expensive retainer into the garbage (Parenthood anyone?). So I did what any mature, responsible, grown ass woman would do: I sat in the back seat of Vehicular and cried some big, heaving sobs of self pity. And what did I see when I was back there? The. mother. fucking. fluorescent. orange. container.
Moral of that story: It's always the last place you look. No shit.


exile said...

the molar of the story: of course it's always in the last place you look, cause once you find it you're done looking

btw, i have a set of those. yup, had them made right before my braces and well before my headgear was installed

Katy said...

First....I am both appalled and intrigues at all this toothy stuff you have. Second, I friggin'love that movie PARENTHOOD. That is some cinema genius..hehehe

Coodence said...

The pics above seriously look like they are part of a museum exhibit. Hilarious dude.

Randi said...

Thanks for clearing that up, Exile. I guess sarcasm doesn't translate well via blog.

ceedee said...

are those pics on your new couch? Can't wait to try it out!!

ATLLG said...

OK I know I'm late a hell reading this one but I've got to share.

Trying digging thru a 80 gallon garbage bag from the local BBQ joint where you KNOW you toss your brand new retainer. Yep, found it and after about 50 ( not really more like 5 ) soaks in denture stuff put it back into my mouth. And no I wasn't a teenager either so it just proves we DO stay just as stupid as when we really were younger.