Happy Birthday, Woodrow Wilson Haiku Friday

Lots of visiting
Friends come out of the wood works
This time of the year
Crusty, Cod, Babe, Zach
Elementary school classmates
And high school hookups
Things are slowing down
I got 8 hours sleep last night
So very happy


I Got Nothin'

So to all my brothers from another mother:


Moral Of The Story Hump Day

With a phenomenal 4-day, holiday weekend behind me I came to work this morning to the news that the driver we had recently hired passed away on Saturday. Just Friday we were having a company Christmas pot luck together, laughing and having a great time. He fit in here so well and it was a pleasure having him aboard. Apparently his heart just stopped. He was thirty. Robert, you will be missed.
Moral of that story: Live your life to the fullest and as though today might be your last.


Let's Duet

In me, Judd Apatow has not only a fan for life but a devout follower. The reason for this is not just his grasp of what makes for hilarious comedy, but the comfort of familiarity that comes with his rotating casts of primary players. I believe this particular group was dubbed the Frat Pack. Honestly, The Dewey Cox Story is sub par if you are comparing it to the caliber of The 40-Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up. However, if you take this movie for what it is, a silly good time, you won't be disappointed. Even the music is good! I laughed quite often but I might have written this one off had it not been for Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Justin Long and Jason Schwartzman's terrible impression of the Beatles. It's a can't miss. Everyone is in this movie. Everyone. However, had Kevin not pondered whether Will Ferrell would make a cameo in Walk Hard, I wouldn't have had the disappointment that accompanied his failure to show. And with that, I will part, leaving you with my favorite piece of dialogue, courtesy of IMDB:
Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?
Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
DC : No, Sam. I can't.
Girl Groupie: Come on, Dewey! Join the party! [takes a hit off a joint]
Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
DC: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!
DC: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
Sam: It's not habit-forming!
DC: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
Sam: You can't OD on it!
DC: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
Sam: It makes sex even better!
DC: Sounds kind of expensive.
Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.
DC: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
Sam: You don't want it!
DC: I think I kinda want it.
Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.


Mmm Cheesy Cookies

The good Lord passed down from heaven a morsel of tasty goodness that is the Italian cookie. Combining two of my favorite food groups - cookies and cheese - with a shitload of sugar? Well how could that possibly go wrong. In my family we make these for Christmas but they're also popular around Easter time.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
For the cookie:
1 cup softened butter
2 cups granulated sugar
3 eggs
15 oz. ricotta cheese
2 tsp. anise
4 cups flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
Combine these ingredients, bake from 10-12 minutes until golden brown and then let them cool.
For the frosting:
1/4 cup softened butter
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3-4 tbsp. milk
3-4 cups confectioners sugar
When the cookies have cooled and you've gotten your frosting to a nice spreadable texture, throw the 2 together and decorate with sugar crystals or sprinkles. This recipe makes a whole lotta cookies that are divinely rich and indulgent.


The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street

There is something to be said about a Tim Burton movie. It could have the worst story line in the history of the world but you know that you'll at least walk away having been on a visually stimulating trip. I've been anticipating Sweeney Todd for a while now and it didn't disappoint. While BFF and I were in London, we went to a pub on Fleet Street which was the setting of this fabulous tale of a fictional murdering barber brought to life by Johnny Depp. His voice, while no Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, far surpassed any expectations I may have had. I've not seen this musical live nor have I ever heard the soundtrack so I have absolutely nothing to compare this adaptation to at all. Helena Bonham Carter, baker of the meat pies made of Todd's victims, is so fascinating to look at and her voice was just lovely. The songs were so good and fit into the story seamlessly. The blood is a vibrant red that seems to have a life of its own against the bleak gray London landscape. Even Severus Snape makes an appearance as Judge Turpin! And that guy from Enchanted? Well he's there, too! But leave it to Sacha Baron Cohen to steal the show as the Italian barber that is Todd's primary competition. If you love Tim Burton's style, go see this movie. If you hate musicals, well I don't think you should go because the last thing we need to hear is negative criticism. I was enraptured by the entire production. Well played indeed.


3 More Shopping Days Haiku Friday

Drank beer like water
While visiting with Crusty
Not sure I should have
Woke up with dry mouth
And the headache will come soon
Hung over at work
Won't be too awful
Slow day and potluckiness
Sound like a good cure


4 More Shopping Days!

But I don't have to shop EVER AGAIN! Well, that's not true but at least not until 2008. Crusty is in town and I think it is only for her that I would even look in the direction of a mall what with having finished my shopping online weeks ago. That's what friends are for, I guess. I picked up a few odds and ends at Hallmark and then we went to Macy's. No line at the MAC counter? The hell you say! The make-up counter man knew my color just by looking at the porcelainesque surface more commonly known as my skin. Not only that but he recommended the most fabulous mascara and my lashes have never looked fuller! However, perhaps the most monumental event in my shopping experience was finding a bra that is quite possibly the best fit I've ever had. My boobies are so happy right now. No longer confined to the restrictions of a B-cup, they are now resting comfortably in a C-cup. Barely There is the brand, have you ladies heard of it? Forget Victoria's Secret. Get one of these bad girls. While not the most beautiful brassiere, it is so nice and cozy. My mood is damn near stellar and I think Barely There deserves all the credit. There is really nothing better than new intimates. Hooray for happy boobies!


Hump Day Morals of Stories

First and foremost, Jamie Lynn Spears. Pregnant at 16. Was allegedly living with her 19 year old boyfriend. Listen, Mrs. Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, you are fucking up hard core here with this whole parenting thing. I see you with Jayden James and Sean Preston and you look like you're trying super hard to be a good granny but how about you focus on being a mom for a bit. Mmmkay? Your daughters clearly need you.
Moral of that story: Kids aren't meant to be bred into show business so they can be their parents' meal ticket.

I babysat this past weekend. Three days with three boys who were not mine. Ages 7, 10 and 14. Dragging them all over LA County to fun places like the movies and hockey games. Over the course of the weekend, I was forced to use popular phrases like: "When I was your age", "Because I said so," and "Is that where you found (fill in the blank)." I turned into a drill sergeant and was running a tight ship but the whole time I was popping aspirins and antacids like they were candy. Add to that mix an obsessive compulsive, ball chasing Schnoodle and a dumb as a rock Labradoodle that thought pissing in my room was a good way to let me know I should no longer be sleeping and you have a recipe for a good time.
Moral of that story: When you retire from babysitting, stay that way.

Taking Prozac in the morning when all along you've been taking it before bed time can seriously affect one's mood for the remainder of the day. Your boss may mention that he'd like advanced notice on the days you are going to be manic. You may or may not end up bouncing off the walls and threatening to throw hot candle wax in the eyes of your employer. You may at one point after being shot in the eye with a rubber band by said employer, end up chasing him down the hallway to run and hide in the men's lavatory causing his partner to come out of his office to see what the hell is going on. You may also try and retrieve paperwork from a warehouse employee and cause him to fear for his life and also bolt to take cover in a safe haven.
Moral of that story: Don't mess with prescription pills.


The Husband

When I was a pre-teen, the first "grown up" author I ever read was Dean Koontz. My next door neighbor at the time, we'll call her Nissan, was a year older than me and an avid reader as well. Nissan had many of his books to loan me and soon I was hooked. She is wholly responsible for my addiction to his paperbacks that I buy once a year when they are released. I haven't quite hit the book-a-week plan that I'd set for myself but I did kill this one in the course of 2 days. The Husband is a book that starts off suspenseful and doesn't let you rest until literally the last few pages. It's a story of kidnapping, dysfunctional families and betrayal. Naturally, there is a reference to a Golden Retriever because in pretty much every Dean Koontz story that breed makes an appearance. This man loves him some Golden Retrievers. He also loves Southern California and horticulture and never fails to over-describe both of these things in perfect detail. The "love story" isn't overbearing because there is simply no time for romance in this fast-paced book. Koontz has his formula down and when he does it right like he does in The Husband, you can't help but enjoy the ride.


I Am Legend

Oh, hells yes. Eli has only told me a million times that this movie was already made only starring Charlton Heston but back then it was called The Omega Man. I got it. But guess what? I didn't see that one. I did, however, see I Am Legend. I have to tell you, my admiration for the former Fresh Prince of Bel Air is really growing. He had me with Pursuit of Happyness and he only seems to be getting better with age. Will Smith is no smart mouthed Mr. Macho in this, though he is a definitely a hero of sorts. Just check out that bod when he's doing pull-ups in his doorway. Yum. And the fact that he, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, can hold almost an entire movie on his own? Well that's just impressive. Period. Seeing Manhattan absolutely desolate with deer frolicking amidst deserted cars is absolutely creepy. And? Smith's character lives right by Washington Square Park and BFF works sorta near there and I've been there a bunch of times. Anywho, the flesh eating zombies in this flick are super scary and I was literally on the edge of my seat through the whole movie. It's very tense. I recommend catching this in the theater to get the full effect. I don't have a bad thing to say about this movie. Not a single thing. Why are you still sitting there? Go!


What Would Baby Jesus Say?

While I was at Walgreen's a moment ago, there was an African-American gentleman outside the door, ringing his bell for Christmas donations. Since I mostly ignore people that ask me for money, I continued past him without saying anything. The reason I mention race is because in my experience, only the men of color are so bold as to say what I heard next. To my surprise, he said, "Nice ass" as I walked away. I think now I've heard it all.


10 More Shopping Days Haiku Friday

Yesterday was cold
Twenty seven degrees, man
But not in Oxnard
Santa Maria
And Lompoc with the Bossman
Meeting customers
A twelve hour work day
Just doing what I do best
Spreading Christmas cheer


Hump Day Ponderings

Why's he hiding his crotch?
Why after 5 years of acquaintance do we stand beside one another like we just met?
Why does the flash make it look like I'm wearing dangly earrings?
Why didn't my dad get my saucy, brown fishnet tights and leopard stilettos in this shot?
Why can't I be the subject of a photograph where my eyes aren't red (seriously, scroll 2 posts down)?

Help me out, people.


Another TMI Tuesday

1. Are you and early shopper or a late shopper?
Dudes, I am DONE shopping! Woot Woot!
2. What is your favorite cartoon (current or past)?
I'm going to have to go with Family Guy here.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how competent are you on home repair projects?
I give myself an 8 here. I'm no pro but I'm definitely picking up the slack when it comes to my no skills having dad.
4. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Hands down I would say it has to be making pizzelles with Ma and Gran though I have to miss it this year. Sad.
5. Describe your favorite kiss? Do you give it or receive it?
Any "kiss" coming from Ethan is always a good time. I mostly give because receiving would require me being covered with his slobber. Oh, babies and their open mouth kisses.
Bonus (as in optional):What is the best holiday gift you have ever gotten? Best you've given?
I am always happy with all my gifts. The most useful has been my camera that I got last year but my favorite is probably my diamond earrings. Best I've given? Well... I don't know. My gifts tend to border on safe and practical as opposed to outstanding.

Questions are from here.


Christmas Party Must Have

Champagne Cocktail
Pour a glass of champagne

Drop a brown sugar cube in the bottom

A dash or 2 of bitters (to make it a pretty pink color)

A tiny wee twist of lemon rind


(Caution: Red Eyes May Occur)


Ready For St. Nick Haiku Friday

The stockings are hung
My Christmas cards have been mailed
Decorations up
I'm finished shopping
Never stepped foot in a mall
Thank you, Amazon
Now I can enjoy
Listening to the carols
Looking at the lights

And now for a bonus, the top 10 weirdest searches that will lead you here:
  1. Animal Vagina
  2. Arab Women Smelly Vaginas
  3. "Going in my pants"
  4. Burnt Armpits
  5. Happy Poo Dodger Game
  6. Lesbian Faeces (who spells "feces" like this?)
  7. List of names given to the ways in which you pass faeces in relation to the shit list (I did not make that up.)
  8. Secret Vibrator Hiding Places
  9. Urge to poo during my period
  10. Whale vag

There are also A LOT of boob searches yet nary a boob to be found here but me.


I Give It A "Bee"

I learned a lot while watching Bee Movie:
1. Patrick Warburton has the best voice in show business.
2. I like Renee Zellweger a lot better when I don't have to look at her pinched up little face.
3. Jerry Seinfeld and Oprah Winfrey must be tight like two butt cheeks if he managed to get her high-falootin' ass to do a voice over.
4. The dwindling bee population has dire consequences.
5. And everyone's job, no matter how little, is important.

I really enjoyed watching this movie. I'm sure the fact that it was both born of Dreamworks and is animated has a lot to do with that. Ultimately, though, if I was a chirruns, I think I would be utterly bored by it. But that's just my opinion. I especially like the pushpin/bee stinger sword fight between a loading dock worker and Seinfeld's character and there were a few other laugh out loud moments but I don't think I'm telling anyone to rush out and see this one. I'm just glad I got to go for free! Oh yeah, watch out for the bear in the courtroom. Hilarity.


Once Upon A Time

I finally made it to the movies last night! Flanked by both my folks and my HLP, I took in Enchanted. I have been a lifelong fan of Disney animation and when I saw the trailers for this a few months ago, I squealed and made a declaration that I would see it in the theater. Well better late than never right? This movie not only shows that Disney has a sense of humor about their fantasy fairy tales, but the dang thing is set in my most favoritest of places - New York City. Amy Adams is amazing as a cartoon princess come to life and her positivity and naivete is contagious. Susan Sarandon has found her niche as a wicked stepmother and Pip the chipmunk is definitely a crowd-pleaser. And Patrick Dempsey? You can forget about this Dr. McDreamy nonsense, you will always be nerdy Ronald from Can't Buy Me Love to me. As disgusting as it was to see cockroaches, rats and pigeons tidying up an apartment, the accompanying music is absolutely hilarious, as is the random song and dance sequence in Central Park. There is really nothing I didn't like about this movie. Three cheers for cheesy love stories and living happily ever after.


TMI Tuesday

1. If your partner buys you a sexy little "something" is it a present for you or for your partner?
It has been years and years since a "partner" has purchased me something sexy but I think he had both of us in mind.
2. What are 3 characteristics of "your type"?
a.) Independent
b.) Great smile
c.) A "bear" of a man
3. On a scale of 1-10, how good a cook are you?
Dude, I don't cook. I'm a preparer of many food items but cooking isn't my bag. I guess I'd give myself a 5 here. Average.
4. Tattoos: Love them or hate them. On you? On a partner?
I love them! I have 5. If the art is good what's not to like? I take a pass on dudes that have "Trust No Bitch" tattooed on their neck though.
5. Stubble: Good or bad? How often do you shave?
Stubble can be good but it can also itch like a mo'fo. I shave a couple times a week if the spirit moves me. I suppose if I was gettin' frisky with someone I'd shave more often.
Bonus (as in optional):What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual non-sexual)?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

Nah, just kidding.
Sexual - cuddles and kisses on the neck.
Non-Sexual - puppies, coffee and Ethan.

Per usual, questions come from here.


Trying For A Book A Week

Since I am a fan of Scrubs and its leading man, Zach Braff, I decided to throw this book on my Amazon Wish List when he referenced in an article I more than likely read in Entertainment Weekly. The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green is written by his brother Joshua and is very Jewish. It's reading books like this that makes me appreciate my time working for Camp Ramah, living with a Rabbi's family and picking up the Hebrew I did. There are a lot of very specific words that us silly gentiles simply wouldn't know about otherwise. Anyhow, the story is basically about Jacob and his brother Asher and their relationship with their father who happens to be an extremely devout Jew with a volatile temper. It's telling how these boys both rebel against and protect their father in a typically adolescent coming of age sort of way. Braff's storytelling is very familiar and the situations he describe are mundane yet profound - the little things, after all, is what life is made of. I got quite a few chuckles out of these pages but when Abram, the patriarch of this dysfunctional family, loses his temper, its enough to make my stomach turn in discomfort. Apparently this is a bargain book now so I would say it's well worth the $6 you'll spend to get it. Luckily Crusty gave me mine for free when I got the ol' tonsils out. Nice.


Drive By Tagging

What a suprise to receive a tag from a stranger! Lisa? This is for you. But only because 7 is my lucky number...
1. I attempt to get out of bed in the morning multiple times before I actually emerge from the sheets, at times sitting completely up and throwing off the covers and then immediately lying back down and re-covering myself.
2. I am an obsessive deleter of all things. This means I am constantly purging old emails and clearing my cell phone's Recent Calls and text messages. I seriously don't know what I'm trying to hide.
3. I seem to have mastered "whistle-speak" that you may recognize from such cartoon characters as Herbert from The Family Guy or the beaver from Lady and the Tramp.
4. For some reason I've been whistling the theme song from Sanford and Son lately. If by lately I mean "for the last several months."
5. I love Britney Spears unconditionally even if she is a trainwreck. I am well aware that she lacks the ability to sing. My love has nothing to do with her making fabulous music or how she looks. I don't expect anyone to share these feelings or to understand them.
6. At home I rarely drink water from a glass. I mostly use my Nalgene 32 ouncer or drink from a plastic bottle. And I will NEVER be able to sip water through a straw. Ick.
7. When turning a corner, 9 times out of 10 I will hit the curb with the rim of my tire. I blame poor depth perception, Eli tells me I just don't drive very well.
I'm not much of a tagger these days but feel free to play along! Or you can list the random things I do... Cod? Hair? Hmm?