Honestly? Up until today my pain has been minimal. Of course, the liquid Vicodin every four hours takes all of the credit. My diet has consisted mostly of Jamba Juice, Jell-o and Udon soup. And so much water. So much. The most fun part of that is a side-effect of Vicodin that makes it hard to get the ol' pee flow started. As of yesterday, I'd lost two pounds which is a far cry from the ten they threatened me with but I'll take it. Since misery loves company, my Aunt Flo decided to show up for a visit which is just what I need. Another fun side effect of the Vicodin? Constipation. Let me tell you, it's nothing but good times in my house.
Let's see what else I can tell you... Oh, I sound like a deaf girl with very special needs. Because of this I got very special treatment at the supermarket. I actually had to tell the cashier that I only had my tonsils out. He turned a lovely shade of red. My mom and I figure I should be asking for donations for the little cards with sign language on them. I could make a couple bucks on the side while I'm out of work. Other than that? It's pretty frickin' boring.
I would like to give a hearty thanks to BFF for my beautiful flowers; to Crusty for Monsoon Wedding, SNL:The Best of Chris Farley and rocket popsicle molds; to Shora for Monsters, Inc. which is making its way to me now; and to everyone that has sent me emails and text messages and have come by to visit. You guys are so sweet to succumb to my begging for special treatment. I love you all very much.
I suppose I am to blame for my irritation on this subject as I admit to frequenting tabloid websites like TMZ and Perez Hilton and have therefore been bombarded with constant coverage of these girls' failures. I would be better off reading Harry Potter or studying Spanish to pass the free time at work. But somehow they suck me in. Britney used to be my lady crush. Now? I look at her and wonder if she's loved by anyone in her life. The lust has been replaced by pity. I fell in love with Lindsay in Mean Girls... and then I don't know what happened to her. There has never been a soft spot in my heart for Paris though. Nope. Can't even muster sympathy.
All of it just seems like such a waste. And whether they like it or not, little girls look up to these three. They want to be singers and actresses and the center of attention just like their idols. And rather than setting a good example, Paris, Lindsay and Britney are instead giving the impression that women are nothing more than substance abusing floozies and attention whores. That brains come second to beauty and fashion. Quite frankly, I fear for the children that are our future. Little boys that want to grow up to be thugs like 50 Cent. Little girls that dress like 20 year old street walkers.
Thank God for the likes of the newly reformed Christina Aguilera. For Pink and her statements like "Stupid Girls." Rappers like Nas. If only the "It" people of Hollywood spent more time endorsing education and philanthropy instead of clubs and drugs. Instead of shopping sprees at Kitson, maybe they should consider giving their time and money to local children in need, become their heroes for a better reason than what they're offering now. Make their fame worth it.
In a couple of days, I'm getting my tonsils taken out. Re-read what I just wrote. Would you think I was 13 or 30? And as far as the tonsils go, I went for my pre-op appointment at the hospital yesterday. The doctor's office scheduled me a 1:45 appointment, at which I arrived promptly, only for the hospital to tell me they had yet to receive doctor's orders for the surgery. So I waited. For two hours. Until they finally got the release there. One would think I was having major reconstructive surgery rather than a simple tonsillectomy but all of my paperwork is now complete, my blood has been taken and I'm scheduled to go in on Friday at 7 a.m. for a 9:30 tonsillectomy. Any and all "Get Well Soon" gifts will be much appreciated.
First of all, $3+ for 8.5 ounces of liquid? Preposterous, I declared. On top of that, this thing tasted like cherry/fruit punch cough syrup, not exactly delicious. After about 30 minutes, however, the active ingredient (Sugar? Caffeine? Allegedly the power of Taurine is a myth.) kicked in because in no time I was buzzing in my car. Since I foolishly had a Kit Kat bar with my Red Bull, my stomach became a painful, twisted mess. My eyes no longer had the blinking function. My hands were twitching. And suddenly, I became Speed Racer on crack with a blind fury directed at anyone that dared fuck up my momentum. Wow. For those of you that know me (hell, for those of you that read here often), you might have picked up on the fact that I am a hyperactive spaz as it is. Red Bull brings out my Mrs. Hyde. It's no good. So the next time you need a pick me up, I'd think twice about the Red Bull. Learn from my mistake.
Dodgers versus the Giants
Blue boys better win
Dykey look for The Castro
E can crawl fast now
So now that I've made my stance on the movie clear, I'd like to briefly note what an awful experience movie going is becoming. I may need a break. Parents, there is a PG-13 rating for a reason. This is not a movie for those under that age. Period. Your 6-year old will be scared and won't be afraid to tell us all in his outside voice that he is frightened. Or ask a million questions about the plot. People, I can see your fucking cell phone light from a mile away. Shut it off. You're not that important that you can't go 138 minutes without talking to or texting someone. Also? Shut the fuck up or learn how to whisper quietly. And for God's sake do you need to make so much noise coming and going to the restroom? Eating? Breathing? You're not the only people in the world. I'm sitting right next to you. Movie theaters, I recommend headphones and blinders. There's my solution as it seems society has lost all of its manners when it comes to going to the movies.
Sorry for all the questions. Thanks for reading.
I wasn't sure what to expect walking into Transformers because die hard fans seem to frown on the inconsistencies while newbies are raving. Transformers toys were a big part of my childhood (as well as My Little Pony who gets a subtle nod in the flick) but I can't say they defined who I was growing up. Ultimately, there was very little cooler than a car that could transform into a robot. And at the time, seeing that was limited to cartoons and action figures! Now, when the dopest Camaro in town turns into Bumblebee or a flame-detailed semi truck turns into Optimus Prime in "real life"... well that, in a word, is rad. Don't get me wrong, there is some absolute cheesiness and cliches in Transformers. Kevin thinks the director, Michael Bay, is a hack. And I have to wonder if HLP had as much fun watching the action as I did... but all in all I would recommend this movie if you need to beat the heat or kill some time this summer. Coming in at just under three hours, though, I have to wonder if it needed to be that long. Not that I'm complaining. The movie wasn't even over yet and I was thinking of going again. More than meets the eye, indeed.
Knees and toes
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Eyes and ears and mouth and nose
Knees and toes
Knees and toes
I went to the ear, nose and throat specialist today and it is confirmed: the tonsils need to go. Not only that but I learned wonderful things about why I snore and how I can cure that lovely little flaw. I thought I would take this opportunity to educate you people. You can thank me later. First things first, though. Prior to going in I decided to be proactive and squeeze out a nice sampling of those tonsilloliths I was telling y'all about not too long ago. That way I had proof, ya know? Only this time they were accompanied by blood. Yucky. So I wrapped 'em up and put 'em in a sandwich baggie and off we went. Not only that, but I even printed a medical journal article to bring with me for further proof that I've done my research. Turns out my doctor didn't want to examine my specimen for long but her assistant did ask to keep my article. Always be prepared. Thanks, Girl Scouts.
So the doctor peeked around a bit and agreed that I was a great candidate for a tonsillectomy because of my chronic tonsillitis and its insistence that I miss work A LOT. Yippee! She then proceeded to tell me that this is an incredibly painful procedure for adults and that I should expect to lose up to ten pounds. It was like she was trying to discourage me and encourage me in the same sentence! The pain means nothing to me after 30 years of dealing with throat-related ailments. And basically, I can eat ice cream as a meal so I don't know who loses in this situation. I should be able to schedule my surgery in about a week!
Oh! And I nearly forgot about the snoring! I guess my nostrils are very narrow so when I breathe in through them, they collapse. Neat. The doctor suggested I purchase these things called Sinus Cones that will act as stints to keep my nostrils wide open while sleeping. How about that, huh? Not only are my nostrils thin and collapsable but it would appear as tough my left one is also obstructed by a large bone. Wow. Things I never knew. She also said that Flonase or other products like it will help with the congestion brought on by my allergies. I learned so much today. I hope you did, too.
The hell you say! Well if the behavior of the kiddies in the audience is proof of anything, it will be that Ratatouille is not going to hold their attention or grab their interest. Either that or parents just don't know the power they are capable of wielding over the wee ones and instead think a hush is more effective than the threat of a beating when they get home. Is that to say this was not an enjoyable animated feature? Not at all. I found it fairly entertaining. It wasn't one of my favorite Pixar adventures but it was able to tickle a few laughs out of me. The cast was charming but not particularly memorable. And for some reason, Gusteau's ghost scared the bejesus out of me every time he popped out of no where, poor post-traumatic stress syndrome sufferer that I am. Mostly, though, Ratatouille just made me hungry. Someone with an appetite like mine should probably not be watching a movie based in a kitchen. Needless to say, after the credits rolled I took the fast track to the nearest restaurant for some cheese-laden French onion soup. It only seemed appropriate. If it's behind the scenes of a restaurant you're after, however, I'm going to suggest you skip this flick and pick up Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, former chef and star of the show No Reservations on the Discovery Channel. It will be much more satisfying.
Long time fan, first time writer. I would like to start by giving credit where credit is due. Whenever I have the urge to boycott fast food, I always put you on my exempt list. Hell, even during Weight Watchers I used to frequently partake of your classic tacos because of their low points. That diet is a thing of the past but my run for the border occurs at least once or twice a month. Your hand-held Crunch Wrap is high on my list of favorite menu items. When you introduced the modified 7-Layer version, I practically gave you a standing ovation. Sure, it could have used a hint of your delicious ground beef but I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt. When I tried to satisfy my craving for one recently I was told you no longer made that item. Was I disappointed? I'd be lying if I said no. However I moved on. I decided to take the leap and try one of your Extreme Beef & Cheese Quesadillas. Oh. My. God. Can you say sabroso? I decided to let it slide that you took away the 7-Layer Crunch Wrap because you more than made up for it with the x-treme tastiness.
Tonight, after work, I bee-lined over to my local Taco Bell to grab an Extreme Beef & Cheese Quesadilla for dinner. When I rolled up to the drive-thru order speaker I was perplexed. That item was no longer visible on the menu. I only saw chicken and steak quesadillas- two big No-Nos at the Bell for this loyal eater. There must be some mistake, I thought to myself, so I asked for it by name. Again with this "discontinued" bullshit! WTF? You get me hooked on your savory treats only to take them away? Why do you do this to me? Are you trying to lose my business? My loyal dedication to you? Tell me! Tell me why!
So it has come to this. I'm considering a boycott. By way of this blog, I can reach approximately 25 people a day. When those 25 people each tell a person and that person spreads the word further, I have a feeling you will re-think this "give and take away" nonsense. You have two options: bring those mouth-watering menu items back or cut the shit on this limited time offer teasing you think is so clever. You're not only hurting your fans, ultimately you're hurting yourself. I know you'll make the right choice.
On Tuesday I saw Live Free or Die Hard which takes place on 4th of July weekend. Quite appropriate, no? Nothing says "All-American" like terrorism, computer hacking and a ridiculously high body count. I'll be the first to confess I have not seen the other Die Hard movies and that is something I'm quite comfortable with. Truthfully, the only reason I wanted to see this one is because of Justin Long. I fell in deep smit with him on the TV Show Ed and that smit only got stronger after Dodgeball. And there you have it.
Personally, I felt this film was a little long but apparently the story line is fact based so that adds a little strength. There is nothing very exciting about watching hackers type on a computer keyboard while streams of code fill a monitor. However, the stunts and shoot 'em up, bang-bang aspects of this movie are quite impressive. I jumped out of my chair more than once. Please, try and hide your shock. All of the actors took themselves quite seriously so that is always a hoot. Come on, you guys. It's Die Hardest. Get over yourselves. I have no idea who uber-serious, jaw clenching, bad guy Timothy Olyphant is but he reminds me of a cross between Josh Duhamel and Johnny Knoxville. I dare you to disagree.
And that's that in a nutshell. Not one of my favorites but we made the bargain-priced matinee so it takes some of the pain away.
5. Have you ever been caught masturbating?
Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever used the excuse, "Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don't remember a THING!"
What is it about camping that leads one to completely forsake hygiene and lose all self-consciousness? Where else can you walk around in a bathing suit half the day and your pajamas the second half? Deodorant? Optional. Shower? None for me thanks. From about 8 o'clock Friday evening until 9 o'clock last night, this was the life I was leading: sporadic naps, water sports, lounging and delicious eats. And this time I was awake for S'mores! Delicious. There is simply nothing better. I learned my lesson about the sunblock so I have nary a burn on my body. My formerly burnt armpits never did peel but they did leave a lovely dark "stain" beneath each arm. However, my newly golden skin is currently hiding that loveliness.
Summer time and the living's easy, indeed. My muscles are a bit sore this morning but my frame of mind is tremendously overhauled. Last week was rough but even though it's Monday I've got a smile on my face. I got to play with a bunch of wee ones over the weekend and my desire to procreate is at an all-time high. I had mommy status down pat: sunblock and water for the kiddies. The towel wrap-up. The playing of games. The snuggling. Siiigh. Am I too young to consider adoption and/or artificial insemination at the ripe age of 30?