6.29.2007

DVD Review for Friday's Haiku

Christina Ricci
I got to see your boobies
Want a cheeseburger?
***
Justin Timberlake
Wish your role had been bigger
Not too shabby, dude
***
Samuel L. Jackson
Who knew you could sing the blues?
You're in everything

P.S. Nice to see you in a movie S. Epatha Merkerson!

6.28.2007

1408 Is Great!

That title, my friends, is the very text message I sent Eli and Hetero Life Partner last night after seeing 1408 with my good buddy, Kevin over at Pointless Banter. Poor, unsuspecting Kevin. I tried to adequately warn him that scary movies equal a jumpy Randi but I don't think he really knew what he was in for. Nor did the gentleman seated in front of us. As we were leaving the theater, he said he wished I would have warned him too. I had my doubts about this movie solely based on its PG-13 rating. Then BFF, in her infinite wisdom, made the valid point that the best thing about scary movies is the stuff you can't see but ends up getting seen in the R-rated films: rape, murder, blood and guts, etc. Good example? Signs had me on the edge of my seat until I saw the alien... then? Not so much. 1408 is all about twists and turns and is totally suspenseful. The tension just builds and builds. At one point, when I was curled up in a ball on the chair, feet tucked under my butt with my hoodie over my head and my hands covering my eyes, Kevin hit my leg. I think I shat myself. Maybe a squirt of pee pee came out. I can't be sure.
I'm a bit naive when it comes to watching movies so I saw none of it coming. Kevin, on the other hand, made a few brilliant calls. Turns out I watch movies like I am in them and he watches them as if he's writing them. And there you have it. John Cusack basically owns this movie and is alone in the majority of the scenes. Watching him slowly unravel is a spectacle in and of itself. He's such a great and convincing actor. And Samuel L. Jackson? By dropping the F-bomb only once, he makes his tiny role unforgettable. 1408 is based on Stephen King's short story and considering that another story of his, The Shining, is the scariest movie ever in my humble opinion, I think I can safely give it my seal of approval. We'll just forget about Sleepwalkers and its incestuous cat people that tarnished Mr. King's good name.

6.27.2007

It's A MeMe Kind Of Week

Courtesy of Buzz...
1. Who was the first person in your life that you thought was hot?
Hot didn't come until later in life when I discovered Antonio Banderas but I'd say my first real crush was Patrick in the 1st grade. He was super cute. Still is.
2. If you could only watch one porno the rest of your life, who would "act" in it, and who would you have direct?
Hot "natural" girly action directed by Tim Burton. Or Robert Rodriguez. Or Quentin Tarantino. I don't have a porn star preference, per se.
3. Pen or Pencil?
Pen
4. Can you name all the main characters in the Harry Potter series, if so, what are they?
Hermione, Ron and Harry... and I guess the professors which are numerous that I won't list here. But "Yes."
5. Would you kick Maggie Gyllenhaal out of bed for eatin' crackers?
No. After Stranger Than Fiction and her breast feeding in public she can do whatever she damn well pleases.
6. Who was the last person who made you have the reaction "God-damn I HATE that motherfucker!" when you thought of them?
Paris Hilton
7. Japanese, American, or European? (automobiles)
German... so I guess that is European.
8. Beer or Light Beer?
Fat Tire. REAL beer.
9. Red or White wine?
White, preferably a Riesling.
10. What is your "go to" phrase you tell yourself when things get tough?
Fuck. Oh, wait, my inspirational phrase? Don't have one...
11. That secret that you're keeping, did anyone die because of it?
No.
12. That vacation spot you're thinking of, do you know how to speak the host language?
The language of love? You betcha.
13. When you hear Arabic spoken on the street, does it make you shudder?
No. Thumping bass of the mariachi makes me shudder.
14. When you see Arabic women in public, do you wonder about their vaginas?
After seeing a forwarded email of one, this question made me think of it.
15. Speaking of vaginas, do you support rejuvenation or is it ok to get all flappy with age?
I Support Fistula Reconstruction.
16. Will you tune in when Barry Bonds breaks the home run record?
That Giant can suck my dick.
17. What is that one thing during sex that is a no go?
Anal. And I find the 69 position distracting. Too much going on. I'd rather avoid it.
18. What is that one thing during sex that should be a no go, but you secretly want to try?
Anal. WOAH!
19. When is the last time you bought something for yourself out of pure impulse.
Monday night at Target
20. What was it?
Red KitchenAid pots, pans and utensils for my kitchen.
21. Are you still tight with your parents?
I work for one and the other is sort of one of my best friends.
22. If they aren't around anymore, do you think they'd be proud of you?
They seem to be proud of me but they're a couple of ball busters, that's for sure.
23. What one thing do you want to tell to this year's college freshmen?
Do not drop out. Hang in there and git'r'done.
24. Do you immediately catch yourself being hypocritical, or does it take someone else to point it out to you?
I am very self aware and oft times hypocritical.
25. You've been invited to a movie premiere. You chose to wear jeans with a sport coat and your hair in a "fauxhawk". Are you expecting to get your picture taken or are you just funky like that?
I am just funky like that. And apparently want to look like a man.
26. Say you got a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for "harmony" on your arm, but one day a Chinese lady comes up to you and says "your arm says 'sweet and sour pork makes me gassy'." Do you:
A: Call the little Chinese lady a bullshitter and go about your day?
or B. Rush to your nearest tattoo joint and have the symbol for "In bed" tattooed next to it?
I go about my day sans the name calling and kick myself in the ass for not doing my own research before I got a tattoo in another language.
27. If you could see your first loves' kids today, what secret would you tell them about your ex that they could use as ammunition against them?
Nothing. It's all in the past.
28. What one herb can you not live without?
Does marijuana count?
29. What drug can you not live without?
Ibuprofen
30. What smell or odor makes you smile?
Ethan.
Cringe?
The smell of death.
31. If your son wanted to give up baseball to pursue acting, would you think he was a homo, or just really horny?
I would think he was talented and following his heart.
32. If your dog left you a dead squirrel on the patio, would you name it before you buried it?
Bury it? Can you say dumpster? I'm not burying my dog's massacre.
33. Have you ever seen snow?
Not falling but on the ground.
34. Do you worry that the warming globe might prevent you from seeing it in the future?
Global warming is a scare tactic to get people to conserve.
35. Would you rather live on the beach, mountains, golf course, or Arizona?
Beach
36. Does anything Disney make you want to barf?
I love Disney.
37. Do you have a close friend that is gay?
I have an uncle.
38. Does he/she know that you know?
Yes
39. Have you ever felt rage?
Prior to Prozac? Daily.
40. Have you ever acted on it?
I've verbalized it.
41. What was the outcome?
Scared people. Break down. Therapy. Prozac.
42. Are you ok with being brought up in this generation, or do you feel that a past generation would have suited you better?
I like things just the way they are though I do wish people were less apathetic and more accountable for their actions like in the "good old days."
43. If I were your chef for the night, feeding you and yours, what would you want me to make? (and no I'm not doing the dishes)
I would let you decide as there is nothing better than a chef's specialty. And I would do the dishes to say thanks.
And...44. Did you dig this meme experiment? If so pass it along, if not let me know...
I liked it save for the word "homo." Anyone else, feel free to give'r a go.

6.26.2007

TMI Tuesday

I lack creativity today and nothing spectacular is going on in the life of Me so you get this. Deal with it.

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart?
I think I'd go with more courage on this one. Sometimes my paranoia and fear keep me from doing things I'd like to do. I love me some comfort and at times fear change. Like, had I not been so afraid to go away to college I know my life would have been much different. I had the opportunity to move to NY and again, the fear kept me here in Oxnard. So yeah, I already know my heart and brains are in good shape so that'll do.
2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for?
Yes, once for jury duty (or as I like to call it "jurty durty"). I didn't get picked though. I think it had something to do with my 12 years in Catholic school.
3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do?
I am constantly saying I won't do things and end up doing them. It would be hard to pick just one occurrence. Ask BFF about the red meat thing. Or about several flames I keep reigniting. The moral of that story? Never say never.
4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation?
The only time I have ever had anything remotely close to a summer fling was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school. I had gone to Australia for 3 weeks and didn't hook up the entire time. Once we got on the 17-hour plane ride home, however, it was a different story. Mind you, I was a virgin back then so I didn't join the Mile-High Club but there was some heavy petting involved. Oh, Jason. Where are you now?
5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew?
Thankfully I have known the names of everyone I have ever had sexual contact with and still know those names. I would list them here to prove it to you but that would just be lame. My favorite name though? Moon Tomahawk. I thought it was an alias but I saw the driver's license to prove it. Unless it was a fake ID...
Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart?
A tear in your beer? A box of Godiva chocolates? Ultimately, I am a firm believer in time being the healer of all wounds. That and the shoulder of a good friend to lean on.

6.25.2007

Tagged!

Miss Hella made me do it:

1. I get tonsilloliths. When I was a senior in high school I got a wicked bad throat infection that left my tonsils looking like honeycombs. So now I get these. And the only reason I know what they are is by way of Googling "tonsil deposits." Apparently, I am not the only one suffering from this affliction.

2. I have the uncontrollable urge to tidy up. I'll be the first one to clear the table or pick up trash at a party, even my own. Just the other night I did my brother's dishes while I was babysitting E just because I didn't want to see the clutter.

3. There are three main foods I dislike and have stated this ad nauseum: bologna, whole olives, Swiss cheese. The bologna because I OD'd on it one summer in North Dakota while staying with my aunt in her trailer. My staple was bologna and American cheese microwaved together. This was also the same time I attempted the Ogilve home perm so there were a lot of bad choices made that summer. The olives because, again, of ODing. I used to put them on each finger when I was wee and pop 'em in my mouth. I'm over that now. Swiss cheese? Well I just don't like it unless it's the Laughing Cow triangular pieces of goodness.

4. Almost every time I go to Farmer's Market I touch the spicy Chinese cracker snack bags though I have yet to purchase any. Ever. Nor shall I.

5. I compulsively delete my incoming/outgoing phone call records and sent text messages on my phone. Apparently I'm covering my tracks for no reason.

6. I have a very difficult time with the words "Multiple Sclerosis." If I don't say it slowly it comes out "Multipler Scrosis."

7. I have never waxed any hair on my body nor do I have the urge to. No matter how many times it is suggested. I pluck my eyebrows every morning just to avoid the hot wax and it doesn't matter how much better they'd look if I'd only let someone shape them. My cookie will also never feel hot wax or the sensation of hair ripping from the follicles.

I'm not much of a tagger so if you want to do this knock yourself out. Do it here for all I care.

E at 8 mos.



6.22.2007

Phrase of the Day

Kitty and I have way too much time on our hands. Guys get the privilege of saying "busting your balls" when they tease one another so we developed the female version:

"Don't get butt hurt, I'm just tweakin' your tits."

Spread it like wildfire.

Summer's Here Haiku Friday

Hit post Two-Five-Oh
I sure do blog a whole lot
About nothing, right?
***
Insurance fraud claim
Stupid allergy doctor
Hands off my money
***
Me and the monkey
I'm babysitting tonight
Hope I don't break him

6.21.2007

R for Randi

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
fuck (5x)
pain (3x)
shit (2x)
hells (1x)

Stolen from Rhys

The Oxymoron That Is The Summer Cold

Wouldn't you know it? After snuggling with E all day on Father's Day and having him wipe his snotty little nose all over auntie, I have taken on his cold as my own. A summer cold? Really? That sort of thing should be outlawed. And it figures that as soon as I got back on my fitness kick this would happen. But rather than let it ground me, I decided to skip the gym in favor of a nice long walk around the 'hood with HLP. The June gloom has finally lifted and blue skies and warm weather are abundant these days. Today is the official first day of summer. Summer solstice, if you will. Time for BBQs. For road trips to the Bay. For washing the car in cut-offs and a halter top. For flip-flop tans. For picnics. For laying out by the pool. Mmm. How did this turn in to a Summer Love Thursday?

6.20.2007

Fuck Waldo! Where's Randi?

I'm at the 45 second countdown mark... In case you didn't see the back of my head. Some random dude found this whilst stalking me. This was on some random fool's camera that stood by me on Picture Day at Dodgers Stadium. Can you say random?

First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

Taurus
April 19 - May 19

If you analyze your life, you will see that it has completely changed over the past twelve months, dear Taurus. You have matured as an individual, and your actions have only been beneficial to yourself and those around you. Try to make changes as often as you can. You can't stop now! You need to feel that your life is evolving all the time. There is no time to rest!

How is that for a moral of the story Hump Day? And I didn't even have to write it. MSN Horoscopes said it all for me. Yesterday after the rant I decided that if a change is to be made, I am going to be the one who makes it. And after a full day of healthy eating at the work place and 8 whole days without candy, I went to the gym. For the first time since the 4th of this month. And I didn't wimp out after half an hour like I usually do. No, sir. Half an hour on the elliptical, another half an hour on the treadmill. Because after sitting on my ass for eight hours a day, my body deserves to be active for at least an hour. Right?
It seems the devil designed the shopping center in which my gym lies because when you emerge from a sweaty work out, you get slapped in the face by the tempting and overwhelming smell that is In-N-Out. For those of you outside of California, I pity you. Come and have one. Anyway, the folks wanted me to bring them burgers for dinner and I had yet to eat so I figured I would just eat with them. Instead of getting the Double Double meal with fries and a huge sodie like I usually do, though, I decided to get a regular cheeseburger (can't do hamburgers) and mooch of their fries instead of getting my own. And I washed it down with clear, cool water instead of delicious carbonated goodness. Baby steps.
And instead of vegging out in front of the boob tube, I went to the market to stock up on wholesome vegetables and good eats. When I got home I walked to the Eli's to drop off the beer that shall no longer haunt my fridge. And do you know what the result of healthy eating and all that exercise is? Unanticipated bowel movements. We're talking a "turtle head pokin' out." Dear Lord did I run home. TMI? Maybe. All I know is if I hadn't been wearing shorts I would have considered just going in my pants. Dang.
So here's to new beginnings. Hats of to you, BFF, for getting the diet and fitness ball rolling.

6.19.2007

It's My Blog...

... And I'll rant if I want to. You guys, last night I went shopping. I thought I'd be really cute and try on some medium tee shirts. Think again! Not gonna happen. Mind you, this isn't the best time to be trying on clothes. Technically, and this may be TMI, I'm in my PMS stage. But not really. I've finally decided that I simply do not need to get my period every single month of my silly life so I'm tri-cycling my pill. So that means I will get a quarterly instead of a monthly period. Not too shabby. Anywho, that means I'm still bloated and having the symptoms of PMS with nothing to show for it. Nice.
But I digress. After a hearty beer, a not-so-healthy salad and half a Pizookie I split with my ma we thought it would be cute to go shopping. So we did. And I know for a fact that my 10s are already tight so why I put myself through this I'll never know. I ended up buying a couple shirts and ma and I headed back to her place. Sounds kinky but it's not. You guys are gross. To add to the brilliance that is me, I decided to weigh myself on her scale. After a huge dinner. And a beer. And a Pizookie. And on PMS. Bad idea. While I know the number is more than likely not accurate it still saddened me.
176.2What. The. Fuck. Unacceptable. Just a month ago I was bragging that I'd gotten down to 165. Remember that? When I was giving y'all hints on how to lose weight? I should be ashamed of myself. Siiiigh. So here I go again. Back on another diet. Back to the gym. I'm dropping the beer in my fridge off at Eli's. I'm getting some produce and chicken boobs at the market. And I'll be down 25 lbs. by December, if not sooner. Mark my words.

6.17.2007

Three Happy Daddies

First Father's Day
E and Great Grandpa
The Best Gift
E and Grandpa
Tiny teeth

6.15.2007

Grammar Lesson Haiku Friday

Randi's Random Rambuh-lings
See what I did there?
***
I couldn't speak without it
Over the top talk
***
Repetitive Speech
Olives, balogna, Swiss Cheese
Flogging dead horses

6.14.2007

Lengthy and Somewhat Pointless

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while you are well aware that I have sort of nominated myself the class wrangler for reunions. I recently sent out an e-mail requesting updated contact information and people took that to mean they should press "Reply All" and update everyone on their goings on. My bad for not BCCing but who knew that the word hadn't gotten out about the tackiness of "Reply All?" The exchange below was too priceless not to post. Names have been deleted to protect the innocent.

He Said:

All,
I've been in Oxnard since inception... Lol... No, I left and came back like so many. I'm currently in India training other computer associates to do the job that I do for a Software company in Santa Barbara in the evenings when we are asleep. As some of you know, I went straight after school and joined the Marines. I left that position after 6 years of the reserve and haven't looked back until my stay in India. The world needs warriors, and although most of you won't agree with me, there is a reason that the United States is where it is today, and that is due by a large part to the sacrifices that many people in the military have made throughout the ages, as well as philanthropists and artists I'm sure, however, action speaks louder than words or works. At any rate, I hope that life finds most of you contented in your endeavours, whether rich or poor, or married or single... I for one am not going to sit at the bar and drink my life away like some of you aspire to, rather enrich our country and people with personal sacrifices that they take for granted. From being in India, I at times feel that most of the people in America need to wake the fuck up and realize what they have got compared to the rest of the world. It's a sobering experience to say the least. I for one was the first to sit in the bar and drink away, however, now the experience has changed, and I see the world through a clouded lens... From the Fine Doctors and other professionals that I am speaking to, may your endeavours treat you for the remainder of your days. I respect you and honor your commitment to your profession, however, I for one will stand against tyranny, and will fight to the death for your freedom. Any comments please let me know... Both myself and (anonymous) joined the Corps. We are brothers who went to high school together, yet did not cross paths in the military, yet if the shit hit the fan, both of us would protect each other as if our lives depended on it. Tell me I'm wrong, (anonymous)... I wish that all of you have had great experiences such as this and again, no harm in my message to any of you...
Always Faithful,
(anonymous)
USMCR

She Said:

Hello (anonymous),
Wow - that was an intense e-mail. It sounds like you've had a very interesting life since High School. That... is great for you. However, I don't think you understand the purpose of the contact list. It was my understanding that the contact list be used to 1) Let Randi know if you were interested in a "get together" and 2) Have fun getting in contact with people you may not have spoken to for the last 12 yrs. I don't think criticism was on the list. So... let me get this straight. A good American citizen is A.) Someone who doesn't drink in a bar. What about the thousands of American soldiers (your brothers) who are drinking in bars at this very moment. I know my fair share of soldiers. B.) Someone (like you) who goes to another country to teach men and women to take American jobs. That is what you do, right? Software company in California training computer associates in India - Is that so your software company can pay them less money? Wow, you really do sound like a human rights activist. I'm happy that you're happy - I'm glad you're so passionate but don't use the contact list to belittle the rest of us. Whether we drink in a bar or not... I'm pretty sure we're all proud Americans doing important work for the next generation.
No harm in my message,
(anonymous)
P.S. GO AMERICA! We respect and appreciate our American Soldiers!

Hump Day Recap

Thanks to Pink Is The New Blog I have reverted to childhood. Yesterday after work I bee-lined it to Mik's (No, not Mike's) Comics in Oxnard and purchased Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8 in comic book form. I could be mistaken but I am not sure the man behind the counter took kindly to the fact that I called myself a nerd for wanting these as comics are apparently his life. Oh well. I feel that a 30-year old woman has no business in a store that sells that sort of merchandise lest she is looking for a child's gift. Either way, all but one is now in my possession. The other one's on order. Meaning I have to go back.
That? Was the nice part of my afternoon. Unfortunately, the rest of it sort of sucked. Yesterday morning I had gone for x-rays because my ribs hurt so badly. Moral of that story? A grown-ass woman has no business experimenting with x-treme sports. Anyhoo, nothing is broken so I was prescribed a pain killer. That pain killer? Motrin. Fuck all that noise! If I am going to pick up a prescription from a pharmacy I want it to be for a Soma or a Vicodin not something I can buy over the counter! Grrr. But when I went to pick it up, it wasn't filled. So I'm trying to dull the pain with Ibuprofen. Not really working.
By the time I got home at 5:30, I was spent. I threw in a microwave dinner and kicked my heels up with my Entertainment Weekly hoping to just chill. Instead, my neighbors decided it would be the perfect time to serenade the apartment complex with a string of Lowrider Oldies and a finale of "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. On full blast. However, at around 10:30 their music bumping escalated into hand-to-hand combat, breaking glass and a bevy of repetitive expletives. Enough is enough so I called the Oxnard PD and they came to take a report. I would like to commend their prompt response time. They were there in no more than 5 minutes. The cops no sooner left and they were at it again. The saddest part is they have a little girl and she's watching her parents abuse each other. That's simply no good.
So I ask you this. If you were the neighbor hearing these sorts of shenanigans, would you have called the police or just ignored it? On one hand, I'm glad I called if for no other reason than that child's well being. On the other hand, I did break out in a cold sweat when the cops arrived because I fear retribution. I blame too many episodes of The Sopranos.

6.13.2007

Lucky Number 13

Eleven was truly enjoyable. Like everyone else in the free world, I loathed Twelve. Had it not been for Kevin dragging me to Thirteen, I probably would have skipped it all together. It's for this very reason that I fear this movie review will be mediocre at best. So I'll just ramble. Ellen Barkin is smokin' hot. George Clooney is not too shabby himself. Let's just say, you will not be wanting for eye candy as far as the cast goes but I've yet to find the appeal of Brad Pitt, his philandering aside. I guess he's just not my type. The heist wasn't predictable for this viewer but it appears Kevin saw it coming. Sporadic laughter was elicited but I thought the funniest parts of the movie were the Mexico scenes. Las Vegas looks really appealing to me right now. Yeah. I think you can wait for video on this one.

6.12.2007

The Little Blogger That Could

***UPDATED WITH PICTURES
Wow. I feel like such a jerk for not blogging yesterday. BFF really drove the point home that if I didn't update daily I hated my blog. See how jokes can get out of hand? For the record, I will blame my newly acquired injury and the all-around mania that Mondays generally possess for the delay in updates.
This weekend was so much fun. I was going to wait and do a whole camping post with pictures included but, really, who has the time? Hetero Life Partner invited me to the lake with her familials and we had a blast. I'll try and do a time line sort of snippet post and then maybe, if you're lucky, you'll get pictures tomorrow. I make no promises, though, because I'm going to see Ocean's 13 with Kevin tonight. Then again, what the hell do you care, right? On with the show:
  • Friday night at Carl's Jr and/or Taco Bell in Fillmore is the place to be. 3 busloads full o'chirruns probably returning from Magic Mountain. I've never seen lines like that at a fast food joint.
  • HLP has no sense of direction. We ended up going right and she had a feeling that was wrong and so we flipped a bitch and went left. 20 minutes later, in the middle of a desolate corn field, we realized right was right after all and we turned around.
  • On Saturday morning I saved HLP from a pincher bug. Crushed it with my own fingers. If that's not true love I don't know what is.
  • That was also the day of my injury. I was flung from a U-Tube raft (as pictured below but that's Ruby Soho, not me) that was being pulled by a boat going approximately 45 mph. Held on like a G for at least two and a half minutes but then the raft decided to flip three times and throw me in a seated position on my right side onto a lake that felt like it was made of concrete. Did the dead man's float in the water because the wind was knocked clear out of me. Pretty sure that if my ribs aren't broken, they are either fractured or badly bruised. Poor ribs. It hurts to laugh, cough, sneeze, breathe, bend over and drive stick shift. Pity me.
  • Back at camp I passed out on a reclining lawn chair. Sawed logs while the rest of the campers enjoyed s'mores without me. Damn you, HLP for not waking me up.
  • Unintentionally came up with a poem about foreplay. Like to hear it? Here it go: Boobie, boobie, cookie, boobie. Come on, daddy, give it to me.
  • We had the pleasure of sharing camp with the tiniest two-month old German Shepherd puppy. He had no name but I named him Trouble because every where anyone went, Trouble followed.
  • Sunscreen (as featured smeared on my swimsuit below) is very important. Remember, though, to put it ALL over. I missed two spots on each armpit so I am now blessed with sun burnt half-moons on both pits. Sexy.

Tracksy

Oops, I did it again. I put that damn tracker on my blog and now I see all my little stalkers. But no one loves me as much as you, Amgen person. Who are you? Show thyself. 65 views in 5 days? Really? Am I that interesting?

6.08.2007

Creepy CSUCI Article

Pulled Over By The PoPo Haiku Friday

Driving back from lunch
I saw the blue and red lights
So I pulled over
***
Highway patrolman
My problem? Tinted windows
That way for four years
***
My cherry on top
He left for a collision
No fix it ticket

6.07.2007

Love Thursday

Today rather than list the things I love (i.e. my nephew, blue skies, etc.) like I was planning on doing I wanted to focus on the things I love about myself. The sad thing about our society is that I am a size 10/12 depending on who's making the clothes. And when I look in the mirror I feel like I've failed somehow. Why? Because I'm not a single-digit clothing size? Because I am not a celebrity with endless amounts of money to pay for personal trainers and cooks? Because 8 hours a day I am virtually tied to a desk and at the end of my day I'd rather go home and veg than run on a treadmill? Seems pretty stupid to me.
I love that I:
  • Am a loyal friend
  • Make people laugh
  • Am told I'm a pleasure to work with
  • Catch on quickly
  • Am an aunt
  • Have pretty brown eyes
  • Support myself living on my own
  • Am finishing my college education even though it's a bit late
  • Get As and Bs in my classes
  • Am a forgiving person
  • Have great relationships with my family
Damn. That felt good. What do you like about me? Haha. Just kidding.

6.06.2007

Hump Day Me Me

1. What's in your wallet?Isn't that a credit card commercial? Hardly any money, IDs, gift cards, picture of my nephew, debit and credit cards. The usual.
2. Whats under your bed?
Plastic bins containing jamamas and purses.
3. What's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet?
Lots of pictures, ball caps, shoe boxes stacked to the ceiling.
4. Whats in your underwear drawer?Underwear, clearly, and nice smelling satchels.
5. Whats in the trunk of your car?A yoga mat, a spare tire, a jacket and emergency kits.
6. What colour is the underwear you are wearing right now?
Black. Nothing gets between me and my Calvins.
7. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what's in it?
I often hide myself under my covers though I'm not sure how secret that is. Otherwise, no, I don't really have a stash spot. "You put your weed in there."
8. Do you feel guilty about something right now, if yes what?
I'm Catholic. I always have an air of guilt about me that's never warranted.
9. What is the most embarrassing thing in your room right now?Is a vibrator still embarrassing at my age? If not I guess it would be some of the CDs I own - can you say Color Me Badd?
10. Have you done something recently you hope no one finds out about?
Nah, not much of a secret keeper. I figure I'd rather mock myself before others get the chance.
11. What is your last thought before you fall asleep?Man, I am lame for going to sleep this early. I have done nothing to be this tired.
12. How long have those leftovers been in the fridge?
Leftovers? Have I mentioned my weight problem? There are no leftovers.
13. If I confiscated your computer and took a look around....what would I find?
Mostly music and pictures I guess. I don't do computer porn.
14. Do you sleep with anything?
I have a teddy bear I've had since I was a wee girl that is tattered and torn from too much love. Much like Corduroy or the Velveteen Rabbit.
15. What is your midnight snack weakness?I'm too busy sleeping to eat.
16. Have you ever shop lifted?
Small things like a set of Mickey & Minnie plastic figurines from Disneyland and a lipstick from K-Mart... Yeah I was in like 8th grade. Now I just charge it if I can't afford it.
17. Have you ever vandalized anything?I'm not down with vandalism. My car was a victim one too many times. It blows.
18. Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?Dude... what is this 1989?
19. What do you wait until no one is looking to do?
Dig the chonies out of my crack or pick my nose. She's a lady, folks. Through and through.

6.05.2007

Baby Steps

First of all, I want to give a shout out to Buzz for keeping me in line after yesterday's post. Thanks to his encouragement, this little lady dragged her ass to the gym last night and burned upwards of 400 calories on the elliptical trainer. Not only that, but I passed on the puffing and the ever-so-perfect beer that would have complimented the 4 tacos (no sides) I binged on at my mom's place. But? I feel I was still triumphant by passing on home made brownies. Oh, mom. Ever the saboteur. Gotta love her.
I don't know if it's possible to be depressed while on antidepressant medication but there is a very good chance that that is what's going on here. I went to bed at 8:30 last night. I just feel so... funky. So "meh" for those of you who speak blogger. The weather outside is not helping any. June Gloom is my least favorite part of living near the beach. All the other months of the year have pretty much perfect weather but the summer months are no less than depressing.
And just so you don't think I'm exaggerating on the weight thing (yes, I'm obsessed), I weighed myself last night and it's not good. Now I'm even more committed to staying on the straight and narrow as far as this diet is concerned. I hope to drop around 8 pounds by the end of June and hopefully keep plugging along into July. Being out of school is nice for a while but I think I'm one of those people that demands structure. This free-time thing is hard.

6.04.2007

Blech.

This past weekend has to be, hands down, one of the most uneventful weekends of my life. On Saturday I did diddly squat other than have dinner with Miss Kitty. Didn't even shower until the late hours of the afternoon. It was nice and relaxing but a total waste of a day. However, in comparison, Sunday was spent breaking many of the seven deadly sins. Well maybe just two: gluttony and sloth. I slept in until 10 a.m. and then at noon I thought "Why not?" and took a nap. For two hours. Are you kidding me? I was awake for two hours before I decided I was too pooped to go on without napping? Jesus. Eating breakfast must have really tired me out. After my nap I said to hell with showering and just lounged on my couch browsing the world wide web and watching TV in my PJs for the remainder of the day. Until I finally retired at 9 p.m. Pathetic. During my waking hours I ate the following, in no particular order:
  • Bagel - 1/2 cream cheesed, 1/2 buttered
  • 2 cups of Joe
  • Banana
  • Saved bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs that should have been for a special occasion
  • 3 beers
  • An entire medium pepperoni pizza BY MYSELF
  • 2 Klondike Oreo cookie ice cream sandwiches.

Are you disgusted yet? I know I am. You guys, I lost 7 pounds and I'm pretty sure that all of it has come back by now. What the fuck is wrong with me? And also? Are any of you on Prozac, too? Because I want to know if it is responsible for the binge eating and potential alcoholism. As of today it's back to the salads and fruit for snacks. I'm going to try desperately hard to remain boozeless save for the weekends the entire month of June. The gym bag is in my car. I want to feel good and look good and right now I'm my own worse enemy.

Man that was bleak. On a high note, I caught the online radio show hosted by my buddies, Darkness and Elle the Pirate. If you haven't given them a listen yet, I highly recommend you do.
Check it out on Sundays. It's a hoot.

6.02.2007

Most. Hilarious. Movie. Ever.

I went into Knocked Up with the feeling that if it was half as good as 40-Year Old Virgin, I'd be stoked. I can't believe I'm typing these words, but KU blew 40 clean out of the water. Whenever I see a hilarious movie I say, "I don't think I've ever laughed that hard." This time, with certainty, I can say my life was in danger due to the extreme laughter during the first half of this movie. Kevin can attest. Thankfully, he saved my life by letting me suck on an ice cube from the bottom of his empty Mountain Dew to lubricate my Sahara-dry throat. People, I could have choked to death. That is no joke.
There is a very good chance that I will have to see this movie again in the theater, it was that good. I think I missed about half of the hilarious one-liners because they were coming rapid fire. The cast was amazing and the chemistry was tangible. And just like 40, KU manages to turn stoner humor into a sentimental, romantic good feeling. Everybody wins. The ultimate date movie. A must-purchase on the day it is released on DVD. This is a classic.
And as a sign of good things to come, there was a trailer for Superbad, starring many of the same actors and written by Seth Rogen (who is in good form to take over the roles Will Ferrell may be getting too old for). Kevin laughed so hard there were tears in the corners of his eyes. It's a good thing this one doesn't come out until August, I need some recupe time.

Random Scary Movie On Cable

AMC late-night on Fridays is crazy. Last night we stumbled across this 1978 Classic. Naturally, it was followed by Puppet Master but I digress. So for some background, I may or not participate in some herbal relaxation methods. Usually, when I am involved in this extracurricular activity, I get sucked into movies I would normally never give a second glance. Magic happens to be one such movie. Ann-Margret a.k.a. Elvis's former flame? Burgess Meredith a.k.a. Rocky Balboa's coach? Anthony Hopkins a.k.a. Hannibal Lecter? Dude, I had no idea Sir Anthony even existed prior to Silence of the Lambs. Well maybe I'm exaggerating, but still. This movie is fucked up. There I said it. Ventriloquism is creepy as it is but when that wooden dummy can act on his own will to stab a dude? Well that just pushes me right over the edge. Chucky was scary but Fats is downright terrifying. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if you want to see a creepy movie, maybe come Halloween-time? Magic is one that flew under my radar but now that I've seen it I may be a bit scarred for life.

6.01.2007

Not That I'm Bragging...

I received a pretty awesome comment this morning in response to this post. Allegedly, Gil Reavill, author of Aftermath, Inc: Cleaning Up After CSI Goes Home left me the following comment:

I'm the AUTHOR, okay? And I appreciate all the kind words. Except the ones about my mom. I could've been your dad, too -- except I didn't have change for a five.

So not only is that quite possible the dopest thing ever to have an author comment on my blog book review, but I totally got capped on! He called my mom a whore! NICE!

Hey June Haiku Friday

Half the year is gone
Wow, Two Double-Oh Seven
I hardly knew ya
***
Thought I was camping
But it's not this weekend, though
Not 'til next weekend
***
So no plans for me
Other than seeing Knocked Up
Practice safe sex, kids