Good Housekeeping

Is Chivalry Dead?

My hetero life partner recently celebrated her one-month anniversary of liberation from a bad relationship. Now that she is back in the dating pool, we were discussing who is supposed to make the first move for a kiss at the end of a date. I began to ponder this because generally I am the one to go in for the smooch or ask for a number or a date. I guess it's because I know what I want so I just go after it. Aggressive much? Truth be told, I can't remember the last time a guy made the first move... it has been that long. Anyway, we got to talking about women's lib and how our quest for independence has changed the game when it comes to the rules of dating. I was just wondering what you guys thought of this. Has this fight for equality between men and women killed the idea of chivalry and romance? Is it now a level playing field? Do men prefer that women go in for the kill now? Or have we just scared you all to the point where you don't know what the hell to do? Do dates still happen or has it dissolved into simply hanging out and seeing where things go?
I happen to love the idea of a man asking me out on a real date. Of holding hands. Of making out instead of effing on the first date. Of being taken out to a nice dinner and a show. Of my date walking on the curb side of the street. Little gestures like this that I haven't had in YEARS. Oh.
Any feedback is much appreciated.


Gratuitious Nephew Pic

My Mecca


On Hallowed Ground

Eli & Jeff Kent

Me & Andre Ethier

I can die now



If there is one thing I love about not being in school it is that I can read for pleasure. The most recent book I've devoured is Aftermath, Inc: Cleaning Up After CSI Goes Home. If it isn't abundantly clear by now to my faithful readers and friends, I am a bit obsessed with all things "true crime." My television may as well have a default setting to Court TV, I may or may not have a crush on Bill Curtis of A&E fame, and when I was wee I used to fall asleep to Robert Stack's melodious narration on Unsolved Mysteries. I also used to be the proud owner of an encyclopedia of serial killers until I got jacked. Falling asleep to tales of murder and mayhem? Yes, I am a sicko.
About a month ago I read an article excerpt from this book in the pages of Maxim magazine. The book's author, Gil Reavill, is a regular writer of their true crime features so it is very casually written. Not scientific at all. The stories of the dark side of human behavior made this book a must have for me. Though I rarely purchase a hardcover, I made an exception. For those of you that don't know, Aftermath, Inc. is an actual business that deals with the clean-up of hazardous materials and biological waste that is left after a violent crime or accident has occurred. This book is chock full of interesting information about all things crime scene. And a plus side for the squeamish? No gory pictures. If you have any interest in this sort of genre at all, this is a must read. Plus it's super easy.
Like your mom.


"End" My Ass

Going in to Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End I knew three things:
1. It was going to be long
2. It was going to be confusing
3. It was going to be visually stimulating
And just as I expected, it was all of those things. Technically, you can go in at the last hour and be satisfied. However, I do not recommend that you see this 168-minute movie after a work day and a few cocktails at happy hour. You may very well fall asleep. There is not nearly enough swashbuckling and way too much story. To quote Elvis, this movie would have been much better with "a little less conversation, a little more action." Newcomers Chow Yun-Fat and Keith Richards were great additions with not nearly enough screen time. Who knew the Rolling Stoner had acting chops? The Will Turner-Elizabeth Swann-Jack Sparrow love triangle is stale by this point and quite frankly there is no chemistry between any of them as far as this viewer is concerned. I will finally admit, though, that Keira Knightley is a very pretty girl when she isn't speaking. Her complexion is flawless. And Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp are frickin' hotties. End of discussion.
It may sound like I'm complaining but I'm not meaning to. Visually, this is a gorgeous movie. The make-up, costumes and locales are, in one word: Rad. The special effects are impressive to say the least. I think the Pirates franchise is a great form of fantasy for grown-ups that are kids at heart but I have no idea how children keep up or find entertainment in these films. Naturally, this third installment left the future wide open for many sequels to come if they so choose to take that course. Chances are good that, just like the first three, I'll go to the fourth and leave the theater wondering why.


At World's End Haiku Friday

Gonna see Pirates
Fundraiser so no long lines
Long ass movie, though
May gray and June gloom
Oxnard must despise the sun
White bod' and no tan
Long weekend ahead
Remember all those who died
Fighting for freedom


The Brilliance of COPS

Cop: "Have you been drinking?"
Drunk: "A little bit."
Cop: "How about a lot a bit?"
Drunk: "No, not a lot a bit."

Unsolicited Product Endorsement

There are many things I love about being a woman but migraine headaches are not one of those things. Yesterday after lunch one hit me and hit me hard. The color drained from my face. Nausea invaded my stomach. Dizziness took over. That familiar tension crept through my right shoulder, up the right side of my neck and ended like an ice pick stabbing into my right eyeball until my peripheral vision in that eye was all but nonexistent. Sounds fun, right?
And for what? To signal that my Aunt Flo was coming for a visit? Thanks, but I don't need advance notice. She's been visiting for 18 years. I'm very aware of her imminent arrival. And? I really do not need to be leaving work early because of the ridiculous discomfort. But I did. I had no choice. While I wish I had taken my medicine at the first sign of the migraine, I didn't. My pills were at home. But when I finally took them, I fell into a deep nap that lasted about 2 hours. By the time I woke up, my migraine had disappeared. I was left with a little bit of wooziness but that passed. This morning I'm suffering from what I like to refer to as a "migraine hangover" where traces of that pain are still there only not to the degree they were yesterday. At this time I would like to suggest that if you, too, are a migraine sufferer, talk to your doctor about Imitrex. It's an amazing little pill and while the side effects sound terrifying, I have had no better prescription for said ailment. Also? BenGay Pain Relieving Patches for tension of the neck, shoulder and back. I stock these at home and suggest you do the same. They're a godsend.
Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.


Summer Break'n Hump Day

Ok, I'll try to get over the fact that my semester is finished. Just give me a week. If you've read this blog at all you know I have a tendency to keep flogging dead horses. Or something.
First and foremost I'd like to give a hearty congratulations to the Dodgers for ending their stupid losing streak. Well played, boys. Keep up the good work.
Secondly, I'd like to give a round of applause to BFF and myself as we both went to work out last night at almost the same time on opposite ends of the country. I am loving me some gym right now. My legs are burning and it feels really good. Though, I'm pretty sure my efforts on the elliptical trainer were essentially cancelled out by the grub fest smack down I enjoyed last night. I don't know how many of you get the munchies but Chex Mix is the shit. That's pretty much all I can disclose at this time.
I was going to try to run with the moral of the story hump day theme I've had going for the last couple weeks but I just don't know that I have one in me today. Maybe you do?
Also, BFF and I were discussing the pros and cons of MySpace and what makes it so freaking addictive. I said that it is because it is voyeurism at its finest. Thoughts?
And in case you didn't notice, that was twice I asked for you to type in your opinion. Think I'm comment hungry? Or just lazy? Show a bitch some love.


Getting Back Into The Swing Of Things

Last night I had no class and I could think of no finer feeling. I came into work at 8 instead of 7:30. I actually took an hour lunch break. And just knowing I didn't have to drive to campus at 5 o'clock was the best. Instead I drove to the gym and, shock of all shocks, they let me in even though it has been ages since my last visit. I trotted to the locker room with my head held high and a smile on my face. I threw on my work out gear, laced up my sneakers and popped my MP3 player headphones into my ears. I hopped on that treadmill and I ran. Well, walked at a fast pace and eventually jogged but close enough. Don't judge me! That long lost feeling of a sweaty face and lungs burning with each breath came rushing back. The pride I felt with that single droplet of sweat running from the crook of my elbow reminded me what I have been missing for the last few months: the exhilaration of exercise.
I've been a bit lazy lately with the physical fitness and the eating right. Birthday celebrations and out of town visitors will do that to a gal. My pants are still loose though and I still feel pretty good. I'm back to measuring out my Cheerios, eating fruits for snacks and having salads chock full o' veggies for lunch. The boozin' has got to come to a screeching halt or at least slow down a bit. I can't remember the last time I went on a bender like this last one (I'm talking weeks) but drinking daily just isn't my bag, baby. And it's not doing the Buddha belly any favors. My new goal is to fit into some size 10 Calvin Klein capris that I've had for years. Slipped 'em on this morning and they "fit" but the material was screaming as it stretched over my ass, hip and thighs. I heard it.


Best Weekend Ever

You guys I literally did nothing this weekend aside from eat, drink and sleep. All weekend. The laundry is not done. The apartment was not cleaned. And I could literally give 2 shits. Saturday I never even showered until about 6 pm. I'm talkin' pajama jammy time. A massage, some babysitting and a nap... next thing you know the day is gone. Yesterday I enjoyed a couple Bloody Marys and a couple beers after Farmer's Market and then spent the rest of the afternoon sporadically napping. Being finished with that semester is the best thing that has happened to me in a looong time. Peace on earth. Good will to men. And all that jazz.

I just realized I've been watching The Simpsons for 20 years. More than half my life. It all started on The Tracy Ullman Show. My little brother Curtis and I used to bond over that cartoon family upstairs because my mom would not allow it on the downstairs TV. Will that show ever get cancelled? The 24 inspired 400th episode was hilarious. What is it about a woman in a dumpster? It's so nice that I was able to replace the Saturday morning cartoon experience with Sunday nights on Fox.

Can you believe that Schatar and Darra got expelled on Charm School? Those bitches Larissa and Shay have GOT to go. Ghetto asses. Grrr. I don't know why I love this show so much. In case you've missed it, be sure to tune in next week. New York is making a cameo. Let the drama begin. Cattiest. Women. Ever.


Shrek 3

I'm not sure what the critics want. Or why cartoons need criticism to begin with. I mean, really. Anyone who has an affinity for the first two installments will find Shrek The Third entertaining. It's no masterpiece, but then I don't think it needed to be as it is for children. The computer animation never ceases to amaze and impress me. Prince Charming's facial blemishes and hair follicles are so freaking realistic I actually forgot he was make believe for a hot second. That could have something to do with the three mojitos I pounded beforehand, however. Man. Mojitos are good. And? I had some Queso Fundido dip which is basically melted cheese with sauteed mushrooms and chorizo. Can you say happy hour? But I digress. This movie definitely made me laugh out loud more than once. The characters are still lovable. Justin Timberlake as Prince Arthur (or "Artie") is great. There is a lot of comedic talent providing voices but they sort of don't get to shine to their full potential due to sheer volume of cast members. Um, I didn't even know my boyfriend Jim from The Office was Lancelot. Hello? Did you see that list of Princesses? The only other thing I found "wrong" was that Donkey and Puss sort of swap bodies and I could not get down with Antonio Banderas's voice coming out of Donkey. Disturbing. Other than that, I liked it and that's my take on it. See it or don't. I'm leaving this one up to you.



I'm So Spoiled Part II

Big thanks go to Fyrchk
(whose blog is now private otherwise I'd link her silly ass)!!!
Got my mewvie in the mail today!
Just in time before I see part 3 tonight!
I guess my birthday wasn't over after all...

School's Out For Summer Haiku Friday

No more school, no more
Books, no more teacher's dirty
Looks. Bye, semester!
Ethan's new name is:
Stinky cheese vampire monkey
Love that little tooth
No more visitors
Birthday is really over
It's time to exhale
(all photos courtesy of Crusty, featured above)


Oh, Hells Yes!

  • I totally watched Better Off Dead last night and it was great! The only thing better than an 80s movie is an 80s movie that has its closing scene at Dodgers stadium. No wonder I love it. HDW and Itchy, I wish you could have been there. I totally would have shared my pita chips and hummus. Though my sole beer would have been mine. All mine.
  • I also took my chemistry final and think I did quite well. I mean, I absolutely passed so that's really all that matters. Never did slip my prof the digits but I still rocked a mean crush on him the whole semester.
  • Officially felt "old" when I shushed some peeps in the library. I actually used the words, "Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to study." Awesome.
  • Another final tonight and then NOTHING! All summer! Reading for pleasure? The gym? Not driving to campus every night? Yes, please! Next semester is going to be a cinch. I'm only taking 2 classes, 2 nights a week as opposed to 3 classes, 4 nights a week. Hooray for free time.
  • My nephew's tooth is on the bottom right in case any of you were wondering. He is now a vampire monkey though my brother has said no blood has been drawn via said tooth as of yesterday.
  • And as for the photo below, my nephew is NOT feeling me up. Sickos.

Disclaimer: Snippets will hopefully come to a screeching halt next week when I'm not cramming for finals during work hours.


I'm So Spoiled

Thank you, Miss Itchy! My DVD came today! Woohoo!
Hooray for being a beggar and posting my wish list forever!

Hump Day Updates

  • Ethan got his first tooth today!!! He'll be 7 months old tomorrow.
  • I am not pregnant. LOL. A few people have suggested I may be since I booted yesterday morning. I went to the OBGYN yesterday for my annual exam and I asked for a pregnancy test. When she asked when my last period was and I told her 2 weeks ago she cocked her head like a confused puppy. When she asked if I was on the pill and I responded in the affirmative, she laughed at me. Moral of that story? Peace of mind costs $15.
  • I got an A- in my Multicultural Drama class. She gave me 30 seconds to plead my case on why I should get an A and I said "Nuh uh. A- is fine."
  • Found out I only have to take 11 more classes until I'm eligible to graduate. Holler. I'll be 32 and still in college but whatevs. At least it seems attainable.
  • Had an awful dream last night about Miss Kitty. We were at a friend's wedding and there was a crazy man shooting up the place. Peeps dead all over the reception. She and I survived and hugged and wept. No point to that story really but it was some sad shit.
  • Other than that, I've got two finals in the next two days and then it's summer time and the living's easy. Sup with you guys?

Pointless pic of Auntie and Ethan in stripes courtesy of BFF



My good friend Claudia made these for my Quinceañera Doble Fiesta and so I thought I would share the recipe since they were such a hit:
24 Jalapeños in half (in water overnight)
1 lb. Sausage
1 lb. Cream Cheese (1 brick/8oz.)
8 oz. Shredded Parmesan Cheese

Cook sausage. Add cream cheese until well blended. Turn off heat. Fold in Parmesan cheese. Stuff and bake. 350 degrees for 1 hour.

*Jalapeños should be cut in half and cleaned out and placed into water overnight (if you want to lessen the spice)

If you want them a little spicy...as you cut in half and clean, place in a bowl of water (the day of) and remove as you start stuffing.



Happy Belated Mother's Day, Moo Lady. My favorite memories of you are watching you get ready for fundraisers by putting on Shalimar perfume. The scent can still bring tears to my eyes. Playing "tent" with you and Daddy on the weekends in the mornings when Curtis and I were little. Silently eating Oreos with Christine while Saturday morning cartoons as not to wake you. How you were at every sporting event. How you always know exactly what's going on without me having to tell you. That I can call you 6 times a day and you never mind. Not only are you the best mommy, but a best friend as well. Love you. Thank you for giving me your smile.

You Guys Rule!

Thank you for making my birthday amazing!
Here are pictures of my Dirty Thirty weekend.



Last Day Of My Twenties Haiku Friday

Eighty-five percent
Prof spilled coffee on my test
So now it's an A
BFF was here
As was 1995
Blast from the past, dude
Dodger game tonight
My first one of the season
Hot dogs til I barf

My Amazon.com Wish List
Seriously, last chance.


Hump Day Moral Of The Story

On Haiku Friday I mentioned crawling through windows and Fyrchk asked me to expand on that. As I have nothing else I can think of to blog about I thought I would humor her. However, the tale is anticlimactic. Quasibeau no longer has the privilege of keeping my company. His three strikes are up. Part of it has to do with the window thing but it also boils down to a couple other things:
  • Standing me up so he could watch the Lakers game (or in another season, Raiders game)
  • Going out with me and then leaving with his cousins any time he got a better offer
  • Not inviting me to the better offer with him
  • Late night drunken booty calls
  • Never taking me on a date
  • Me not wanting him at my birthday party

So what's the window thing? Well Quasibeau lives with his sister, her husband and their children. Apparently, even though he is the ripe age of 27, he shudders at the thought of them knowing that he has "sessual" relations with the wimmins. Like if he'd spend the night at my house, he would freak out in the morning that his sister would know he was with me. Um, k. Well one night he gave me a drunken booty call and I thought it was only fair that I go to his place. When I arrived he was standing at the open window beckoning me to crawl through. Stupidly, I obliged. He's on the ground floor so it wasn't like I had to climb on the roof or something ridiculous. When I got in I shook my head at myself in disappointment. A 29-year old woman crawling through a window for a booty call? You have got to be kidding me. Flash forward several months and I get another drunken call begging me to come over. On the phone I warned him, "If you expect me to crawl through the window, I will drive my car through the front of your house." Pretty clear, no? I get there and he's standing in the open window. Again. After being warned. Nuh uh. Not this time. In no uncertain terms I told him to walk around and open the "FUCKING" front door and stubbornly stood my ground until he did. Why didn't he want to? Because there were people working on the house. Strangers. Workers. And he was ashamed because I, his "girlfriend" was going to spend the night. The moral of that story? If you have to hide that you're with me, you won't be. Sweet Jesus, I'm fly paper for the freaks.

The End

My Amazon.com Wish List
3 more shopping days!



Months of hype for this? Really? It would be an injustice if I said I liked the other two Spiderman movies. Loved would be more accurate. I left both of them wishing I could swing through the beautiful sky scraping landscape of New York City, spitting webs out of my hands. I thought, "You're wrong Tina Turner, we DO need another hero." Spiderman made my childhood love of Batman pale in comparison. For so long I have anticipated number 3. When the trailers came on I would allow no ill speak of how it would just be a lame sequel. The third movie is never good they said. But I ignored them and simply shuddered with delight seeing that black suit... wondering what a treat I'd be in for come the first week of May.
What I was in for was disappointment. Plain and simple. Tobey Maguire can still fill out the suit but as Peter Parker his wide-eyed, dorky innocence wore on me. His alter-ego was more cheesy than dark. Plus he was rocking some ridiculous emo Pete Wentz-wannabe hair-don't. Too much Perez Hilton has turned me against Kirsten "Drunkst" aka Snaggletooth. There was not enough of Venom and too much of Sandman though I will say the FX were pretty dope. Seing Eric Foreman and Lowell as bad guys was a bit of a stretch, though. The story was long and disjointed and too often I found myself bored and wanting more action. Ron Howard's daughter was gorgeous as Gwen Stacy but her role was pretty pointless. And did every character have to cry? Really? Sigh.
You guys have no idea how much it pains me to type these words. Congratulations on a big opening weekend but you let me down, Raimi Brothers. Let me think of something nice to say... the cameo by Bruce Campbell of Evil Dead fame as a French Maître d’ was hilarious. There.
Wanna make me feel better? Buy me the first two on DVD for my birthday. FOUR MORE DAYS!
My Amazon.com Wish List


5 More Days 'Til 30 Snippets

  • Paris Hilton is going to jail!
  • De La Hoya fight was weak!
  • Flavor of Love Charm School Starring Mo'Nique RULES!
  • Spiderman 3 tonight!
  • BFF is coming on Wednesday!
  • Crusty is coming Thursday!
  • Dodgers game with fireworks on Friday!
  • Birthday party on Saturday!
  • Mother's Day on Sunday!
  • Last week of classes!
  • Lots of work to be done and homework to finish!
My Amazon.com Wish List


8 Days of 29 Haiku Friday

Beanie is coming
My former wife visiting
From Santa Rosa
Bye, bye Quasi Beau
No more crawling through windows
I'm a grown woman
Gay class was absurd
Men can be lesbians now
That's one step too far


My Friends Need Your Help

Fyrchk only needs $220 more to reach her goal. Give her money. Simply click here.

Kevin is nominated for some crazy blog award. Go vote for him here:
My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
Need me to pimp you? Comment below.

Love Thursday

Do you know what I love today? That I am completely finished with all my required reading for the semester. Do you know what that means? That I can begin reading for pleasure again. Oh my, it's been a while. First on my list is the BFF recommended Life of Pi. It's currently waiting on my nightstand to be read. Bye, bye Lesbian Body. You shan't be missed.
I also love the fact that I don't have any more major presentations to do. The Multicultural Drama performance was over with on Tuesday night. My oral presentation for the LGBT class was last week. I'm letting out a big sigh of relief.
The only things I have for the rest of the semester are 3 papers, a final exam and a couple revisions to make portfolios. Quite frankly, I plan on wrapping the majority of that up this week and/or over the weekend. That's it! Two weeks from today and school's out for summer.
I have a quick question and would love to know your opinion. My prof said you cannot begin a sentence with "because." I disagree. What do you think?


Three Things Hump Day

*Three Things That Scare Me
1. STDs
2. Dying alone
3. Spiders when they fall out of no where onto your body
Three People Who Make Me Laugh
1. Will Ferrell
2. Steve Carell
3. Seth McFarlane (Family Guy Creator)
*Three Things I Love
1. My nephew's smile
2. NBC's Must See TV Thursday
3. The Dodgers
*Three Things I Hate
1. San Francisco Giants
2. Sucky drivers
3. Food that isn't delicious
*Three Things I Don’t Understand
1. Obesity
2. People who stay in abusive relationships
3. Why more kids aren't taught about birth control
*Three Things On My Desk
1. Pictures of Ethan
2. A calendar proclaiming my 30th birthday on the 12th
3. A wee radio
*Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. See the world
2. Get married
3. Earn this mother-effing Bachelor's Degree
*Three Things I Can Do
1. Bake a mean batch of cookies
2. Make a sound like a wookie/Jetson's car
3. Flip my eyelids
*Three Things I Can’t Do
1. Hold grudges
2. Knit
3. Find a good man
*Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
1. Your mom
2. Your best friend
3. Your first instinct
*Three Things You Should Never Listen To
1. Audioslave
2. Smashing Pumpkins
3. Outspoken Republican Bible Bangers
*Three Things I’d Like To Learn
1. How to not tolerate douchebags for boyfriends
2. How to be fluent in Spanish
3. How to cook without using a cookbook or a recipe
*Three Favorite Foods
1. Cookies
2. Burritos
3. Pizza
*Three Things I Regret
1. Not going away to college
2. Not going on antidepressants sooner
3. Certain gentlemen I've shared my bed with


165, Baby!

Since I recently lost about 7 pounds and am wearing baggy size 10s I thought I would share with you a couple things I do in case you, too, are in diet mode:
  • Eat a salad at least 4 lunches a week. And not a calorie-laden taco salad, either. I'm talking fresh veggies and a tablespoon of a vinaigrette-type dressing. I use a soy ginger organic dressing and my salads generally consist of the following: romaine, cauliflower, broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, snap peas and a smattering of chicken breast.
  • Have a snack every three hours. I like a banana at about 10 a.m. and an apple around 3 p.m. Just say no to chips and cookies.
  • Drink water, water, water.
  • Splenda instead of sugar in your coffee.
  • Subway sandwiches are a great substitute for fast food, which is a HUGE no-no now. I eat there at least twice a week for dinner.
  • Measure out a cup of cereal for breakfast rather than pouring straight into the bowl. I'm currently enjoying Multi Grain Cheerios. And I switched from 2% to 1% milk.
  • Like a smoker craves ciggies, I crave snacks. The same way I don't buy cigarettes, I no longer stock the fridge with diet ice cream or keep candy handy. If it's not around, I don't eat it.
  • Only eat half of what is served at a restaurant or make sure there is always food on your plate when you leave the table. I cover mine with a napkin to avoid picking at it while we sit there.
  • When cravings strike allow yourself a Hershey miniature rather than eat a whole candy bar. Rather than deny yourself, just limit your indulgences.
  • Limit alcohol consumption to the weekends (if you can). Pick wine over beer.
  • If you have a bad day and binge and fill up on the bad stuff, don't give up. Tomorrow's a new day.

And those are my tips. Follow them or don't. All I'm saying is it's working for me. I even wore a bikini over the weekend. Not that I looked like Tyra Banks, but I wasn't mortified by my reflection so it was a personal victory. Can you imagine what would happen if I actually had time to go to the gym???