4.04.2007

Hump Day Blues

When I thought about what I wanted to blog about this morning the most important thing I could think about sharing was that I'm wearing a pair of pants I'd bought right after I stopped going to Weight Watchers that I haven't worn in about a year. Man, that was a long sentence. But pants? Dieting? I mean, could that be any more boring? I feel like we should talk about something new. Something fresh.
And speaking of fresh, I've decided to make some changes in my life. The other day I did a MeMe and it asked me to tell you something that you don't know about me. At the time, I couldn't come up with anything but this morning it came at me like a freight train. What you don't know about me is that for the past four years, hell maybe even my whole life, I have been putting my needs and my own happiness on the backburner. This particular case was to get someone I thought I wanted. Turns out, I don't think I really want him after all, just the idea of him.
Have you ever done this? Led yourself to believe your own lies because you were too scared to be alone? Changed who you are to fit the person you thought you wanted to be with? Realized that your own needs were not being met and that you've wasted way too much time?
That seems pretty drastic but that's pretty much what I have been up to. A long, vicious, torturous cycle that leads to some very dark thoughts, self-loathing and all-around unhappiness. Ask BFF, she knows all about it. There's something about that big number three-oh looming on the horizon that's telling me I need to wake the fuck up already. I need to take care of me. Be selfish to a degree. Seek happiness on my own, not by way of someone. Because the longer I try to change someone, the longer my dreams are put on hold.
So it was said, so it shall be done.

4 comments:

Buzz said...

I know, to a T, exactly what you mean.

Giving so much that you lose sight of everything that is you. Trying to mold yourself around the ideal that someone else has of you..

Yup, I know that feeling, and I'm riding in the same boat you are.

go for it, life is way to motherfuckin' short.

Itchy said...

I did that for years and years. And I believe I still do, to a point. I don't know if my family knows the real me. The really real me. They know pieces of me. But they don't know as much about me as those that visit my blog or see my flickr pictures to see how truly neurotic and crazy I am. I put on the "I'm fine" face with family.

My entire life I've probably been an actress.

I think my husband knows the real me. But part of me wonders if I put on an act in the beginning and that is now such a part of my routine that I don't even know I'm doing it. Really. I worry about this.

So...its good for you to actively know that you do this and to make a change. Before it's too late. Or before you don't even know you are doing it or not. Or even forget who "you" are.

Sassy One said...

Right on!
Amen.
Alleluia!

You deserve the best, and only that!

Jessica said...

I think we all do that at some point. It's just that the smart people don't play the game for as long (I am NOT one of the smart ones). I sometimes wonder if I was intentionally sabotaging myself all those years by wanting something I could never have. Then, one day, you have a realization, or somebody makes a comment, and suddenly you know that you know what you have to do. I assume that must be part of growing up . . . I don't know . . .