Do you remember on Haiku Friday when I said I needed Prozac? Well that was a bit tongue in cheek but the moral of this story is be careful what you wish for. I've tried for a long time to hide the fact that I suffer from depression. Yesterday, my depression truly reached a pinnacle. To put it mildly, I had a break down. My thoughts over the past few months have gotten more and more dark and yesterday I finally confessed to the fact that I am suicidal. It got to the point where I had to call the Crisis Center in Ventura County, request an emergency prescription for an anti-depressant from my doctor, and make what seemed like a billion phone calls to try and find a therapist that could see me. I even went as far as to contact an in-patient treatment facility. They recommended that I consider medication and therapy first and if after that my depression continues then to go to their hospital which is primarily medical treatment as opposed to psychological. I have truly put my best friends and my family through a traumatic time. I've scared them as much as my thoughts scare me. It is unfortunate that it had to come to this for me to realize what a strong support system I have. I don't know if it's the Prozac or the fact that I've finally decided to seek treatment but it feels that for now my dark cloud has lifted. I took today as a mental-health day and have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. It feels like a weight is off my chest to finally admit that I have deep feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and sadness to my friends and family even if they don't understand how that can be. I look around me and see what a great life I have, how much I have accomplished primarily on my own and still find little joy or satisfaction in any of it. Now it's time to make sure I get the help I have needed for so long.
In a far less serious side note, I went to the allergist today and am able to eat more food now. Turns out I have a terrible allergy to dust mites, molds and feathers. Not to my precious beer. Though now that I can drink beer I'm on Prozac so I guess I'll have to think about that one. And just a little bit of good news? I'm down to 166. 6 pounds lost in 18 days. Not too shabby.
Thank you for reading.