Being Straight With You

Do you remember on Haiku Friday when I said I needed Prozac? Well that was a bit tongue in cheek but the moral of this story is be careful what you wish for. I've tried for a long time to hide the fact that I suffer from depression. Yesterday, my depression truly reached a pinnacle. To put it mildly, I had a break down. My thoughts over the past few months have gotten more and more dark and yesterday I finally confessed to the fact that I am suicidal. It got to the point where I had to call the Crisis Center in Ventura County, request an emergency prescription for an anti-depressant from my doctor, and make what seemed like a billion phone calls to try and find a therapist that could see me. I even went as far as to contact an in-patient treatment facility. They recommended that I consider medication and therapy first and if after that my depression continues then to go to their hospital which is primarily medical treatment as opposed to psychological. I have truly put my best friends and my family through a traumatic time. I've scared them as much as my thoughts scare me. It is unfortunate that it had to come to this for me to realize what a strong support system I have. I don't know if it's the Prozac or the fact that I've finally decided to seek treatment but it feels that for now my dark cloud has lifted. I took today as a mental-health day and have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. It feels like a weight is off my chest to finally admit that I have deep feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness and sadness to my friends and family even if they don't understand how that can be. I look around me and see what a great life I have, how much I have accomplished primarily on my own and still find little joy or satisfaction in any of it. Now it's time to make sure I get the help I have needed for so long.
In a far less serious side note, I went to the allergist today and am able to eat more food now. Turns out I have a terrible allergy to dust mites, molds and feathers. Not to my precious beer. Though now that I can drink beer I'm on Prozac so I guess I'll have to think about that one. And just a little bit of good news? I'm down to 166. 6 pounds lost in 18 days. Not too shabby.
Thank you for reading.


Itchy said...

Oh Randi. I can't properly express what I want to. I'm so glad you looked for help. So many people don't. I wish I was eloquent or something right now. I don't want to say something cheesy like "hugs" or anything like that. I want to be sincere. This is me being sincere. I'm glad you went for help...

And on a less serious note: We truly are so alike it's spooky! My allergens? Dust mites and feathers. I still think mold, even though the test said no. But my nose responds to mold!

And yay for 6 pounds less of Randi. Not that I enjoy less Randi...but it makes you happy. So it's all good to me.

Angela said...

Hi Randi,
If you ever need to talk I'm here for you. I've been depressed in the past, so I know what it's like. I will pray for you. I hate to sound cheesy, but you are loved.

Buzz said...

Been in your world before too.

It gets better.

Strongest thing you'll ever do is look for help, and I'm proud of you for doing so.

Any amount of positivity and uppity encouragement makes no difference when you don't believe it.

You've made a huge step in believing, and you're very brave to write about it.

29 with 30 around the corner. Exactly when I stepped back and sought help too.

Heart goes out to you Randi, be good, get better, tomorrow is brand new.


Jessica said...

My good thoughts are with you.

fyrchk said...

You know my number...call me anytime day or night. We will watch I love NY together. Or...the new Charm School. Because we are cool like that.

I went through a terrible period and then I was able to get through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Love you girl!

hotdrwife said...

I second Fyrchk. I went through a really rough period of depression after my dad died, and then again a few years ago due to some situational stuff. If you need anything at all, I'm here. Having been down that road, I found that what helped me was to know I wasn't alone -- and talking to others (friends, a therapist, whatever). And about whatever was/is bugging you. So know you can talk this way if you need to. :)If I were there, I'd give you a big big hug.

Randi said...

Thank you all very much. Your words mean more to me than I can express.

Shora said...

Holy shit hon, I was away from blog land for a little bit and so shocked to come back and read this. It's amazing how many people suffer from crippling depression, just look at these comments, and I'm another to add to the list. Therapy and medication and the whole nine yards. Know I'm here anytime honey if you need an ear or a shoulder. Friends who understood were a huge help to me during my time in the dark. I'm so glad to hear that you're getting help and that you're feeling more positive already. Love ya.

Hella said...

All I can say is that I am very glad that you were able to get this off your chest and decided to get some help.
Some people sit and suffer. You are a strong woman and I would never want you to go through that.
My thoughts are with you and I am sending you big Easter HUGS!!!!