THE LESBIAN BODY THE JUICE THE SPITTLE THE SALIVA THE SNOT THE SWEAT THE TEARS THE WAX THE URINE THE FAECES THE EXCREMENTS THE BLOOD THE LYMPH THE JELLY THE WATER THE CHYLE THE CHYME THE HUMOURS THE SECRETIONS THE PUS THE DISCHARGES THE SUPPURATIONS THE BILE THE JUICES THE ACIDS THE FLUIDS THE FLUXES THE FOAM THE SULPHUR THE UREA THE MILK THE ALBUMEN THE OXYGEN THE FLATULENCE THE POUCHES THE PARIETES THE MEMBRANES THE PERITONEUM, THE OMENTUM, THE PLEURA THE VAGINA THE VEINS THE ARTERIES THE VESSELS THE NERVES.
And to that I say: WTF?
1. Which five words describe you best?
2. A super-advanced think tank with outlandish resources including time travel hands you a list of names of the people who will commit the most heinous, horrifying crimes in the next ten years. You are given the option of hunting these people down and 'eliminating' them, before they have a chance to commit those crimes. Do you do it? Why/why not?
Considering I have a bit of a violent streak as it is I'd venture to say I'd do it. I've declared in the past that if I had a bullet and could get rid of someone guilt free, Paris Hilton would be first on my list and she's not even really a bad guy. She's just a poor role model and I hate what she has done to young girls and small animals. Then again, the stuff bad people do usually results in good people coming together to make change so this is a toughy... I would say I'd do the first one on the list, see how I feel after that and go from there. Like My Name Is Earl or something.
3. A fairy (the wish-granting kind) shows up and offers you a deal: Tomorrow morning, you can wake up and every wish you ever wanted, everything you ever desired, will be yours. Wealth, health, love...you've got it...with just one minor catch: you have to spend your life as the opposite gender, as you will be transformed upon having all your wishes granted. Do you do it? Why or why not?
I think I would go ahead and say yes to this crazy fairy. I don't have a sig other or children so they wouldn't necessarily be affected. I also consider myself a bit of a tomboy as it is and love me some boobs so I really don't see who loses in this situation. Plus it wouldn't be taboo if I farted or scratched my crotchal region and I'm already big into sports. I also have my beer belly and that would be sort of sexy if I was a dude whereas on a chick it's sorta yucky. And if I wanted to go bald or shave my head I totally could. Man, where is that fairy?
4. You are given the opportunity to travel back into your past and change one thing. What would it be? Or would you not do it?
I would change not going away to college in a heart beat. I think my whole life would have been much different if I had only gone away to school and finished it up by the time I was 21 or 22. Being a breath away from 30 and still in college while working full time is no cake walk. It would just be a shame to miss out on my first love and the crazy amount of work experience I gained during those years I flittered about aimlessly...
5. Describe your favorite color to a blind person who has never seen it. (You'll have to be creative and use other senses besides sight...fun! And to make it extra fun, don't say what the color is, so we can try to guess it.)
My favorite color is the feeling of sadness and cold weather. It's a chilly breeze of a color. It's the color of fresh air in your lungs or ice cubes on your finger tips. If it could make a sound it would be the crash of a wave at the beach.
I can shamefully say I totally check out my ex-boyfriend's page and wonder why he still looks exactly the same as the day we broke up. Isn't he supposed to be all fat and bloated now that he's married and has babies?
My friend Kevin has a myspace blog and he gets like 200 comments a day. I'm super jealous.
I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. Just like I have absolutely no idea where this blog is heading. Prozac, man. Totally gives me writer's block. I have no more crazy rage to vent. My self-loathing is at an all-time low. Kind of makes for boring reading. I'll try harder next week.
Got a call from my ex/friend that he saw the guy I'm currently seeing at a bar last night. He then proceeded to tell me he overheard him talking and considers him a total fucking idiot. I got super defensive and mad and now I'm just wondering if he's jealous. When I called him on it he denied that he was but I don't know why else he'd be hating on my booty call. Men. Always want what they don't have and don't want what they do.
That's about all I've got for now but I told Exile I'd post so The Landlord and its auto-playing ass would be removed from my page. Happy now?
April 19 - May 19
Today you may feel a bit overwhelmed with obligations and commitments to friends and organizations. There is not a moment free to yourself, not even to go to the bathroom. Clearly, something is out of balance here, dear Taurus. It is time for you to once again take charge of your life. It is wonderful that you have such a giving and generous spirit, but you do no one any favors if you burn out from exhaustion. Take some time for yourself to refill the well of your soul.
Not to delve too deeply into what my therapist and I discuss once a week (mandatory for the Prozac/suicidal thoughts), but this? Is exactly what we're talking about. "Obligations" and "commitments" led to to the point where I broke down. I forgot to take time for myself. So Dr. B and I have decided we're really going to work on getting me a good dose of narcissism. A big part of my problem is that I'm more willing to meet the needs of others rather than take care of my own so he wants to make me a little bit more selfish. Teach me that I'm worthy of things I never considered myself worthy of before. Sounds good huh?
April 19 - May 19
Don't take anything you read or hear today at face value, dear Taurus. It is possible that you will receive some rather distressing news. But before you burst into tears or start to tear your hair out in frustration, read the fine print. The news may not really be so bad. In fact, it may not even be true! Take a deep breath and give a sigh of relief, then get back to your normal routine.
I thought I'd take a second today to reflect on my horoscope. For the last week one of my co-workers has asked when my other personality is going to come back. The feisty, mean, quick-witted Randi. It would seem that lately, I've just been too even-keeled for his comfort. Quite frankly, I don't know if I agree. Mostly I just feel tranquil. Prior to being on Prozac I always felt like I was one step away from losing my shit. The slightest things would cause me to break down in tears. After nearly every phone call at work I would make a nasty comment. My road rage was definitely something that made people uncomfortable. Now, though, nothing really seems that traumatic. I still get pissed off when some dumb bastard doesn't use his "turning indicator" (Thanks, Kryst) or if he has to come to a near stop just to make a right hand turn. I just don't scream and cuss until the vein pops out of my forehead any more. And we already discussed my reaction to bikini shopping so there's no need to revisit that.
It's really a shame that there is such a stigma attached to antidepressants. For so long I resisted going on medication because I thought that would mean I was crazy. But it's not like that. Right now, for the first time... I don't know ever... I feel normal. Level. I don't feel super great like I have no problems. I'm still stressing about school. I still cry at movies. I just don't react as strongly as I used to and I think that's ok. For so long I suffered needlessly because I was afraid of what other people would think if I was on meds. Just can't figure that one out. If I had kidney disease would I have waited so long to get help? Something to think about.
Miss Sassy has nominated me as a "Thinking Blogger" so I told her I'd play along. And even though her blog is thought provoking, I shan't re-nominate her as I'd like to break that vicious cycle. So here goes my 5 nominations:
1. Coodence's World - Not only is she my BFF and the reason I'm a blogger but she's always writing about things I would have never thought about on my own. Plus she lives in New York City which is much more fascinating to me than anything going on in Oxnard. Hell, they had R2D2 mailboxes for chrissakes. Also, she's much more aware of world news and is my link to what's going on around me.
2. Just A Trucker - While he will be the first to admit his spelling and grammar could use a hand, Trucker never fails to shoot from the hip. He blogs about everything from family to religion to some really romantic fantasies. Not too shabby on the HNT tip, either. Plus, he's a trucker (obviously) who takes gorgeous photographs of the states he passes through and they never fail to inspire me.
3. The Churning - There's a very good chance these boys should be imprisoned or institutionalized but I can't stop clicking on the daily. They're not afraid to play "Grosser Than Gross" and then turn right around to write about something as serious as the Virginia Tech shootings. They can bring me to the point of wretching to the point of serious contemplation. Not too shabby.
4. Almost Infamous - One word: Diatribes.
5. Pointless Banter - If you scroll down on the right over there you'll see a link to buy this guy's book. I met him through myspace and we go to the same university. His posts are always well thought out and include pictures. He's hilarious and random yet also incredibly intellegent. Nice combo.
Sorry if I missed anyone but that's quite a link list I have going on and I could only pick 5. However? You guys all make me think so keep up the good work.
Here are the rules from the originating site of the award:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote
Please, remember to tag blogs with real merits, i.e. relative content, and above all - blogs that really get you thinking!
Right now things are pretty good all the way around. I can already see an improvement in my relationships and friendships. I'm finally looking in the mirror and not hating what I see. It's like a fog has been lifted and it feels great. For instance, this weekend I tried on a couple bikinis. Normally I would have been devastated all day by what I saw in the reflection but this time I just laughed it off. Because what the hell am I going to do about clothes don't fit? I guess I won't buy 'em, ya know? But I will not bully myself any more. There's no sense in it.
So if my posts seem a little lame for a bit I guess we can blame it on the Prozac for taking my bitchiness away. Yesterday I did the last of my allergy tests so no more gory photos of bloody arms. For school, I have a total of 4 chapter-response papers to write, a research paper to do, an oral presentation to plan, an interview to transcribe, a reflection on said interview, a take home test to BS my way through and at least one final. In a month's time.
So if there is anything you'd like me to blog about, please feel free to leave your suggestions in the comment box below.
Thank you and have a great Tuesday.
And on with the show...
Do any of you know someone that seems to know all about the weirdest underground movies and deems you worthy of introducing you to them? My uncle is that man for me. However, he introduced me to such cult classics as Grey Gardens and essentially the entire John Waters collection. Not to movies like this. No. This is a genre that went right over my head and boy am I glad Grindhouse was made so I could finally see what I have been missing. Can I say these were good movies? I don't know. They're not supposed to be. But you can clearly see that both Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino made these babies with love. This double-feature has all the faux tell-tale signs of a faded reel-to-reel. And that's what it is. Two feature length films broken up by a smattering of delightful trailers made by the likes of Eli Roth and Rob Zombie. My favorite was Thanksgiving, which you'll just have to see to understand. It's like a time machine back to the days of drive-ins.
Do not miss the opening trailer called Machete. "You fucked with the wrong Mexican." The first half is Planet Terror is Robert Rodriguez's. If you are familiar with any of his other films you'll recognize a familiar cast of characters. It's a zombie feature and is totally disgusting. Death Proof is all Tarantino and features one of the best car scenes I have ever seen on film. Man. There is so much I want to say but don't want to write on ad nauseam. I love how both of these movies seem so old yet they have modern life thrown into them like cell phones and current model automobiles. The chicks in both kick the most serious ass and look hot as hell doing it. You are doing yourself a disservice if you wait for DVD. This is absolutely a must-see in the theater. But only if you respect and admire Tarantino and Rodriguez and love the movie-going experience as a whole.
Otherwise you probably won't like it.
Maybe just give it a shot and donate your hard-earned, cold, hard cash so it won't look like this bad boy tanked. The future of movies is in your hands.
Jesus Christ. I just re-read this and it has to be the most disjointed review I've ever written. Oh well. I'm leaving it. I loved this movie.
Over the weekend after my many indulgences I was surprised to see that I didn't really have any reaction to any of the food I ate. I mean, I had a stomach ache but really that was to be expected considering the binge fest and copious amounts of beer I ingested. Today, however, I had a yogurt for a snack and the roof of my mouth got all hot and puffed up. I guess that will be my last yogurt. Weird how three weeks without eating something can cause a reaction, huh? I really love that I'm doing this allergy testing. Seems like I should probably know what the heck my body's up to.
- Friday consisted of eating all my favorite foods that I have been denied, including but not limited to: Starbucks Hazelnut Latte, pepperoni pizza, ranch dressing, buffalo wings, chili fries and a double-double from In-N-Out.
- Sick to my stomach much? You betcha.
- And of course beer. I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-8 beers. Fat Tire, Black and Tan, Hemp. You name it, I drank it.
- This led me to totally forget the name of a gal who clearly knew me but in my drunken stupor I thought it better to overcompensate and rub her back and call her sweetie like she was my oldest friend. Turns out she just works at the place I get my hair cut.
- An old man with one of those paddles that has an elastic string with a rubber ball connected to it bought me and Miss Kitty each a bouquet of roses because we mocked his skills. Nice to know I still got it.
- Had a bartender recognize me and my friend Patrick (Hooray for surprise visits! He has the best timing EVER!). She was a freshman when we were seniors and just happened to have been Patrick's slave for freshman initiation. We had slave day. At a Catholic high school. Terrible. After his group made her wash a truck in a bikini, years of slave day tradition came to a screeching halt. Sexual harassment much? On a completely random and somewhat related note, our class also forced administration to replace egg babies with flour bag babies in our Marriage and Family class. Bad to the bone, baby.
- Got kicked out of our local strip club because I was too drunk to realize the boys at the front door were not bouncers and proceeded to climb over the velvet rope. Actual bouncer clearly knew I was inebriated and wouldn't allow me to stay. Under any circumstance. Denied! What a dummy though. I would have dropped so much money there.
- Because of that we ended up at the skankiest bikini bar in town. Chances are good P.J. Grunts (the name says it all, right?) will one day be condemned and razed due to hepatitis outbreaks. Good times.
- Spent pretty much all of Saturday on my couch. With the lights out. In my jammies. Watching Flavor of Love marathons and promising to never drink again if it would only make the taste of stale beers and half a dozen cigarettes vacate my mouth forever. I'm too old to waste a day on hangovers.
- Today I started the day off at my brother's church. I quit Catholicism long ago and his girlfriend's mom invited me when she found out I was depressed. It seemed like a good choice. There was rock music and a hip preacher. Unlike any church service I've experienced before. Chances are good I'll go back.
- Easter dinner was delish. Ham, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, crescent rolls, Chardonnay, cream puffs and brownies. Was able to indulge in Cadbury Mini-Eggs to celebrate the end of 7 and a half weeks sans candy of any kind.
- Back on my diet tomorrow.
On a snippetless note, thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I started therapy on Friday and am still trying out the Prozac. I feel like I'm in a good place and for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. Mostly that has to do with the support of friends and family. Thank you for being there for me. Even though we've never met I consider those of you who leave comments regularly my friends and I cherish the words you leave me. Here's to a bright future.
In a far less serious side note, I went to the allergist today and am able to eat more food now. Turns out I have a terrible allergy to dust mites, molds and feathers. Not to my precious beer. Though now that I can drink beer I'm on Prozac so I guess I'll have to think about that one. And just a little bit of good news? I'm down to 166. 6 pounds lost in 18 days. Not too shabby.
Thank you for reading.
And speaking of fresh, I've decided to make some changes in my life. The other day I did a MeMe and it asked me to tell you something that you don't know about me. At the time, I couldn't come up with anything but this morning it came at me like a freight train. What you don't know about me is that for the past four years, hell maybe even my whole life, I have been putting my needs and my own happiness on the backburner. This particular case was to get someone I thought I wanted. Turns out, I don't think I really want him after all, just the idea of him.
Have you ever done this? Led yourself to believe your own lies because you were too scared to be alone? Changed who you are to fit the person you thought you wanted to be with? Realized that your own needs were not being met and that you've wasted way too much time?
That seems pretty drastic but that's pretty much what I have been up to. A long, vicious, torturous cycle that leads to some very dark thoughts, self-loathing and all-around unhappiness. Ask BFF, she knows all about it. There's something about that big number three-oh looming on the horizon that's telling me I need to wake the fuck up already. I need to take care of me. Be selfish to a degree. Seek happiness on my own, not by way of someone. Because the longer I try to change someone, the longer my dreams are put on hold.
So it was said, so it shall be done.
In other news, I cooked dinner for myself last night. I know reading that sentence seems pretty ridiculous since a 29 year old woman typed it but yeah, I don't cook. This diet, however, makes me. I made a delicious chicken breast with sauteed mushrooms, onions and asparagus. Yum. Tomorrow is the last full day of this and I get my test done on Thursday morning. I am hoping the reintroduction of food doesn't drag on forever because I'd really like to be able to eat Easter dinner without restrictions. Tomorrow also marks 7 weeks without candy of any kind as well as 7 weeks without soda save for the one day I indulged in a root beer because my blood sugar was plummeting. Don't want to pull a Nicole Richie now do I?
Yeah... there's really not much going on. I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging lately.
This weekend was real good for me. I did a lot of spring cleaning and that always makes me feel better. The sun was shining, life was easy. On Friday the sunny weather even permitted me to take a 3-mile walk around the 'hood. Gorgeous.
But best of all was that I got to spend some one on one time with my brother on Saturday and Sunday. No Ethan. No Frannie. Just me and Curtis chatting it up, listening to music and hangin' out. I seriously can't remember the last time we did that. It sure was nice. Probably the highlight of my weekend. I did get to see my nephew a lot though. My folks and I babysat him on Saturday night and he's just so darned smart it kills me.
I think that concludes the cheese for the day. Just wanted y'all to know I'm feelin' good.
B - Best Friends? BFF, natch. And Crusty, Kitty and Eli.
C - Cake or Pie? Pie - mmm... cream cheese and strawberry.
D - Drink of Choice? Non alcoholic – Hazelnut Lattes from Starbucks, Alcoholic - Fat Tire
E - Essential Item? Vehicular Manslaughter
F - Favorite Color? Blue
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Bears. The former cartoon and the candy. Yum.
H - Hometown? 'Nard Core! 805, suckas!
I - Indulgence? Used to be ice cream. Siiiiiiiigh.
J - January or February? January as it doesn't house the dark holiday that is Valentine's Day.
K - Kids and Names? None right now but their names will be Christopher Daniel & Stella Christin if I have any say in the matter
L - Life is incomplete without? Love and friendship (one in the same methinks...)
M - Marriage Date? Not yet... (say it like Antonio Banderas in Desperado)
N - Number of Siblings? One younger, father of Ethan. One older, may he rest in peace.
O - Oranges or Apples? Dude, I'd love an orange. Apples on the daily.
P - Phobias/Fears? That I won't get married/have kids.
Q - Favorite Quote? "It's never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
R - Reasons to smile? My nephew's toothless grin and drooly kisses
S - Season? Spring as it brings nice weather, blooming flowers and my birthday.
T - Tag 3 People: Since no one tagged me, I tag no one.
U - Unknown Fact About Me? Hmm... Not much of a secret keeper, per se...
V - Vegetable You Hate? Hate is such a strong word but I'm no fan of canned veggies of any kind.
W - Worst Habit? Is having low self-esteem a habit? If not I go with picking my nose.
X - X-rays You've Had? I've had a couple done on my legs. Oh and at the dentist.
Y - Your Favorite Foods? Dear God this list could go on forever but mostly burritos and pizza.
Z - Zodiac? Taurus