Happy Birthday, Woodrow Wilson Haiku Friday

Lots of visiting
Friends come out of the wood works
This time of the year
Crusty, Cod, Babe, Zach
Elementary school classmates
And high school hookups
Things are slowing down
I got 8 hours sleep last night
So very happy


I Got Nothin'

So to all my brothers from another mother:


Moral Of The Story Hump Day

With a phenomenal 4-day, holiday weekend behind me I came to work this morning to the news that the driver we had recently hired passed away on Saturday. Just Friday we were having a company Christmas pot luck together, laughing and having a great time. He fit in here so well and it was a pleasure having him aboard. Apparently his heart just stopped. He was thirty. Robert, you will be missed.
Moral of that story: Live your life to the fullest and as though today might be your last.


Let's Duet

In me, Judd Apatow has not only a fan for life but a devout follower. The reason for this is not just his grasp of what makes for hilarious comedy, but the comfort of familiarity that comes with his rotating casts of primary players. I believe this particular group was dubbed the Frat Pack. Honestly, The Dewey Cox Story is sub par if you are comparing it to the caliber of The 40-Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up. However, if you take this movie for what it is, a silly good time, you won't be disappointed. Even the music is good! I laughed quite often but I might have written this one off had it not been for Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Justin Long and Jason Schwartzman's terrible impression of the Beatles. It's a can't miss. Everyone is in this movie. Everyone. However, had Kevin not pondered whether Will Ferrell would make a cameo in Walk Hard, I wouldn't have had the disappointment that accompanied his failure to show. And with that, I will part, leaving you with my favorite piece of dialogue, courtesy of IMDB:
Sam: We're smoking reefer and you don't want no part of this shit.
Dewey Cox: You're smoking *reefers*?
Sam: Yeah, 'course we are; can't you smell it?
DC : No, Sam. I can't.
Girl Groupie: Come on, Dewey! Join the party! [takes a hit off a joint]
Sam: No, Dewey, you don't want this. Get outta here!
DC: You know what, I don't want no hangover. I can't get no hangover.
Sam: It doesn't give you a hangover!
DC: Wha-I get addicted to it or something?
Sam: It's not habit-forming!
DC: Oh, okay... well, I don't know... I don't want to overdose on it.
Sam: You can't OD on it!
DC: It's not gonna make me wanna have sex, is it?
Sam: It makes sex even better!
DC: Sounds kind of expensive.
Sam: It's the cheapest drug there is.
DC: [at a loss and out of excuses] Hmm.
Sam: You don't want it!
DC: I think I kinda want it.
Sam: Okay, but just this once. Come on in.


Mmm Cheesy Cookies

The good Lord passed down from heaven a morsel of tasty goodness that is the Italian cookie. Combining two of my favorite food groups - cookies and cheese - with a shitload of sugar? Well how could that possibly go wrong. In my family we make these for Christmas but they're also popular around Easter time.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
For the cookie:
1 cup softened butter
2 cups granulated sugar
3 eggs
15 oz. ricotta cheese
2 tsp. anise
4 cups flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
Combine these ingredients, bake from 10-12 minutes until golden brown and then let them cool.
For the frosting:
1/4 cup softened butter
1/2 tsp. vanilla
3-4 tbsp. milk
3-4 cups confectioners sugar
When the cookies have cooled and you've gotten your frosting to a nice spreadable texture, throw the 2 together and decorate with sugar crystals or sprinkles. This recipe makes a whole lotta cookies that are divinely rich and indulgent.


The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street

There is something to be said about a Tim Burton movie. It could have the worst story line in the history of the world but you know that you'll at least walk away having been on a visually stimulating trip. I've been anticipating Sweeney Todd for a while now and it didn't disappoint. While BFF and I were in London, we went to a pub on Fleet Street which was the setting of this fabulous tale of a fictional murdering barber brought to life by Johnny Depp. His voice, while no Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge, far surpassed any expectations I may have had. I've not seen this musical live nor have I ever heard the soundtrack so I have absolutely nothing to compare this adaptation to at all. Helena Bonham Carter, baker of the meat pies made of Todd's victims, is so fascinating to look at and her voice was just lovely. The songs were so good and fit into the story seamlessly. The blood is a vibrant red that seems to have a life of its own against the bleak gray London landscape. Even Severus Snape makes an appearance as Judge Turpin! And that guy from Enchanted? Well he's there, too! But leave it to Sacha Baron Cohen to steal the show as the Italian barber that is Todd's primary competition. If you love Tim Burton's style, go see this movie. If you hate musicals, well I don't think you should go because the last thing we need to hear is negative criticism. I was enraptured by the entire production. Well played indeed.


3 More Shopping Days Haiku Friday

Drank beer like water
While visiting with Crusty
Not sure I should have
Woke up with dry mouth
And the headache will come soon
Hung over at work
Won't be too awful
Slow day and potluckiness
Sound like a good cure


4 More Shopping Days!

But I don't have to shop EVER AGAIN! Well, that's not true but at least not until 2008. Crusty is in town and I think it is only for her that I would even look in the direction of a mall what with having finished my shopping online weeks ago. That's what friends are for, I guess. I picked up a few odds and ends at Hallmark and then we went to Macy's. No line at the MAC counter? The hell you say! The make-up counter man knew my color just by looking at the porcelainesque surface more commonly known as my skin. Not only that but he recommended the most fabulous mascara and my lashes have never looked fuller! However, perhaps the most monumental event in my shopping experience was finding a bra that is quite possibly the best fit I've ever had. My boobies are so happy right now. No longer confined to the restrictions of a B-cup, they are now resting comfortably in a C-cup. Barely There is the brand, have you ladies heard of it? Forget Victoria's Secret. Get one of these bad girls. While not the most beautiful brassiere, it is so nice and cozy. My mood is damn near stellar and I think Barely There deserves all the credit. There is really nothing better than new intimates. Hooray for happy boobies!


Hump Day Morals of Stories

First and foremost, Jamie Lynn Spears. Pregnant at 16. Was allegedly living with her 19 year old boyfriend. Listen, Mrs. Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, you are fucking up hard core here with this whole parenting thing. I see you with Jayden James and Sean Preston and you look like you're trying super hard to be a good granny but how about you focus on being a mom for a bit. Mmmkay? Your daughters clearly need you.
Moral of that story: Kids aren't meant to be bred into show business so they can be their parents' meal ticket.

I babysat this past weekend. Three days with three boys who were not mine. Ages 7, 10 and 14. Dragging them all over LA County to fun places like the movies and hockey games. Over the course of the weekend, I was forced to use popular phrases like: "When I was your age", "Because I said so," and "Is that where you found (fill in the blank)." I turned into a drill sergeant and was running a tight ship but the whole time I was popping aspirins and antacids like they were candy. Add to that mix an obsessive compulsive, ball chasing Schnoodle and a dumb as a rock Labradoodle that thought pissing in my room was a good way to let me know I should no longer be sleeping and you have a recipe for a good time.
Moral of that story: When you retire from babysitting, stay that way.

Taking Prozac in the morning when all along you've been taking it before bed time can seriously affect one's mood for the remainder of the day. Your boss may mention that he'd like advanced notice on the days you are going to be manic. You may or may not end up bouncing off the walls and threatening to throw hot candle wax in the eyes of your employer. You may at one point after being shot in the eye with a rubber band by said employer, end up chasing him down the hallway to run and hide in the men's lavatory causing his partner to come out of his office to see what the hell is going on. You may also try and retrieve paperwork from a warehouse employee and cause him to fear for his life and also bolt to take cover in a safe haven.
Moral of that story: Don't mess with prescription pills.


The Husband

When I was a pre-teen, the first "grown up" author I ever read was Dean Koontz. My next door neighbor at the time, we'll call her Nissan, was a year older than me and an avid reader as well. Nissan had many of his books to loan me and soon I was hooked. She is wholly responsible for my addiction to his paperbacks that I buy once a year when they are released. I haven't quite hit the book-a-week plan that I'd set for myself but I did kill this one in the course of 2 days. The Husband is a book that starts off suspenseful and doesn't let you rest until literally the last few pages. It's a story of kidnapping, dysfunctional families and betrayal. Naturally, there is a reference to a Golden Retriever because in pretty much every Dean Koontz story that breed makes an appearance. This man loves him some Golden Retrievers. He also loves Southern California and horticulture and never fails to over-describe both of these things in perfect detail. The "love story" isn't overbearing because there is simply no time for romance in this fast-paced book. Koontz has his formula down and when he does it right like he does in The Husband, you can't help but enjoy the ride.


I Am Legend

Oh, hells yes. Eli has only told me a million times that this movie was already made only starring Charlton Heston but back then it was called The Omega Man. I got it. But guess what? I didn't see that one. I did, however, see I Am Legend. I have to tell you, my admiration for the former Fresh Prince of Bel Air is really growing. He had me with Pursuit of Happyness and he only seems to be getting better with age. Will Smith is no smart mouthed Mr. Macho in this, though he is a definitely a hero of sorts. Just check out that bod when he's doing pull-ups in his doorway. Yum. And the fact that he, like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, can hold almost an entire movie on his own? Well that's just impressive. Period. Seeing Manhattan absolutely desolate with deer frolicking amidst deserted cars is absolutely creepy. And? Smith's character lives right by Washington Square Park and BFF works sorta near there and I've been there a bunch of times. Anywho, the flesh eating zombies in this flick are super scary and I was literally on the edge of my seat through the whole movie. It's very tense. I recommend catching this in the theater to get the full effect. I don't have a bad thing to say about this movie. Not a single thing. Why are you still sitting there? Go!


What Would Baby Jesus Say?

While I was at Walgreen's a moment ago, there was an African-American gentleman outside the door, ringing his bell for Christmas donations. Since I mostly ignore people that ask me for money, I continued past him without saying anything. The reason I mention race is because in my experience, only the men of color are so bold as to say what I heard next. To my surprise, he said, "Nice ass" as I walked away. I think now I've heard it all.


10 More Shopping Days Haiku Friday

Yesterday was cold
Twenty seven degrees, man
But not in Oxnard
Santa Maria
And Lompoc with the Bossman
Meeting customers
A twelve hour work day
Just doing what I do best
Spreading Christmas cheer


Hump Day Ponderings

Why's he hiding his crotch?
Why after 5 years of acquaintance do we stand beside one another like we just met?
Why does the flash make it look like I'm wearing dangly earrings?
Why didn't my dad get my saucy, brown fishnet tights and leopard stilettos in this shot?
Why can't I be the subject of a photograph where my eyes aren't red (seriously, scroll 2 posts down)?

Help me out, people.


Another TMI Tuesday

1. Are you and early shopper or a late shopper?
Dudes, I am DONE shopping! Woot Woot!
2. What is your favorite cartoon (current or past)?
I'm going to have to go with Family Guy here.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how competent are you on home repair projects?
I give myself an 8 here. I'm no pro but I'm definitely picking up the slack when it comes to my no skills having dad.
4. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Hands down I would say it has to be making pizzelles with Ma and Gran though I have to miss it this year. Sad.
5. Describe your favorite kiss? Do you give it or receive it?
Any "kiss" coming from Ethan is always a good time. I mostly give because receiving would require me being covered with his slobber. Oh, babies and their open mouth kisses.
Bonus (as in optional):What is the best holiday gift you have ever gotten? Best you've given?
I am always happy with all my gifts. The most useful has been my camera that I got last year but my favorite is probably my diamond earrings. Best I've given? Well... I don't know. My gifts tend to border on safe and practical as opposed to outstanding.

Questions are from here.


Christmas Party Must Have

Champagne Cocktail
Pour a glass of champagne

Drop a brown sugar cube in the bottom

A dash or 2 of bitters (to make it a pretty pink color)

A tiny wee twist of lemon rind


(Caution: Red Eyes May Occur)


Ready For St. Nick Haiku Friday

The stockings are hung
My Christmas cards have been mailed
Decorations up
I'm finished shopping
Never stepped foot in a mall
Thank you, Amazon
Now I can enjoy
Listening to the carols
Looking at the lights

And now for a bonus, the top 10 weirdest searches that will lead you here:
  1. Animal Vagina
  2. Arab Women Smelly Vaginas
  3. "Going in my pants"
  4. Burnt Armpits
  5. Happy Poo Dodger Game
  6. Lesbian Faeces (who spells "feces" like this?)
  7. List of names given to the ways in which you pass faeces in relation to the shit list (I did not make that up.)
  8. Secret Vibrator Hiding Places
  9. Urge to poo during my period
  10. Whale vag

There are also A LOT of boob searches yet nary a boob to be found here but me.


I Give It A "Bee"

I learned a lot while watching Bee Movie:
1. Patrick Warburton has the best voice in show business.
2. I like Renee Zellweger a lot better when I don't have to look at her pinched up little face.
3. Jerry Seinfeld and Oprah Winfrey must be tight like two butt cheeks if he managed to get her high-falootin' ass to do a voice over.
4. The dwindling bee population has dire consequences.
5. And everyone's job, no matter how little, is important.

I really enjoyed watching this movie. I'm sure the fact that it was both born of Dreamworks and is animated has a lot to do with that. Ultimately, though, if I was a chirruns, I think I would be utterly bored by it. But that's just my opinion. I especially like the pushpin/bee stinger sword fight between a loading dock worker and Seinfeld's character and there were a few other laugh out loud moments but I don't think I'm telling anyone to rush out and see this one. I'm just glad I got to go for free! Oh yeah, watch out for the bear in the courtroom. Hilarity.


Once Upon A Time

I finally made it to the movies last night! Flanked by both my folks and my HLP, I took in Enchanted. I have been a lifelong fan of Disney animation and when I saw the trailers for this a few months ago, I squealed and made a declaration that I would see it in the theater. Well better late than never right? This movie not only shows that Disney has a sense of humor about their fantasy fairy tales, but the dang thing is set in my most favoritest of places - New York City. Amy Adams is amazing as a cartoon princess come to life and her positivity and naivete is contagious. Susan Sarandon has found her niche as a wicked stepmother and Pip the chipmunk is definitely a crowd-pleaser. And Patrick Dempsey? You can forget about this Dr. McDreamy nonsense, you will always be nerdy Ronald from Can't Buy Me Love to me. As disgusting as it was to see cockroaches, rats and pigeons tidying up an apartment, the accompanying music is absolutely hilarious, as is the random song and dance sequence in Central Park. There is really nothing I didn't like about this movie. Three cheers for cheesy love stories and living happily ever after.


TMI Tuesday

1. If your partner buys you a sexy little "something" is it a present for you or for your partner?
It has been years and years since a "partner" has purchased me something sexy but I think he had both of us in mind.
2. What are 3 characteristics of "your type"?
a.) Independent
b.) Great smile
c.) A "bear" of a man
3. On a scale of 1-10, how good a cook are you?
Dude, I don't cook. I'm a preparer of many food items but cooking isn't my bag. I guess I'd give myself a 5 here. Average.
4. Tattoos: Love them or hate them. On you? On a partner?
I love them! I have 5. If the art is good what's not to like? I take a pass on dudes that have "Trust No Bitch" tattooed on their neck though.
5. Stubble: Good or bad? How often do you shave?
Stubble can be good but it can also itch like a mo'fo. I shave a couple times a week if the spirit moves me. I suppose if I was gettin' frisky with someone I'd shave more often.
Bonus (as in optional):What are a few of your favorite things (both sexual non-sexual)?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

Nah, just kidding.
Sexual - cuddles and kisses on the neck.
Non-Sexual - puppies, coffee and Ethan.

Per usual, questions come from here.


Trying For A Book A Week

Since I am a fan of Scrubs and its leading man, Zach Braff, I decided to throw this book on my Amazon Wish List when he referenced in an article I more than likely read in Entertainment Weekly. The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green is written by his brother Joshua and is very Jewish. It's reading books like this that makes me appreciate my time working for Camp Ramah, living with a Rabbi's family and picking up the Hebrew I did. There are a lot of very specific words that us silly gentiles simply wouldn't know about otherwise. Anyhow, the story is basically about Jacob and his brother Asher and their relationship with their father who happens to be an extremely devout Jew with a volatile temper. It's telling how these boys both rebel against and protect their father in a typically adolescent coming of age sort of way. Braff's storytelling is very familiar and the situations he describe are mundane yet profound - the little things, after all, is what life is made of. I got quite a few chuckles out of these pages but when Abram, the patriarch of this dysfunctional family, loses his temper, its enough to make my stomach turn in discomfort. Apparently this is a bargain book now so I would say it's well worth the $6 you'll spend to get it. Luckily Crusty gave me mine for free when I got the ol' tonsils out. Nice.


Drive By Tagging

What a suprise to receive a tag from a stranger! Lisa? This is for you. But only because 7 is my lucky number...
1. I attempt to get out of bed in the morning multiple times before I actually emerge from the sheets, at times sitting completely up and throwing off the covers and then immediately lying back down and re-covering myself.
2. I am an obsessive deleter of all things. This means I am constantly purging old emails and clearing my cell phone's Recent Calls and text messages. I seriously don't know what I'm trying to hide.
3. I seem to have mastered "whistle-speak" that you may recognize from such cartoon characters as Herbert from The Family Guy or the beaver from Lady and the Tramp.
4. For some reason I've been whistling the theme song from Sanford and Son lately. If by lately I mean "for the last several months."
5. I love Britney Spears unconditionally even if she is a trainwreck. I am well aware that she lacks the ability to sing. My love has nothing to do with her making fabulous music or how she looks. I don't expect anyone to share these feelings or to understand them.
6. At home I rarely drink water from a glass. I mostly use my Nalgene 32 ouncer or drink from a plastic bottle. And I will NEVER be able to sip water through a straw. Ick.
7. When turning a corner, 9 times out of 10 I will hit the curb with the rim of my tire. I blame poor depth perception, Eli tells me I just don't drive very well.
I'm not much of a tagger these days but feel free to play along! Or you can list the random things I do... Cod? Hair? Hmm?


Fuckin A Haiku Friday

The week is over
This one was a doozie, man
Sofa King busy
Christmas lights are up
All around the neighborhood
Need to play catch up
So long, November
You were good while you lasted
Welcome, December



Sarah Jessica Parker. Paul Reubens. Disney. An 80s movie. What's not to like? If it's been a while since you've seen Flight of the Navigator, it might be time to revisit it. In my opinion, it ranks up there with The Goonies as far as favorite childhood movies. I bought my DVD at Best Buy for a whopping $6.50 and it was money well spent. This is one of those movies that my little brother Cyooorteeees and I used to watch over and over when we were wee chirruns and I was awash in nostalgia when I threw this in. The "special effects" may seem cheesy now but they blew my mind when I was 9 years old, for sure. Anyway I was at a loss for blog fodder and haven't been to the actual theater in some time so this is all I have to offer. Enjoy!


Feliz Cumpleanos, BABE!

BFF's hubby is 30. Welcome to the club, big guy.


Is It Really Monday Part Deux?

My goodness. You would think Bossman had been gone for the last two weeks and that we had a four-day holiday break the way I've been busy! Busy hands are happy hands and being busy "keeps me outta the bars" (thanks, Dad) so I'm not complaining, it just feels odd to not be able to blog first thing in the morning like I used to. Makes me feel a bit upside down frankly.
Today I was able to register for next semester so I'm feeling a metamorphosis coming on. Like emergence from a cocoon, shedding my current class will be oh so nice. I'll be just like a butterfly/student hybrid. Watch out for my giant proboscis. Don't actually know where I'm going with any of this. I guess I was just looking for an excuse to use a big ol' scientific word. Crusty should be proud.
So yeah. School. I'll be taking two classes. My Spanish class (finally! a class pertaining to my major!) will be Monday and Wednesday from 2-4 pm. I'm getting some beef about this but I doubt my work will be affected that much with 4 hours of absence a week. Then it will be back to work for some catch-up and a return to campus from 6-7:15 for a California History and Culture class. Learn a bit about my roots. Or something. I like the idea of this schedule. Leaves lots of time for gym going. Cuz I rejoined. And stuff. Wow... days like this I wonder if it's even worth blogging. What a bore!



Read This Book

I just finished reading Case Histories by Kate Atkinson. I feel like it would be in your best interest to read it as well. I'd heard about this via the last article in an old Entertainment Weekly. HLP loaned me her copy randomly and I devoured it. Stephen King's cover blurb sums it up best:
"Not just the best novel I read this year,
but the best mystery of the decade... I defy any reader not to feel
a combination of delight and amazement."
The story revolves around several cases taken on by a private detective named Jackson. One missing person, one unsolved murder and a mystery disappearance... they all tie together so nicely. And it's quite British so I adored it. Go ahead, grab yourself a copy.


My Oldest Friend

birthdaywknd 093
Happy 30th birthday, Crusty.
28 years of friendship that has turned into sisterhood.
Don't know who I'd be without you.

Tryptophan Hangover Haiku Friday

I'm at work today
Supervising floor cleaning
Do not envy me
Ate too much good food
Pants are tight, tipping the scale
I rejoined the gym
Back on the saddle
Damn you, Halloween candy
You gave me fat rolls


Ethan's First Steps

Just Like BFF

I am thankful:
  • My health has been much better since the tonsils were removed
  • My ability to make the Jetson's car/Wookie sounds has returned
  • My family is close even if sometimes it leads to drama
  • My nephew has taken his first steps
  • My car has only 12 more payments
  • My friends all manage to keep in touch even though they live far away
  • My schooling seems like it's almost over
  • My parents bought me a La-Z-Boy for Christmas
  • My job hands out fat bonuses
  • My finances seem to be in order
  • My lengthy holiday weekend starts in 9 hours

I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving and that you can make a list twice as long as mine.
Happy Turkey Day a day early.



Do you know of this place? After our visit to the Wild Animal Park and a hearty dinner at Claim Jumpers, Buzz and I decided to call it an evening, grab a six pack and watch a DVD rather than go out to the theater as there isn't really anything playing that we're super excited about right now. Before I go any further, how about that last sentence? That was over fifty words long. Wow. Anywho, I foolishly suggested that we stop at Ralph's since it was in spitting distance. Buzz pretty much scoffed at that idea and told me we were heading to the Bevmo. As we were driving there I wondered to myself, "What exactly is a Bevmo?" when its red sign shone like a beacon through the night. Directly in front of me was essentially a warehouse of alcohol: every type of beer, wine or hard liquor you could possibly think of. Anything and everything affiliated with drinking could be found in this amazing place including but not limited to the Margarator and a rolling weenie cooker like you'd find at your local 24-hour convenience store. All the while we were shopping I was planning a return to San Diego with a semi-truck to load up on all the liquid goodies my little heart desired. Little did I know, a Bevmo exists in Thousand Oaks, a mere 20 minute drive away. I felt like Christopher Columbus discovering the new world and quickly proceeded to interrogate everyone I knew whether they knew of this amazing place. What shocked me more than anything was that my family as well as several of my closest friends and coworkers already knew of Bevmo's existence. How could they withhold such valuable information when they know I am a booze hound? Did no one care about me and my needs? Then, to add insult to injury, while I was watching Court TV last night per usual, an advertisement ran for Bevmo. I believe there is a conspiracy against me.


The Whale's Vagina Wild Animal Park

Don't you love my hat?
Teeth like Ethan and an underbite.
It's rude to bite your toenails in front of guests.
Heck, yes we did!
Christmas gift idea? Parting gift?


Mad Vag Haiku Friday

Missing my parents
Absence made my heart grow fond
And Gran's bitchiness
Going to see Buzz
Down in the whale's vagina
Just to get away
This year is flying
Turkey day and then Christmas
Then two thousand eight


Pennies From Heaven

Just when I couldn't be in a seemingly worse financial situation, someone upstairs decided to shower me with money. I was down to about $16 in my checking and $5 in my savings with bills piling high and days past due. Not only that but I've been using my credit cards like they're going out of style even though I know how much trouble that can cause me in the long run. But yesterday was bonus day and it would appear that all my hard work did indeed pay off. I was able to pay the entire balance of a credit card, those past due bills are no longer on my desk and my savings account has been replenished. On top of that, my checking account no longer looks like it belongs to a preschooler.
It's funny, the other day my bong, which I use to smoke tobacco products of course, rolled off the counter top and the bowl broke. Wouldn't you know it? The next day I won that football pool and was able to get it fixed without it hurting my already depleted funds. Then I started to stress about Christmas and going to Disneyland with Crusty and how I could afford all of it when I get an email from the family I used to nanny for. They want me to house/dog/babysit for a weekend. I told them that if they covered the cost of my gas that would be awesome and she countered with paying me $250 instead. I don't know who is watching out for my finances because it certainly isn't me but I just want to say THANK YOU!!!


Happy 60th, Moo Lady!

My Beautimous Mother
Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she beautiful?

That's my mom and today she is enjoying her birthday on a cruise ship in Bermuda. Must be nice. Since she left a week ago I have a new found appreciation for her and all the things she does when she's here. It wasn't long ago that I realized she and I weren't just relatives but we were friends, too. Know how I knew? She bought me a pillow that says, "A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be a friend." Cheesy but true. She's a great mom, grandma, daughter, sister and friend. Three cheers for the elderly!


Big Winner

Thanks to my good buddy Maine over at Bacon After Dark I made $33 profit this morning. That's right, 'tis the season of football pools circulating around our office. Since I know nothing about football, this is basically gambling by way of bookie via Gmail chat. He is my "go to" guy for the picks. My grandpa on my mom's side used to play and Lord knows football always seems to be on when he visits or if I'm at a bar so there really is no justification for my lack of knowledge or my ignorance of the game. Personally, I find it to be dreadfully slow but when I voice that opinion it's generally met with "Oh my God! What about baseball?!" And while it may be true that baseball is a lengthy game that is not even remotely fast paced and has little to no action, it doesn't seem to constantly be halted and restarted for whatever reason. What's with all the falling down? What is the appeal? I can't even tell who is who when I watch the monitor. All I know is that my brother bears a strong resemblance to Peyton Manning that fills me with glee each time I see his face.

Frannie's boobs and the boys

Do you see it too? Or are you too distracted by the chichis?


Vanish Like Vapor

That's the definition of evanescence in case you were wondering. Why would I bring that up you ask? Well, HLP is one lucky lady and managed to win free tickets to see the band that sports that name at the Santa Barbara Bowl last night. The funny thing is, the SB Bowl is an outdoor venue and it managed to rain all day yesterday. So not only were the metal seats nice and wet, they were cold enough to freeze our buns. You should have seen the two of us huddled in our parkas, hoodies, beanies and scarves fighting the fifty degree chill. It was something to behold. Two bands opened for them: Sick Puppies and Julien K. Mind you, I'd heard of neither of them but they were pretty good.
HLP is the hard rocker in this relationship, I tend to lean more towards cheesy pop. Sue me. Evanescence is a nice blend of the two. The lead singer (I think her name is Amy?) has a very classical voice. It almost sounds like she should be singing in a Broadway musical like The Phantom of the Opera... It's quite a juxtaposition to the hard rocking guitars and drums. Plus? She plays the piano and that is possibly my favorite musical instrument so I was pleased.
Perhaps the best part of the concert, however, was the people sitting in front of us. They were no stranger to the flask and man did they like to sing along. I'm a nosy son of a gun so you know I was eavesdropping and the boy in the striped hoodie in front of me was turning 18 the next day so his compadres decided to get him good and wasted. He kept swaying to and fro in the fashion one does when they are about to boot. It was pretty hilarious. I wonder if he ever chummed or if he was able to tough it out. For HLP's sake, I threw a grito to the band before we left. All in all, a super way to spend a Sunday.


No Rhyme Or Reason Haiku Friday

So, Pabst Blue Ribbon
I drank my first can last night
Poured it in a glass
Check the batteries
In all your flashlights today
Says my calendar
Hub & Bub to wed
And today is the big day
birthdaywknd 098


Brooks & Boobs

Garth Brooks "retired" some time ago. For a while he had a promotion with Wal*Mart but since I don't generally set foot in that hell hole of a store, I was unable to support him in his golden years. Now, he has teamed up with Susan G. Komen to release an Ultimate Hits fundraising compilation. With every CD sold, $10 goes to breast cancer research. This collection consists of 2 discs totalling 33 songs, 3 of them new, and a DVD with 33 videos for only $15 plus S&H. Now that's quite a steal! For all of you honky tonkers that stop by, I highly recommend making a donation. I did and I am just pleased as punch with the purchase! Not only are you helping to preserve precious boobs, but you get to celebrate the master of country music. What I wouldn't give to see this guy perform live. Too bad his shows sell out in milliseconds. Sigh.


Familiarity Breeds Contempt

You may lack ambition, but not the ability to succeed
Since I already dumped this on Miss Kitty and Buzz I figured I would throw it up on the blog for lack of better material. It seems I am suffering from a bit of writer's block. Or maybe it's just apathy. All I know is that something is off. Mind you, it's not depression or sadness... it's just a feeling that all is not right in Randi's world. And the fact that I just referred to myself in the third person probably says much. Hell, the fact that I think I have a world of my own is one step away from crazy in and of itself. I've done a bit of pondering why I am in such a funk but can't really grab onto anything tangible.
Ever since I moved out of my parents' house when I was 19 I have pretty much bounced between living arrangements every year or so, maybe two years max. I've been living in my current abode for about a year and a half and am getting that itch to move again, not because I dislike my apartment per se, but because I have been in one place too long.
The same applies to work. Since my first job at the age of 17, I've pretty much worked a max of a year and found something new. That was mostly retail until I found the job at Camp and worked there for four years. I guess now that I'm grown I'm not exactly going to be looking for a new job every year and I think that's what is giving a stagnant feel to my life.
School is progressing nicely and I still have my eye on the prize but I still have 10 classes until I can finally call that bachelor's degree my own. This semester has been a bit of a bust as I had to drop one class and will have missed about 6 days of the other. I just don't have the same kind of motivation as before. It's like I need a new goal or a new focus and I just can't think of anything to devote my attention to.
BFF and I have basically discussed, and will continue to discuss, diet and exercise to death and I just don't want losing weight to be something I obsess about any more. As a matter of fact, after work I have plans to buy pants in size 12 just because I'm tired of worrying about what number is on a tag inside my clothing that no one but me needs to see.
Maybe it's Oxnard and knowing that my secret getaway to San Francisco is no longer an option as my tio has moved to Germany. Maybe I'm overdue for a vacation and knowing that I'm negative hours for at least 6 months is secretly gnawing away at my soul. Maybe I miss BFF and Crusty. Too many maybes.
So that's where I am and why I've been scarce on the blog posting. I am evaluating my life and determining what needs to happen from this point on. Is it my biological clock ticking? Is it the desire to have a yard and a puppy? Is it that I want a family of my own? Is it the Prozac? I guess only time will tell.


Election Day

This week is pretty short on blog fodder, sadly. The best I could come up with yesterday was an exclamatory proclamation, hardly ideal reading material for my faithful follower... s? Today is going to be a bit of the same. TMI Tuesday questions didn't inspire me and I have absolutely nothing going on at the current time. I'm enjoying the silence and solitude that comes with having my parents out of town for two weeks. School is school. Work is work. Blech.





BFF is 30 Haiku Friday

Happy Birthday, Cod
Welcome to the big three-oh
You're joining the club
Big party tonight
And Dia de los Muertos
Sugar skulls galore
Wish I could be there
You, Babe and the Big Apple
La Vida Loca


My Nephew The Neutron

The Inspiration
T-Shirt custom-made by Frannie "Mum"
Side View
Bringing in the rear


Working On Halloween

See? I work! Or am I blogging?
My "bullied into costume" co-workers & I
Ma stopped by to Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween!

What do you get when you divide the
circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours
How do ghosts begin their letters?
"Tomb it may concern"
What happened to the guy who couldn't
keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.
What do you call a person who puts rat poison
in a person's Corn Flakes?
A cereal killer
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end
How do you know if a ghost is lying?
You can see right through him.
How is a werewolf like a computer?
They both have megabytes.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Where do ghosts go on vacation?
Lake Erie
How can you tell when a window is scared?
They get shudders.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always a goblin.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin
What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A sand-witch
Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend


Buy This Today

***UPDATE*** I totally just left work to buy this CD at Best Buy for $9.99 and I'm listening to it right now and it is super good. Mind you, I totally love Britney, even in all of her maniacal glory, but I'm serious about recommending Blackout. This is a solid, cohesive dance album. Is it Britney that's the talent or the production? I'd go with the latter but regardless of who deserves the credit, the CD is totally worth a purchase. The whole CD. No one talks shit about Madonna when she makes albums just like this with the electronic vocals and strong dance tracks (Music? Confessions on a Dance Floor? Ray of Light?) so I don't think Brit deserves any flack if she's getting it. This was totally worth the wait.

Size Twelve Tuesday

Over the weekend my favorite pair of jeans tore. True, they were old, but I blame the girth of my thigh for this damage. They tore right beneath my right cheek which would be very fashionable were this the 90s but methinks that style went the way of the Dodo. Unless of course you are Bret Michaels or one of his Rock of Love girls. I'm not really going to turn this into a self-loathing post about how fat I am and how much I despise my reflection because that's not the case. Frankly I'm not a ten, not yet a twelve (sing it like Britney Spears "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman" and it's funnier). I eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. I enjoy the finer things in life like Halloween candy and Fat Tire beer. I live for chicken wings dripping in blue cheese dressing. Hot dogs? Yes, please! Cheese in any form? Of course! Exercise is not even happening and I'd be fooling you if I told you I was exerting any effort to make that happen. So today, rather than squeezing into my jeans like I do nearly every day for work, I have decided to give in and rock the size twelve slacks I bought for London in January, dieted out of and have now returned to. My stomach, she is free. And frankly I look fine. I could just do better. And since the good doctor told me last Friday that I have high cholesterol, I probably should do better. Until then? It's all about single serving Reese's Peanut Butter Cups by the handful.

This post was brought to you by the number 12 and the letter F.


Scary Movie Monday

I don't know what it is but Eli has a knack for picking some of the most disturbing movies I have ever seen. This one ranks right up there with Blue Velvet for me. Ick. It's Wes Craven circa 1972 so you know it's going to be gritty. When I think "horror" though, I try to think of supernatural things like hauntings or a masked serial killer going to town on a group of summer camp counselors. Things that are almost make believe. Unfortunately, The Last House On The Left was super realistic, mildly terrifying and made my stomach turn. Brief summary: Two bra-less teenage girls are going to the big city for a concert and are trying to score some "decent grass." They end up getting abducted by some escaped convicts, tortured, raped and murdered in the woods. Very realistic until the end which I won't give away here. Things just sort of go crazy. Chainsaws are involved... Weird.
My second viewing was BFF recommended and Eli approved. The Watcher In The Woods is more of a family fare horror flick so you won't find any rape and torture here. It's Disney circa 1980 so it was a nice follow up to the sickness we'd just seen. While Bette Davis is always creepy (Hello, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane), I was more creeped out by the little girl who called her dog Nerak. For those of you not in the know, that's Karen (the missing girl) spelled backwards. Yeah. This is almost sci-fi by the time the ending clears things up. The best part about it? I had to rent this bad boy on VHS. Dude. I don't even have a VCR. I can see how this movie would scare a twelve year old and make someone super scared of reflections but after witnessing the fucked up shit I just did, it was a cakewalk.
Session 9 I had never heard of prior to a web-based list of the 50 scariest movies of all time. I can sort of see why as it doesn't really have any major stars in it but this was a great psychological thriller. A sort of "whodunnit" that keeps you wondering which of these haz-mat workers cleaning up an old, abandoned mental institution has lost his damn mind. I can sort of relate to the creepy feel of the set because I attend college in a former state hospital and just being on campus in the dark is enough to spook me. As in the prior two movies, it too is set in the woods so you get that that feeling of terror that only comes with isolation.
And for our grand finale after a marathon weekend of scary movie viewing, we chose C. Thomas Howell's The Hitcher. This is another suspenseful and somewhat realistic scenario and it also teaches us very valuable lessons:
  • Don't pick up hitchhikers
  • Don't go on long distance drives alone
  • Don't talk to strangers

Holy moly. Who knew that there were such psychos in the world. This hitchhiker was hell-bent on killing Soul Man. They just don't make horror movies like they did in the 70s and 80s. I would pick any of these psychological thrillers over gore-porn any day. There's nothing like the feeling of squirming in your seats. I would recommend any of the above for a good scare... Halloween is only 2 days away...


A Haiku For HLP Friday

We have a debate going
On-ree or Hen-ree
I say it's On-ree
My mom agrees with me, too
But "Fuck your mom, dude"
Such a sweet talker
You kiss your mom with that mouth?
See you at Five Points


That Time

I hate being that chick. The one who has a "bad period." Especially when I've been menstruating for over half my life already. Once a month for the past 18 years. That's 216 cycles I've been through. You would think by now that monthly visit from Aunt Flo would be uneventful. But noooo. Yesterday I got such bad cramps that I actually had to leave work to go home and vomit. Really? I'm 30 years old... this should not be happening. It has always been this way, ever since I "started" at the age of 12 on a field trip to a local water park, Raging Waters - an ideal place for a suddenly pubescent girl to discover that she is bleeding to death. When I was in high school I used to get permission to stay home on the first day of my period because I was inevitably overcome by cramps, cold sweats and ended up lying on the cool bathroom floor, hugging the toilet, waiting until I could hold back the heaves no longer. Then my doctor, the hero, wrote me a prescription for Naproxen, an anti-inflammatory used in Aleve that I credit to this day for saving my ass. Or should I say my uterus? Either way, no more vomiting as a result of cramps. Or so I thought. Thank you, modern science. The birth control pill also deserves a hearty round of applause but that's another story for another day. There really is no point to this post other than to discuss bodily functions but to wrap it up here I guess I'll just ask all the ladies out there how they relieve the symptoms of "the curse." Feel free to discuss.


A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time there was a girl named Randi. She was a sickly young thing, a delicate flower, and as a result had to take many prescription medications. She had allergies, hypothyroid, mental issues and a desire not to get pregnant. So every night before she went to bed she lined up four prescription pills on her nightstand and washed each one down with a hearty sip of water. Sometimes, however, our heroine liked to do a little puffin' or drinkin' before tucking herself in for a good night's sleep. On one of these nights, it would appear that she lost all control of her muscles and spastically threw the pills to the ground, immediately forgetting about ingesting them. Yesterday, while our princess was on her hands and knees looking for her royal jewels, she found all the pills she had long ago swept away nestled safely beneath her nightstand. "Whoopsie!" she exclaimed when she stumbled upon that little blue birth control pill. After a day of fretting, however, she realized active birth control pills are WHITE, not blue. The blue was simply a placebo, never needed in the first place. She sighed a sigh of relief and she lived happily and unpregnantly ever after. The moral of this story? Getting wasted should take a backseat to remembering your daily dosage of prescription medication.


Bling? The Hell You Say!

Why do I look so happy?
Paid off my layaway!


SoCal's Burning

Today's Sunset
Sunday at 2 PM
Ashy Porch


Tres Generaciones Y Yo

My Father, the Grandpa
My Brother, the Dad
My Nephew, the Grandest Son