Haiku Friday

Before and after
Seems to be my jam lately
Taking it old school
Hair clog in the drain
And bathroom hair everywhere
Sort of makes me gag
No more sweaty hair
At the gym, that'll be rad
Such a happy gal



I finished reading Room by Emma Donoghue last weekend. It had been a while since I'd used the Kindle, something like seven months, so I bought a book that was on my list and Room happened to be it. Interestingly enough, on Tuesday morning there was a report that in Perris, CA (Riverside County) two parents were arrested for keeping their thirteen children, ages ranging from 2 to 29-years of age, as prisoners in their own home. Room is the story of a kidnapped woman who has been a prisoner in a shed in her captor Old Nick's yard for many years. While in captivity, "Ma" gives birth to a boy named Jack and this story starts on the day he turns 5-years old and is told from his perspective.
There's not a lot I can say about the plot without ruining the story for you so I will say that I downloaded it on the 10th and finished it by the 13th. That's how fast I can read a book that captures my interest. Room was very unique in its story and its theme, both emotional and suspenseful. I actually cried at one point and shouted aloud in another. Obviously, reading about a kidnapping victim and her young son can be a bit intense, but the story being told from a child's perspective takes some of the edge off. I don't know if I recommend it but it was a good read for me. Alternating between books on the shelf and using the Kindle is likely something I will do a bit more of since I feel obligated toward one and rewarded by the other.


Weigh In Wednesday

Weight: 196.2
No gain or loss which I am perfectly happy with considering it is the tail end of my period and yesterday I definitely binged on some cookies, M&Ms and goldfish crackers between my healthy work food that I prepped and dinner. On the bright side? I was very tempted to have a glass of wine with dinner but I did not. One day at a time I guess. Small victories.

Lifetime Steps: 5,366,601
76,143 since last week, 7-day average 10,896. May not be doing these counts too much longer if my fitbit dies like I think it's going to. I started using this thing in September of 2016 and have already had to replace it once so I feel like it has lived a good life and served its purpose. I will not be replacing this one if it kicks the bucket because I know I have to walk for at least one hour and I will hit the recommended minimum movement of 10K steps a day. Not sure why I keep tracking other than for sport.
Wed - 13,301
Thu - 12,689
Fri - 11,569
Sat - 10,408
Sun - 9,468
Mon - 6,374
Tue - 12,461

Frame of Mind
Pretty much summed things up yesterday. I made a conscious decision to dust myself off and get back on the horse and I did (save for all that mid-day snacking I referred to up there). I ate mostly well and went to the gym. I didn't drink that wine and I didn't snack after dinner. I didn't smoke pot and I read my book and did word searches in badly needed silence. I reflected on how hard I am on myself and reminded myself that I need to ease up. I completely overhauled my life when I started taking that #fitby40 thing seriously in November of 2016. It has been over a year and I have consistently maintained a much healthier, more active lifestyle and while  I have had some hiccups, my weight has decreased pretty steadily since then. 
I take these challenges way too seriously and am competitive to a fault. When I "fail" or don't live up to my super high expectations, I take it pretty hard. I feel like with dry-uary, I bit off way more than I could chew so I tried to revise it to dryish-uary and then I basically fell of the wagon. It stinks to say you're going to do something and you don't. While if I asked her she'd say it's definitely not true, I do feel like I disappointed BFF because I didn't stick to it. That's not healthy or right or nice to do to myself. All I can do is what works for me. I feel that way sometimes about this sort of arbitrary goal of hitting 190. The only reason I chose that number is because it was what my drivers license says. And I keep kicking myself because I'm so dang close and it seems like I'll never lose the rest of the weight. DEEP BREATHS, RANDI.
To leave on a positive note, I took these pictures with the kids and I like that I don't have to worry about tilting my head a certain way to avoid double chins in pictures any more. And that I can lean over and take a picture without sucking in my gut because it doesn't just hang down any more. I also clearly love this shirt. That's all.


Depression Hurts

A few years ago there was as a commercial for the medication Cymbalta that said depression hurts everyone. I used to mock that, honestly, because it seemed overly dramatic but now I sort of live it and it's true and sort of gross. There's even a website for Depression Hurts so clearly it's a big deal. At the end of last week I started my period with a vengeance and it sunk me into a pretty deep depression that finally lifted last night. The thing with the medicine I have is that it can sort of lift the depression but it can also turn me into a bit of a zombie and it makes me dizzy and tired and that is not really a trade I like to make very often.
Depression doesn't really make me curl into a ball but it makes me hypersensitive. I feel overworked and underappreciated. My patience is nonexistent. I have a hairpin trigger and just about anything can set me off into a blind rage. I'm sure it doesn't help that Christa had to go to the doctor and Husband has a new schedule and our task list was long and the weather was warm and windy. It was a lot of factors that contributed to the mess I was. And unfortunately, the family had to suffer the wrath of me and that feels pretty awful when it is happening and even more awful the next day when I can't stop thinking about it.
I didn't go to the gym on Friday because I had to deal with Christa's thumb and I worked half day yesterday so I didn't go to the gym or even on a walk so I know that contributes to this crappiness. I completely had no strength to even try to do the dry-ish-uary this weekend and polished off pretty much a whole bottle of wine on Friday and then drank Saturday, Sunday and had a beer last night. Because drinking feels like it makes you feel better but really it's probably sort of making everything worse, this was maybe not my smoothest move. But YOLO.
Last night after the kids went to bed I snuggled with Husband for a super long time. My wee Betty who honestly sometimes I consider my therapy dog, put her head and paws on me and never moved a muscle to ensure I didn't disrupt the cuddle puddle we had going on. I thought real hard about these restrictions and goals I have and if it's worth the pressure I put on myself. I brought my salads and my gym bag so I'll dust myself off and get back on my horse. I apologized to the kids and Husband and I had a long talk about all this stuff and I know it will get better... until the next time it gets bad. Depression sucks.


Weekend Pics

 This is a picture of a girl at a pediatrician's office who is soon to be diagnosed as having a staph infection in her thumb and scarlatina (which is scarlet fever caused by the same Strep Husband has). She's on ten days of antibiotic treatment now and well on her way to recovery.
 Sick Christa means I got to pick up Casey from school and take them both for ice cream.
 The dress-up game is strong in this one.
 Had ourselves a visitor...
 Who clearly doesn't like dogs nor do they like him.
Didn't take too many pictures this weekend but here's Husband with his kids doing science experiments. Just lots of errands and housekeeping and chilling. 


Haiku Friday

Fridays are a mess
Christa's got a booboo thumb
Husband has strep throat
Lots of doctor time
I am simply not a fan
Hold it together!
Grateful for our health
Usually we do okay
Just minor hiccups


The Astronaut Wives Club

A long, long time ago, Andrea gave me The Astronaut Wives Club to read. It sat on my bookshelf for a long, long time. I think I must have started it in October of last year which was the last time I finished a book (shameful) so it's been a long, long time in a lot of senses. Apparently this book was made into a television program as well. I had no idea. I wanted to read this because Husband is sort of obsessed with The Right Stuff, a movie about astronauts, and I don't really know that much about NASA other than when I was in elementary school, we watched the Challenger explode on television while teacher Christa McAuliffe was a passenger. That's a huge memory and probably my first of a national tragedy.
This is the story, obviously, of the wives of the first astronauts. There was a big chunk of time between the Kennedy and Nixon presidencies where the race to get to the moon before the Russians was everything. Apparently, getting to the moon was somehow seen as a symbol for world peace. I can imagine it must have been a very exciting time, a much simpler world that didn't require as much to be awed like we seem to be experiencing in our current culture of instant gratification and ever-improving technological advances. The wives were expected to be role models for the women of the world by living in perfect houses and being perfect spouses to their hero husbands and perfect mothers to their children. Talk about pressure. Not only were they constantly watching their husbands risk their often separate lives, they also had to compete for their husbands' attentions with space. I don't even like when my husband is working the late shift so I can only imagine how intense their lives were.
The wives formed a club to commiserate but it doesn't seem as though they were ever really themselves in it. No one wanted to be truly vulnerable in front of another wife lest they risk their husbands' chances of being chosen to go to space next by appearing weak or unstable. They often turned to booze and pills and cigarettes but it seemed they truly came together in moments of tragedy. Marriages failed as their husbands chased skirts while they were away. The women's liberation movement was underway and as several astronauts perished in the line of duty, their wives were left with no real purpose having only lived to serve their spouse. I didn't love the author's writing style; I found her stories to be a bit choppy (probably as a result of compiling interviews and historical clippings). I also expected a little more salacious gossip than I got. That being said, this book has compelled me to learn a little bit more about history and has made me very grateful that I'm not forced to clutch my pearls and live only as a Mrs. and a mother.