One of Husband's friends took this picture on our wedding day from the crowd. I never got the original so I saved the thumbnail from one of those photo-sharing websites. It's probably one of my favorite pictures of all time because after he & I high-fived, all of our guests high-fived and fuck if that isn't the coolest thing I could have ever asked to have happened to kick off my marriage. Happy National High Five Day, everyone. Keep the high five alive.
Despite my Eeyore of a post yesterday, things got better. By late afternoon, despite my naughty children refusing to nap and a brief spat with the spouse, the kids and I were smiling. Legos were being played with. The Princess & The Frog was being watched. I guess my disgruntled attitude was not subtle, so Husband managed to get off early to come home and help with bath and bed times. As much as I hate admitting it, I need him around. I need a snuggle on the couch while catching up on the DVR. I need a hug and a kiss before bedtime. As a woman who didn't get married until her 30s, I have always taken a lot of pride in being able to "do it all" and in being independent so it pains me to put that pride aside and ask for help. Sometimes I forget that as much as it's my job to take care of my husband and kids, it's also a husband's job to take care of his wife and a father's job to take care of his children. Team Friday has two captains. Sometimes our spats lead to actual communication. Sometimes our frustrations turn into a cuddle puddle or a giggle fit. Sometimes mommy needs to literally take a chill pill and remember she's not perfect and to stop putting so much goddamn pressure on herself.
MORAL OF THAT STORY: Our family may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?
Screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of JulyYou don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
Those are some of the lyrics to Katy Perry's "Firework." I feel like when I write these posts I should start it off like I'm in an AA meeting and say "I'm Randi and I'm a depressed person." Like, that's who I am, a part of me. Like a "recovering" alcoholic is always an alcoholic. Anyway, those lyrics kind of sum up how I feel right now. Sort of overwhelmed. Basically "over" having a Husband who is at work when the rest of the family is home. "Over" Casey's cough/cold that has been a constant since he started preschool over a year ago. "Over" not having had a full night's sleep in like 5 years. "Over" working at a job where there is no way to move up. Just "over it."
This morning, Casey was supposed to have a pretty big dental procedure but when we arrived they decided not to go through with it, despite having this appointment for about three months now, because he has a cough. We'd all rearranged our work schedules and daycare schedules and now Casey's teeth need to remain badly damaged until we can miraculously plan a date in the future when he may not have the cough that never seems to go away. I got mad. Mad at my inability to control things. To have things "just work out" for a change. I dropped the boy and his dad off, popped a Xanax, and drove to a parking lot where I could have a good cry alone.
This motherhood business? It's not easy. Working full-time and being a single parent in the evenings? Not fun. Living part-time with my husband for five years only to have him home and work nights? Far from ideal. I haven't gone on a real vacation since my honeymoon, using most of my time off to tend to sick kids or go to Michigan for familial obligations.
I know there is a good person in me - a firework, if you will. A light-hearted, funny and fun to be around person. A woman that makes her friends and family and husband and kids smile and feel good about themselves. One who isn't constantly disappointed and frustrated and "always mad." One who doesn't cry in a parking lot because she feels like a loser. One who doesn't have to write blog posts like this in hopes of relieving some of the pressure and bad feelings, mostly self-inflicted. I'm just scared to think that person only exists with the help of a little white pill.